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You STOLE Fizzy lifting drinks,

Dear Science,

Quit screwing with the bugs, you're making everyone *really* uncomfortable.

Sincerely,

The entire FRIGGING world

******************************

Okay, obviously I don't speak for the entire world...

If the world truly had a spokesperson I am more than positive that it wouldn't be a 34 year old geek with a warped sense of humor and a midget fetish. Still, as someone who has a creative outlet and the ability to reach a small number of the masses, I feel that it is my obligation - nay sir, my DUTY - to occasionally step into the light in order to illuminate the wrong doings that occur in the name of science.

Especially if they involve dicking around with bugs.

Because bugs dick back.

Bugs get OFF on creeping you out when you least expect it. In fact this is scientifically proven to be an insect's only form of entertainment. Bugs find NOTHING funnier than sneaking onto your shoulder and just waiting for you to turn your head so that they can lock eyes with you. That or they jump on your shoulder and wave frantically to your friends from a blind spot so that your buddies do that "HOLY HELL" wide eyed look as they stare at your shirt which makes YOU freak out because what the HELL are they staring at? Is it a spider? The only thing worse than a spider would be... oh dear God please don't be a bee...

Especially a bee that seems to be equipped with a goddamn JET PACK. As if running from a 1/100th of an ounce weight bug while doing that "slap your entire body while hopping around like a retard" dance isn't bad enough, now we have to worry about them breaking the sound barrier as they race forth to sting us like deadly little bee bullets?

...

Oh Jesus. A bee gun - I won't even get into it, because scientists are probably already working on it.

And while no, that isn't a jet pack on that bee, it is almost just as bad. It's a small radio that that scientists are equipping to the horrific little sting demons in order to help them track flight patterns and navigation. How is that bad?

Because now they have tiny little bee-sized Ham Radios, that's how.

Now they can organize and give themselves cool CB handles and form tiny little bee convoys. Sure it might sound paranoid, but excuse me if I think giving them what equates to bee cell phones is a BAD idea. I'm obviously not a scientist, because as I've pointed out before in a similar article inspired by scientists messing with bugs...

I watch the sci-fi channel.

And in watching the sci-fi channel I know things like "bee radios" are going to backfire on us, no matter what their intended use originally was. And while this may sound paranoid or silly, it is really just an introduction on the whole point of "Not Screwing With Bugs" because scientists have now *perfected*....

The goat spider.

"A HERD of goats containing spider genes is about to be milked for the ingredients of spider silk to mass-produce one of nature's most sought-after materials.."

Unless that most sought-after material is "death by spider goat", I REALLY don't think they're going to get what they want.

They've infused GOATS with spider DNA in order to make the goat milk turn into spider milk, which aside from having the world's greatest prank potential, (Ugh..my cheerios taste like CRAP..what kind of milk IS this? Wait...WHAT?) has to be the worst idea I've ever heard of.

Why?

Oh, I don't know...how about mutated spiders the size of GOATS? How in the HELL do you kill a goat-sized spider? You're not rolling a magazine and thwaping it into a jelly stain on the wall, that's for damn sure. And since it is part goat, when you hit it with your shoe - it would probably just eat it.

"But Coyote, that's not how science works. This won't produce a goat-spider, it merely changes the chemical composition of the goat's milk. What you are saying is impossible!"

...seriously...

Am I the *ONLY* one in this god damn world that GETS the Sci-fi channel? Am I the ONLY person in the world who thinks that maybe if we need spider milk that bad, we should milk spiders rather than try and Frankenstein up a batch? Am I the ONLY one who is creeped out by the thought of milking spiders?

This isn't how the FIRST generation of goat-spiders operate, sure. I'll give you that. But a few mutations down the old bloodline and we're facing tin can eating tarantulas the size of large dogs. Impossible you say? Well 20 years ago, the thought of inserting spider DNA into a frigging goat was impossible too.

Science likes to sling that word around like it has weight, right up until they say "uh oh" and something eats their face.

And at that point? You better pray that Richard Grieco is not only available to save us all...

...but that he has made friends with the trucker convoy bees.

Because we're going to need all the help that we can get.

-Coyote

 

Women in video games have come a long way since the days of 8-bit fragging. Female characters are on par with their male counterparts, can be hero OR villain, and are considered a normal part of gaming.

But it hasn't always been that way.

And because of that, I suspect that when games were first being developed a lot of the "male" characters that we know and love we in reality...

Women in disguise.

Now before you roll your eyes, remember that women were once oppressed in this country, treated as second class citizens, and if it could happen in the REAL world - why couldn't it happen in video games? I did a bit of research and have found the five most likely MALE characters....that are actually women.

Link (Legend of Zelda) - Let's just go with the obvious.

We all know that elves are kinda femmy to begin with, but the Legend of Zelda is nothing more than a badly disguised lesbian love story...

...not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that.

Hell. If anything it makes it HOTTER and adds replay value to the game. I mean two chicks doing..stuff that two chicks do? In a VIDEO GAME? C'mon - that just multiplies the awesome by a billion. I might even blow the dust off of the old Nintendo now, just to go back and visit the girls. That, and it changes the game's message just a little bit and makes it a bit more realistic.

Think about it.

Original Story: Ganon steals away the Princess because he loves her and Link is a rival for that love.

TRUE Story: Ganon steals away the Princess because he's like the father from Footloose who doesn't want the kids to dance because Satan invented the Hokey-Pokey. (**Fact verified, btw)

That's right, Ganon is Zelda's FATHER, and he knows that his daughter is just about ready to do some late night Cinemax prison flick, so he locks her away from her partner, the very butch - yet somehow NOT butch at all Link. In the original ending (that was censored) it was all revealed and Link and Zelda defeat Ganon, move to California ,and start an organic vegan health food store.

