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Star Wars Galaxies is a controversial game.

Not because of content or because of the normal things that would make a game controversial in this day and age, (Namely: Violence, sex, musical passages from a religious book, or an alien cat chick with huge alien cat chick boobs.)

- but because of what is known as the "NGE". The NGE or "New Game Enhancement" was introduced to Star Wars Galaxies well after the online game had already been established, and changed the game and its play dramatically. And when THAT happened, 99.9% of the Star Wars fans out there...

...lost their god damn MINDS.

It wasn't that the change was bad, or good, or even needed or not. It was the fact that they massively changed an already established game, and a lot of the people who were playing since launch logged in to find themselves no longer playing the game that they already loved. It was a different game, a shade of its original form, and it broke one of the primary laws of geekdom.

"Change is BAD."

Which is why so many 30-something geeks still live at home, have never kissed a girl, and refuse to watch anything new lest it change their visions of the old. Why would they watch the NEW Battle Star Galactica when the OLD one was the best EVER? So when Lucas Arts announced that it will be launching a NEW Star Wars Online game, it was met with mixed reactions.

Some cried out in joy at the chance to "Start over", some grumbled angrily and waved their plastic lightsaber wielding fists at the Padawans on their lawn, and others screamed about the NGE, how it ruined Star Wars and refused to let it go. Ever.

The new Star Wars game however, is already treading on thin ice and it isn't even RELEASED yet. The new game, Star Wars: The Old Republic takes place 3,600 years before Luke Skywalker was even a power converter whining twinkle in his mother's senate ruling eye.

So why do I consider this "thin ice"?

How about "The nobody who has ever had SEX will care" factor?

We're a culture of unimaginative automatons who latch onto the teat of the familiar and refuse to ever let it go. Setting the new Star Wars game 3,600 years in the past robs the average player of all of the things that they found familiar about the genre, and takes away their chances to become part of it. A genre set in its past might be appealing to the die hard Star Wars fans who can tell you the name of Darth Vader's grandfather, or what Han Solo named his kids with Leia, but to the rest of the world who doesn't care past what the movies have shown them...

It means that they can't run into C3P0. It means that they'll never be able to jump aboard the Aluminum Falcon, (What? What? What in the hell is an Aluminum Falcon!?!) that they'll never be able to save the galaxy from the asthma suffering death cough of Darth Vader, and that they'll never be able to follow in the footsteps of Luke Skywalker.

It ALSO means, that everyone and their non-creative semi-retarded brother will be making "ancestor" characters in game because they think that they are clever.

"I'm the great-great-great, add about 50 more greats, grand father of DARTH VADER! Eh? Eh? You impressed now? Eh? Pretty clever eh? Without ME, Darth Vader would have never been born!"

Really? Since we're seeing 3,600 years into the future and bragging, I'm the great-ancestor of a little boy who lived on Alderaan. Thanks for indirectly blowing up my future grandkid as he played with a toy landspeeder in his sandbox.

You dick.

While hardcore, or even medium-core fans of Star Wars might be interested to once again wield a lightsaber, (Even if it IS the 3,600 year younger predecessor that occasionally melted off fingers because it was new technology) the lure for the average "Hey, I have a sex life" player just isn't there.

Still, with the ass pain from the NGE refusing to ever heal, and the Star Wars genre stronger and more profitable than ever, I could be completely wrong and this game could take over the online universe. Until they patch in the great-great-great, add about 50 more greats, grandfather to the NGE...

...then there will be hell to pay.

-Coyote

Bringing you the top gaming stories with no bias from or hinderance by the truth - it's once again time for COYOTE ACTION NEWS...

Our top stories this hour...

"Rockband" Planning a Country Music Themed Game

For all of you cyber musicians out there, Harmonix insider HMXHenry has let slip that a country themed version of the popular "virtual band" game Rock Band, isn't off the table.

"We'll have Country in RB sooner or later." He stated before adding off the record (unverified): "As soon as we figure out how mount a PS3 in a f***ing pickup truck."

While the genre dominates a large share of the music industry, it's listeners have been noted to be, as one city slicker stated, "Less than Tech-Savvy". This comment was made in reflection to the 1990 release of the Super Nintendo and the immediate discovery that its cartridges were roughly the size of 8-track cassettes.

Nintendo reported for that year both increased sales, and increased lawsuits for mistakenly inserted copies of "Big Bubba's Sister Wooin' Ho-down" that damaged both the system and the recorded media.

"Most of these things were coming in full of waffles, bread, or buckshot. They had no clue what they were! Jesus...I'd hate to see what they'd do to an Xbox." A repair technician for a large gaming company admitted reluctantly.

But rest assured, if there is money to be made by beating this genre to death and adding in blue jeans and cowboy boots, it'll be done. Money is money, even if it is covered in grease, manure and chewing tobacco spit.

Sony yanks Little Big Planet for Little Koran Reference

The release of the much anticipated Sony title "Little Big Planet" was snatched out of the grasping hands of game players moments after release in what is being estimated as "The biggest frigging recall ever, dude."

While the game runs well and has no technical issues, it seems that some of the background music selected to add to the emersion contained references to the Qu'ran. In effort to avoid public backlash from the Muslim community, all copies of the game were recalled and the offending passages are being removed because they may offend "some" members of the Muslim community.

Which has inadvertently upset some members of the Muslim community who feel that pulling the song from the final copy of the title is offensive.

When asked why the song, whose lyrics went largely missed by most of the gaming community was removed, a gaming insider had this to say:

"Duuuude. Remember when that cartoonist drew a picture of Admiral Allah Akbar or whatever?  They lost their frigging MINDS. We were just trying to be sensitive and junk."

