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I want a pet.

Not any pet mind you, but a Norrathian pet.

See, in game I have dozens of pets divvied nicely between my characters. Monkeys play nicely with cats and roam around my living space happily, almost carefree as they refrain from breaking items and throwing their own feces at each other. They never bite strangers who visit my room - although I would probably pay extra for a pet that would because that's pretty amusing. They co-exist peacefully and most importantly, the room doesn't reek of ammonia and no one poops on my pillow.

In general, there is only one "pet" in EverQuest that sucks.

The "scare" crow.

Yeah. That's right. I said it. I've had enough of that oily black reject from an Edgar Allen Poe poem making me afraid to enter my own room. Now, while I am *partially* to blame for the fear, lemme fully explain the situation to those of you who might not be familiar with the "SCARE" CROW.

The "Scare" Crow was a reward for finishing one of the lovely and fun instances you could enter during Halloween. It was a "haunted house" that was full of giant spiders, rats, zombies, and a lazy ghostly servant who couldn't cross over to the "other side" until you cleaned the house for him. (Side note - Vengeance is a good reason for not crossing over. Hatred is also a good reason. A messy frelling house? How boring was this guy in LIFE that his one task left unfulfilled so that he could rest peacefully was dusting a god damn bookshelf?)

Once you cleared the house of pests, tidied up a bit, and oh yeah - took care of the GRAVEYARD IN THE ATTIC, (basement people, BASEMENT. Bodies go in the BASEMENT.) you were rewarded with a "Scare" crow that you could place in your room as a pet.

What people didn't realize at first was the fact that scare crow would randomly generated a "Pop up" on your scream in which a rotting corpse would lunge at you while you were checking your sell board and sipping peacefully from a glass of Pepsi with your head phones on.

Many a pair of pants were ruined by the..um..pepsi. Yeah. The soda.

Now, once I found out that OTHER people could see the horrible rotting zombie slap it's self against their monitor when they visited my room, I smiled like the grinch when he got HIS evil plan and quickly ran out and got a "scare" crow with every one of my characters.

Giving everyone of my characters "trustee" access to my room, I ran about the apartment "clip dropping" them. Basically, where the walls were buggy I would place a crow. The room would swallow it so that it couldn't be seen and I would have a five times greater chance at having a visitor scream like a girl when they came into my room.

And it worked. Oh mama did it work. I'd invite people up, and they'd nosily root through my room comparing my possessions to their own and BOO! They'd start spinning, or back peddling, or trying to cast spells on the zombie that only they could see.

And I'd laaaaugh. Oh gods how I would laugh. Then they'd leave and I'd look for a new victim.

Lemme tell ya. That well ran dry quickly. Soon no one would visit my room and the fact that I would FORGET about the zombies myself quickly took the novelty out of my prank.

So I gathered up the crows, all four of them, and sold them on my trader.

That's right. All four. There was one that the room swallowed completely. I tried all of the tricks, claimed all my items several times, but I never got that last crow back. Figuring it was a glitch I wrote it off as a loss and completely forgot about him.

Until the other day when he popped.

It was late and I was TIRED. I ran up to my room to drop a few things into the house vault when out of the blue a rotting corpse cackled as it tried to reach through the monitor at me.

Normally, I'm not the jumpy type at all. But let me tell you brother - When a rotting zombie cackles madly into your headset when you are half awake and leaning in REALLY close to the monitor out of exhaustion?

I spilled Pepsi all over the front of my pants....even though I wasn't drinking Pepsi, if you get my drift.

I think I'm selling my apartment today and moving to a less haunted locale.

If anyone wants to find me, I've just purchased that old place in Amityville. Maybe now I can get some rest.

