TenTonHammer.com - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Famed and respected geneticist Steve Jones gave a speech earlier this week on his theory,(supported by his research) that man as a race is done evolving.

That's it.

We're done.

No wings or mutated brains giving us super powers and telepathy. No telekinetic abilities allowing our super evolved selves to rip off the clothing of passing hot chicks...

NOTHING. We're done. THIS is as good as it gets. Behold, the pinnacle of the evolution of man.

...

...well...CRAP.

How can this be it? What about all of the theories that "aliens" are just future humans with time travel powers and that due to technology and evolution we all end up with huge freaky eyes and bodies so scrawny that if you were to hold us to a light, you could see our heart through our chest?!

What a fine time to tell me that this is as good as it gets. Had I known that I was an end product rather than another ape in the string of barrel monkeys that makes up our evolution, I would have liked worked out or something. If I knew that THIS was the body of the floor model I would have done like a sit-up, or a "Squat thrust" or whatever you call them.

Squat thrust.

What a horrible sounding exercise. It doesn't even sound like a fitness term. It fact I think I have done MANY a squat thrust in my life, but it usually revolved around half a bottle of cheap vodka and a poorly thought out visit to Taco Bell. Hell, the more that I think about it and compare the two, the MOTIONS are even pretty much the same.

But squatting and thrusting aside, (Just EWWw..okay? Ew. I don't need a 58 year old grizzled Gym Teacher in short-shorts and a whistle telling me that I need to work on my squat thrusts and that I'm not squatting and/or thrusting to his satisfaction. THIS IS THE CRAP THAT SCARS YOUR CHILDREN FOR LIFE PEOPLE!) according to "guy whose name is too far up on the page to go back and look up for a quote" this is it. We've reached the top of the mountain, climbed as high as we can climb, and contraire the prophecies of the noted philosopher George Hemsley Jefferson, we are NOT "movin' on up".

What could possibly lead to this dismal and cruelest of fates?

Men are have kids earlier in life and stopping. Getting them "out of the way". In most cases, the women we're having sex with are older as well. Men having children young and stopping leads to less possibility of change in genetics, and we keep spitting out the same dumbass kids that they previous generations spit out. Kids who are the same as us, have the same traits and characteristics, and who refuse to GET OFF OF MY GOD DAMN LAWN!

I am *KEEPING* this Frisbee!

But all hope is not lost. There is a solution. A solution that a few brave souls like myself have come up with, and a solution that just might work. It will take the sacrifice of men like me - the "mid 30's and older" crowd, as we are the only chance you have in reigniting the fires of evolution.

We have to do it with young chicks.

Lot's of 'em.

I don't like it anymore than you guys do - but desperate times call for desperate measures, and if this is the ONLY way that we can guarantee that the human race continues to evolve and grow, then so be it. I will take one for the team, and do my duty (hehe duty) for my country, my world, and my fellow man.

According to "guy up there with the brains whose name I forget":

"A drop in the number of older fathers will thus have a major effect on the rate of mutation."

Meaning - men used to have a lot more children, a LOT later in life. Because of the way that genetics are passed the older the male and the younger the female, the more possibilities for advancement and change.

I'm not biochemicalgeneologynocologist like "Wasshisface" up there, but I know a GOOD plan when I hear one. And if me totally doing it with a lot of younger hotties until I'm  too wrinkled to unwrinkle (wink wink) is the only thing that will get our evolution back on track?

Who am *I* to play God and say no?

That's the Missus's job.

The Missus who is now standing behind me and asking why I'm giggling as I write, and who so far into this conversation, is going to be the SOLE reason that man no longer evolves. Because SHE doesn't seem to agree with the scientific proof that I'm arguing while trying to dodge randomly flung objects.

So if man is doomed to this form, please note gentle reader, it will be the fault of this woman, and women like her who just don't understand SCIENCE.

...

...girls are so dumb. And bad at science.

-Coyote

(Special thanks to Nosnam for the emergency pic hosting since photobucket died today. THANK YOU MATT!!!)

Imagine if you will, the dawning of a new MMORPG.

A world of monsters and magic, of spaceships and race cars - a world that YOU help design and create. A world that knows no genre or type that welcomes gamers of every play style with open arms and creepy little robot prong hands. A world where everyone is equal, be he man or beast...or man beast thing spaced out with blocks to make him look bigger...

...

...a world where the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and maybe, the vacuum.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you...

Lego Online

And as usual, I know exactly what you are thinking:

"Why do you constantly defend Wil Wheaton when others call for his blood?"

Because Wil Wheaton is one of US and a TRUE geek. You can't hate him just because you didn't like his Character on Star Trek because any one of us would have jumped at the chance to be on that series. HELL, if they asked me to be "Renob" the hermaphrodite ensign comic relief with an anal fetish for tribbles, I'd be slapping on my Shrek ears and takin' a fuzzy one for the team.

But back to Legos, and I would appreciate if you'd all stay on topic for once. Yeeesh.

Lego Online is going to go live in 2009 and revolves around, brace yourself, the world of Legos.

You'll be able to adventure and quest and raid, or just sit around making Lego creations for others to knock down or dork up with their inability to make anything but the really long "tower of Legos" out of EVERY frigging Lego in the bucket.

Greedy bastards.

User content will be a heavy part of game play, as will crossing over different Lego themes and genres.

And you shouldn't be surprised - they've been grooming us for this all along. Do you really think that games like Lego Star Wars and Lego Batman and Legosuit Larry aren't crafted to acclimate you to the Lego World, so that when the MMOG is released you aren't suddenly stricken with the urge to join? They're in our homes and in our heads and they haven't the right, but now nothing can stop them.

Except for "Lego Deprogramming" which consists of stepping on a little yellow one, barefoot while getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Legos are the caltrops of the toy world and if John McClane had to walk across an office full of Legos barefoot, he would have surrendered right then and there.

And then Hans Gruber would have shot him. In the face.

Still, even with the obvious programming and rewards for playing aside, (Lego Star Wars actually gives you a shot of pleasure through the buttons of your controller every time you walk Jar Jar Binks off a cliff so that he explodes. Trust me, I can verify this as I've done it THOUSANDS of times.) I have to admit that I'm intrigued by the game, and more than a little curious.

