TenTonHammer.com - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

When we play an MMOG (Massive Multiplayer Online Game), we become to a degree, invested.

Unlike a normal video game where you follow a storyline and go from point A) to point B) in order to finish a quest or a level, MMOG's allow us to develop a unique character with his or her own personality. They allow you to take nearly an infinite amount of time and invest it in your character and in the game itself crafting and tailoring the gaming experience to meet and satisfy your own personal needs.

And sometimes, this bores the piss out of us.

While these games may seem to have nearly endless replay value, the truth is - after a year or two of the same world, the same models and the same scenery, you start to crave change. Sure you're the biggest and the baddest but other than pwnin' n00bs, what do you have to look forward to? You've done it all, seen it all, and while you could start again on a new character...

...chances are that your eye begins to wander.

You start looking at other MMOG's in search of that feeling of excitement, enjoyment and adventure that your current game once supplied. You might notice the plump round backside of some hot new title, and with heavy heart you may denounce your game of choice and leave for another...

Unless you play World of Warcraft. Then your ass isn't going anywhere.

When new games spring up, they have to get their population from somewhere, and that somewhere is mostly made up of the CURRENT games that are on the market. So when Age of Conan, and (most recently) Warhammer Online were released, World of Warcraft saw a huge dip in numbers as their players ran off to try new worlds and games.

And then 64% of them CAME BACK.

Which just goes to prove: You don't quit WoW, WoW quits YOU!

Like junkies crawling through broken glass to grovel at the feet of a back alley dealer, the flood of gamers leaving World of Warcraft have started to trickle back, and now that trickle has become a flood. And while I never cared for the game personally, (My mage shouldn't look like Hulk Hogan. Of course, in argument, Hulk Hogan shouldn't look like Hulk Hogan. NO ONE should look like Hulk Hogan. His skin is the color of an old leather recliner, and his handle bar mustache looks like it should sprout eyes and latch angrily onto the face of anyone who defies his Hulkamania. But I digress, bruther.) I have to respect the fact that their numbers simply do not lie.

WoW is a good game.

It HAS to be.

It is still the top grossing MMOG on the market, it is to date one of the most successful MMOG's *ever* to launch, and even though I think that it pales in comparison to my beloved EverQuest II, I have to admit that it IS a good game.

Nine BILLION people can't be wrong.

Well, they can. I mean, that's roughly the number of people in the world who think that it's acceptable for men to wear "Crocs". I mean come on people, big plastic shoes with holes in them that come in Day-Glo colors? How is THIS a socially acceptable fashion statement?

When did it become acceptable for grown MEN to dress like seven year old girls? Who buys their footwear off of a hanger in the SUPERMARKET?

See? People can be wrong. But in terms of World of Warcraft, if that many people are playing, that many left, and that many came back, the drug HAS to be good, right? I'm not sure how I dodged drinking the brightly colored cartoon Kool-aid of WoW, but in retrospect, I'm glad that I did.

Because I'm starting to suspect that if you're a WoW player, you may not be so by choice. Like a plot to a bad movie, you might have stumbled into something and are now being forced to play. Like some sort of skinny, pasty, doughy geek hostage.

If I'm right, blink twice. Don't say anything. Blink twice.

-Coyote

Welcome back to yet another edition of Coyote Action News. The hardest hitting, most ground breaking, and least fact having news source on the internet today.

Our top sources from around the internet have brought you the gaming and geek news that you want to read, when you want to read it. Unabashed, unbiased, and totally abashed and biased, let's get to the news.

Scientists working on force fields, cloaking device next

While scientists around the world are working on robotic prototypes to explore the surface of Mars, our very own NASA is approaching a more unorthodox method of probing the mysterious red planet.

"We're going to have the first man on Mars if it KILLS us." A NASA official was reported to comment before quickly amending his statement. "Not that it will. Pffft. We'll give them like, force fields and stuff. Like in the jails cells on Star Trek. Remember those? Yeah, those Klingon chicks had HUGE...um...force fields. Definitely force fields."

NASA is indeed working on the prototype for a "mini-magnetosphere" which will mimic Earth's own magnetosphere and protect would-be space travelers from cosmic rays, solar radiation, and "romulan disrupters". The idea is that the force field would generate a protective shield not only around the astronaut, but the entire vessel, allowing it to travel through the blackness of space with no threat of damage.

Plus, it will look really REALLY frigging cool.

US Navy building video game power suit

Taking inspiration from the popular video game series "Half Life", the United States Navy has announced that they are developing an actual working version of the environmental suit that the game's main character is outfitted with.

"The system will monitor a few biomarkers for deviations from safe levels, at which point it will automatically medicate its wearer..." Comes an actual real quote from the article, which just gets us giddy with excitement. When reached for further comment, one Navy developer had this to say.

"Dude. This isn't Cosplay baby, this is the REAL DEAL. You get hurt? BLAM! You get morphine injected RIGHT into your ass. Who wouldn't want a crack head suit?"

Indeed, the suit's environmental protection will be designed to keep its wearer both safe, and fully healed up to 100% health without forcing him to rely on health packs or the odd charging station. Obviously this unit will have unparalleled value in the field, and will guarantee that its wearer is protected from any negative stimuli.

When asked what the suits primary function will be, or in what situation it provide the most protection, the developer responded with:

"Head crabs man. Head crabs. Those f***ing things are EVERYWHERE. You guys think it is just a game but...man..I..Wait. You've got security clearance right?"

More on this story as it develops.

Charity fails saving throw vs. being a dumbass

Over $17,000 dollars was raised in honor of late Dungeons and Dragons Co-creator Gary Gygax at this years famed GenCon event in an effort to support his favorite charity "The Christian Children's Fund. The CCF is one of the world's most recognizable charities and familiar to anyone who has ever tried to watch TV while eating dinner only to be shown pictures of children with flies on their lips living in what seems to be a urine coated shoebox. For the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can support a child and give them hope, light, and happiness.

Unless you're a dirty filthy gamer.

When it was discovered by the CCF that most of the money came from the sale of Dungeons and Dragons merchandise, they quickly returned it and refused the generous offer.

"Keep your devil money Frodo, those kids might be starving, but they're not THAT hungry." One Christian Children's Fund representative was reported saying as he held up his hands and quickly did that weird "cross himself" maneuver.