Luigi (Super Mario Bros) - Face it, Luigi just LOOKS like a chick in drag. As if he crawled right off of the set of some bad cookie cutter sitcom where the female lead pretends to be a man and puts her hair up under her hat before donning an overly obvious fake mustache.

Hilarity ensues until the "big reveal" in which no one realizes that the newly arrived repairman with the soft supple skin and the monster rack was really a chick.

Well guess what Luigi? It doesn't work on Prime Time and it doesn't work here. Did you think that we wouldn't notice that you look nothing like your fat ass brother? Or that underneath that work cap and bushy "Italian Grandmother" mustache that you were actually kinda hot?

You blew it, so come clean. Sure, "Super Mario Brothers" sounds a LOT cooler than "Super Mario Siblings", but come on - who ever heard of a SKINNY plumber? You proved to your father that girls can run the family business too, and I'm sure you impressed him with your knowledge, amassed collection of gold chains and your bright red Iroq-Z28, but now you are just insulting our intelligence.

Blanka (Street Fighter II) - Probably the most telling and obvious female-pretending-to-be-male character ever, because Blanka isn't even pretending.

I mean her name is BLANKA.

Obviously of Latin decent, it doesn't take a lingual genius to see that if Blanka was really a dude, his name would have been BLANKO - the MALE version of the name. Oh HO. Mrs. Lopez's 8th grade Spanish class is coming back to you now isn't it? You REMEMBER something about names ending in "A" or "O", and realize that "Holy shit! Coyote could be on to something that actually MAY be grammatically correct!"

So why the disguise? Why the smoke and mirrors and obvious cloak and daggery?

I honestly don't think that this was by design. I just think that Blanka was so frigging butt-ugly that no one ASSUMED that she could be a chick. I mean she's got heavy scoliosis, green skin, and kool-aid red hair - not exactly the "turn ons" that people list in their E-Harmony ad.

Plus, Street Fighter already had its "prerequisite hot chick" in the form of Chun-li. I mean if you're some knuckle dragging ape woman with green skin and curvature of  the spine, the LAST thing you want to do is be compared to some hot little Asian chick who does that cute little mouth covering hand giggle.

Poor Blanka. If Captain Kirk taught us ANYTHING, it was that green chicks need love too.

Sonic the Hedgehog - I defy you to find a more feminine creature in this world than a hedgehog.

Since Hedgehogs are asexual and reproduce by a form of "budding", technically Sonic shouldn't even be on this list. But as a REAL MAN, I know in my heart that if you don't have a "hedgehog" then you're a chick, even if you are asexual.

Which is why all plants are chicks too - with the exception of the cactus which is just about as manly as a frigging plant can GET. A cactus kicks the living hell out of other plants and the rides off into the sunset with some sexy rose in order to deflower her.

Cactus are COOL.

But Sonic? Sonic ran around all day trying to collect gold rings. Need I say more? Men don't care about rings, hell if it were up to MEN, when we got married we'd seal the deal with those little wire bread ties being wrapped around our fingers. No, collecting rings all day and then gabbing about them all proud of yourself at the end of every level is absolute a sign that Sonic was a chick.

Still, she had that "Butch spiked haircut Hot Topic working Goth chick" thing going, so she might have ya know, let you watch her and her girlfriend hedge the hog and all that.

So she's still cool.

Donkey Kong - "But Coyote, Donkey Kong is a GUY!"

Is he? IS he really?

Let's look at the ORIGINAL Donkey Kong for a second shall we? A big monkey steals Luigi ..sorry "The Princess" so that Mario has to rescue her. Now while you may be thinking "Doy, that's totally a guy move", you would absolutely be wrong.

That might be a guy *HUMAN* move, but as far as monkeys go that's totally screaming "I have hairy she-monkey parts". Same goes with King Kong. Check out the news sometime - whenever you get those touching stories about some ape adopting a kitten or falling in love with a puppy, it is ALWAYS a female ape.

Why? Because chicks are nurturing and loving. MEN are dicks.

Male monkeys don't adopt crap and pet it and keep it from harm. Men of any species were put on earth for three reasons and three reasons only:

*Eat.

*Have sex.

*Throw poop.

That's it. Three. Three reasons, and if you'll note - Donkey Kong did NONE of those things. He just adopted the Princess and wanted to be like friends and do her hair and crap. If Donkey Kong was a DUDE, you wouldn't have been hopping over flaming barrels, you would have been dodging softball sized chunks of monkey poo as he hucked them at your head.

Then he would have come over and ripped off you arms, because monkeys are strong enough to do that.

-Coyote
 

Bringing you more news than a 40 year old paper delivery man who still lives in his mother's basement and hits on high school chicks: Unscripted, Unrehearsed, and completely unresearched...

It's time once again for COYOTE ACTION NEWS!

EA gets fined for pinching pennies

Retired NFL Players everywhere celebrated oafishly as they blinked really slowly in victory over gaming giant, EA Games.

The lawsuit stems from the fact that EA Games purposely blurred, scrambled or otherwise altered retired players in their games in order to keep from having to legally reimburse them. However this money saving move landed them a 10 yard penalty for being miserly as it breached a long standing contract. The court decision awarded the players who had not been compensated 28 million dollars to split between them.

The fee was then paid on the spot with the loose change taken from an EA's pocket.

When asked if game spokesman John Madden himself was involved in the scandal, the announcer stepped up to his magical doodle screen and offered this statement:

"Now here's a guy who goes with the, he takes one of these here controllers and he's in the game with a catch before this other guy here with the money comes down here like this and everything is scrambled because now THAT is, that is old time football."

More on this story when we find a translator that speaks Maddenese.