-Coyote

 Okay in general I only play three of the races that are currently available in EverQuest II;Kerra - Because giant cat people are just plain cool. Sure, you have plenty of Thundercats running around, and three quarters of the Kerra population are people named Kittty McPurrPurr or Meowmixplz D'liver, but the race on whole is just cool. Feline grace, strength and size, and best of all they are the absolute polar opposite of Frogloks, whom I hate.Human - Call me a purist, but this is the class I relate to most, plus on the plus side - no one usually PLAYS a Human, and I can make characters that look like me. This way when I die, I can sit back and reflect on my life, my avatar's death, and then write a song about why "death is like a fallen leaf" while wearing black and listening to German trance.Ogre - The big dumb lugs are just fun. I don't think I'm capable of effectively role-playing an "evil" race, but you take one of these piles of muscle, give it a three year old's out look on life and let the loose on the world? Muuuahahhhahah.That being said, I'm very happy with those three races. They are perfect for me and truly enhance my game play. But it kinda leaves questions and personal opinions about the other races that I would love addressed. Such as;Barbarians - Can we just say "taller humans" and be done with it? Sure, your women have Grade A cans, but other than being tall and busty...aren't you just human? Sure, yer used to the cold and what not - but we have tall humans who are used to the cold here on earth and we don't categorize THEM differently. What makes you so damn special? The woad? Is it the woad? Oooh..look! I can draw on my face! Yeah? Well so can my cousin Terry. He's tall and likes the cold and draws on his face, but we don't call him "Barbarian", we call him "Special". Dark Elves - The women are sexy and the men are named Drzzt, Drizzitt, Drizzyt and oddly enough, Hector. Male Dark Elves are the Emo race of Norrath. If you had a dungeon named "Hot Topic" it would need 93 separate instances just to support the rush of misunderstood loners.Dwarves - Are actually pretty cool, and would be a race I'd be interested in playing if the women didn't have beards. Look, I'll spell this out for you. I'm a 31 year old gamer geek. I play games like this to ESCAPE WOMEN WITH FULL BEARDS. Stop slapping reality back into my game damn it.Erudites - Like Trolls, I will say nothing bad. Not out of fear, but out of the off chance that they'll look at me with their crackhead eyes. I know that they are supposed to be scholars and masters and all brilliant and stuff but they come across like junkies. If an Erudite ran up on me and asked me for a copper, I'd throw my whole coin purse at them and beg them not to mug me. You don't get eyes like that from reading, I'm sorry.Froglok - Whose idea was it to give them Shakespearean flair? Do you know how many thee's and thou's and thus's are in the Shakespearean dialect? "TH" in general requires lips and a tongue that isn't ninety feet long and covered in bugs. This is either a really mean joke, or a really funny one depending on how my hatred for them swings that day. Plus, do they HAVE to hop EVERYWHERE? We get it - yer a big frog - but come on, you stand UPRIGHT. Evolution dictates that if you finally develop in such a way that you walk on two legs, you don't hop EVERWHERE you go. It’s annoying and I think that they're doing it on purpose. Also, please note - every Froglok ever created has a name like Hoppy McFly or Kurmet D'phrog. These are obviously the only names that the filter will allow. If you try to put in anything else it'll get rejected.Gnomes - Do they ALL have to look like Egon from "The Real Ghostbusters" animated series? These little egg head geniuses are supposed to be the frelling "Mensa" of EverQuest, but instead blow all of their research grants on coming up with names like "Cogblocker" and "Foshozzle My'nozzle". Small hands, smell like cabbage - say no more.Half Elves - Humans for Humans who don't want to feel lame playing Humans, but know that the other races suck. I can't really find much fault with Half Elves because they are so generic that there is really nothing to hate. So other than the few billion "Tanis" incarnations running around they're really not that bad.Halfling - Classic DnD Haffers. A pudgy hairy footed race of happy little cookie bakers who feel more like your chubby Aunt Mary than an adventurer. ......So what's with the bald gene? Seriously. Do they ALL have to have bad combovers and shiny domes? And let’s not even TALK about facial