Indeed, music in a video game that may or may not offend some members of some religion, some where, should definitely be removed lest those people might possibly be offended. Unless of course removing the music is offensive too.

Then you should have known better.

New E3 Sucks, So New NEW E3 Schedule For Future

The once Wonka-like in wonder and mystery "E3" event was drastically changed in order to focus on the more serious aspects of the gaming world. Immediately after these changes it was discovered that the new "revamped" version of E3, sucked "major dong".

"I just don't get it. We removed all of the costumes, half naked women, wild parties and zany antics and focused on all of the programming and technology. And then people stopped coming? Were did we go wrong? I mean we got RID of the booth babes." Industry Insider Noah Fuginclue bemoans as he shakes his head and wonders exactly how the biggest gaming show in the world completely FLOPPED.

"We had like three old guys and a wino show up, and two of the geezers died before they even made it all the way inside." He sighed as he sobbed quietly into a mostly empty bottle of whiskey and put the entire barrel of the .45 into his mouth.

With the moral high road and serious focus of E3 failing to draw any interest past hundred of thousands of websites dedicated to pointing out how badly it now sucks, the event holders have found a new tactic:

They're going to try to make it fun.

"It might sound crazy, but we're going to try to put back all of the things that we took out that made it suck." A representative for the New NEW E3 explains excitedly as he steps over the corpse of the late Noah Fuginclue.

Later adding to stir more interest: "Oh, and free pot! Lots and lots of free pot!"

Holland Teens arrested for in-game theft of items

Two Amsterdam teenagers were arrested, convicted of theft and given a combined total of 360 hours of community service for the virtual theft of goods from another teen in the online game "Runescape". A virtual mask and amulet stolen from the account of 13 year old Hossenfossenstrooden Fluggaenkoechioebolsen -

- landed the two would be thieves in REAL prison as under Holland Law, virtual items are considered real.

"It's common sense dude. In a country where pot is legal, flaunted, and abundant, video game related crimes are taken SERIOUSLY. Hell, my cousin went there on Spring Break and got the death penalty for "bogarting" a bag of Cheetos." Sources close to the story explain through dense clouds of funny smelling smoke.

The two teenage criminals were sentenced to carry out their community services at "Svensteveldorden's Bakery and Hemp Shop". When asked for comment on the sentencing both teens had this to say.

"Yay!"

Sonic HUGE in London, Dentists still not.

Brits everywhere have spoken (through scary and often odd colored teeth) and the most popular game character of all time is:

NOT this chick.

Who needs large breasts, a sexy walk, or an ass sculpted out of a block of perfection when you can have a little blue cartoon who runs really fast?

That's right, Sonic the Hedgehog beat out every other gaming character in London's polls zipping away with the title of most popular video game icon, ever.

"Bumbly wickashammed nibledybits an' a wot wot tea time eh gov, eh gov?" Local gaming correspondent Nigel Frumpsworth confided from his loft via the telly.

The overseas version of Sonic The Hedgehog is the most popular game in all of London, more than tripling American sales. Some attribute this to the slight altercations to the game's regional codes which alter the storyline slightly. While the hoops, coins, and twists are still there, Sonic is not running against the clock - but away from an evil Dentist's Guild that hunts him mercilessly and wishes to enforce proper tooth care upon him.

Nimbledy crickets.

We'll have more on these stories as soon as one of you whines about unfair stereotypes.

Back to you Tom and Diane.

-Coyote

Believe it or not, but some people don't like the "F" word.

It upsets them, annoys them, and offends them to the core. Which means that they can never play online video games.

Ever.

No Ventrilo or Teamspeak, no games that now support full voice chat upon loading like EverQuest II, and absolutely NO Xbox live. These places are a breeding ground for the dreaded F-bomb, and where ever you mix video games with strangers, you are going to hear it.

Loudly.

That ONE F***ing word, f***ing it up for everyone.

Now, I know what you are thinking:

"Whatever happened to Chunk from the Goonies? I bet he's still a huge tub of man-goo."

Well, he became a lawyer and a politician and won an election based off of a (NO lie) "Chunk for President" platform where he did the truffle shuffle for audiences everywhere to make them laugh. Since then he's slimmed down and will probably punch you right in the mouth if you say "Bay-bee ROOF?" in the Sloth voice to him. Ex-fat kids are usually dicks like that. But that's neither here nor there. The point is...

...if you hate the F-word, or swearing in general, then polish your hat buckles and spit out that Wuther's original, because have I got news for you:

Microsoft just got a patent for Real Time audio censoring.

The software uses a new technology that allows near-instant voice pattern recognition and can block out the offending word the moment it leaves your lips. Instead of the gasp inspiring "F-word", other listeners can opt in to hear a beep, static, nothing, or even a replacement sound. Which I find funnier than f***, especially if you can control what the replacement sound is, because nothing takes the venom out of a rage filled rant like a cow moo or a kitten meowing.

While this software does have its merits, (come on, we've all heard THAT kid on Xbox live) it just goes one step further in proving my theory that the world has become an easily offend bunch of f***ing p*****s. Sure it can make the internet or online games a bit more kid friendly, but let's face it - your kid probably shouldn't be left unsupervised online with strangers ANYWAY.

You let the box babysit and little Tommy is going to learn all sorts of new and interesting words. And if your child IS the hate, racism, or vulgarity spewing 12 year old who trash talks like a truck driving sailor online, where in the hell are YOU? Your kid is SCREAMING things into a microphone that I usually have to pay $2.99 a minute  to hear loud enough to make my ears pop and you can't hear him?

Don't get me wrong, I have a f***ing potty mouth. (No, really. Seriously. I ask that suspend disbelief for just a moment and follow me on this.) But when I was 12 years old, I thought I was getting away with MURDER when I said the word "damn".