"Do you really think that these kids want to eat food that they KNOW came from the sales of Dungeons and Dragons stuff? Do you really think that they'd want your charity just so that they could EAT you blasphemous demon worshipers?" He laughed rhetorically as he nervously fingered his rosary beads.

Several reporters were sent into the field to get the reaction of these starving children, but they were never heard from again as they were attacked by a pack of ravenous toddlers and stripped to the bone in a matter of minutes.

Japanese Man to marry Comic Book Character

A Japanese Man has started a petition in hopes of allowing him to marry a woman he met in a comic book store. The only issue is:

The woman is actually in one of the comic books.

"She GETS me, you know? She's not like those other girls, and when I turn the pages she's there for ME and only me." The man stated in what was surprisingly clear English dialogue with obvious American inflections.

Japan is easily the comic book capital of the world as Manga (The style in which tentacles are drawn reaching DIRECTLY for the hoo-hoo) is a household name and is often described as more popular than both music and television. The marriage however, seems to be on hold - not because it is illegal, silly, or just plain "weird", but because the comic book vixen who holds his heart has reportedly said "No" in all caps with one of those dripping chat bubbles to imply disgust.

"Do you see this chest? This leather strap bodice? This ASS? Do you REALLY think that I'd be saddled with some comic book nerd? As if. Even drawings of girls have standards. Damn. You ain't drawin' a ring on THIS finger, mmmmhmmm." The cartoon woman stated flatly before giving two snaps and a "pissssh".

Woolly Mammoths to be cloned for good reason

When not trying to marry comic books or assaulting each other with tentacles and phallic shaped vegetation, the Japanese have been working on how to successfully clone the long extinct Woolly Mammoth. Working with samples of DNA from this no longer living giant, they estimate that it is only a matter of time before we can breed and bring back this furry beast.

When asked WHY they would want to bring back from extinction a species of animal that died out naturally, and threaten to upset the balance of the world ala Jurassic Park, one source had this to say:

"Burgers man. Burgers. Woolly Mammoths are frigging DELICIOUS. Our ancestors knew it, THEIR ancestors knew it, and that's why we don't HAVE any Woolly Mammoths walking around today. They were just too god damn tasty."

Upon successful cloning and breeding of these hairy monstrosities, Japan is planning to open a chain of "Mammoth Burger" franchises in order to compete in the fast food market with both McDonalds and Burger King.

No word as of yet if they plan on having a form of "Happy Meal" or what the toy will be.

For Coyote Action News, this has been Coyote reporting - and remember.

Boobie pictures don't send themselves. Hint hint.

-Coyote

I hate politics.

But too many of you damned "grown ups" have sent me e-mails and nudgess and messages reminding me to vote. You take your politics seriously, and you want to make sure that everyone's voice is heard.

You guilt me into somehow feeling less American because I don't want to wait three to four hours in line to cast a vote because we FOUGHT for our right to vote. We FOUGHT for independence, and there are millions of people out there who couldn't vote even if they wanted to. (Which they don't, because three to four hours in line  with a bunch of frigging political nuts is enough to drive anyone insane.) You want my opinion, you want me to do the right thing, and because it is my duty as an AMERICAN, you want me to vote.

But only for your guy.

If I'm going to waste my vote on that other jerk, I might as well stay home and watch TV in my underpants, which is what I intended to do before you started bugging me ANYWAY.

No one REALLY wants you to vote. They just want you to vote for *their* candidate.

And THAT is the stark difference.

Oh sure, you might get the odd person who tells you to vote anyway, even if they don't agree with WHO you are voting for...

But they totally don't mean it.

They give you the little "your vote counts even if I don't agree with it" speech, but then they make this face like they just noticed that you have a booger on your lip - a booger that you not only know about, but enjoy having there and occasionally move around with the tip of your tongue - and they eventually walk away in disgust. Because of your opinion, not the booger.

Although it might play a bit more into it than we're admitting.

But I digress.

So in lieu of the video game related column that I had ready to go for today, I instead have decided to go the more political route by discussing the candidates and their running mates to prove that yes, I am an adult.

So with that mucus encrusted prelude, I bring you:

"Who will play McCain, Palin, Obama, and Biden in the made-for-TV movie about the election."

Barack Hussein Obama

You have to add the Hussein part in there when you mention Obama. Why? Because that's the old white folk's way of hinting that EVEN THOUGH he is running for President and EVEN THOUGH he has had a pretty thorough background search including a pen light shoved up his ballot box...

...he still MIGHT be a terrorist.

Might. Hey. We're not saying that he is, we're not saying that he ISN'T. We're just saying "Hussein" a lot and giving you that knowing head nod. This gesture goes a LONG way with old white people. Old white people who remember the good old days when women didn't talk back, black people had their own "special" drinking fountains, and it was okay to smoke because everyone pretty much thought that cigarettes were good for you.

Who will play him:

Will Smith.

Big Willie Style baby. I think that he has the years, the experience, and the acting chops to pull off playing a black guy with big ears.

I bet he even gets an Oscar.

John "Get off my god damn lawn you little bastards, I'm keeping this Frisbee and you're not getting it back you damn hooligans, go ahead and cry you hippy larva, I didn't cry when Charlie had me in a box and poked me with sticks for three years you tree hugging baby who was concieved during a smoke out at a John Denver concert" McCain

You have to say HIS middle name because he's old.

Really old.

Really REALLY old.

And while he might look good now under the lights with a staff of make up artists and image consultants shooing away the circling buzzards, he's not aging well. Of course, when 900 years old YOU reach, look this good YOU will not.

McCain is the "logical" choice for President, and the person most of the people who send me angry e-mails about not voting are backing. He's got the experience, he's got the age and wisdom, and most importantly of all...

He's old and white.

Which seems to be key to being president.

If you look back through time, or more easily - on those rulers that show all the Presidents on the back side - you'll see that MOST of the people who became President look like John McCain. And if you look CLOSER at those pictures, (dating as far back as Washington) you'll actually SEE John McCain in them.

He's also in the background of "The Last Supper" bussing tables as a spry youth, but that's more religious than political so we won't get into it.

Who will play him:

Emperor Palpatine.

They both have weird faces, both are really old, and I'm pretty sure that they've both choked the life out of the innocent in order to prolong their own twisted existence. (Although, I don't honestly remember Palpatine doing this.)