ESRB and Ratings Promise NOT to STFU

More and more we see violence, real world crimes, and dumbass children being culled from the herd by their own retarded actions being blamed on video games. Because of this newly convenient digital scapegoat, the ESRB is diligently working on an iron-clad rating system that will keep underage children from playing games out of their "tier" by forcing them to whine endlessly for their parents to buy them the game anyway.

But it doesn't stop there.

The ESRB had moved the douche bag lever up a notch as it is now attempting to enforce with every rating, a text synopsis of the game - including key plot points and other "spoilers" that the player would have had to then before discover on their own.

"We're trying to get the spoilers IN game..." stated one ESRB spokesperson we interviewed. "I mean, who DOESN'T want to know when that monsters is going to pop out, or when a characters is suddenly going to betray you? We're saving people here. Do you remember those dumbasses who thought that the Blair Witch was real and had candle light pray circles for the kids that she killed? We'd be helping the people like THEM."

In agreement and in keeping with the new ESRB guidelines, please note that Pac man goes on forever, there is no "real" ending to Pitfall besides the game glitching out, regardless to what your one cousin claims, and at the end of Doom 3, more monsters pop out and scare the piss out of you.

Second Life Love Affair Grounds For First Life Divorce

A British couple who married in a extravagant Second Life wedding ceremony are now headed towards divorce in the wake of a scandalous in game affair. Amy Taylor said she had caught husband David having simulated sex with a digital woman. The British couple who met in an Internet chat room in 2003 are now separated and seeking real legal council.

Amy Taylor, the wronged party in this online marriage had this to say:

"EH! I come rih' 'ome I did, an' whut do I fine? Tha' cheeky sot was wickin' up some tart's nickasham witha biddly bunga do! Well I ain't rih' ta stick with tha' kinda nimbledy crickets so I raska'ma'do'd tha' 'ole thin' an' skitted ta me mum's fo' a bit' o' bask'n'bumble, eh? Eh?"

Little is known about the "other woman" in question except that she is American, a home wrecker, and playing the odds - more likely than not this man.

Solid Snake on the loose

A Turkish prisoner escaped a German prison this week by hiding in a cardboard box, sneaking onto a truck and leaving before the guards noticed. His where-abouts are unknown, but authorities may be looking for this man.

And no. We are NOT making this up.

The criminal, incarcerated for drug trafficking was only noted as missing when the truck's driver noticed a cut in the tarp of his vehicle. The driver had this to say.

"!"

Security personnel are carefully combing the area for the escaped convict by walking in perfectly straight lines and sweeping over dark areas with a triangle shaped cone of light. Security cameras that follow a predictable "back and forth" pattern and that have obvious blind spots have also been set up, but so far the criminal still remains at large.

Not Funny...Ever to move to new site

In breaking news, Not Funny...Ever will be migrated to the NEW site standard for Ten Ton Hammer, as it is the last to do so and is impeding progress because the site's main writer is, and I quote:

"A lazy, LAZY bastard."

The new link which will more than likely be active tomorrow (Unless he gets distracted, which honestly happens quiet easily) and will follow all sorts of guidelines and rules that we will continue to ignore in order to bring you juvenile humor and clean up with pictures of scantily clad women.

More on this story tomorrow as the site migrates to the current system.

-Coyote

((MONDAY!!!!!! That means that the new Avast Ye is up. Go and read it you jerks. I wanna be rich.))

If there is one thing in this world that geeks have spent more time on than video games, bad sci-fi, and comic books...

...it would be fantasizing about chicks that don't technically exist.

I'm not talking the girlfriend who looks like [insert current hot celebrity babe here] but lives in Canada and loves only you, I'm talking chicks from the very pages of the Sci-fi that we obsess over. THEY would love us, THEY would understand us, and THEY would be turned on by the fact that we collect action figures and have watched the Buffy musical more times than a straight man should ever admit.

So with that in mind I bring you:

"Uncle Coyote's List of 10 Alien Chicks that I would TOTALLY do."

One of the Klingon Chicks from Star Trek

I don't care which one, or even that they had teeth straight out of a dentist's waiting room in Arkansas - the Klingon chicks from Star Trek WERE HOT. Not CLASSICALLY hot, but hot in that "not afraid to show off their amazing gravity defying racks" kinda way.

The very moment they stepped onto the screen the little engineer in my pants was fighting desperately to stop a warp core breach of ungodly lust. Sure they have messed up teeth and savage tendencies, but they also have huge boobs, which gets them on this list.

They're like the British chicks of the future.

That Three Boobed Chick from Total Recall

How could I possibly leave her off of THIS list?

She was every young boy's dream. A hot, easy, slutty chick....with three boobs. Not one, not two, but THREE torso torpedoes ripe for a heavy ogling. Okay, so she had like two lines and sounded like Fran Dresher with a head cold - it didn't matter, she had THREE BOOBS.

The possibilities were endless.

If you watched the movie, she had about 32 seconds total air time - but if you watched the movie in slow mo with heaving pausing as a teenage boy, she's been on air longer than David Letterman.

I mean...THREE BOOBS...

That Green Chick That Kirk Nailed 

It was supposed to be shocking and controversial that Kirk nailed the green skinned alien chick harder and faster than a carpenter with Parkinson’s...

But it wasn't. It totally wasn't. Let's face it, she was frigging SEXY and Kirk was a horn dog. It didn't matter that she was green, HELL - that's kind of a turn on. A forbidden fruit, a taboo conquest, or even - dare I say it - rainforest fever.

How this scene was supposed to be shocking, I'll never know. She was hot and had a nice body - the fact that she was green probably didn't even register to Kirk until the next morning when he was kicking her out of his room and absently noting the color contrast of his foot on her ass as he dumped her in the hallway and "swush swushed" the door closed in her face.

Kirk was a dick like that.