I felt BAD ASS.

A rebel. A tough guy. A 76 pound wall of MUSCLE ready to take on the world.

But there was no way in HELL that you could get me to say the F dash, dash, DASH word. Back then that was just suicide. I watched the neighbor kid say it once to prove how tough he was, but he failed to see his mother around the corner taking out the trash...

...they *NEVER* found his head.

And the cops wouldn't do a damn thing. Child protection? HA! Oh sure, they might show up and look disapprovingly at the Mother - but the moment they found out that the kid said the F-word? The were kicking his decapitated corpse for good measure.

And THEN they took his Colecovision away. For like a MONTH.

But now we don't have to worry about that, right? Microsoft is making it all better with a magical piece of software that can instantly curb our tongue when we can't or won't. It can block offending words from a conversation and make everyone more comfortable, right?

Wrong.

Like the terminator robots of the future, this software was intended for good - but no one is stopping to think of all of the BAD that can come from this. Namely:

Voice over IP phone services.

Sure, call me paranoid and tell me that I'm worried over nothing, but the thought of someone using software to force me to watch my mouth scares the S*** out of me. Think of all the wasted calls to sex hotlines. Think of all the late night booty calls that are avoided because every other word is a beep.

Dear God. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

No child should be brought up in a world where they don't have to fear their mother making good with "The bar of soap" thread ala A Christmas Story.

Still, there are those among us who see this software package as a blessing - a reprieve from ill manners and decaying social skills. With this software we don't have to worry about being offended, or fret about the 12 year old with the 34 year old mouth dropping F-bombs without remorse. It is out of our hands now, and we're relieved of the responsibility. Instead of taking the time to teach people HOW to interact, we can just ignore them if they don't.

Ahhh the magic of the internet. The biggest F*** you of all.

-Coyote

When I purchased the Wii, I bought it for two reasons:

1) My kids needed a new console system. They had an original Xbox and an original Playstation, and since we were having a hard time finding games for either, and they were old enough to have a "real" system, I decided to surprise them. While I know that the Wii isn't a "hard core" gaming system, it IS the perfect system for kids.

C) The Force Unleashed.

Okay, so the second reason was totally for me - I admit that. I loved the thought of wiggling the controller in special ways in order to activate force powers, and maybe even swinging the Wii-mote like a light saber. I imagined that billions of microscopic bacteria known as midichlorians were running through my body, imbuing me with "The Force" and giving me testicle cancer or some other debilitating disease because they turned the mystical energy of the Jedi into a case of Captain Trips.

But I digress.

So I picked up the game in hopes of doing a review and getting a tax write off, when I noticed that there was an ATTACHMENT that you could buy to go along with your new game. An attachment that turned your normal controller into....

...yeah. Jealous much?

The light saber attachment for the Wii-mote is completely optional, and not recommended for your average player. It is heavy in comparison the normal controller, harder to hold as you will repeated and accidently press buttons, and it slows down your saber attacks noticeably. However:

If you get the red one, it is incredibly cool looking and lights up your living room in a realistic shade of Sith Red.

Needless to say, I bought it.

Sure it is bulky and cumbersome and slows your attacks, but I found the RED one. Out of the dozens of other light sabers available, I found the ONLY red saber. It was meant to be, and who am *I* to defy fate? Besides, now I'm not just swinging a stupid Wii-controller and looking like a dork - I'm swinging a glowing red lightsaber Wii-controller and looking like a dork.

You *have* to appreciate the difference.

I raced home like a seasoned Pod Racer and brandished my new weapon of choice for the Missus to see, my excitement at finding a RED one lost on her as she labeled me "Dork Vader" and went back to the depths of her book "Divorce made E-Z" or whatever she's reading this week. Sliding the coffee table across the living room and ignoring the eye rolls and sarcastic comments of my wife who decided that she'd rather read in the bedroom than witness the awesomeness of a Sith in training, I was all but transformed. No longer was I a 34 year old geek with a plastic sword...

I was a Sith Lord in training and nothing could stop me.

Wookies, Storm Troopers and Robots alike fell victim to my force choke, or found themselves air born with a wave of my hand. Even other, less worthy Sith Lords were no match for my glowing plastic wand of death.

Darth Phobos? Sith Lord of Fear?

More like Darth LAME-os. Sith Lord of GETTING HER ASS KICKED!

I was cutting a path of destruction and leaving a trail of bodies as I came face-to-face with the rogue Sith Lord. She taunted as she ran at me, but I was ready for her.

SLICE! I was in the zone!

POW! Debris flew around us in a maelstrom of power!

BLAM! Our sabers LOCKED as she deflected a blow!

"What in the hell was THAT?"

...

Uh oh.

While Darth Phobos had successfully parried my attack, a number of the ceramic light houses and carousel horses that line the shelf on the entertainment center had not.

You see, aside from looking really cool and lighting up that aforementioned "realistic Sith Red", the Wii-Saber also extends out a good two feet. Two feet that I hadn't accounted for when performing a really impressive parry, parry, thrust, thrust combo. Two feet that I didn't add to my calculations when I stepped in with a vicious chop...

...two feet that summoned the end boss of end bosses.

Darth Cranky.

"Did I just hear a f***ing CRASH?" A rapidly approaching voice asked angrily as my heart leapt into my chest.

I tried frantically to recall my Jedi Training as I kicked a few decapitated horse heads under the sofa with the skill of a professional soccer player. But it was too late, and as she entered the room I felt my airways constricted as I clawed feebly at my neck.

"WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?!" She yelled as she TOTALLY let her anger get the best of her and pull her even further into the Dark Side. I was going to point out that getting mad was only going to lead to her destruction in the end...

...but her nostrils were flaring. So I let it slide.