Joe Biden

Joe doesn't get a middle name because no one knows who the hell he is.

In fact, if you had to pick him out of a police line up RIGHT now, you probably couldn't. Hell, I know that I couldn't, because other than smiling smugly at Sarah Palin  for almost crying during the Presidential debates, I don't think I've ever seen him before.

He just isn't memorable.

I'm TRYING to picture him right now, but I'm just getting an image of that dude from Saturday Night Live doing what could be the best or worst impression EVER of him, and I wouldn't know.

Joe Biden is like an assistant to the assistant football coach. He's the back-up place kicker. Sure, he's on the team and he has a Jersey and probably lots of experience (or..not..) but at the end of the night, you end up calling him John instead of Joe.

And he doesn't mind or correct you because "Hey, someone is talking to me!"

Who will play him:

Um...

No clue. Since no one really knows what he looks like, we'll just use any virtually unknown old white guy from the JC Penny's Fall Catalog and no one will know the difference.

Either that, or we can get John McCain. They're both old and white right?

Sarah Jessica Parker Palin

Stop calling her a MILF. Just stop.

Stop winking and hinting and suggesting that she is "hot" or "sexy" or "doable" in any way. Seriously. We get it. She was very attractive when she was young. Yes, she was sexy when she was young. And yes, she didn't have that weird veiny turkey-neck when she was young.

Well guess what?

She isn't young, and gobble gobble.

She's a walking talking bobble head cartoon, and I don't care WHAT party you are affiliated with - you have to see this. Of COURSE she wants to be Vice President, of COURSE she's going to jump at the chance. She's a mean old rich white chick who craves power like a meth head craves drama by pretending to find god so that he can drive up hits and revenue on two sites. (Hehe.)

Hell, *I* want to be Vice President.

That doesn't mean that I'm qualified for the job, (even though I totally am) should be considered for the job, (even though I totally should) or unofficially announcing my candidacy in 2012. (My running mate will be Jessica Alba's ass clad in spandex.)

She's a mean old racist hockey mom from Alaska and that's where she should stay, because SOMEONE has to keep an eye on those pesky Russians.

Who will play her:

Since she's a bobble headed cartoon, I felt it was appropriate to suggest...

...a bobble headed cartoon.

Creeeeeepy isn't it? And weirder still? Her HUSBAND Todd is a PROPANE SALESMAN! (Shut up, you don't know either. He totally could be.)

Still, by the end of the day today TWO of these people have to end up in the White House, and its up to US to pretend that a secret society comprised of alien overlords who control the United States doesn't exist and that our votes actually count.

Now, GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!

Or don't. Seriously. THREE to FOUR hours in line. With retards wearing pins and those crappy wicker hats with political slogans on them. Three to FOUR hours.

WHY can't we do this online yet? Oh yeah. Frigging aliens investing everything in anal probe technology and not budgeting for online voting.

-Coyote

(Oh, and the site was totally up all day today with no down time or issues. It was probably just your computer. Really.)

 

The kids from Gatlin, Nebraska had one.

The Greeks in the town of Joppa had one.

So damn it...I want one too.

As I go about my day, doing the things that I am obligated to do - I watch them, and I hate them. They get in my way, mill about like wide eyed cattle and generally muck up everything and hinder the flow of MY universe because they can't comprehend that "7 items or less" does not mean "stand in line with your full frigging cart ignoring the stink eye that I am giving you".

That's right. I'm talking about PEOPLE.

Not YOU folks of course. Most of you are self aware, and probably hate the same things that I do for nearly the same reasons. I'm talking about all the OTHER people.

The filler. The ones that you'll never meet. The people with the same faces and cars and clothes and dumb blank looks as they merge into your lane WITHOUT using the god damn turn signal only to go a good 30 miles an hour slower.
 
And drawing a realization from the above mentioned sources, I have determined what is wrong with the world, and why we as a society have grown infinitely dumber.

We need a big scary monster to sacrifice people to.

Now before you all go dumping out the kool-aid and calling the ATF to storm my well fortified compound, let me explain:

Big scary monsters that eat people make us stronger as a society.

Think about it.

Man is at the top of the food chain. We are the pinnacle of evolution on this planet, and aside from some dumbasses in India who think that a tiger should know this, (They don't. Tigers officially really don't give a damn. Plus, it doesn't help that you're made completely out of their favorite food - meat.) or the careless surfboarder who has never watched Jaws alone in the dark moments before their mother called them to take a bath - not much eats us.

For the most part, we're not hunted, we're not threatened, and the only thing that truly calls us prey is our fellow man.

And possibly Al Roker.

Because of this, we've grown stupid.

Sheep.

Mindless morons who watch things like "The Rock of Love" and "Reality TV", and who honestly think that a video game can turn a normal, well adjusted person into a mindless killer. We've grown fat, we've grown complacent, and because there is nothing left to keep us dancing on that razor's edge or the adrenaline pumping, we've grown stupid.

We need a Kraken.

Or whatever that thing was that walked behind the rows of corn in "Children of the Corn".

We need one of THOSE. But like, BIGGER.

Not to cull the herd of the old and the weak (although that WOULD be nice) so that the stronger and wiser of the species could survive. That would take WAY too long, and I'm kind of an instant gratification guy.

No. We need a monster to scare the living SHIT out of us. To get the heart pounding, to get the blood flowing, and to put everyone just a little bit on edge.

Once a week the monster should demand a sacrifice - it doesn't care who, and it doesn't have to be a virgin ('cause good lucking finding one of THOSE), but it has to be done. Nothing can kill this monster (Because flying horses aren't real) and nothing can stop it, and if it doesn't get its sacrifice it goes nuts and starts taking out mini-malls. Sure, it would be fun to watch on the News the first few times, but then you'd see an almost miraculous change in society.

People would be nicer.

More self aware.

Or at least more aware of the fact that if they're useless, they get fed to "The Monster (TM)".

Sacrifices to scary demon things are something we no longer do, and because of that everyone feels that they have the right to get in my way and annoy me - when they obviously don't. If you are going the speed limit, get out of the "fast" lane. Yes, I know that "all lanes have the same speed restriction" but it is a well known fact that the LEFT lane is for people who speed. And if you thought for a second that your little self appointed role of "cork" in the bottle neck of traffic in order to stop people from breaking the law would get you even NEAR "The List" for the monster?