Laliari from Galaxy Quest

Sure, she was really an alien octopus chick with an image projector that made her look more human, but god DAMN was she cute. Plus, think of all the things that she could do with those suction cups. And why does her being an octopus alien have to be a BAD thing?

You don't have to buy her dinner or gifts or even court her to get her in the sack. Just throw a dead fish on a hook and wait for her latch onto it like a pit-bull on a Jehovah’s witness and reeeel her in.

Oh, I'd fix her broken translator. I'd fix it REAL good.

The Alien Robot Chick from Mars Attacks

...

Uh..how did...SHE get on the list? Must...be..a weird typo..or something...

...I don't want...what? No..she's not..um...attractive....I...with..

...

....

Don't you judge me! DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME! There was just something about her...that...

YOU WOULD! YOU TOTALLY WOULD! DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

Chiana

What's black and white and sexy all over?

Okay, so she looks like a photo-negative, does that really matter? Like the green skinned chick a few inches up, it isn't the color of the skin that matters. What matters is that she oozes sexuality, and would probably be up for ANY freaky naughtiness that you could come up with.

If there is ANYTHING in this universe hotter than a space slut, I'd love to know what it is. Animalistic, sensual, and moving with an undeniable grace, Chiana makes me more than willing to catch whatever Space Herpes she might have.

It would be worth the itching.

Sally Solomon                     

There is just something to be said about Amazons.

Sally Solomon was the ONLY reason to watch 3rd Rock from the Sun. Do you realize how hot a chick has to be to cancel out "The French Stewart Effect"? Over six foot tall and blonde, she makes me wish that she was my date to the prom, because I'm short and would be ALL about the slow dancing.

Plus? She's an Amazon, so you know...

DEATH BY SNU-SNU! 

The Blue Jedi Chick

This is where all of you Star Wars dweebs tell me her real name, and how she got her powers, and her back story and about a zillion other facts about her that only helps harden the cement that encases your virginity. I don't have to know her name. I don't have to know her origins. All that I have to know about her is that she gives me a double staff light saber in my pants.

Yeah, the blue head tentacle thingies are a little odd, but truth be told - I hardly ever make it UP to her head when I see pictures of her.

I would give her a disturbance in the force that would curl her toes.

Six of Nine from Tripping the Rift

Six of Nine might have been an android - or a cyborg, or some sort of robot, I don't remember. And more importantly, I don't CARE. What I DO remember is that when she unleashed her server rack, I forgot that I was watching a digital animation and went right into hyper drive.

Before it was watered down and made acceptable for public consumption on television, Tripping the Rift was a geek staple, and Six of Nine gave many a lonely geek a full nine of nine every time we watched it.

Even if the clown ass WAS kinda creepy.

Leeloo Dallas Multipass

Saving the very best for last, I bring you Leeloominai Lekarariba Laminai'Tchai Ekbat De'Sebat.

Speaking in the divine language and ripping into a chicken leg half naked, there was nothing about the Fifth Element that I didn't like. She was hot, kicked major ass, wore cloth straps as clothing and had no qualms about getting naked. If she had three boobs, I would have legally married this DVD.

Plus, I'm a sucker for completely made up but really well done alien accents.

...

Is it suddenly warm in here?

I better go check that warp core.

-Coyote

((*Special thanks to Loolee for helping me remember some of the hot chicks that I forgot that I couldn't ever forget :)  *))

 

 

 

 

The mayor of Batman, Turkey is suing Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros Productions for using the town's name without permission as the basis of one of their stories.

Haha! You thought that I meant the REAL Batman right? The Dark Knight? The brooding vigilante who strikes fear in the hearts of evil-doers everywhere?

Well….keep reading.

As far fetched and as laughable as this scheme might seem, it could very well work in his favor and net the crafty little Turkish Mayor a bit of Batman's vast fortune. You see, this isn't the FIRST time that the Mayor has used this tactic, as back in 2007 he went after DC Comics and (Wait. The DC in DC Comics stands for "Detective Comics". So the name of their company is technically Detective Comics Comics? Isn't that a bit redundant redundant?) settled out of court for an UNDISCLOSED amount of cash. Which he then allegedly used to fund terrorism, as he was charged in February of 2008 for promoting terrorism and sentenced to 10 months in jail.

Let me sum that up.

Batman, took money from BATMAN in order to FUND TERRORISTS. How is THAT for a prime example of the circle of life?! He busts the bad guys, then gives them money to train NEW bad guys so that he has someone to bust?

It's like that af-

No. No. I can't do it. I can't sit here and mock everything that the Dark Knight stands for! To even joke that Batman could have ANYTHING in common with a terrorist leader wanted by the world is ridiculous. For one, Batman doesn't wear one of those weird head wrappy things that turns his noggin into a man-burrito. He wears a MASK, which is WAY cooler because it hides his identity without making him look like he just stepped out of the shower to answer the phone.

Batman is a gleaming symbol of vigilante justice! Sure he might have to side step a few of the smaller laws in order to bash in the head of a bad guy, but to compare him to a known, wanted, TERRORIST? How far of a stretch is THAT? I mean one of them is a billionaire who spends a good chunk of his time hidden away in a secret cave in some unknown location, where he hides out building weapons and gadgets that help him in his life's mission, and the other is...

...

....

You know what? THAT isn't the point.

The point is that if this is true, and if Nolan and Warner Bros settle out of court, each and everyone of us along with ANYONE who has ever rented, bought, or read a Batman comic or movie has helped in his or her own actions...TO FUND TERRORISM.

Son of a bitch. We're all going to jail.

This plot is something straight out of the very comic world that the town gets its name from. That's right, they made me go and do RESEARCH. So I say this because Batman, Turkey wasn't "Batman" until 1955. DC has been using Batman the superhero since 1939. You would think that the lawyers for Detective Comics Comics would have checked that little fact fact before they paid paid, and inadvertently made us all unknowing contributors to global terrorism.