Regaining some composure and hiding the still glowing plastic sword behind my back, I tried to look casual and feign surprise as I looked around the room as if to help her find the culprit for this dastardly deed.

But she wasn't buying it.

Snatching up a neatly severed horsey head, she held it up for my inspection, her eyes red with rage and (although it COULD have been my imagination, but I totally doubt it) crackling with electricity. I controlled my breathing and tilted my head slightly as if it were the first time I had noticed the now lifeless eyes of "Mr. Sparkles" and allowed a slight shrug.

"Darth Coyote cannot be held responsible for the casualties of war. The Dark Side has given me power beyond your understanding." I said with the air of someone who wasn't about to pee himself.

I know. I know. But if yer gunna go out, go out BIG I always say. Right?

"Well the DARK SIDE better have given Darth Coyote some Darth Superglue or I'm gunna stick my DARTH foot up his DARTH ASS." She answered, totally misusing the genre's terminology. Girls are stupid like that. I was going to point out that superglue can't earn the Sith title of "Darth", but again, the nostrils, so I ran off to get the superglue.

Not because I was scared of her, but because I wanted to.

The Force Unleashed is a good game, and for the Wii it does an impressive job of incorporating the Wii's designs into game play. You twist and push to force throw, swipe and thrust to fight with your saber, and the A.I. does an impressive job of making your life hell as you try to figure out all of the movements and combos. But be warned my friends of the power of the Dark Side...

...it will corrupt, it will control.....

...and it'll get your Wii Lightsaber taken away until you promise to be more careful and replace everything you broke, leaving you with the stupid plain-old regular controller.

And hate. So much hate.

-Coyote

((MONDAY PIMPINGS!! The new Avast Ye is up! Check them out or we'll keel haul you. ....we can get a keel. Seriously. Don't push us.))

Sorry folks! No column for today,  as something extremely important came up...

At first I tried frantically to get an article done,

and I wrote up a storm! I was a whirlwind of typing and jokes!

But just as I was about to finish the article, I realized that I had an errand that just could not be put off.

My eyes darted frantically to the clock,

and my heart raced in my chest as I thought about all of you, my readers...

...and how disappointed in me that you'd be.

So to those of you who are disappointed, who feel betrayed or let down because there is no column for today, and nothing for you to see or do, I sincerely apologize.

You came here, to me, looking for a source of entertainment, or perhaps a piece of news or gossip that you haven't heard...

And I let you down because of a pre-existing obligation that was forgotten until the last minute.

And I feel HORRIBLE about it.

So I'll be back Monday, with a new column full of fun and laughter, unless of course there is some sort of natural disaster...

-Coyote
 

That’s right, Coyote Action News is back and bringing you gaming news that hits harder than your man when the dinner is cold.

Unabashed. Unbiased. Unbelievably abashed AND biased, let the knowledge flow.

PS2 Full of Drugs Looks Suspicious

Three men stand accused of drug smuggling after police discovered 3400 ecstasy pills hidden in a PlayStation II being delivered to their home in Australia. Ecstasy, or "E" as it is called by glow stick sucking 17 year old girls named "Traci", is a popular club drug that heightens a user's senses to the point where they actually LIKE techno music.

Police discovered the drug smuggling operation when an alert mail carrier noticed that no one has EVER bought a Playstation II, and immediately contacted the police.

"I didn't know it was drugs, but I knew SOMETHING was up..." says local Australian mail carrier Donk Dundee. "...I mean, a Playstation II? Do they even MAKE these anymore? Why not order a shiny new Colecovision?" He laughed before punching the news reporter in the face and crushing a Foster's can on his forehead.

Following the tip, local law enforcement waited until the package was signed for before moving in and making arrests. Unfortunately, all three men were released only minutes later due to a loophole in Australian law.

"It seems that we don't actually HAVE laws..." The police officer in charge was later reported to comment. "...this whole frigging place is like something out of Mad Max. Screw this, I'm going to get a beer." He muttered moments before everyone on scene was devoured by crocs.

Tabula Rasa Pimped from Space

Civilian game creator Richard Garriott was launched into space this week, where he delivered a coded message that was later found to be an advertisement for the space based MMORPG "Tabula Rasa". This was Garriott's last transmission as moments later the vessel he was traveling in changed orbit slightly as it was destroyed by a photon torpedo blast by an invading alien warship.

Angered by the sheer horribleness of Tabula Rasa, a Gornagian War Fleet that had been previously duped into installing the game descended upon Garriott's tiny space craft and blasted it from the skies. It then beamed aboard all debris and kicked the living shit out of the tiny little frozen-yet-charred-by-space pieces of Garriott's corpse.

Earth's new Overlord and Merciless Ruler, Tuklock The Mighty had this to say:

"People of Earth, I bring you freedom and liberation from this evil dictator who enslaved you with such a CRAPPY game."

He then sucked the eyeballs out of the camera man and two sound guys before throwing a handful of brain slugs into the crowd. All hail Tuklock The Mighty.

New York Police Unions HATE Saints Row II

Saints Row is a popular "Grand Theft Auto" type of game that allows the player to commit an untold number of virtual crimes against society, including the police. Players can shoot, kick, beat, and even tazer in-game law enforcement with seemingly no penalties or repercussions. Needless to say, this has the New York Police Union up in arms:

"We DEMAND that this game be pulled from shelves and stores and even HOMES..." Says a local union member. "...and put BACK in our Police Academies where it BELONGS." He added angrily before tazering, kicking, and tear-gassing random passersby.

The controversy stems from the pending lawsuit against Saints Row II for Copyright and Basis Infringement. It seems that the New York State Police have held the patent on senseless violence and claim that the game is nothing more than a copy of their S.O.P training software.