Your ass would be WELL over in the right lane where it belonged.

Hell. You'd probably be driving on the shoulder.

Man needs a predator. Something that we can't stop, control, or reason with. Something that just wants to eat dumbasses and maybe play Xbox from the recesses of its bone and gore strewn cave. Something real, something scary looking, and something tangible that we can see to keep us together as a pack in order to weed out the dumbasses that annoy ME.

Because it is all about me.

Okay. Screw you guys. *I* need a Kraken. And a list.

-Coyote

(The new Avast Ye is up!! Go read it and make us famous or seriously - you're on THE LIST. And if you like comics and gaming cartoons, go give love to Brasse over at TheBrasse.com . She had to go on a game tour with me...and well... yeah. She had to put up with ME. Give her some sympathy.)

Happy Halloween!!!

After mentioning on the blolumn that I was going to be explaining the "true" origins of Halloween today, I started getting a buttload of questions asking exactly WHAT it was that I was going to explain.

Because when I start spreading the truth, RadarX gets a wee bit nervous.

He feels that there is no way that I can make it through an entire column without mentioning Jesus or Hitler or something like that. Well, luckily for him I have all of you to help me, because you asked me some of the most retarded questions possible about the TRUE origins of Halloween.

And me, being me....

I answered them. And then I ran off to save Sarah Conner.

"Uncle Terminator Coyote's Bulging Sack...of Halloween Mail"

"Why do we say "Trick or Treat"?"

Because if you don't give us candy, (treat) we're going to burn down your house and huck the apples that your cheap ass neighbor gave us at your still steaming corpse. (Trick)

Trick or Treat doesn't really mean "Trick or Treat" anymore. In fact, it pretty much just means "Give us some free frigging candy and make it quick Grandpa because we have about thirty other houses on this block to hit". Sure, there is the implied threat of a "trick" if we don't get some candy, but the truth of the matter is - That trick isn't coming.

Tricks take time, energy, and creativity.

And that takes away from us going to the next house and getting candy before they run out. The odds are played, the treat is rarely (if ever) denied, and the only ones playing tricks are the surly groups of teenagers who are at the age where they are "too cool" to beg for candy so they walk around and huck eggs at everyone having more fun then them.

But it didn't always used to be like this.

Oh no. Oh NO no no.

You see, at the turn of the 20th century, Halloween was JUST getting big. Brought over by the boatloads of Irish immigrants, Halloween got to the point where it was a drunken riot in the streets every year, and you were basically mugged at your door for treats by groups of tipsy gingers looking for free stuff. They would say "trick or treat" as a warning.

Give us a treat, or you'll get a trick.

The problem was, they were a bunch of drunken Irish immigrants, so the only "trick" they knew was to punch you in the face, which was probably going to happen either way - whether they got a treat or not.

"What do the families who don't believe in Halloween do today?"

They cower in their attics like Anne Frank and try not to piss off Jesus.

Which is just silly because if Jesus were alive today, there is no WAY that he'd be against a holiday in which you got things like candy apples and Reese’s Big Cups.

It is Reese’s Cup, but BIGGER. Like WAY bigger. And I don't care WHO you are, or what your story is. Your mother could be shot in the face in front of you by a gang of puppy kicking baby killers, and if someone gave you a Reese’s Peanut butter Cup, you'd be just a little bit happier.

You can't be sad and eat a Reese’s Peanut butter Cup. It is a proven scientific fact, which is why you'll never see a Goth kid eating one. They'd take one bite, cheer up and then poof themselves out of existence because even more than Halloween, Jesus hates a paradox.

The truth of the matter is, these people are wearing their underwear a couple of sizes too small, and they're starting to ride up. They think that because THEY are ultra religious that EVERYONE is ultra religious and that Halloween still has the same meaning it did hundreds of years ago, when it reality...

...it doesn't.

It is no longer about the crops and a bountiful year, and honoring the dead and respecting the spirits of those who have passed - not even A LITTLE BIT. It is about chicks dressing in skimpy hooker outfits and Reese’s Big Cups.

And you know what?

I'm okay with that. And I'll bet that Jesus is too.

"Why is Halloween sometimes called the Celtic New Year?"

Because the Pagans have it right.

You see, Pagans see the seasons as a timeless, never ending circle. The year dies at the end of autumn, but is instantly reborn, gestating during winter like a child in its mother's womb, only to be born again in the spring. It then grows over the next few months, and rebels by getting a lip ring before running off with a stripper he met on spring break in Vegas.

The rest of you tards see winter as a time of death. A "pause" in the cycle of life where nothing grows, everything dies, and it is completely bleak and miserable. And right in the middle of this dry spell of depression and death, right at the END of December in the HEART of winter you decide that the year has ended.

Which is just stupid, because who celebrates a new year in the MIDDLE of a season? What, Christmas not a big enough Holiday for you that you have to have ANOTHER party a few days later?

Pretty soon Christmas and New Years are going to just be merged into one all encompassing Holiday (Merry Newmas Year!) and celebrated together in that lame way people do when they have two kids whose birthdays are close together, but neither kid is special enough or loved enough to warrant his own party.

Of course, the people who control the calendar outnumber the Pagans about a ZILLION to one, and since most of the Pagans are dirty stoner hippy vegans, they're out back getting baked whenever the discussion of moving the New Year to the right date comes up. So instead we're forced to realize the day on its true date, (Today) but celebrate it when Jesus tells us to because pagans are all a bunch of hemp wearing bong puffers.

Frigging pot heads. Ruin everything why don't you.

"Is it true that we wear costumes to scare away ghosts and monsters on Halloween?"

Yes.

Because a hell tortured fallen angel getting his one night a year to escape the nightmares of eternal torment is going to be scared shitless of you and your god damn Batman costume.

You frigging retard.

Nothing scares a ghost more than some fat kid in a Power Rangers costume karate chopping stop signs and dropping his glow stick because his sweaty little hands are greased with chocolate and fat kid juice.

No. You don't wear a costume in order to "scare away" ghosts and the like. You wear a costume for one reason and one reason only...

So that slutty chicks will be inspired to wear slutty chick costumes.