So what does this mean for us? For the next up and coming Batman movie?

I have no clue, because I'm too busy using MSPaint to put a Batman mask on Osama.

But I can tell you what this WILL mean if Nolan and Warner Bros roll over like DC Comics did and give this whack job even a penny - especially since he was ARRESTED for promoting terrorism. It'll mean that you're giving money to a company that gives money to terrorists, which means you should probably invest in a lucky glow in the dark snorkel, because there will be some water boarding in your near future.

And not the fun kind that you do in the lake with a speed boat.

THE OTHER kind, that you do in a dank cave usually reserved for storing vehicles named after yourself and hiding pinups of Robin in seductive poses.

Yeah. NOW you see why he makes Robin wear the tights.

-Coyote

(Special thanks to Bongo for bringing this breaking news to my doorstep via comicbookmovie.com. To see Bongo's version of the Bat, go check out his comic, Amazing Super Team over at drunk duck. You won't be disappointed.)

http://www.comicbookmovie.com/batman_movies/news/?a=5197

I'm trapped in Albany.

I'm trapped in Albany, alone.

I'm trapped in Albany, alone, with an expense account that allows me to eat dinner for free.

So while I don't normally do food or restaurant reviews (unless I'm forcing my family to eat something disgusting for my amusement), I couldn't resist doing at least one column on a small diner that was recommended to me during my stay here. Not only was my experience *that* memorable, but it fulfils the "horrible things that happen to me" requirement that you all seem to demand in your entertainment. So I figured that this was a tale that had to be told.

A dear friend of mine who once lived in this area and who knows of my love for all things Chili and/or "Cheese Dog" recommended a small eatery that specializes in just that: Hotdogs. She printed me out a map and before I knew it, I was on my way to "Gus's Hot Dogs" in Watervliet. (Town Motto: "Yeah, it's probably misspelled, you wanna make somethin' of it tough guy?")

Gus's Hot Dogs is a tiny, hole-in-the-wall diner.

Please note however, that this is not me using a phrase or a common colloquialism, it is literally a HOLE in the wall that they just occasionally huck hot dogs out of, which oddly enough is fine with me.

Because this is MY kind of place.

It is through this dark dank portal that customers like me step into the actual restaurant in order to get themselves a HDOQO. (Hot Dog of Questionable Origin) And by "customer" I really mean "people that they absolutely frigging HATE". This is quickly made evident by the fact that all of the wait staff and the one lone customer dining in one of the two available booths all give me the hairy eyeball.

Apparently they're not used to people coming INSIDE, as most customers go to the front of the eatery and order their food from the counter windows that are usually reserved for getting ice cream from places with names like "Yummy in my Tummy". So my little dining faux pas was an instant black mark and I could hear the cook all but working up a good lather of spit for whatever food I dare order.

The truth is...

I saw the window.

And I knew deep down inside that I was probably supposed to go to it and yell my food through the prison slots like the normal everyday customer. I realized that going inside was probably a death sentence, but I did it any way - and with good reason:

A) I wanted a souvenir like a t-shirt or a mug or a cute little "I ate at Gus's and didn't instantly die from an ill-tempered tape worm related incident" novelty bear to mark this momentous occasion. And..

3) The counter was WAY higher off of the ground then you'd normally see, and I didn't want to stand on my little hobbit tip-toes. Which honestly doesn't make me taller so much as it strengthens and draws more attention to the glaring fact that I'm REALLY short.

So climbing up over the curb with some help from the other members of the Lollipop Guild, I went IN. Rules BE DAMNED.

And man did I get the stink eye something fierce.

I'm guessing it was because I looked a tad bit out of place. I was still in slacks and a button up shirt, and even though this was absolutely my kinda place to get some grub, to them I had to be dressed kind of fancy. I mean my shirt had a "collar" and actual "buttons" and was lacking any type of suspicious blood stain.

So I leaned against the countertop and offered my cheeriest smile and tried to set them all at ease. In return, they looked at me and my fancy "store bought" clothing with a mixture of fear and loathing that they probably only reserve for terrorists and Health Inspectors.  (Which as I type this in hindsight, in my grey dress shirt, ID badge from work, and clipboard that I carried like a frigging retard, is EXACTLY what I probably looked like - so they had every reason to hate me, and/or spit in my food.)

Warily one of the diner's employees approached and looked me over with suspicioun. I removed my now sopping wet and food stained arm from the countertop and tried to reassure him with a smile as he nodded mutely in anticipation of my order.

"I came all the way from SYRACUSE for these hot dogs!" I laughed like a true wiener (HA!) as I tried to show him that I was just a friendly customer and not someone that they should beat to death with a table leg and turn into reasonably priced stew.

They didn't give a damn where I was from. I was a damn dirty outsider, and I was wasting valuable time that they could be spending not washing their hands or following any sort of health code. Taking the stony silence as my cue, I looked around to see if they had some sort of menu, but I didn't see one.

"Soooo...is there like a menu?" I asked with a friendly "people will notice me missing" smile as I looked around. I was hoping for chili-fries or Cajun bites, or some other exotic dish that incorporated the name "Gus" in its description. After a long, uncomfortable moment of silence, he stepped out of the way and nodded to the old refrigerator behind him where someone had painstakingly drawn the menu on with a Sharpie Marker.

It was at that *exact* moment that I decided to just get the mini hotdogs that my friend had described to me, before someone got badly hurt. (That someone being ME.) So I pretended to look over the menu on the refrigerator before nodding knowingly and turning back to my graceful host.