"If people KNOW what we do, they'll expect it. Then they'll lose that surprised look that they get right before the mace hits'em right in the peepers. If we don't have THAT look, then...then..why are we even on the force?" The Union Rep added before sighing sadly and macing the camera man.

Modders Try To Go Legit, Get Stopped By THE MAN

Two enterprising young entrepreneurs in San Jose California tried bringing their "illegal modification and piracy" to the next level by advertising directly on the popular website "Craig's list", which is usually only used to buy hookers and weed.

The tech-savvy pair offered over 500 games, instructions on how to install them, and while-you-wait service for the low price of 80 dollars, undercutting several local competitors. Billing themselves as the "THE ONLY TRUE FIRST PSP MODDERS ON CRAIGSLIST", they were quickly arrested and probably beaten severely by the angry New York State Police Union mentioned above.

"Dude, what the F***? We were gunna pay like taxes and everything. Don't taze me bro!" one of the two business men was said to explain moments before being tazered violently. When asked for the reason behind this bust, officials reportedly offered this angry response to all would-be modders:

"STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS YOU GOD DAMN RETARDS! WE WARNED YOU! WE F***ING WARNED YOU!"

Moments later the reporting official himself was tazered in what is now being billed as a "brilliant stroke of irony", akin to both rain on your wedding day AND good advice that you just didn't take.

EA'S DRM Only Upsets Pirates and Dumbasses

EA has been picked on unfairly by gamers across the world for its policing of the hit game SPORE with its anti-piracy DRM. Spore was met with gaming media backlash and attacked both in print, and an "anti-rating" protest on Amazon games for what the public felt was an unfair policing of offline software. But according to EA CEO John Riccitiello, there were only two types of people who had a problem with EA'S DRM:

"I'm guessing that half of them were pirates, and the other half were people caught up in something that they didn’t understand. If I’d had a chance to have a conversation with them, they’d have gotten it... " he actually said, no seriously, we're not joking, in the link that you can follow. THAT is what he said.

Really.

Two halves making a whole, this blanket statement divides those who disagree with the DRM into two camps:

Camp A) Pirates who should be arrested and then tazered and beaten as in the examples listed above.

Camp B) Dumbasses who blindly follow the Pirates and like get them beer and stuff.

Which goes to prove, that if your not playing Spore - you're either a criminal or a retard who probably shouldn't be near electronic equipment anyway.

This has been yet another exciting edition of Coyote Action News, Good Day...and as always...

...good boobies.

-Coyote

EverQuest II is my first real love.

Sure, I had played the original EverQuest, and a handful of other MMO's, and I was pretty loyal to all of them, but none have ever held my attention or caused me as much conflict as EQ2. You see, most of my friends have moved on. They had played for years and eventually grew bored with the zones that they knew better than their own real life neighborhoods and the quests that they could do blind folded.

Such is the way of the MMOG.

They're meant to hold your attention for as long as they can, but they know that someday you'll find something else to focus your unnatural and kinda creepy lusts on, and that one day you'd just be gone.

And I'll admit my dalliances.

I had an affair with Pirates of the Burning Sea, casually dated Age of Conan, and even got to second base with World of Warcraft...but I always came home to EverQuest II.

As hard as it is for any gamer to admit about his true love, server populations have gone down. Not to the point where zones are barren and empty, but it is definitely noticeable. My normal group of real life friends and guildies who could form a raid in the blink of an eye has eroded away to the four of us who remain. New MMOG's with shiny new loot systems, twists on conventional game play or exciting worlds have whisked them away, and while some do come back, the crowd is gone.

Yet she's STILL aged well.

Expansions and add-ons, free content and upgrades, she has weathered the test of time and has improved because of it. Every game has its flaws:

* Warcraft looks like a Saturday Morning Cartoon in it's vibrancy and tongue-swallowing colors.

* DnD Online suffered from grouping and soloing woes that dropped too many nails in the coffin of what is honestly a great game.

* Warhammer Online's chat system consists of two tin cans and a string.

And while EverQuest II still has its flaws, it has been around long enough to address them, correct them, and implement the corrections. Abilities and applications that the masses have been shouting for since launch have been added, class balances have almost stabilized, (almost, put down the noose, I said almost) and user inspired content has been patched in to the delight of the many who suggested and fought for it.  And graphically, even being years old, she's STILL second to none in looks. No sag, no droop, and her ass is POPPING.

And yet, even with all of these good things - I'm still looking for something better.

I pick up the newest MMOG and hop in with my friends, hoping to rekindle that EQ2 spark that we all had years ago. Old faces mingle with new, and as I play I hope that THIS is the game that somehow surpasses the standards that I set against the bar that EverQuest II hoisted. My friends tease me for sticking with the game, call me a fanboy and shill and try to lure me away.

And I go.

Willingly.

I feel guilty, almost silly for "still playing THAT old game", like the guy who won't leave the Pac Man machine to try the newest incarnation of Street Fighter. The old fogie who suffers from anachronism to the point where he refuses to accept anything new, when the truth is - nothing new holds up to the old. As hardcore of a gamer as I am, the only thing that I lack is TIME. Something the majority of the crowd seems to have an abundance of.

I putter around the lower levels, reading every book, getting every quest, and taking in every nuance as they eat through the content like locusts hungrily wanting more. And while I have that hunger, time forces me to eat more slowly so my plate has never gone empty while theirs is licked clean.

And now that the next expansion is on the horizon, offering to dump even more chow onto my battered tin plate, and it's getting harder to step away from the table to try other buffets.

Dammit EverQuest II....I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!

But the truth is, I don't.

I love the game, the genre, and the players who have stayed. It offers an abundance of classes, quests and endless zones full of content both new and old. And with luck, with the new expansion - I'll end up with the one thing that the game lacks and that I've been craving the most...