Okay, the truth of the matter is - the tradition of the All Hallow's Eve costume does have something to do with ghosts. It was/is believed that on this night the veil between our world and the spirit realm is incredibly thin and that all sorts of nasties can slip into our world in order to kill us in our sleep because Mrs. Coyote left the closet door open AGAIN.

So we don costumes and parade around in groups - not to scare away demons or ghosts, but to confuse them, disorient them, hide from them, and give ourselves a bit of time to slip away so that they eat the fat kid fumbling for his chemical night light. We're not hoping or even attempting to scare them away, we're just trying to confuse them long enough to get away so that they suck someone ELSE into the television set.

"What about the Great Pumpkin?"

What about him? The Great Pumpkin can kiss my pasty white ass. Nobody REALLY likes the Charlie Brown cartoons.

Nobody.

"But Coyote, I used to watch them when I was a kid and I LOVED them!"

No you frigging didn't.

You're just remembering your childhood wrong. You see, back when WE were kids we didn't HAVE things like "cartoon network" and "cartoons on demand". The only time that you ever got to watch cartoons was during the holidays or on a Saturday morning - *IF* you beat your sister to the television. If you didn't you were screwed because she was a dumb GIRL and liked stupid ass girl cartoons like "Monchhichis".

What the F*** is a Monchhichi? It looks like a monkey with Downs Syndrome, and it goes on cute adventures that end in hugs and stupid little Monchhichi giggles. Monchhichis never shot laser rifles or blew shit up and because of THAT we hated them with a passion.

That and they had the world's most annoying theme song that to THIS DAY is embedded deep in the recesses of my brain.

"Monchhichis Monchhichi, oh so soft and cuddly."

F*** you Monchhichi. You go to hell. You go to hell and YOU DIE.

...

....

.....sorry.

The point is, you didn't LIKE Charlie Brown cartoons - but they were cartoons, which were rare, and as a kid you were genetically programmed to crave them, so you watched them every chance you got. You didn't give a damn about Linus and his spit/breath smelling blanket, or the fact that Marcy was an obvious lesbian, you just watched it because it was a cartoon and you HAD to.

Charlie Brown cartoons were full of Biblical passages and preachy speeches by Linus who pretended not to notice Peppermint Patty wearing flannel and buying tickets to Lillith Faire. They were never "funny", never entertaining, and the only COOL kid on the whole goddamn cartoon was Pig Pen.

Because he was frigging DIRTY.

The Great Pumpkin was a lame ass story created by Charles Schultz in order to distract people from remembering the fact that he was a Nazi war criminal and Hitler's right hand man. If you're saying that you like the Great Pumpkin, then you're saying that you like Hitler.

Is that the message you want to send? Is it?

I didn't think so.

Now get out there and git me some CANDY. Happy Halloween you bastards...

-Coyote

I love Halloween.

It is easily my favorite holiday, and because of that - I take pride in my costumes.

Even if I'm doing something less-than-original like "Zombie" or "Vampire", I manage to put a unique twist on it, and end up with a pretty snazzy frigging costume. I plan for months in advance, try to have everything perfect, and try my best NOT to have some crappy last minute costume that ruins the day for everyone else.

Oh how I wish you bastards would do the same.

SO, in effort to avoid me going to jail because I beat someone to death with a pillowcase full of "Fun Size" Snickers, I'm going to help you, the reader, by giving you five costume ideas NOT to use this year. Five costumes that need to be forgotten, retired, and never EVER used again.

We'll start small and obvious and work our way up. Radar's head explodes much nicer that way.

"Uncle Coyote's Five Most Hated Costumes That Need To Be Retired"

The Box Robot

You got some old boxes, covered them in tinfoil and made a robot costume!

Look everyone, it is the CRAP-O-TRON 2000!

What kinda cheesy low grade substandard government robot are YOU supposed to be? Covered in tinfoil like a giant retarded square baked potato. Oh, you have a control panel on your chest? Which one of those "poorly drawn on with a sharpie marker" buttons is your self destruct key?

I'll put you out of your frigging misery.

Robots don't have a million wrinkles in their skin, they're not all square and blocky, (Not even the cheesy 1950's ones) and they don't wear Nike high tops you spastic frigging nard monkey. You aren't showing us a cool robot from the future, you're showing us that you have no imagination and enough money for a jumbo roll of tinfoil.

Whenever I see this costume, I pray for rain. I absolutely PRAY for rain. Huge frigging clouds of it that soak you in your skin, sog up your cardboard and contract your costume around you like crumpled tin can causing you millions of tiny little aluminum foil cuts.

And then maybe lightning strikes your mushy, pathetic form. And then you get cancer. In the ass. Ass cancer.

Batman

I know, I know...

"But Coyote, Batman is COOL!"

Yes. Yes he is.

Batman is in fact, awesome.

He is the justice dealing vigilante of the night who strikes fear in the hearts of evil-doers everywhere. He is dark and mysterious, a symbol of hope against the darkest sky, and he kicks ass in the most pure and good sense of the phrase.

Batman is wicked frigging awesome. This guy however, is not.

Bruce Wayne is a billionaire playboy, not a fat guy in a cheap suit who goes around begging for candy and hitting on drunk chicks. Batman doesn't want your candy, he wants your crimes brought to light so that he can stick his Batfoot up your Batass and wear your Batcolon like a Batankle Bracelet.

Wearing this costume is like stepping in the ring with Mike Tyson and making fun of his voice. Sure, he's a joke and a moron and more than a bit retarded, but he is STILL Mike-Frigging-Tyson and he can STILL rip off your arms and use them to beat your family to death.

It is the same with Batman.

Do you know what he'll do if he SEES you wearing his costume and begging for a fun-sized snickers? Do you have any clue how BADLY he hates to be copied? You'd be better off wearing a suit made out of bacon and rolling around in the Pit-Bull pen of your local animal shelter.

Batman is F***ING CRAZY.

"But Coyote, Batman isn't real. He's a fictional character!"

Really? Is that a chance that you are willing to take? Because I'm not. Behind every lie there is a seed of truth, so that means behind the "character" Batman, there is a REAL Batman somewhere out there who *I* don't want to piss off.

Plus? Dude. EVERYONE is dressing like Batman this year. Buy a vowel and see if they'll throw in some originality. Yeeesh.

Oh. And he likes young boys. So ya know. If you're wearing a Batman costume, you might as well get a black van and some burlap sacks and duct tape.