"I'll have six mini chili cheese dogs with onions and mustard please." I said with a polite smile as he turned back towards the grill and fetched my order. He slapped the dogs on a plate, covered it with a paper bag and handed it to me. (Six mini dogs, in mini buns are about the size of 3 regular hotdogs with all the fixins'.)

"Fi-doll tense." He told me in what could only be described as a "can kill you and disappear because he's not even legally IN this country" accent.

....

Holy HELL.

ALL of that food, (it was heaped on the plate) for FIVE dollars and TEN CENTS?!? I'd have MORE than enough left over for one of the BIG bottles of Pepto!

Paying the man and finding myself in suddenly amazing spirits because of the money saving cheapness of my dinner, I looked around for a display or some sort of indication that they sold the "Gus's Hot Dogs" t-shirts that they all seemed to be wearing. I wanted, no, I NEEDED to feel this uniform of discounted goodness next to my skin.

But....I didn't see any for sale.

"Hey, where can I buy one of those shirts?" I said with another friendly grin that went largely hated by the populace. He stared at me blankly and looked around before repeating the word "shirt" in that "I have NO frigging CLUE what you are saying" accent of his.

So I went more basic.

"I..buy..shirt?" I said, pointing to my wallet and then his shirt.

BINGO! THAT got through. His eyes lit up in understanding and he KNEW what I wanted. We were on the same page! We had overcome the language barrier and we were communicating like brothers. He knew without SPEAKING what I wanted!

I wanted to buy the shirt that he was wearing.

Because he started to peel it off.

...

....

I decided that I should go. Quickly. Picking up my bag of "food poisoning to go", I stepped out through the doorway to the twilight zone and headed back to my car before he expected me to drop some dollars into his man-hammock. Driving back to my hotel, I went inside, pulled out the stack of mini-dogs from the now translucent grease stained bag, and before commonsense or some unconscious defense mechanism that all animals are born with could stop me...

I bit into my first ever "Gus's Hot Dog" from Watervliet.

I should have gotten more than six.

They were abso-frigging-lutely DELCIOUS. They were BEYOND delicious. They transcended deliciousness by leaps and bounds. In fact, they were SCRUMPTIOUS. Hell, they were SCRUM-DIDDILY-UMPTIOUS!

How in the HELL were they only 5 dollars and 10 cents?!? This food was freaking PHENOMINAL! I wanted to marry them! I wanted to have their babies! I wanted to then EAT those babies and relish in their astonishing deliciousness!

Without (much) exaggeration, Gus's Hot Dogs in Watervliet is EASILY one of the best Hotdog joints that I have *ever* been to. The food was simply amazing, fresh, and masterfully prepared in spite of the fact that the entire diner looked like it was in danger of being condemned or possibly carried off by rats. Sure the atmosphere sucked, the wait staff all carried switchblades behind their ears instead of pencils, and they carved your order into their wrist...

...but holy hell - the food was AMAZING.

So if you are EVER butt lost in Albany and end up in Watervliet, I HIGHLY recommend that you give Gus's a try. (Not that you'll ever go there or find it as it isn't a national chain, and not everyone is as open minded as I am when it comes to eating food served through a slot in a dirty wall.)

Just don't dress like a Health Inspector.

They HATE that.

-Coyote

( **Update** There was no fall out or consequence from eating afterwards. I didn't die, get sick, or pull a Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber in the bathroom. The only thing that food gave me was an insane craving for MORE. )

Fallout 3 hit the stores a couple of weeks ago, and is nothing short of awesome. Following the lines of the original game, and games like Bioshock and System Shock 2, Fallout 3 promises something that most games can't...

...reeeeeaaaaally catchy swing music. (Plus a lunchbox and bobblehead if you get the collector's edition.)

Plot: Boom.

Mankind did the unthinkable: They nuked the planet.

Luckily for you that right before the shockwave of radiation foofed their hair out their heads like dandelions in a spring breeze, your ancestors managed to escape to The Vaults. The Vaults were designed to comfortably (and indefinitely) house entire city populations safely underground in the event of nuclear fallout. They'd simply wait underground sipping fruity girly beverages that come with whole chunks of pineapple and little umbrellas, and enjoy themselves until enough time passed that they could once again walk on the surface of the newly paved over Earth.

But not so for the survivors in Vault 101.

You see, over generations the Vault Leader's role slowly morphed from "guy in charge" to "unquestioned King of the stink people", (I say stink people because after living for generations underground, even in the cleanest of vaults, chances are you are genetically born with an odor of corn chips and feet.) and his lineage became that of royalty. So King Smells-like-cheese decided that for the safety of you, your family, and everyone living in the Vault, the residents of Vault 101 would live there forever.

And as pissed off as this made SOME of the residents, no one wants to be the first guy to "peek his head out and check" to see if the really deadly face melting radiation is still there.

So they lumped it.

Besides, life in The Vault was pretty good. Sure it was rusty and falling apart, and okay - so the population had died off, people were getting really sick and occasionally rabbit sized mutated cockroaches known as "Radroaches" chewed up some kid's mother - but hey, you still had WHISKEY!

I'm serious. This game is ALL about the whiskey. You might have to cobble together armor from the skins of homeless people, and sure, a lot of people live in houses made completely out of poo because there are no materials to build REAL homes, but you still have your whiskey. You find bottles of it EVERYWHERE and walk around a corner without clanging through stacks of discarded containers. Which just goes to prove the old saying:

"Where there's swill, there's a way."

I'll let the horridness of that statement sink in for a moment.

ANYWAY, you dear old Dad figures out that the Vault Leader is lying to his community, and figures out a way to escape from the Vaults! He made it to freedom!  ...and left you behind with the whiskey and the giant cockroaches.

Father of the year, he is not.

