Cue
the theme music, dahlings! It’s time once again for your
favorite feature…Queer Eye for the Superhero Guy, the only
feature that dares to critique the fashion sense of those heroic titans
that walk among us. As always, I am Rondaldo, your humble (and ever so
fashionable and delectable) correspondent. Join me as I apply my
eagle’s eye of fashion (and sardonic humor) to the heroic
legions of muscle. Let’s get started!

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To begin with, we have the
Missing Link. I can tell you right away
what’s missing, his pants! The whole primal-beast-of-nature
look is soooo two years ago, dahlings. I would suggest a more subtle
look, so that when he reveals himself, his foes can shriek out in
surprise, “Oh no, it’s the Missing Link!”
To start off, I would suggest a nice long trench coat, preferably in a
charcoal gray (the better to match his eyes). As for pants, a pair of
trousers slightly flared towards the bottom would really hit the spot.
The Link could go shirtless since his coat would normally cover him,
but if he wanted to wear a shirt, a simple tee would suffice. The look
would say, “I’m dressed, but I’m still
savage.” Finally, I would suggest a wide-brimmed fedora to
help hide his facial features, until he’s ready to pounce.
With a little grooming (ha!), dahlings, the Missing Link could reach
the top of the style mountain.

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Next up, we have Disco Jones,
dahlings, who enjoys making villains
undergo the retina searing trauma of staring at his purple majesty. To
be clear, Ronaldo hates disco fashion and I’ve burned all my
old photos showing me in my disco glory back in the day! However,
Ronaldo confesses that he actually likes this outfit, but it could use
a few tweaks. The first is that the color purple really needs to be
broken up a bit. I would suggest that the pants and shirt stay the
same, but the vest and shoes could be changed. I would make the vest a
white or light cream color. As for the shoes, I would either go with
black or coordinate with the vest. The mask can stay the same color
(Disco Jones must be very secure in his manhood to wear a lavender
mask). You go, Disco Jones! Cha..cha..cha!

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Now, we’re talking,
dahlings! Lone Wolf’s ensemble
is a visual treat (as well as his gleaming pectoral muscles). This is
one sharp looking outfit and Lone Wolf shows a highly developed style
sense. The black of his coat and pants really highlight the ivory color
of his skin and fur. The gold belt and cuffs accentuate the black,
whilst also breaking it up. A very simple, but effective look. This
just goes to show, dahlings, that fashion doesn’t have to be
complicated. You have to figure out what looks good for you, as that
every person is unique. Let me gaze upon this outfit for a few moments
longer…..growl!

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Gah! Forgive me dahlings, but I
almost fainted upon seeing this
monstrosity. Behold the awfulness of Kid Zombie if you dare.
I think that this outfit is what brought Kid Zombie back to life. He was
probably rolling around in his grave with this hideous outfit on him,
forcing him to leave the cold embrace of the earth and seek vengeance
upon the living! (Or just seek vengeance on the bastard who dressed him
like that!) There are only two things worth salvaging on this outfit,
the boots and the hat. Besides those two items, everything else must
go. A plaid shirt with a fur fringe? A red gun belt that has the same
color as the bloody tears of fashion czars like myself? This is the
outfit they were talking about when kids teased you by going,
“Did your momma dress you today?” It clashes on so
many levels, it’s staggering. Plus, what is a zombie
gunfighter doing with modern shoulder pads? Hello? It doesn’t
fit the concept! To be fair, it’s hard to come up with a good
look for Kid Zombie. That glaring yellow complexion of his is hard to
accentuate. I would suggest clothing in more earth tones to try to mute
the neon yellow skin tone, with perhaps a dash of gold on the buckle of
the gun belt to provide some contrast. While we may never make Kid
Zombie a fashion icon, at least we could elevate him from fashion
disaster.

Well, that’s all the time we have for today, dahlings. I hope
that my critiques have helped you in your own quest for style.
Remember, I am not here to be cruel, but to steer lost souls to a more
fashionable place. I’m only here to help, dahlings. If you
wish to appear on a future installment of Queer Eye for the Superhero
Guy, you can send me a picture of yourself to [email protected].
I can’t guarantee that you’ll get on, as that your poor Ronaldo
is always so busy, but I’ll do my best. Until next time, ciao!