The Lego Universe is HUGE, and while I'm not looking forward to adding my poorly designed creations to the world, I am dying to see what OTHER people come up with.

So that I can knock it down and laugh. MUAHAHHAHAAHA....

...

....sorry.

The Lego Universe expands over all forms of entertainment. NASCAR, Dinosaurs, Pirates, Movies, hell - even Lego Space Stations - there will be no genre that a game like this can't dip its aforementioned creepy little claw hands into. And while that may spell disaster for emersion and continuity of play, it opens up the game to literally anyone who enjoys playing with Legos. And lets face it, even if you SUCK at building things with Legos, you still love them.

How can you not?

They're the perfect toy for any child. Build anything, imagine anything, and press the good ones together REALLY tight so that your sister can't get them apart and use them because she just builds stupid crap like chairs for her dolls and flowers. The truth of the matter is...

Only commie mutant traitors hate Legos.

The game itself is aimed at the 8 year old and higher crowd, (which, being 8 is perfect for me) and promises a unique style of game play. A different spin on the MMOG universe that seems to be cloning itself rather than expanding and changing. I'm really looking forward to this game and can't wait to give it a try.

It offers something for everyone, (except commies) and best of all - there is absolutely NO chance that you'll step on one in the middle of the night, leaving you crippled and crying on the bathroom floor.

AND THAT solace my friends, is worth the price of the game alone.

-Coyote

It's...it's time.

Hello! Eet's mee, Mahree-oh!

I frigging HATE Mario.

And what's more - I hate that the little plumber crack showing hobbit is EVERYWHERE, and it doesn't seem like he'll be going away any time soon. So what's with the Mario hate? Truth be told, I wasn't always sick of his Magnum P.I. mustache having ass. In fact...

I used to like him.

I was a huge Mario fan and played the living HELL out Super Mario Bros. To this day I wonder how many hours of my youth I wasted playing it and blame it completely for the fact that I didn't kiss a girl until I was 26. Mario was everywhere and you couldn't look away. He invaded your cartoons, your breakfast cereals, and graced the cover of every Nintendo Power Magazine that you stole from your cousin because his mom bought him EVERYTHING and he didn't even read them.

Mario was the MAN....twenty years ago.

Now he's just damn annoying. Somehow he's gotten shorter, has a high pitched cartoon voice that is just dipped in a bad parody of a stereotypical "Italian immigrant" accent, and graces over five HUNDRED THOUSAND Nintendo games. No matter where you look you see him, his retarded brother Luigi, or those freaky "how the HELL did THEY catch on" evil versions of them driving little carts or stomping on turtles.

Now I know what you are thinking:

"Wait, Amy Winehouse used to be HOT?"

I know, right?!? What the HELL happened to her?! She was GORGEOUS, but now she looks like something Keith Richards coughs up in the morning after a hard night slamming mojitos made out of diesel fuel and coca leaves. I NEVER knew that she was once hot, and kinda feel bad for pointing out that she looks like she's spent the night sleeping inside a gutted homeless man ala Luke and the Tauntaun. I bet she smells like the floor of a cab, like RIGHT after it rains and people are tracking in mud.

But I digress.

I am frigging sick of Mario, and while I know that he is the "Flagship" character for Nintendo, it is time to give him a break and let him retire so that he can relax and spend the bulk of his working fortune on gold chains and wax for his IROC-Z. This also applies to all of the other main licensed characters for games that we no longer care about.

That's right, I'm looking at YOU Sonic the frigging hedgehog.

Guess what? Sonic SUCKED. No one likes him, no one likes the "evil" sonic, or his retarded nephew with the tail. Sure, we played the HELL out of the games, but not because they were GOOD - but because that was all we HAD and we were BORED. Any kid out there will tell you that when you're bored, playing even the LAMEST of video games beats playing absolutely no video games at all. But we never meant for Sonic to get POPULAR.

It was a chick game.

We would have MUCH rather been beating people to death with bats in Double Dragon, or using the Konami code to get 30 guys in Contra. But we had already beaten those games, were kinda sick of them, and no matter how cool Ninja Gaiden is - those twin rock gargoyle statue things kinda creeped us out.

Sonic sucks and Mario has been WAY overdone and shoved down our throats, so both of them need to take a page out of Pac-Man's book and just GO AWAY.

You remember Pac-Man right? Of course you do, and even though he tried the same crap with cereal and spin off games and crap-tastic cartoons, you still love him - because HE GOT THE PICTURE. He realized that his time was done and it was time to just hornk down the last cherry, say goodbye to the ghosts and GO AWAY FOREVER.

Hint hint Mario. Hint friggity HINT.

And take all of your newly extended family with you. Wario, the evil Mario, Waluigi, the evil Luigi, and all of the other "Cousin Oliver" types you keep adding to extend your shelf life.

...unless there is an evil Princess Peach.

Her, we keep. Because she's probably into leather and stuff...and you know.

Raawwr.

-Coyote

Silent Hill V: Homecoming is out, and I don't want to play it. Thus, the double edged sword of the horror game genre. These games are usually the most involved, the most imaginative, and have the best story lines...

...but they're also the most likely to get into your head.

It doesn't matter that I'm 34 years old. It doesn't matter that in those 34 years I have never seen ANYTHING even remotely monster-related that couldn't be quickly and easily explained as something logical. It doesn't matter that I know for a fact as an adult that my closet door is not a portal to a demonic realm full of living nightmares that just wait for me to improperly close it as I go to bed.

Games like this scare the hell out of me, and Silent Hill: Homecoming looks like it would enjoy doing it.

That doesn't look like a happy kid, and I think that they might be misleading us by using the term "Homecoming". When you think of "Homecoming" what comes to mind?

Dances and Little House on the Prairie, right?

Dancing is fun and festive even if you don't get to actually dance with a member of the opposite sex because you're going through your "geeky and gangly" phase and spend the entire festival cracking jokes about those who DO dance in order to hide your pain.

The Home Coming episode of Little House had a girl in pig tails and a field full of brightly colored flowers that stood out in stark contrast to the dress that she wore. The dress that her mother painstakingly made by hand using what appears to be several potato sacks and thread made from "catgut" when "catgut" wasn't just a clever name, but really guts from a cat.

