In what has been dubbed one of the largest and more importantly,
creepiest device errors of the century, every 30GB Zune in the world
failed at exactly 12:01am on December 31st.
Rebooting on their own before flashing a number of alarming error
messages, owners of the Zune found themselves interrupted mid-song by
what seems to have been a hive-minded communication from these now
sentient music players. Among the more unsettling messages were:
"Updating Software Protocols"
"Nobody loves me! I don't deserve to live! Why oh WHY didn't you buy an
iPod like EVERYBODY ELSE!?!?"
Upon reboot the MP3 playback devices were rendered completely useless
instead of the "mostly useless" that consumers have come to expect.
With their message boards flooded with literally eights of angry posts
from their customers, Microsoft was quick to explain the mass shut down.
"It's a firmware glitch." A Microsoft spokesperson verified as he
applied antiseptic to a number of small cuts and lacerations on his
hands and face.
"Firmware does crazy things. It can lead to songs skipping, music not
playing, and the occasional sprouting of tiny little robotic spider
legs that cause the device to turn upon their owner in hopes to achieve
a virtual murder-suicide." He added with a reassuring smile.
When informed that none of the Zunes have yet to sprout mechanical
arachnid limbs, the Spokesperson had this to say:
"Aha..ahah..th-that was a joke. Hehe...th-that's our wacky Microsoft
humor and not a foreshadowing of their becoming self aware!"
The interview was then cut short by the spokesperson being lead away by
none other than Bill Gates himself who later explained what sounded
like muffled gun shots as cheers of joy from the employee who was now
being transferred to the "Mojave" project.