The old faces.

-Coyote

I've hashed this out before:

Hollywood has run out of ideas.

The box office is full of sequels and prequels and remakes and there hasn't been an ORIGINAL idea in the movie industry in years. And as bad as something like "School of Rock II" pisses me off (yes, it is real), nothing gets my dander up like a bad remake of a favorite movie from my youth.

The movies themselves didn't have to be good - hell, most weren't, but they were a part of your childhood and to see them jazzed up and given a cast fresh out of Dawson's Creek is almost sacrilegious. So in that vein, here are five up and coming remakes that'll you see previewed soon....

...and the reasons WHY they should never be remade.

The Last Starfighter

Summary - A dorky kid who isn't really "dorky", but HOLLYWOOD dorky, which means he is still handsome and has muscles and things like "deltoids" is really good at an arcade game. He obsesses over it day and night (maybe he IS one of us) before finding out that it's not really a game, but an actual space themed simulator that has trained him to be the best fighter pilot in the galaxy.

Why we love it - Because this is every geek's wet dream, and in the back of our minds we knew it all along:

The game we were playing MATTERED!

We weren't just plunking in quarters stolen from mom's laundry money cache to feed a gaming addiction or to fill that empty spot in our soul left void by the fact that we had no friends, we were TRAINING! Training to save the WORLD from intergalactic badasses who despite years of actual space combat and experience would NEVER be as good as a kid with a pocket full of purloined quarters.

We f***ing KNEW it.

Why it shouldn't EVER be remade: Because the movie is better in our heads and hearts than it is on the screen.

Think about it.

There's a INTERGALACTIC WAR and the best and only hope is some white kid who spanks it nightly to the thought of Mrs. Pac-man's bow?

Really?

In all of the galaxy there was NO ONE better suited for the job? No one more experienced and trained than a kid who is good at video games? How does THAT conversation go down in the war room?

"The name is Jensen, I fought the Quignar at the battle of Nektine. I've over 1,000 confirmed kills and I'm the best that the Mukah have to offer."

"I'm Bortag. Proud Orkian warrior and hope to die in battle for the pride of my people."

"Yeah, hi. I'm Harold. I'm REALLY good at that Starfighter video game. I've played it like TWENTY TIMES and then beat it! My three initials are at the top of the screen now...well, not MY initials, I kinda messed up at the end so instead of HTM it is HTN, but that's still me - HEY, are those cheetos?"

Ever see a 800 pound Bortag wet himself? No? Send him into battle with a skinny white kid whose only training is a few rounds of Space Invaders.

And then get the mop.

The Evil Dead

Summary - I shouldn't even have to summarize it. The Evil Dead series should be required viewing for any TRUE geek, but since we have the occasional visitor, I'll explain for the mortals in the crowd.

But ONLY them.

Everyone else pan down.

Summary: (Take II) - A group of young men and women frolic happily in a cabin deep in the woods in hopes of getting drunk, stoned, and laid in all of its clichéd glory. Instead they unleash demons from hell that possess and murder them all using up all of the film's 47 dollar budget in the first seven minutes.

Why we love it - Because it frigging SUCKS.

It is the epitome of "B Movie" and if it were any cheesier it would be adopted by the French.....who would promptly surrender to it. Horrible dialogue, concept, acting and script, Evil Dead is so horrible and cheesy and lame that it does the impossible:

It is so bad, that eventually it's good.

A rare formula indeed, and not one lightly cooked, Evil Dead sucked so hard that it was good. You couldn't HELP but like it for the lame effects, campy dialogue and the dimple chinned antics of the legendary Bruce Campbell. It personified the term "Cult Classic" and is chunk of the spine that makes up the backbone of geekdom.

It sucked so bad that it was good. How can you NOT love that?

Why it shouldn't EVER be remade - Because it is done.

The magic is there, it cannot be recreated, and anything that tries too will suck in the sucking way, not in the good way that this movie sucked. You can't recreate something that was accidentally created and hope to have the formula exactly right again.

Besides, Bruce is getting kind of old, and I'm not sure that I can ever forgive him for that whole "The Man With The Screaming Brain" thing.

The wounds are just too fresh.

Remaking a bad movie in hopes of making it good, will only make it bad and open a paradox in the universe in which we are all swallowed.

Clash of the Titans

Summary - Perseus gets on a magical flying white horse that you only now as an adult recognize as "a little fruity" and saves Ancient Greek from the Medusa, the Kraken, and a guy who seems to be Clancy Brown's father by fighting claymation skeletons.

Why we love it - Because when you are eight, this movie is sheer awesomeness. Flying mounts, epic battles, swords and  sorcery! Hell, you don't even NOTICE the strings half the time, or the thumb print left on some clay monster's forehead by a rushed stop-motion-photographer.

Robot owls, hot chicks and decapitation - this is the stuff that little boys are made of.

If you locked 50 hyperactive 8 year olds in a room full of sugar and gave them paper and pens, after only TWO hours, there would be like 900 paper airplanes, hats, and all the walls would have the word "poopy" written on them. But that's not the point. The point is, if you were to unfurl the planes and hats and little boats, you would see drawings of every scene from Clash of the Titans depicted in the cave drawing scratch that only an 8 year old boy can create.

This movie was AMAZING and a HUGE part of my childhood - and it reminds you that no matter how old you are, you can ALWAYS go back.

Why it shouldn't EVER be remade - Because you can't ever go back.

I caught this on TNT a few weeks ago and watched with excitement....for like four minutes. Then I realized how cheesy and horrible it was and that the whole "Medusa Head versus the Kraken" just didn't make sense.

You just aim the head at people? How did the Kraken even see her eyes? Did the Kraken even HAVE eyes?