Neither of these things scare you (Unless you have to touch the dress), neither of them bring up really bad and painful memories of a time in your life where you were shunned and cried yourself to sleep nightly, (Thank you modern sedatives!) and neither of these things truly get in your head. We're talking full body blanket cocoon complete with little air hole for breathing, in your head. Chair in front of the closet door with BELLS on it so that when your new kitten sneaks into your room in the middle of the night you pee a little bit, in your head.

But Silent Hill: Homecoming does.

And I had hoped to avoid it.

I'm not a huge console gamer, and games like this don't make it very easily to the Wii. The Wii is fun and light and stupid entertainment, so its inherent goodness keeps the demons at bay. I thought I was safe from all the effed up creepiness that Silent Hill has to offer.

I was wrong.

It's being released on PC. Which means not only will I have to buy it, I'll have to play it. And then it's back to...

You see, Silent Hill isn't full of zombies or werewolves or demonic dogs. It doesn't rely on fast-pace game play and endless hordes of enemies that you can grow numb to, or run past in hopes of finding a quick save point. Silent Hill gets in your HEAD.

Little kid monster things with their eyes and mouths stitched shut, ghostly figures crawling towards you and doing that "jerky-out-of-sync" motion that lets you know that bullets might not do squat, and countless other perversions of the normal world that subtly tell you that not only are you being drawn into the game...

...but all of this stuff is probably real.

And it's probably in your room.

Waiting.

These games do more than offer you an escape or entertainment - they suck you in. They transport you from your world to theirs and they affect your brain in ways that you actually consider for a moment that something might really be there. And as much as I love them, I hate them because my heart pounds, I get nervous, and depending on how dark I suddenly notice it is, I have to stop playing. But by far the worst thing about this genre is:

The other gamers.

People who roll their eyes, shake their heads, and call me names like "Weinerboy" whenever I point out that the horror genre occasionally gets it REALLY right. They listen to me explain the game, wave a dismissing hand and then tell me that they've played all of the games I've mentioned, and never once had their pulse rate even quicken. They find the games boring, the attempts at "scaring them" lame, and the Horror Genre does absolutely nothing for them because they are just too blasé.

I have a word for these people, and that word is "Big FAT F***ING LIAR".

I fully realize that not everyone is the dorkus that I am, but there is no way that you've played through the best of the best without so much as a droplet of pee sneaking out of your bladder. From zombie dogs in the hall ways of Resident Evil, to the creepy and perverted (in the bad way) nurses of Silent Hill...

...there is NO way that you are such a tough guy (or girl) that these games don't mess with you at least a tad. And if you say otherwise, then I have a single question for you there Braveheart...

...can...can I sleep over? With like the lights on?

Please?

-Coyote

((Monday Pimpings!! The new Avast Ye is up and running and ready for your viewing pleasure. Also - please note: I never ever mention other people's birthdays no matter how much these people need their birthday mentioned. Birthdays are private things and people react differently to the day of their birth, so I tread lightly.

Unless someone requests that I mention your birthday, then like Sandor, who is celebrating his birthday today, I STILL SAY NO. I won't point out birthdays - I'm sorry, I just won't do it on today, Sandor's birthday. No matter how much you ask. I have standards. -Coyote))

**UPDATE** The Fire Poker (Eh? EH?) is up to 1500 views, 17 comments (THANK you guys!) and 26 ratings - and one star for not singing asshats aside, I'm still holding a 4.5. If I'm even considered as a contender I'll celebrate by doing something extremely stupid and embarassing for you all to see that I'll regret at a later date. -Coyote

The week in news is slowing to a trickle, I've been too busy to game even in passing, and my inbox has been filling up with questions of a more "personal" nature...

So I took the hint and slapped together a less gaming, more me oriented version of the mailbag in order to answer some of the harder hitting questions that have been piling up.

Because it's all about Mii, or ....my Wii....

...oh...you'll sii - (HA! See what I did there?)

"Uncle Coyote's Bulging Sack of mail.......about him"

"Did you ever get your Wii?"

Yes! I yes I did!

As many an alert reader has pointed out, there are MANY places that sell the Wii that you would never expect a Wii to be sold at. I was told to try my local Blockbuster Video, and at first my response was:

"Um. I don't want a used one. It's probably full of cockroaches."

I blame my mother for this. You see, although we grew up poor we never EVER had cockroaches, which as you know are the armor wearing ants of the inner city. We NEVER had them no matter where we lived, and because of this my mother was on constant RED ALERT for cockroaches.

No matter what you brought home, she'd scream, scramble, and tell you to "take it outside" because it might be full of cockroaches trying to Trojan horse themselves into her fortress via a garage sale knickknack.

So when they told me to try Blockbuster Video I was extremely hesitant. They then explained that no one rents videos or movies any more, so Blockbuster had to expand and they now sell video games and consoles. With EVERY major store and chain sold out in a 100 mile circle around my house, I waltzed into Blockbuster and sure enough...

...the had a Wii.

I bought it, paid for it, and drove home a happy man, so thank you.

(I then took it out on the front porch and shook the shit out of it just in case. Frigging crafty ass cock roaches.)

"Isn't Palin hot? Are you voting for her because it'll put boobs in the White House?"

Compared to every other potential Vice President EVER, yes - she is hot. But do I think that she's the super sexah MILF everyone is making her out to be?

Not so much.

She has Hulk neck.

What is Hulk neck you ask? That's when women in their 40's go nuts with the exercise and dieting and health fads and try to get SUPER IN SHAPE so that they can make their daughters uncomfortable by dressing like them and asking them to call them "Sister" when they go out. It's this hyper active super tight turkey neck where is she were to swallow a large hunk of food you could actually watch it squeeze down her throat like a python eating a bird.

Still, scary Hulk Neck and Fargo accent aside, no - I do not find her attractive, but yes, if given a choice out of which Vice President Hopeful or even Vice President I would ever want to do, she is in first place by a MILE.

....unless Quayle wears his sexy bike shorts.

Then it's him.

"You need to find Jesus, you could expand your readership."

He's missing AGAIN?!