So Pops splits, which pisses off the Vault Leader who decides that he has to kill YOU for no other reason than to further the plot, which means that you have to escape and track down your father - probably because he skipped out on child support. You fight your way out of the vault that has been your home since birth, and over power the highly trained security guards with a few well-placed BB-gun shots to the head.

Luckily for you that A) you have a BB gun, and 2) years of living in the vaults has turned people into easily decapitated meat puppets with no hit points to speak of.

You've done it! You've escaped the vaults, and blink directly into the sun for the first time as you realize the truth: The world has survived, the vaults weren't the only safe haven, and somehow even though it is the future and there are robots and laser guns...

...it's still somehow 1945.

Which is awesome because that means that you're allowed to hit women and they can't do anything about it because they're all girly and weak.

Game play: Fallout 3 has the look and feel of a first person shooter, but is melded seamlessly with the percentage mechanics of your standard "old school" role playing game. Very reminiscent of Oblivion, but with more guns and mutants getting decapitated by BB-gun blasts, the game is set in the post apocalyptic future..past...

...and can be at times, "eerie as all hell".

If you don't think that 1940's swing music can be frightening, then you've never been attacked by radioactive mutant zombie ghouls while some chick is singing in a Trans Atlantic accent. In fact, if there is something more frightening than someone crooning ala Slim Whitman while badly stitched giant mutants swing at your head with a parking meter, I don't want to know what it is.

This game has ALREADY damaged my heart.

Giant bugs, exploding faces, giant cannibal mutant Frankenstein looking bastards who laugh as the charge you because you're reloading like a retard - this game has it all. And the best part is, every action has a consequence and affects how the NPC's view you. Think Fable, but with more bear traps and melted faces.

If you want to be good, then the townspeople reward you, thank you, even bring you gifts. If you want to be bad and say....

...explode a town full of orphans, old people and normal folk just trying to get by because a perfect stranger offered you 500 bottle caps to do so?

You could do that too. You would probably be the most vile and evil person ever to walk the earth, even if it IS just a video game, but you could do it. Right Radar?

Conclusion and Rating: I give this game the highest score that I possible can - A double A plus (A++), two paws WAY up, and a whole bunch of barely contained boobies.

The game is phenomenal, and quite honestly gives you that old feeling of "man do I want to call in JUST to play" that comes so rarely with the flood of video games that have hit the market. Fallout 3 is easily one of, if not THE best title to hit the shelves this year and I highly recommend it.

You won't be disappointed. Unless you blow up the town full of orphans.

Right Radar?

-Coyote

With the X-men movies making billions of dollars, and the success of movies like Iron Man, who managed to make Tony Stark likeable, superhero movies are becoming the latest trend in sucking the money directly out of the wallets of geeks everywhere.

And it HAS to stop.

Why? Because they've run out of GOOD superhero ideas, and now they're starting to scrape the bottom of the comic book barrel. Don't believe me? Here are five up and coming movies, based off of superheroes that shouldn’t be ever be made, but sadly are:

Ant-man (2010)

Summary: Doctor Henry "Hank" Pym discovers a bunch of subatomic particles that he labels "Pym Particles" that allow him to shrink to the size of an ant. With a cybernetic helmet of his own design, he's able to both communicate with, and control the insect of which he takes his name.

Ants.

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: Because Hank Pym is King of the douche bag people.

We HATE Hank Pym.

First of all, the guy isn't even a mutant - he's some arrogant scientist who names a newly discovered subatomic particle after HIMSELF. Ego much? This guy is worse that Lou Gehrig naming that disease after himself - but it gets even better. Second of all, he gets bored with being "Ant-man" and magically develops OTHER formulas that give him all sorts of different powers whenever his A.D.D. starts acting up.

Giantman, Goliath, and the every impressive "Yellow Jacket". A bee suit wearing version of Ant-man. Only some cocky bastard would think that shrinking down to the size of an ant and controlling them is impressive.

They're ants.

Unless you are planning on ruining a picnic, or creeping me out when I sleep, an army of ants isn't exactly impressive. It's hard to be scared by something that you can stop with a can of raid, or distract with a discarded cookie. Ants suck. Ant-man sucks, and with luck, someone stops on him, or he gets stuck in a wad of bubblegum.

Stupid Hank Pym....stupid ants.

Silver Surfer (2009)

Summary: Norrin Radd, in an effort to stop his planet from being devoured by the eater of worlds, Galactus, offers to work for him and scout out other worlds for the intergalactic fat-ass to munch down. He is transformed into a creature of living metal and rides through the galaxy on a giant silver surfboard in search of worlds for Galactus to devour.

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: Because it's a frigging retard on a surfboard.

I've ALWAYS hated the Silver Surfer, and while other comic geeks will tell you how amazing he is, or how he represents an inner struggle, or how he betrays Galactus - all I can see is that stupid god damn surfboard. You're telling me with unlimited cosmic power, knowledge of alien technology and superior science, the BEST frigging thing he could come up with is a surf board? How do you pick up chicks on a SURF BOARD?

"Hi, wanna fly through cosmos with me on my magical surf board?"

"What happens if we fly through a miniature meteor storm?"

"....  .... You'll probably lose most of your face."

Space isn't some big empty black mass like you learn in Mrs. Peterson's 3rd grade science class. There's stuff up there. Debris, small meteors, asteroids, soda cans from those littering god-damn astronauts - SPACE is cluttered. And if you're on a giant god damn surf board, chances are you're going to be hanging ten into SOMETHING painful.

Plus, it's a god damn surfboard.

This is like an acid trip gone wrong. A bunch of stoner beach bums giggling around a drum circle and trying to hold in the sticky icky smoke giggling about the ultimate superhero. Well guess what potheads? HE SUCKS. I hope a gigantic cosmic shark takes a bite out of his silver hippy ass.