You frigging kid toucher.

Pregnant Nun

AHAHAHHAA Get it? Get it?! I'm a NUN, but I'm PREGNANT! GET IT?! HAHAHA! PREGNANT NUN!!

Oh we get it alright.

You're an unoriginal dumbass who is trying to be creative and edgy but lack the imagination to pull it off so you go for "shocking" in hopes of being the life of the party, but fail miserably because about 900 BILLION other people "come up with" this costume.

That about sum it up dumbass?

Look, the Pregnant Nun thing was funny once, and that was the time that the FIRST person dressed as it. After that, it just became stupid. No one cares about pregnant Nuns, and if you are a huge fat ass trying to pull off this clever little costume, we CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT YOU WERE GOING FOR.

"What is with the fat ass penguin?"

"What is she supposed to be, a bloated mime?"

I hate this costume with a passion, mainly because of the satisfied "look, I'm oh-so-clever" expression the wanna-be Sister Mary Elephant usually wears after donning this bad habit. (ha!) No one is impressed, no one is shocked, and aside from like some 96 year old church going crypt keeper...

...no one even knows what a Nun is because the church doesn't even HAVE them anymore.

They went extinct 80 years ago for a reason. Lets leave them (and this costume) in the past where they belong.

Feminine Hygiene Product Man

...

....look. I'm only going to say this once, and it isn't open for discussion:

You're making EVERYONE uncomfortable.

There is a reason why women hide these things in their purse, and a reason that men feel their heart stop in their chest when a woman asks them to grab something like gum or keys OUT of said purse. Because we know that these things are in there.

Lurking.

Waiting.

WE don't want to see them, and they sure as hell don't want us to see them, so why would you dress up like you are about to go spelunking in Godzilla's no-no-place? You aren't being funny or clever in the least, and gushing about how you had the brainstorm to "add ketchup" doesn't win us over.

We might smile politely or give you a thumbs up whenever you trot by acting like the life of the party when in fact you are the obnoxious douche bag that is obnoxious or douche baggy enough to WEAR this costume - but as soon as you run by in hopes of chasing down another chick who hasn't seen your costume and "surprising" her? We're all talking about what a gigantic douche bag you are.

Which is kinda funny because that's a feminine hygiene product too.

You aren't coming across as cool, and you aren't coming across as edgy. You are weirding everyone out, and we stand around the rest of the night discussing your frame of mind in a Freudian way.

Just stop. Please.

Guys Dressing as Chicks

You're a GUY who is dressing in women's clothing for attention.

Soooo....how much of this is a COSTUME and how much is really a cry for understanding and acceptance? Testing the waters are we? Walking a bit too comfortably in those six inch pumps, aren't we? Guys, you get ONE free pass with this costume. THAT IS IT. ONE free pass, and ONLY if you dress like the guys in the Bud Light commercials who dressed like chicks for free beer.

If you look like a man who is TRYING to look like a woman, but failing horribly because you still have a 5 o'clock shadow and a mustache thick enough to make Magnum P.I. proud - you can wear this costume ONCE. Sure, you'll still get ragged by your buddies and jokes about your sexuality will be made, but it'll be laughing WITH you, not at you. Bust out this little costume next year, and it ceases to be funny in the least - as all of us will remember that not only did you dress like a chick the year before, but wasn't it a different outfit, so it isn't the same costume?

NOW....

If you dress as a woman for the first time, shave smooth, wear REAL makeup, shave your legs, wear a sexy dress and look like an actual passable-in-the-night woman for Halloween.

No one is going to laugh.

Oh sure, the women you're hanging around with are laughing and teasing and enjoying it - but look at your buddies. See that hesitation in their eyes? See that confused look? See that hint of terror? It is because we realize something that you may not...

That you are REALLY enjoying this.

So do us all a favor and leave the dressing as a woman where it belongs - at home, in your basement as you yell things to the chick in the pain pit who won't rub the lotion on her skin. We'll keep our respect for you without judging you for showing us a glimpse into your "real" life, and you'll do the world a favor by not mucking up my favorite holiday with yet another crappy costume.

Bastards.

-Coyote
 

Halloween is upon us once again...

...and once again I find myself ready to skim my 15% "Daddy's Fee" off of the top of my kid's loot bag.

It is the only way that I get candy.

I'm too big and too old to trick or treat, I feel horrible begging for candy from strangers, and if I can get a modest amount of sweet treats by strong arming my children - then why in the hell would *I* do the real work?

I am the candy pimp.

The PROBLEM with being the candy pimp however is that some of you are STILL giving crappy candy, even after my many articles on what candy sucks and what not to give on Halloween. So here we are once again, less than 4 days from candy fest, with me adding even more crap to the list.

Add this to last year's and the year before, and MAYBE you won't find your house TP'd and flaming poo'd this Halloween.

Uncle Coyote's Additions to Candy that will get your ass kicked

Bit O'Honey

Let us start by mentioning actual candy.

Not that you can call Bit O'Honey actual candy. It is like chewing on almost-set cement paste, but without the flavor. And if you actually do manage to hornk one of these little death sticks down, they stay stuck in your teeth for YEARS to come.

Which is why they call them "Bit O'Honey".

"Dude..what the F*** is stuck in your teeth? Have you been chewing through mouthfuls of sawdust? Jesus CHRIST, floss once in a while you frigging dental nightmare."

Of course we start with "Bit O'Honey" because it is the least offensive thing found on this list, and whenever I get to bagging on this ass-tastic candy someone inevitably sticks up for it. I like to call these people "old". They remember Bit O'Honey from like the 50's when the only candy you could get was made with chewing tobacco and scraps of paper from shredded women's rights pamphlets. Because it does have a bit of sugar to it, kids flocked to it and formed a fond childhood memory.

Which is just a frigging lie, because if they were to eat one now they'd hate it. They'd pull the little lifeless blob of yuck out of their mouth, look at it in confusion as reality fights with memory, and then they'd examine it closely to see if they did indeed remove the wax paper that surrounds it.

You did. That nastiness you taste is called THE TRUTH.

Bit O'Honey is a Bit O'Nasty.

Three pieces of candy corn wrapped in cellophane

Oh you cheap son of a bitch.