Seriously. Lowjack that guy or at least throw something up on a milk carton. Why does he ALWAYS need finding? Does he have Alzheimer’s? Does he forget who he is, or does he go like insane and think that he's Tom Smith, a retired carpenter from Fresno?

HA! Get it? Because crazy people think that their Jesus, so if JESUS went crazy he'd ...probably..ya know..think..

...

Milk carton. Hehe.

Sorry, right now as a gamer...well... I'm not LFG (Looking For God).

"You have a definite charisma, have you ever considered running for any type of public office?"

No.

I hate politics.

What's more, I hate that when someone asks your opinion on politics or a political topic and you give it, they start yelling and screaming and clawing at the desk because they have the opposite opinion and disagree with you so strongly that they spit and turn red. The truth is, politics are like religion.

Everyone wants to know what your views are so that they can scream at you and cram THEIR views down your neck, or agree with you because you share the same ideas and then offer you a glass of the same flavored kool-aid  that you both enjoy.

The truth is, I'm just not passionate enough about politics to get involved, and for that YOU should be thankful. Do you know the kinds of Chaos I could create if I was ever given ANY type of real power? Seriously, anyone who knows me will tell you that not only do I NOT seek power, I know that I shouldn't have it because the first thing that I'll do is abuse it blatantly for a laugh.

Plus? I don't believe in Democracy or the President. I mean I do, but I wouldn't if *I* were elected. I would be the Supreme Ruler of All and anyone who questioned me or had a difference of opinion would be banished to the Grizzly Pit where they would have to fight angry bears wearing spiked helmets until they saw things my way.

See? No. No politics for me.

...unless you can guarantee that I win and can start construction on the Grizzly Pit. Then I'm in. Where do I sign up?

"How much hate mail or Harry Potter threats do you REALLY get?"

Ahhhh, one of my favorite questions. "Do you really get hate mail?" The answer is a resounding YES!

...but I will admit, it has tapered off quite a bit.

I'm just not controversial. My points and opinions reflect the majority of most geek groupings, I don't write about politics or religion unless I'm mocking them tongue-in-cheek, (Which DOES get the hate mail flowing) and I'm rarely opinionated about any one subject with enough conviction to actually argue my point. And while I still do get the occasional piece of love in my inbox informing me that I'm retarded or at the very least, mentally unbalanced...

It's a trickle now, at best.

Unless I post MEGA-OFFENSIVE PICTURES.......like...say...THIS...

Oh Red-X, how I have missed you.

That choking sound was my manager RadarX swallowing his tongue. Which is good because he's also a source of hate mail.

"You won't get picked for the contest because you fail at being evil. Your application video wasn't evil at all. I would have gone for something darker and scarier because you missed the whole point of being evil."

...

I've gotten a few helpful comments like this from people who have seen the YouTube video of my Evil League of Evil application. I've been told that I don't come across as evil, that it needs to be more dramatic and scary and that I should have chosen a more serious name or super power.

To you helpful folks, I'd like to ask:

ARE YOU EVEN REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH *ANYTHING* JOSS WHEDON HAS DONE?!?

YEESH. The genre isn't about the text book examples of evil, it is the Whedonverse skew of evil and I assure you - in that world I am pretty much Satan with a flaming glove. For the world of Dr. Horrible, my application couldn't get much eviler if I mailed it in a box made out of babies using puppy heads for stamps.

THAT my friends is the true face of EVIL.

It is not I, who have missed the point - I assure you.

Still, I'm waiting for Darammer to take up the cause one of the least popular applicants and start linking to them directly while waving their banner high.

Because if you want evil - THAT is your man right there.

Now go goof off at work or something. It's Friday.

-Coyote

 
 

 

Okay...

That title is a complete fabrication, but it SOUNDS good right?

The truth is, PETA loves video games, they just make really crappy ones in which you're a stupid chicken trying to avoid all of the food industry cruelty so you don't end up deep fried and served with fries. Their games all have morals and messages and horrible skewed propaganda in which they make people who enjoy eating meat out to be the next coming of Hitler.

Who was, by the way, a vegetarian.

Still, lame ass games aside - PETA does hate a certain type of game that I've only seen a few times, but have played the hell out of every time that I've come across them.

The LOBSTER CRANE GAME!

For those of you unfamiliar with the Lobster Crane Game, it is like one of those stuffed animal crane games that they have sitting outside of Pizza Hut or Wal-Mart in which you insert 50 cents, and find out that the game is broken. The claw doesn't open, or only one side opens, or the machine does nothing but laugh at you in it's robotic light blinking language because you just gave it half a buck to sit there and do nothing.

Something that it was doing RIGHT before you got there, for free.

But instead of eventually dispensing a creepy and probably lead-filled Chinese made stuffed animal knock off of your favorite trademarked character, the Lobster Crane Game dispenses...

LOBSTERS.

Which as you may note are not cute by any definition of the word. They have huge claws, beady little eyes, and really weird mouths that you never want to see a close-up of if you plan ever sleeping again.

So if you're given a change to win one of these freakishly expensive morsels for a paltry two bucks outside of JD's Sports Bar in Colorado, you're going to take a chance on it. Right?

At least MAYBE for the chance to torment a lobster right before you eat it? Good, harmless, much deserved lobster torturing fun, right?

WRONG.

The "Lobster Crane" game is a cruel and heartless death machine, and it has to go. So sayeth the nut jobs at PETA. In fact, they even held a PROTEST outside of this guy's bar so that he'd get rid of the machine.

“JD’s Lobster Zone machine turns torture and death into a game, pure and simple,” said PETA Vice President Tracy Reiman."

Well....yeah.

Have you ever SEEN a frigging Lobster?

Look at that alien brain spider THING.

If you're going to eat it, you WANT it to have suffered at least a little bit before it died - kinda like Gladiators in medieval times. They don't get all decked out in spines and giant finger crushing death claws for nothing and it is an insult to pray for a lobster to die peacefully in his sleep. Lobsters are like the creepy stick-eyed Vikings of the water world and dying after a battle with a giant robotic grabber hand is like their greatest honor.

It's how they get to their lobster version of Valhalla. And who are WE to take that away from them because we don't understand their ways?