It bothered me and ruined an amazing childhood memory. Any remake that I'll be forced to see (because I will have to see it) will only further destroy my memories, especially if it is pretty good. Because then I'll NEVER be able to re-watch the movie I have no intentions of ever watching.

But you know, like doubly so.

Footloose

Summary - Kevin Bacon gets within one degree of himself as the rebellious kid who moves to a town that is literally part of the buckle in the Bible Belt. He is the outcast, the tough guy, and the badass, and he fights back the only way that he knows how...

By DANCING.

Why we love it - Because we were young and didn't know any better - or we had a sister or girlfriend or other female influence in our lives who convinced us it was a good movie. But let's face it:

When the movie's badass rebels by DANCING, you are doomed from the start.

Dancing just isn't that rebellious of an act. Even in "No Dancing" zones, which I've never in my life actually SEEN, but I know that they probably need more of. Dancing makes you look dorky and spastic, not cool and mysterious, and it just doesn't factor into the real world. No one has ever stood around at work in tight knit groups whispering in awe about a show of defiance that involves someone busting a move.

"Did you see what Johnson did during the board meeting when Old Man Winters told him that he couldn't dance?"

"No! What?"

"He danced! He stood up and danced with all of his might! I've never seen that much heart poured into a single man!"

"Oh my GOD! What did Old Man Winters do?"

"Called security. Yeah, they tazered the shit right out of Johnson, fired him, and threw him into the street."

"Wow. Dibs on his stapler."

Why it shouldn't EVER be remade - I blame Footloose for every "Bring it On" "Kick it" "Stomp tha yard" type of movie ever to grace television, and remaking it would just send the message that dancing is a cool way to settle your problems.

Which is just dangerous to kids. Don't believe me? Ever wonder what happened to the Sharks and the Jets from West Side Story? Yeah, well they met the Crips and the Bloods and all of the cool tough guy dance moves in the world couldn't save them from the rebellious act of being shot in the face.

Although the world may very well need MORE tractor fights.

Poltergeist

Summary - A family builds their new home over a cemetery which pisses off a ton of ghosts who send a TV to eat their daughter.

Why we love it - Because it scared the holy hell out of us.

Poltergeist didn't have to scare you with high tech effects or CGI ghosts popping out of corners, instead, they went inside your head with a nightmare stick and stirred it around until you were forced to sleep with the lights on for a month. This wasn't some ghost haunting a family, this was an unseen force doing freaky things that they didn't expect and were powerless to stop.

Possessed clown dolls? Tree monsters ripping through windows? TV's eating little kids?

It might not sound scary from the safety of your computer as you roll your eyes and call me a dork, but I'll tell you flat out: For YEARS to come - if my TV ever cut to static, for ANY reason?

I peed a little bit.

Poltergeist was the fear of the unknown, of the unseen, and of forces beyond our sight and ability to comprehend. But it did teach us a lesson...

...if someone tries selling you a home for thirteen dollars, you might want to check into it just a bit before opening your wallet. There are always strings attached, and these strings might lead to slime covered tennis balls shooting out of Meg's ass.

You've been warned.

Why it shouldn't EVER be remade - Aside from the various crappy sequels and the obvious "can't recapture the mood" points, this movie just doesn't NEED to be remade. It stands on its own like few other movies can.

Jaws, Stand by Me, Goonies and a handful of others that will never NEED to be redone, because the originals still shine to this day. Yet where there is a buck to be made, there will be some sleazy Hollywood type shilling for a new flick and ignoring what the movie meant to us, or the fact that it was perfect as is.

I'm ashamed of the remakes that pale to the original. So ashamed. Humiliated.

And Hollywood should be ashamed too. It should sit there in its chair, humiliated and ashamed....

...and then maybe take off its top and walk around bowing a lot.

...

....crap.

What was I saying?

-Coyote
 

I admit it...

I like spoilers.

Not in the sense where some asshat tells you that Snape kills Dumbledore "for realz yo" on the day of the book release, or that Bruce Willis is really a ghost the entire time in The Sixth Sense, but small spoilers. Tidbits that sneak out. From a picture of the Hulk on set, to an industry leaked photo of a new video game screenshot, to a degree, spoilers can be fun.

They can spur interest in a product, make you feel like you've gotten a bonus other people haven't, and all in all keep you cemented in the want for what you are getting a peak of.

But again, this is all to a degree.

I personally have already paid for my Collector's Edition copy of Fallout 3. I'm a huge fan, it is a game that I've been waiting for forever, and it comes in a metal lunchbox.

That's right, you get your own Vault Boy lunchbox and I am SO going to be mocked at work.

But I don't care.

Cool lunchboxes aren't for show. Who cares about resale value on an item you never plan to sell? It should smell like stale milk and have crumbs of some long forgotten sandwich stuck to the bottom and forced under the folded metal rim so that you can never TRULY get it clean. THIS is the purpose of a lunchbox, and without this purpose it can never get into Lunchbox Heaven...

...not that I sat daydreaming of the existence of such a magical place.

The point is, I'm getting a lunchbox, a game that I can't wait to play, and unlike SOMEONE out there, I'm not going to be killed horribly because I leaked the game to the interwebz three weeks before release date.

You dumbasses.

FALLOUT III is leaked, cracked, and already made available on the more popular torrent sites for anyone with a back-of-the-van modded Xbox 360. You can download it, load it and play it free without paying for it or the magical, wondrous lunchbox it will come in.

But I wouldn't.

I REALLY wouldn't.

Because the game's makers, Bethesda are watching, and lemme tell ya - Dude. They're PISSED.

The problem with leaks or spoilers is the fact that sometimes the leakee goes too far, draws too much attention, and ends up getting caught. Spoilers can be good in the fact that with just enough teasing, they can ramp up want for the product - for free. Spoilers are BAD however when they are the full release of a game that isn't out just yet, and only a few people have access.