A huge bag of Candy Corn costs what? 99 cents at the pharmacy? You then proceed to open it, finger up all the candy with your old people hands and wrap like three of them in a piece of saran wrap?

Wow, thanks for the Christmas Bonus Ebenezer - I'll be sure not to eat it all at once.

I'll savor each and every piece because there is NOTHING I like more than eating Candy Corn that has been handled by some old dude who smells like a used nicotine patch who probably hasn't washed his hands since the Truman administration. No, no, I'm sure your hygiene skills are impeccable, and the fact that you coughed up both lungs and a kidney in a glob of slime covered STILL PULSING organs on the way to the door doesn't bother me in the least.

Oh what's this? A fuzzy twist tie to close it? How festive! How cute! Wait..oh..nevermind, it is just a clump of frigging cat hair from one of your nine thousand felines that give your house that pleasant "I live in a bottle of ammonia" scent.

I have a gift for you, to reward you for your generosity on this most joyous of days! And as soon as I pull up my pants and ignite the bag, it's all yours you miserly old bastard.

McDonalds certificate for small fries

 

Now don't get me wrong - I like me some McDonalds French Fries. But there is a time and place for such gifts, and Halloween isn't one of them. Kids want instant gratification when they open up their sack of loot - not I.O.U.'s. And besides, going to McDonalds for SMALL fries is like going to a crack house and asking to sniff the pipe.

It is a tease and nothing more.

No one wants SMALL fries. You get like what, four in a bag? And they aren't even the GOOD fries, all tall and lean and hot and tasty. They're the retarded little fry nubs that usually end up in the bottom of a REAL fry container - which you don't get because you got the SMALL fries. Instead you get that "Wax paper hat" bag that is about as shallow as a shot glass and holds maybe nine of the smallest, most miserable looking French fries that you've ever seen.

Getting a small bag of fries is like buying a puppy and only getting it's feet.

Don't be mean to puppies.

Raisins

Dried grapes. Yay. I'm bursting with excitement.

Who the HELL gives raisins on Halloween? Are you TRYING to get your house T.P'd? Do you WANT a shopping bag full of flaming poo like the old dude with the Candy Corn earns? Raisins, unless covered in chocolate and turned magically into a "raisinet" ARE GROSS. I mean look at them.

If there was a dead windowsill fly in there, how would you even begin to tell? Raisins have a natural defense mechanism that makes them look like dead flies, and anything that looks like it might throw up on your food, or take a long and happy rest on a pile of poo.

Not food.

If I want raisins, I'll get a box of Raisin Bran, or maybe an oatmeal raisin cookie - but I simply refuse to sit down and dig into a box of bunny turds and happily munch away. If you give a box of raisins on a day dedicated to candy and sexy slut costumes you should be shot in the face.

And then forced to eat raisins off of a dusty windowsill, just so you see my point.

Too many things have poo that look like raisins. I just don't trust them, and more importantly, I don't trust YOU.

A candy cane taped to a Christian flyer.

Okay.

I'm HAPPY you found Jesus. I really REALLY am. True faith is a rare and amazing thing, and if you have it you are a very lucky and honestly blessed person. You have achieved something that few people have and have an understanding of yourself that is impossible to describe.

But keep YOUR frigging bible out of MY frigging candy.

It TAINTS it.

Halloween isn't about Jesus and faith and loving thy neighbor - it is about gorging yourself on candy, grossing out your friends and telling flashlight faced stories about hitchhikers with hook hands. I'm respectful enough not to show up at your church wearing my devil costume and swinging a red plastic pitchfork, so you return the god damn favor by keeping your plus-sign adorning hippy out of my candy bag.

Oh. And GUESS WHAT? Candy Canes are for Christmas - and since the stores won't put out Christmas candy for another couple of weeks, that means you are giving me YEAR OLD CANDY CANES. The kind that don't snap, but kinda bend and get stuck in your teeth.

Kinda wrecks your little message about treats with Jesus doesn't it? What are you telling the kids? That if you find faith you get crappy candy? Tape one of those king sized Hershey Bars or some Reese’s BIG CUPS to that stupid little flyer and MAYBE you'll add a couple kids to your flock.

Instead of having me go through the neighborhood and finding every devil and pregnant nun clad costumer and having them show up en masse to your house to sing Halloween carols. (Namely: War Pigs by Black Sabbath)

I shouldn't have to warn you bastards, especially after years of saying the similar. You should have learned by now and you should know what is expected of you.

Do the right thing. Give good candy.

Or else.

Seriously.

Or else.

-Coyote

As you all know, video game to movie translations never translate well at all.

It's like using Babelfish. You might type in:

"Excuse me, where is the bathroom?"

But what it gives you translates to:

"Excuse you me please, I need to poo on a happy hobo yes?"

They never work out, and they ALWAYS seem to fail miserably. So it is to my utter shock and amazement that Max Payne...is no different.

It absolutely sucks.

Plot: I'm not sure.

Okay, I'm PRETTY sure that *I* know the plot - because I've played the Max Payne video games. But to someone who has never seen or played the games, I'm positive that the storyline was harder to follow than one of those "Billy Paths" drawn by Michael J. Fox...

I know.

I'm going to hell.

But you're all coming with me.

Plot: (Take II)

Max Payne is a cop with a past. (Which is stupid to say because everyone has a past. That's how time works. Duh.) His wife and baby were killed in a break-in and one of the murderers was never found or captured. Back on the job, he takes on unsolved crimes in hopes of one day finding his wife's killer and bringing him to justice. It consumes him and casts a dark shadow over his life that contorts his face into a mask of anger and sorrow.

Either that, or he just has to poop *really* hard.

WOW. Are WE ever burning on a Monday.

Max Payne won't rest until he's brought his family's murderer to justice, even though he  has alienated all of his friends and fellow police officers with his obsession.

Summary: Marky Mark runs around talking in Christian Bayle's Batman voice and looking like he's either going to punch you in the face or excuse himself to the restroom. Throwing in some badly butchered and explained Norse mythology, angsty dialogue and suspiciously clean New York City snow, the movie takes you on an endless journey through the darkness of one man's life.

Or at least it FEELS endless because the movie just drags on.

They did nothing to capture the true darkness of the character or the video game. And while I do realize that switching from game to movie is anything but an "easy" transition, they altered both the plot and the character too much. I'm not a purest in the sense that I wanted it to be like watching the game, but when you change the protagonist's personality, the journey doesn't make as much sense as it should.