Lobsters are not cute and cuddly, and I promise you PETA - Lobsters do not give a DAMN about you or I. It has been scientifically proven that lobsters are out to get us, and have only developed those freakishly huge snapping pincers so that they can lob of a careless beach-goer's big toe in one quick slice. Right after brushing up against our leg as we swim so we freak out and start slapping girlishly at our half naked bodies.

Plus they swim all backwards and look like giant bugs just to freak us out.

In fact, EVERYTHING about a lobster SCREAMS "psychological warfare" and if they spend the end of their horrific toe-maiming lives in a giant novelty game before taking that final hot plunge into numminess, then so be it. As long as the evil things DIE.

Hell, I'm not even sure that the Lobster Claw Game *IS* a human device. Have you ever seen one set up? Filled? Restocked? No you haven't, and neither have I because the tanks  kinda smell funny and you don't want to hang around them for too long because they lobsters just back into one corner and judge you with their soulless little lobster stares.

Still, you can't rule out that the Lobster Claw Game isn't some sort of crustacean "Thunder Dome" in which the little piggy toe biters aren't given a last chance to survive should they prove wily enough to escape. Because what you are thinking when you see these games is:

"Alright! I can get a LOBSTER for TWO BUCKS!"

What you are NOT thinking is:

"Wait. I have to stick my hand in the prize recovery box to GET that lobster I just won for two bucks....did....did it have those little rubber bands on its claws?"

And then it's just you against the little black push door of fate as you reach in and hope to god that you didn't get the Mad Max of ocean freak bug things. Because you'll never count to ten without taking off your shoes again.

Still, lobster Valhalla and pain boxes aside, Bar owner Dennis McCann folded.

He thought it was a stupid protest and didn't understand the point of a lobster shack being NICE to lobsters that they were getting ready to dip into perfectly seasoned vats of boiling water, but he took it down anyway. Probably just to get the dirty hippies out of his restaurant because the smell of hairy chick pits and unwashed vegans was grossing out the grizzled dock workers.

Me?

I would have dropped the price to play from two bucks down to one, and put up a sign saying "Please don't play this game because it REALLY pisses off the vegetarians who think that these death bringing alien cockroaches are cuddly".

...

....it would probably have to be in a small font.

-Coyote

((**UPDATE** Special thanks to everyone who has been hotlinking the "The Fire Poker" Evil League of Evil video application...well everywhere. It's been on Tech Comedy (Thanks Spyder), The Official EverQuest II Webpage (thank you Kiara :)  )  The Avast Ye section on DrunkDuck (I knew you loved me Bongo) and now? Currently splash paged on Wonderflonium. 

I'll keep updating as I find them, but thank you all. If I even qualify I'll...I'll...poke something. -Coyote))

**Oh, and check out Brasse's new comic... and why I will never hit level 20 as an Orc. We goof around WAY too much :)

 

Or is it the OLD new Star Trek movie?

I dunno, I get confused easily - but no matter how you slice it, another one is coming, it's coming quickly...and there has been little chatter about it.

ESPECIALLY given the fact that they have a nice little teaser trailer up.

Now as a member of the Geek Royalty, (I defy you to dispute the fact that I am a Royal Geek) I have no other choice than to be a Star Trek fan. Not knowing Star Trek would mean that I would miss an infinite number of inside jokes and references, miss out on connecting even more deeply with my peers, and most importantly of all...

...be robbed of the opportunity to flip up my cell phone while pretending it is a communicator and striking a dramatic Kirk pose.

Which as you already know, we've all done.

Don't bother denying it.

And while I am a fan of both the original and its spin-offs, I in no way consider myself a "hardcore" Trekkie or Trekker or whatever the freaks call themselves. Still, even with my knowledge of Star Trek floating around in my library of all things geek, I'm amazed that no one has brought up or pointed out the above trailer or the CAST list for the movie that debuts next May.

I mean LOOK at this list!

Cast

Captain James T. Kirk - Chris Pine

...okay

I've never heard of him, so I can't get really excited. But he's got that whole Dawson's Creek thing going on so ...

...

....wow. This isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I just hope he doesn't sing that "I don't wanna wait" song and brood through the whole movie in front of a moonlit lake as he talks to Uhura about his feelings.

...

Moving RIGHT along.

Spock - Zachary Quinto

OH YEAH BABY! SYLAR REPRESENTING!

How cool is that?! Aside from already looking like an alien or serial killer, or constipated Vulcan, he's already got some geek cred going for him from Heroes.

Plus? IT IS SYLAR! So like when he "mind melds" instead of just slapping down a sweaty palm on your kisser and spreading his fingers into a "V" he cuts off the top of your head with telekinesis and pokes around in your thinking jelly in order to logically solve your problems.

And while I know that this doesn't technically follow any path in any series - I hope that by the end of the movie Spock realizes the potential in Kirk and acknowledges his role as Alpha Male. And then he cuts off Kirk's skull lid and pokes around in HIS brain before becoming the TRUE Captain of the enterprise.

Because...yeah baby. Sylar.

Scotty - Simon Pegg

Okay, he's like 50 and balding...and...English, not Scottish as the name "Scotty" would imply..but...

Dude, it's SHAUN OF THE DEAD!

If there is anyone you want working the transporter and disintegrating and reconstructing your molecules for instant teleportation and travel, it's the slacker dude from ShaUn of The Dead.

..right? Guys?

Uhura - Zoe Saldana

She's...uh...she played in...she was that...

...

She's black! Eh? EH? Uhura was black, she's black...and...

HEY! Look! She knows Orlando Bloom!

Okay. I have nothing.

They're making a new Star Trek movie prequel that doesn't have Shatner in it even in passing, using new faces and little known stars as the main cast. And while the crew listing does have at least one "A-list" celebrity on it, it's Wynona Ryder who as far as I know is a vegan hippy tree hugger stoner who probably still shop lifts for attention.

No WONDER I haven't heard much about the movie.

Still...I'm actually looking forward to it. Star Trek doing a prequel in itself is ground breaking. Not because all of the original actors are old, or dead, or have a cheesy fake Hollywood laugh like Queer-Eye-For-The-George-Takei, but because we get to see a bit more of the back story as we enjoy yet another Star Trek film gracing the big screen.