The Green Hornet (2010)

Summary: A masked vigilante, the Green Hornet fights crime and strikes fear into the hearts of evil doers everywhere by having Bruce Lee kick their ass while sitting back and trying not to get dirt on his green fedora.

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: Because Bruce Lee is dead.

Bruce Lee played "Kato", the Green Hornet's man servant. It was Kato's job to drive him around, run his errands, and occasionally karate chopped someone in half, which scared the living crap out of the bad guys. No one was scared of the Green Hornet himself, but like the owner of a really nasty pit-bull, he got the reputation of being a badass because everyone was afraid of Bruce.

But now that Bruce Lee is dead, the Green Hornet is just some middle aged white dude in a green mask and fedora. He doesn't even have any super powers other than being rich and white. (Which seems to be the hall mark of most early superheroes. Back then, money WAS a super power.)

And besides, how hard would it be to track THIS guy down? Green fedoras aren't exactly "common place" and I'm seriously doubting he's an accomplished tailor, so he didn't make it. A couple of quick search engine googles and boom - you have the maker, his records, and the name of the old white dude with the verde noggin cover.

The Green Hornet sucks. His sidekick does all the work, kicks all the ass, and this guy gets all the credit?

Hey JACKASS! It's hard to hide in the shadows when you look like a leprechaun in bondage gear!

Dumbass.

Luke Cage (2009)

Summary: Gang member Luke Cage is framed for a crime he didn't commit, and in order to get out of jail he agrees to undergo experimental procedures that give him super strength and near invulnerable skin. With his new powers he fights crime under the super clever alter ego of "Power Man".

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: Who frames a gang member?

If you are a gang member - chances are you've already done something worth going to jail for, which is probably WHY you are in a gang. Gang members aren't traditionally known for their kind-yet-misunderstood ways, and despite what television or after school specials might lead you to believe:

There are no "good" gangs.

And even if there were, they'd all be killed in the first gang fight because guns and knives do a lot more damage than hugs and turning the other cheek. Oh, and dancing. If you are in a gang and you dance like the retards from West Side Story?

You are probably involved in a WHOLE DIFFERENT type of "Gang Banging" that we can't get into here because Radar will faint.

Luke Cage is strong, but not as strong as 99% of the other superheroes out there, is "kinda" invulnerable, but not really because he gets hurt a lot, and would be an AWESOME superhero if there were no other heroes in the comic book world. Up against you and me, he's a living god. But put him with other superheroes and he shuts up and tries not to draw attention to himself lest he earn a good ass kicking.

He's like the college kid who hangs out with high school kids and seems really cool until OTHER college kids show up and point out how big of a loser he is.

We hate Luke Cage.

Superman: The Man of Steel (2010)

Summary: The last son of Krypton (**until you know, other Kryptonians show up, repeatedly) Kal-El came to earth as a child where the radiation from our yellow sun gave him super human powers. Adopted and raised by the Kents, he assumed the role of their son, and learned values and morals and respect. Taking those lessons he puts on some blue tights and a flamboyantly gay red cape and flies around fighting crime while distracting bad guys with his obviously outlined junk poking through his unitard.

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: HA! Bet you didn't see THIS one coming!

I *love* Superman. He is easily one of my favorite heroes and as much as I'd love to see him hit the big screen, I have to pray for this movie to tank before it truly gets off the ground.

Why?

Because I HATE what they do with Superman. It is always the same plot, and the same story, and nothing NEW can ever come from it. (Except for making him GAY in the last movie, which I have to admit was pretty new.) The plots always follow this formula:

*Superman shows up and stops bad guy.

*Attractive female lead falls in love with Superman.

*Superman falls in love with attractive female lead, but it can never be because he belongs to the world, would put her in danger, and because of the last movie - may very well be gay.

*Villain bests Superman who loses his powers (or is crippled by Kryptonite) , almost wins, but right at the end Superman Triumphs.

Every. Single. Time.

That's the plot. And while you might be thinking "But the villain had kryptonite!", I'm thinking "Yeah, but Superman could have melted his frigging head with his heat vision". Superman has heat vision, cold breath, can move faster than light, can fly around the world and reverse time, and yet EVERY SINGLE FRIGGING TIME the bad guy manages to get close enough to him to weaken him with kryptonite.

THIS is probably what drove Margo Kidder insane.

Christopher Reeves was the last TRULY good Superman, (1 and 2, everything after that was just tripe, and yes, that includes the Richard Pryor movie, although the fighting himself scene was cool) and there just hasn't been anyone to capture that spirit since. So unless they're digging him up and slapping the suit on his still-strapped-to-a-wheel-chair corpse, I'm not interested.

Because I would totally watch that.

Totally.

-Coyote

(MONDAY!!! I'm in Albany ALL week!! Yay!! Here's a fun Albany Fact!! "Albany sucks. Badly." But luckily for you, you're not here AND it is Monday, so that means the NEW Avast Ye is up. Go, read, enjoy, make us famous.)

 

 

I'm taking the day off. I know, I know...

Lame way to end the week, but Uncle Coyote needs a day off kids.

What little bit I have left of a brain is fried, and I have to prepare for a rather lengthy business trip. But have no fear, I'll be back on Monday with all sorts of tales and geek related adventures about my journey.

So until then:

You're all now infected with Stage 1 Solanum, and have about 24 hours to live before you are reanimated as the walking dead.

You might be thinking:

"Ha, nice try Coyote - but Solanum isn't contagious like the flu! You can't get infected just by coming here, reading the sign and breathing the air! It isn't AIRBORNE! HA! NOOB!"

Well, you're wrong.

It is.

I've been misting infected blood through the ventilation system and you've all been inhaling it, even as you read these words. It's on your skin, in your mouth, in your nose, and in your lungs.

Now go forth my children and bite somebody.

I'll see you next week.

-Coyote