Oh, god... The end is near...

I looked out the window of my 3rd-rate shitty motel this morning, and sure enough across the street at the McDonald's was the painful reminder that the end of the world is upon us. Ever since I heard the news, I've been trying to block it from my memory, but as we get closer and closer the signs are showing. Boomjack is returning. He is rebooting "Loading..." into "ReLoading...".

This terrible mind-melting garbage will be available for your punishment very soon. As I understand it, Boomjack is living in a self-made fort at a dump near Toronto, using RhymeZone's thesaurus to rewrite the same terrible hobo jokes all over again. While this inevitably uncreative dog-scrap is the result of his recent brain damage, one can argue he never had creativity to begin with.

What happened to Boomjack?

Rosie O'Donnell

When last we heard of the amazing Boomjack, he was fighting a cataclysmic battle to the death in the deep Antarctic against his nemesis, Rosie O'Donnell. The battle was so powerful, it shook the very foundations of the planet, and resulted in awakening Deathwing from his subterranean slumber. (Deathwing of course, quickly took over the world and used his destructive powers to destroy WoW's subscriber base.)

Rosie O'Donnell, being the superior warrior, eventually overpowered Boomjack. However, Boomjack's ice cold Canadian heart saved him, as Rosie was unable to penetrate the rock hard organ in order to snuff the life out of him. Rosie was forced to strip Boomjack of his powers and seal him in eternal ice beneath the Antarctic sheet. For the next 10,000 years the world returned to normal.

The Return of Boomjack

Archibald WitWicky

The world would have remained a peaceful utopia forever, if not for the misguided escapades of an Antarctic Explorer. The explorer recovered the frozen body of Boomjack, and returned him the modern world. As his body thawed and he began to reanimate, it became clear that 10,000 years frozen in ice had caused irreparable brain damage. Stripped of his powers, and his intellect (lol) he began to wandered the streets of Toronto, living like one of the homeless he had hated so much.

Resurrection of Power

Boomjack, 2011

Verminous Skumm

Boomjack eventually found a home in a local Toronto dump. He began feeding off of the rats living in the rubbish. However, these rats were not normal rats. These rats were mutated and radio-active from years of American pollution dumping millions of gallons of Acid Rain on Canada (who cares?). As he consumed the rodents, their mutagenic DNA fused with his own and Boomjack became the despicable rat-man pictured to the right. Unfortunately, consuming the glowing green rats was unable to repair his brain damage.

Re-energized, Boomjack huddles in a dark corner of his trash-heap preparing to destroy the world with the second coming of Loading..., ReLoading. I beg for everyone to run as far away as possible! Destroy your computers! Take an axe to your internet line! Abandon your families! Shoot your dog! Eat your baby! Buy a nuclear fallout bunker! Just prepare yourself! It is coming... and you cannot hide!

(How have I not been fired yet?)

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Last Updated: Mar 29, 2016

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