The gritty realism of building the Enterprise. The nervous and wide eyed crew seeing their ship for the first time. Sylar killing people and picking apart their brains for trivial knowledge because he's too lazy to ask where the bathroom is...

...

...yeah. Nothing. I've got nothing. That and NO Kirk.

Set your phasers to SUCK.

-Coyote

((Regretful Pimpings: As you all know, there is NO shame on the internet. There is no modesty, shame, or self-conscious worry about anything that I say or do here. I give you who I am, and I do so without reluctance.

Until today that is.

You see, The Evil League of Evil is accepting applications...and in order to join them (Yes, it is real.) you have to apply both in letter and in ...video...

If accepted you'll become part of the Dr. Horrible DVD when it is released. If you're not, you'll get made into a mare.

So either way it's a win for me and in fearing one of you will find it and link it anyway, I bring you MY submission to the Evil League of Evil for the contest.

...

Be nice, you heartless bastards...

-Coyote ))

I wasn't a fan of Gears of War.

The whole "alien war" genre with the gritty and tough Mercenary with an attitude saving the day has just gotten old.

We get it.

He's tough and mean and doesn't follow orders but when push comes to shove that's who you want fighting the war for you. He's misunderstood and even though he's going against orders and ignoring his commanding officers in the end he was right and THAT is why we are alive and not poking out the poop shoot of an three eyed alien cow. WE GET IT.

Of course, in the real world this would never happen. He'd be court marshaled and sent to jail and stuck behind bars he'd be an easy meal for an army of Martian cockroaches or whatever they send to clean out the jail cells. And even if he DID escape he'd still be killed because no one keeps a big trunk unlocked trunk full of weapons 11 feet from a prison full of war criminals.

But I digress.

So when the original gears of war finally made it to PC - I wasn't impressed. There were just too many controls to attempt comfortably with a keyboard, the mappings were a nightmare, the "duck and cover and hide behind" technology was a nausea inducing bob-and-weave through every level and the entire game felt CLUNKY. I didn't enjoy playing it, I didn't connect with any of the cookie-cutter characters, and I HATE blowing away aliens and monsters that have no realistic basis more than anything.

I don't care how tough you are, a pop to the head with a shotgun should kill you, or at least make you stop and think about your current situation before the symbiote that controls your corpse like a giant meat puppet sends you back into battle. No one should just shrug it off with a spray of blood from unseen wounds because they're on a higher level than other game characters.

You should ALWAYS have that hope of a head shot ruining a bad guy’s day.

So I didn't care for Gears of War, which I've been told by the Halo crowd makes me "old" and someone who should "go back to playing Pac-man".

Kids.

And now Gears of War II has been announced, and while I had no intention of ever playing, trying, or buying the game - that is no longer a worry that I need to consider, because I'm a PC gamer.

And Gears of War II will *NOT* be coming to the PC.

Because of filthy pirates.

Cliff Bleszinski, lead game designer for Epic games had this to say...

"Here's the problem right now; the person who is savvy enough to want to have a good PC to upgrade their video card, is a person who is savvy enough to know bit torrent to know all the elements so they can pirate software. Therefore, high-end videogames are suffering very much on the PC."

...

...That's right! If you are smart enough to know that your computer might not handle the next and newest game release, you're smart enough to steal the game! Wanting a better computer makes you a Pirate so Ipso Facto, anyone who KNOWS that the computer can't handle a game is just going to steal it anyway.

So why bother to make it for a platform that is just going to steal it anyway, right?

WRONG. And this is why I hate the current views on Piracy so frigging much.

I know Pirates. I know people who illegally download video games, burn them to DVD and play them without EVER purchasing the game, or having intention of purchasing the game. I know people who have entire COLLECTIONS of games that have been pirated and what's more...

THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL CONSOLE GAMERS!

The Myth that ending computer gaming will end computer piracy is just retarded. The biggest pirates I know are the least tech SAVVY people that I know. They get a mod chip installed in their console, get thrown a few sites that have the downloads and burn their own modded versions of the CONSOLE games for CONSOLE.

The only involvement on the PC is actually getting the games for the console.

High End Videogames are suffering on the very much on the PC, not because of Piracy - but because PC's are a pain in the ass to make games for. Different cards, different setups, operating systems, system parameters - all of these things have to be taken into consideration and addressed so that a shrinking playerbase has the least amount of issue possible in installing your product.

Wherein if you have a console game, you make the game for one platform, one setup, and NO one has a problem unless your game is flawed.

Say what it is - don't take a cop out and blame the anonymous Boogeyman Pirates (Side note to rant, Boogeyman Pirates would make an awesome band name) for ruining it for everyone. Put the blame where it truly lies, with the pain in the ass mechanics.

Saying that someone who knows that their computer needs an upgrade is someone inclined to pirate software is like saying that someone who wants a faster car is more inclined to be the get away driver when robbing a bank.

Stop making criminals out of the minority among gamers and spreading fear and blame and lies as reason for your actions. Tell the TRUTH: Gears of Wars II will not make it to PC because Gears of War I SUCKED and got horrible scores.

Luckily for me, I had no intention of playing the game at all. Still, the above statement slapping back some of the blame to the PC gamer because of the easily accusable phantom pirates was just frigging lame.

PC gaming offers the TRUE gamer things that console gaming simply cannot. Things like:

* Better Graphics

* Extended Game Play and Replay Value

* Privacy When Looking At Really Weird Internet Porn

Kinda hard to get your spank on in the family room on the Wii, isn't it? No one wants to look at boobs with Grandma napping on the couch behind them.

BEHOLD! I give to you the salvation of PC Gaming and the ONE thing that will keep games on the computer where they belong.

Porn.

Is there ANYTHING it can't do?

-Coyote

 

Jack Thompson has been disbarred.

You heard me. He's done. Finito. Finished. Jack Thompson is NO MORE. His career is D-E-D dead and what's more...

It's forever.

For-Ev-Er.

The ruling came down last week that John Bruce "Jack" Thompson is to be disbarred for LIFE and never again allowed to practice law, or even say the word law lest he be given a hefty fine and a smack in the chops. Needless to say...

I'm crushed.