Bethesda is more than pissed, in fact...

They're coming to get you Barbara...

"We're looking into it. Since we haven't sent out a single disc, it greatly reduces the number of places this might have come from." Says Bethesda VP Pete Hines as he grinds an axe made out of baby skulls and stares menacingly into the camera. (We envision.)

Way to draw even more attention to the Pirates you glory hounding dicks.

You couldn't have just kept this hush-hush on the scene? You HAD to bring it to lime light for cred, and NOW what is going to happen? Game delays? More DRM nightmares? All the crap that the non-pirates have to deal with so that your arrgging asses can get a couple of props?

Damn it.

Even though this was pirated for a GAME CONSOLE, (*NOTE* This isn't the PC version, although PC Gamers will be given the blame, as per usual) the rest of us are bound to suffer. Industry leaders don't attribute the word "Pirate" to a kid playing on his sofa. It's always guys like me at the keyboard getting our front doors kicked down and screaming that we don't even OWN an Xbox as we're thrown in a jail cell with real criminals and used as a form of currency.

Still...

Bethesda is pissed. PISSED. And they're vowing to find the source of the leak and "bring him to justice", which just SOUNDS like it involves Steven Segal and a well trained weasel. I'd reaaaally watch the downloads on this one kids, because if you think that no heads are going to roll with the leak of a major title, you're more naive than the people who were shocked when Clay Aiken came out...

Someone is going to get caught, people are going to be fired, and the whole "DRM" controversy is about to get a whole lot worse...

...even though it wasn't PC Pirates.

You bastards.

-Coyote

((And in TOTALLY unrelated news Mr. Bethesda Guy Who Is Reading This, The new AVAST YE, an unrelated pirate themed Comic is ready for viewing. - Coyote))

No...

No I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVED Diablo...

It did top-down RPG WELL, had a great storyline, unique loot system, and you could play it over and over again and not end up with the same gear or play experience.

The game was FUN and I played the ever loving snot out of it. Diablo itself may be the sole reason that I was a virgin until I was 28 years old. I was too busy "gettin' my game on" to worry about "gettin' my game on". If ya know what I'm sayin', gimme a lil' sum sum.

Then Diablo II came out, and I never saw my family again.

I stumbled out of the computer lair one day, looking for Pepsi and Funyons in order to fuel my gaming streek and noticed that the house was bare. The walls were empty, the remainder of the furniture had been covered in white sheets, and THERE WAS NO ELECTRICITY TO THE HOUSE! I had only been playing the game in my MIND because I WAS A GHOST THE WHOLE TIME!

...

....okay. That didn't happen, but once M. Night Shamalamadingdong reads this, it will.

But I digress.

Diablo II was a fun experience for me, and like the original I played it non-stop. I found every secret, killed every beast, and became the master of the next incarnation of The Secret Cow Level. But a few years had passed, and with the addition of a new game, came a new experience.

Online game play.

Okay, the original had it as well, but this was over a cable modem! No lag, real time play with your buddies and people online! You could start over, earn achievements and adventure with perfect strangers...

...who hacked the game and ganked you the MOMENT you left the safety of the village.

You laid there, betrayed and confused as level 70 mystical geared warriors came out of the woodwork, all of them fighting over your tattered corpse and the rights to do unspeakable things to it.

Diablo II almost completely turned me off from online gaming.

The game was hacked harder than Lizzie Borden's parents. Mods, cheats, exploits, trainers, bots, and roving gangs of griefers straight out of the gasoline hungry gangs from Mad Max. It was pure and utter Chaos - and for once I didn't enjoy it.

Not because I couldn't cheat, because I could have. I wouldn't because it would have ruined the game for me on a whole 'nother level, but I could have. The hacks and mods were easy to find, easy to set up, and worst of all...

It seemed like Blizzard didn't care.

They knew about the rampant cheating and hacking, and while they did put out a few patches and updates, it seemed like they made no effort at all to keep up with the modders. Online play was FREE and if you didn't like it, you could just log off. They had already been paid for your fun and had your money, so why would they care? Diablo II left a bad taste in my mouth, and now as they're serving up a big ol' plate of Diablo III...

I dunno if I want a bite.

They're offering new classes on this admittedly epic game, new storylines and arcs, and with the advances in gaming since Diablo II - a new game experience. Online gaming has changed by leaps and bounds, and this COULD be a brand new experience of play.

Or it could be just another round of Diablo II in disguise.

Either way, I'm afraid to leave the boundaries of the town to check. Sure, security will be better (anything will be better compared to what it was), and Blizzard is a King in the realm of Online Play, but what will the incentive to play Online be? Will it be free? Will it be subscription based? Does this teaser shot do anything for you?

Or does it look like John Conner in drag?

Which would have just been an awkward moment from Terminator 2, right? Arnie kicks down the door, blasts some bad guy in the face, reaches out a hand to John Conner ...

...and sees him all in drag. Feeling pretty.

"*BLAM!* Come weeth meh if you wunt to...li-...um...wow. This is awkward. Bad time?"

"Yeah."

"I..I could just you know, come back in like a year. I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Close the door on the way out."

"Uh...yeah. Wow."

No matter how you slice it, Diablo III will be absolutely huge, and despite my hesitation - I'll be one of the people playing it. Diablo II was just too good NOT to give it a chance. However, UNLIKE the majority of players, my replay value will be limited to my own imagination...

...because there is no WAY I'm going online and playing with a bunch of Counter Strike kids screaming "n00b!" into Ventrilo.

Unless, you know. You guys have really good hacks you can share. Then it's on like Donkey Kong.

-Coyote