In the video game, Max Payne was DARK.

He had lost it all, and had nothing more to live for. In his mind he was already dead, and in his journey to meet death, he was going to take out anyone who had anything to do with his family's brutal murder. He used drugs to remain focused, stay alive long enough to finish his quest, and was a heavy drinking crack head. He wasn't just addicted, he was constantly using drugs in order to live.

He became what he hated the most in order to get close enough to what he hated in order to kill it. In the end if he lived or died it didn't matter, as long as he achieved his goal. You couldn't feel sorry for him because he didn't feel sorry for himself. He chose a path and he barreled down it like an elderly driver through a shopping mall.

But the Max Payne of Hollywood land?

You just wanted to smack him, invent a time machine, go back to his "Funky Bunch" days and tell him to PULL UP HIS GOD DAMN PANTS.

Hollywood cleaned him up too much. He wasn't using drugs or doing illegal things in order to get closer to the villains - HE was the victim. If he was associated to the bad guys it was an accident and if he was perceived as the bad guy, it was a frame job.

His eyes often filled with tears upon remembering his family, he was clean and sober, and when he finally DOES use drugs in the film, it isn't to dull the pain or survive...

...it is so that he can become He-Man and kick the snot out of the bad guy.

Conclusion and Rating: It sucked.

Had I not played the games, I couldn't imagine how I could follow the plot. It jumped from cliché to cliché in a whirlwind of cut scenes and broody looks. Trying too hard to be "dark" it comes across as a Sin City wannabe that fails miserably at capturing any true darkness of either genre or character.

Plus, in a movie, the name Max Payne is just silly.

During a scene in the film, he is told that he only causes suffering and sorrow to everyone he knows, to which I thought:

"DUDE. His name is MAX PAYNE. What in the HELL did you expect? His name is MAX FRIGGING PAYNE. Guys with names like that don't give you bunnies and balloon animals."

Rating: (D-) Two paws down, and I'm going to go huck my copies of the game into the garbage.

If you liked the games, don't see the movie.

If you never played the games....

...don't see the movie.

Unless you have a Marky Mark constipation fetish. Then yer gunna LOVE it.

-Coyote

(Monday Pimpings: AVAST YE is up and ready with the newest comic! C'mon, go and read and make us famous so that someone will make a crappy movie based on it!)

By Mrs. Coyote
Hi kiddies!
Coyote is out of town on business today and was whining about not having the time to write his BLOG, so I said that if he helped with the pictures and spacing and stuff, I would write it for him instead of him posting a nothing day.

So now that he is gone let me just say that you have NO idea what I go through.
For those of you who don't have to live with a dork, I am totally jealous. You probably have a normal man who does normal man things that don't involve stupid little dolls that he makes you call action figures. And OH MY GOD if you don't remember the stupid little doll's name, or you say that it is cute or call it a toy or let the kids play with them, it is like you killed a puppy or something.
Everyday it is the same stupid conversations about superheroes and zombies and all the other stuff that I don't care about that makes him roll his eyes because he really thinks that zombies are coming to get him.
I am SUCH a good wife.
I told him that I wanted to do a mailbag thing to answer all of the questions that I get and he said okay, but he promised not to read it until he gets back from his trip. So here goes.
Mrs. Coyote's much better mail bag than Coyote's stupid mail bag
Is he really that big of a dork?
He has a little claw guy X-men toothbrush. He's going to kill me for saying this, but yes. He really is that big of a dork. Bigger even.
He reads comic books, spends hours in the toy section of Target whenever we shop, collects Buffy the Vampire Girl toys and movies and has a man crush Seth Green. But that's okay because so do I.
He is SO cute. Just a little guy. You could put him in your pocket for later.
Oh and since Coyote always puts up pictures of boobies about here, I got something for the LADIES.

Are you a geek?
No.
I hate it when he calls me a mortal or a muggle or a normal though. Grrr. Just because I don't spend hours making my little car robot men fight doesn't make me less cool. It makes me MORE cool!!!
Coyote and I are complete opposites. I like Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac and pretty music and he likes stupid loud stuff where people scream. He is all pierced and tattooed and I don't have any because I'm scared of needles. OH MY GOD we went for tattoos once and I saw the needle and that was it. No ink for me.
I like sweaters and puppies and cross stitch and flowers and pretty things and he cuts himself in the bathroom and cries about no one understanding him. I am the sunshine to his little black rain cloud.
Oh and I don't do computers, ever, at all. Or video games, unless it is Mario Cart. But Coyote can't play with me because he cheats.
Does all of the stuff that he says happens really happen?
He totally screams like a girl.
Like when that HUGE eagle thing was on the back porch eating that cute little bird? I really did lock him outside because I didn't want it getting into the house. He turned around all mad and told me to open the door, but no way Jose. Not until the eagle was gone.
Some of the stories he bends a little bit to make funnier or to make less funny because I won't let him tell you the truth about something I did but it all happens. He doesn't lie he just tells the story better than most people.
Plus he has tight little buns that you just want to bite. bitebitebitebite
Why don't you have your own blog?
I don't have anything to say.
Plus this is a lot harder than it looks. I've been writing this for like two hours now and I barely have anything where he would have like a whole book. Maybe I can make it look bigger by putting up more hottie pics! I would totally do Mario Lopez.

Besides this is like real work. He can have it. It is just easier to mock him and the stuff that he writes than it is to write my own. I don't know how he does this. He can write like a million words in a minute. Its annoying and we hate him.
How do you live with him?
Boy oh boy. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me this, or how I put up with him, or why I married him or why I'm with him I would be RICHIE RICH! I get asked this question A LOT!
The truth is, I ignore him.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
J/K
He is really sweet. He won't tell anyone but he loves puppies and kittens and cute stuff too and he loves to watch the laughing babies on YouTube. He might be kind of weird and a HUGE HUGE HUGE HUUUUGGGGEEE dork but he is really sensitive and writes stuff that you guys don't see like poems and poetry and stories for me.
He is romantic and sweet and kind and gentle and has a big hoo-dee-hoo.
Okay. This is just stupid and is taking forever and I have stuff to do.
TTFN
XX000XX00
Hugs and kisses and gropes.
Mrs. Coyote