Like reaching the end of a good book, or finishing a movie that you've come to love, I'm sad to see Whacko Jacko go, because he's given us so much material over the years. In fact, I'm feeling a little bit bad for the guy, and maybe a tad guilty - so we're going to help him out today with...

"Five New Jobs For Jack Thompson.....now that he's been disbarred....FOR-EV-ER"

I know. Long ass title.

Bite me.

Scary Street Vagrant

Job Description: That weird guy with the matted beard who picks cans out the trash and occasionally shakes his fist at the sky because the birds are trying to steal his thoughts.

You know the dude.

You felt bad for him once, and in attempts to lessen the burden of his tragic and strife filled existence you offered him a five dollar bill - which he promptly grabbed and ATE and then began calling you names because you look like the guy who put the mind worms in his head back in 'Nam?

Yeah. Him.

Why this would be the perfect job: Because Jack Thompson is already close to the breaking point, and it would be funny to see him go over the edge.

Not "funny" in that whole "Powerful lawyer turned raving street lunatic because of his own actions" kinda way, but funny in the "point and laugh at his misfortune before waving a copy of PC Gamer in his face and letting him chase you around the park while giggling" way.

Immature? Maybe.

Petty and Childish? If you're into labels, sure.

Beneath us?  Oh...oh honey, you haven't been reading this column long have you? Well welcome, have a seat over there and some hot chocolate. You'll be spilling it in disgust soon enough before stomping off and writing angry letters.

Does this make us the baddest? The Meanest?

Sho'nuff

Sous Chef

Job Description: A Sous Chef is the second in command of any kitchen and helps control when the big Chef isn't around. People have to listen to him and do what he says until the Master Chef gets back and tell him to "lighten up Francis".

Why this would be the perfect job:

Because you pronounce "Sous" as "Sue" and Jack Thompson used to SUE everyone and anything under the sun. It would be like one of those Ironic nicknames like a fat guy named slim or like rain on your wedding day.

Or good advice that you just didn't take.

As a Sous Chef Jack Thompson would get some power over people who hated him and would probably be pelted with carrots from time to time. Plus as a disbarred lawyer, his name would be a constant reminder that he was once able to practice law, but now he can't because he had to be a douche bag and throw away his life and career and now he's stuck making cream of broccoli soup.

Plus? I bet his tears would flavor the soup and make it taste even nummier if you're a gamer. Geeks would come from miles just to have him cry into their food so that they could enjoy the tasty unfathomable sorrow of his tears.

He would be the Scott Tenorman of soup.

Action Movie Star

Job Description: A rough and tumble no-nonsense Ex-Lawyer turned kick ass gun touting vigilante for justice. He'd kill bad guys, sling lead like a malfunctioning pencil press and spout off catch phrases like:

"Law? I AM THE LAW...or..I used to argue it legally but now I can't because I sent nudie pictures of dudes doing it to Federal Judges..."

...okay. We're still working on the catch phrase, but there would be explosions and babes and violence the likes of which you have never seen.

Why this would be the perfect job: It is with some reluctance that I have to admit, Jack Thompson has a kick-ass ex-cop-on-the-edge name. It is just one of those names that sounds like he had a big bowl of Raisin Bran Baby Crunch for breakfast, and washed it down with a half dozen still lit cigar stubs.

And now that he can no longer practice law, ever again, even in Alabama where they don't even HAVE laws, it's time for him to give back and stop sullying a cool ass name like Jack Thompson. The courts have given him two years to make restitution by staring in a mega blockbuster action movie in which he has to kick down doors and blow the smoke out of the barrels of a sawed off shotgun.

Whether of not this movie has to star Steven Segal is still under negotiation.

Giddem Johnny

Job Description: The "Giddem Johnny" is the role of unseen accelerate to situation, and it often goes unacknowledged or noticed. But don't let the fact that you've never heard of it dissuade you, or make you draw into question its validity on this list.

The Giddem Johnny is a crucial part of any tense situation and is often the only catalyst to truly spark change. Like in the Karate Kid when the young blonde bully from the Cobra Kai dojo is getting ready to pummel the snot of Daniel. The scene is tense, there is nervousness in Johnny's eyes and you can tell that for just an instant that he's second guessing his actions. Should he beat up on this kid, is violence necessary - even justified? Is he being true to his chosen path and it's teachings?

Then someone in the background yells "Giddem Johnny!" and BLAMO!

Ralph Malph has to explain a black eye to his mother who was (Verified through internet rumor) the same age as him.

Why this would be the perfect job: Jack Thompson has made a career out of causing trouble and then just sitting back and watching it unfold with smug satisfaction. As a "Giddem Johnny" he could continue this trend without the worry of getting in trouble for instigating, antagonizing or practicing any type of law (WHICH HE IS BANNED FROM DOING, AGAIN, FOR-EV-ER).

And even if it IS traced back to him he could just shrug and say:

"I just said "giddem"."

And there wouldn't be anything they could do about it except for think that he's a weasely douchebag - which if you'll note - he totally is.

Win / Win

Video Game Reviewer

Job Description: The pinnacle of geek jobs that we all strive for. Game Reviewer is right up there with "Pimp" and "TSA on HOOTERS AIRLINE".

'cause...ya know. You get to FRISK'em. Frisk. Awww yeah.

A Video Game Reviewer gets games sent to him, gets to play them, and THEN gets to review them so that we all know which games to try and which ones are The Matrix Online or Vanguard.

(HA! See what I did there?)

Why this would the perfect job: It WOULDN'T! Not without the most mind-blowing twist you've ever seen since you found out that Bruce Willis was a GHOST the whole time in The Sixth Sense.

Ready?

Jack Thompson KNOWS what video games are good. He knows which ones kick the most ass are  the most fun to play. But he doesn't KNOW that he knows. He considers them disgusting, or perverse, or too violent for the world and wants them banned.

So when we give him a crap-load of games to test, we take the ones that offended him the MOST and hype the hell out of them because you KNOW that they have to be good.

Right?

BRILLIAN eh? BRILLANT!

As long as ol' Johnny B. doesn't catch on that we're using his powers for GOOD, he'll be happy, we'll be happy and the gaming world can only prosper by using his negativity for a positive result! THIS is why you bastards should vote for me as President.

I'm frigging CRAFTY.

-Coyote

(Monday Pimpings! The new Avast Ye is up, so git over there and see it. Also - special mega thanks to Taea for the idea used today. If you like it, she did a good job. If it sucked, it was all her fault. Yay for cop-outs.)

 

Good and Evil.

Darkness and Light.

The vanilla and chocolate sides to a half moon cookie...

Even in the pitch black of evil, the light of good always shines through - no matter HOW cliché or annoying it is. Some people just won't acknowledge their own nature and instead opt for the goodie-goodie side of things, just in case there IS an after life in which they have to pay for their actions.

Wusses.

Like the forces of Destruction, these tree hugging bunny kissers who follow Order get three choices of race to choose from, should they go the sweater vest and clean finger nails route.

Dwarves

The women don't have beards.

I just thought I would point this out, because as I played around with the character creator I realized that I couldn't give the chick a big ol' set of Gramma Whiskers and thought immediately of Brasse. Or more directly, thought of Brasse's poor computer being hurled into the streets and stomped on in a drunken rage. Instead of the normally bearded look, they instead opted for "Fat German Strudel Maker"  with bad accents right out of a Mel Brooks movie.

Still, they got the men right.

These aren't your normal dwarves toiling away in the mines and shacking up with some pale chick who chokes on apples. These are gun touting, pierced and tattooed beer drinkers who slug you in the nuts first and ask questions later.

Surly, tough, and able to make gun sentries and gadgets, Dwarves are mean little bastards and the sworn enemy of the Green Skins. (Who call them stunties. Hehe. Stunty.)

Who plays a Dwarf?

Brasse for one, and honestly that might be an unfair advantage to the race on it's own.

As for other people, Dwarf is the logical choice for a player who wants to play on the side of "good" but doesn't want to go with the other two lame-ass choices. Humans are boring, creating a High Elf immediately signs you up for PETA, and Dwarves are crude brawlers who get drunk all of the time.

It isn't exactly a HARD choice.

They might look like goofy extras from a fat camp production of the Wizard of Oz, but you get a group of these heavily armored speed bumps waddling towards you and you're in for a world of trouble.

They're like R2D2 on steroids. And drunk. And smelling vaguely like ham.

The Empire

Empire is a polite way of saying "Human" without looking like a politically incorrect asshole. And while I could go into the background, strengths and weakness of the race and the fact that all of the casters look like the Heat Miser from that creepy claymation Christmas special...

...I won't.

We all know about the human race and without even looking up any lore I can tell you that it is always the same. Good humans, bad humans, strife and betrayal, perseverance and overcoming flaws, cuppa tea cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea.

Humans are humans, and as we all know they are the Vanilla Ice-cream of the world of Baskin Robins. Instead we will focus on the one surprising aspect of Warhammer humans and how it affects game play: namely, boobs.

Seriously - look at the cherries on THAT sundae. Holy HELL.

She either has a fused spine or the back strength of a redwood tree to lug those puppies around. What's with the defiance of gravity? Has she suddenly been thrust into space? Is it even possible to GET into a sword fight with those things playing bongos with your chin?

Answer: WHO CARES?

They make me happy and that is all that matters.

That and the guys REALLY make me want to do the Heat Miser dance.

Who plays a human?

More people than you'd expect.

Warhammer online must have sensed that we'd be jaded over the plain-janeness of humans in online games, so they gave them some REALLY cool classes.

Witch Hunters who dress like Puritans and cleanse the earth of heathens, pagans, and people who don't believe that hippies can glide across ponds like they're wearing heelies; Magic users with flaming beards and massive "bed head" ; Some other class that I can't be bothered to look up because I'm still singing the heat miser song...

Humans have a LOT to offer the game and are a nice twist to a usually plain class.

Plus, ya know.

Big boobs.

High Elves

GELFLING!

Keep it away! KEEP IT AWAY! GELFLING!!

...

...hehe..

Sorry.

Ahem.

High Elves are the long lived and wise caretakers to the world. They stand tall and regal, they observe the passage of time, and their women look like freaky bug people. They don't so much as "mate", but rather they "lay spiny eggs in your throat" so that a fresh young baby High Elf can rip through your rib cage and hiss at your friends. Right before staring at them disapprovingly and thrusting their tiny little baby noses in the air.

The snooty librarians of any gaming world, High Elves are exactly as you'd expect them to be: Pricks. They blame all of the world's problems on everyone else, sniff disdainfully at all of the "lesser" races and go back to sewing pointy white hats for their next meeting on "Ethnic Cleansing". They are purest vegan tree hugging hippies of the worst kind - and they have an army.

Goose-stepping to the beat of their own little drummer, the most infuriating thing about the High Elves is the fact that they're REALLY good in battle. They're quicker, braver and more trained than most and when they get it into their mind that you need to be fought...

...the rebel flags and gun rack filled pickup trucks come tear assing out of every forest that you thought was empty with their horns blaring like the General Lee.

Who plays a High Elf?

I have no clue.

Despite the fact that they are intelligent, amazing in combat, and prone to wearing robes and wiggling fingers - I can't imagine playing a High Elf. They're just too hoity-toity and holier than thou. It's kind of like when you and your friends all get together for a Facts of Life LARP...

...no one EVER wants to be Blaire.

Sure she was perceived as "hot" but everyone knew she was a stuck up bitch and that Jo was probably the only one who even put out. Her or Tootie, who just HAD to be a freak in the sack - if you could get past the baked bean and chili fetish that earned her that nickname.

Still, they have some merit. Surprisingly powerful in combat, quick and lithe - High Elves shouldn't be over looked, just watched. Closely. Especially if they start talking about "Oktoberfest" and driving Volkswagens, IF you get my drift.

So there you have the races of Warhammer Online, and the sides of Order and Destruction that they fight for. The game itself is still alluring and I'm finding more and more aspects of it that appeal to me past the initial hype of a new game.

I'll reserve judgment for another week or so and instead focus on the mechanics of the game. I'll take the good, take the bad, take them all and then I'll have...

...

....a rating and no life.

Kill me. Please.

-Coyote

(Please note. I NEVER ONCE PARTICIPATED IN A FACTS OF LIFE LARP! That was a typo, and I refuse to be Natalie, who was basically their version of Porkins.)