hair. What is it about being bald that makes you spike a three feet wide mustache or grow Wolverine sideburns? Dude, yer three foot tall and almost two hundred pounds - the only "Snick" yer getting is in your daily diet of snickers bars. Shave and shave now, because you look ridiculous. Also, if you are a Halfling and your name is any variant of "Frodo", Roekilik assassins should come out of nowhere when you least expect it and kick you in the nads.High Elves - I know! Let’s make a race of snobs! Every other race should get a special day of the week dedicated to beating the hell out of High Elves. Granted, I know NOTHING of the race, but I just KNOW that they are looking down on me and I cannot STAND it. Iksar - Frogloks with attitude. More the reason to hate them, but at least they don't hop everywhere. Still, there's something about the Sleestak that bug me, but I just can't put my finger on it. Do they have naughty parts? I mean they HAVE to have naughty parts right? But they are big Lizards and Lizards don't have any obvious pokey parts that stick out. Hmmm..maybe that's why they walk funny.Ratonga - EM EYE SEE (See what? You're wearing the little glasses from The Three Blind Mice. What could you POSSIBLY see? Hey Morpheus - lose the shades and wake up to the reality that your race SUCKS.) KAY EE WHY (Why? WHY god WHY? They are like inbred gnomes. Names like Mikey and Mickee and Jerry and Squeakers. If I had my way, high level Ranger traps would look like giant mouse traps and ONLY work on Ratonga.) EL AY EM EE OOOOH. Trolls - Scare me. I have nothing nasty to say or ask about Trolls. Just please don't smile at me. Ever.Wood Elves - Go wash your face. Forest cameo only works if you are in the FORREST and not clinking around in pink armor. At least you guys finally got the concept of "railings" in your little tree cities. Sure, it only took 500 years, but what do you expect from a race that rubs droppings on their face so that they can "hide" better.So, for what it's worth - that's my view on the races. Some are good, some are bad, but I think we can all agree on one thing;Frogloks REALLY need to stop hopping. I mean it.-Coyote
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 What's with the new urge to make everything that people find even remotely interesting or popular into an MMORPG?Will someone please explain to me the lure of new up-and-coming game worlds such as;Hello Kitty! Online!Or as much as I hate to spotlight it...even my belovedAfrica OnlineAnd before you go into the whole "Aimed at Kids" or "Cultural Expansion" diatribes, lemme huck a few facts at yer head.* The Average age of MMO players is 27+* Cultural fun and Learning games are only popular when you are in school, bored, and "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" is only slightly more fun that paying attention in class.* Hello Kitty is more popular with adults and the Anime crowd than it IS children.* Violence is key in MMORPG's. Don't take that away from us, its all we HAVE.* As I'm typing this someone is going "Heeey, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego WAS fun damn it!I just don't get it. Sure, I understand the lure of an MMORPG, probably better than most - but in the race to be the "newest" and most "innovative" new game out there, some reeeaaalllly "OUT THERE" gaming ideas are popping up.Like Oz World for example. Oz World's WHOLE Hierarchy is based on FISHING! Yay! Fishing! You want to meet people? You want to grow as a character, become an icon? Leveling, character development, social standings - they all begin and end with online...fishing. That sounds like..um..fun. Wait! If I get FRIENDS in a GROUP, we can fish better and faster?! The only thing that is better than online virtual fishing is FASTER ONLINE VITURAL FISHING!!/boggleOkay. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just being picky, or elitist, or I'm getting older and not understanding why you damn kids have to listen to your music so loud and wear your pants around your knees. I'll accept that if you tell me that my being OLD is the reason that believe thousands will be flocking to play;Second Life - A game in which there are no goals - save the ones you, the player create. Build houses, make friends, and look like ANYTHING and ANYONE you want. You want to be Boba Fett, who is married to Laura Croft who lives on an island populated by smurfs? ANYTHING is possible in this non-linear game. Just...do stuff. Okay, granted - at first all of that freedom and lack of structure sound enticing, but I'm sorry, games need SOME direction. Just creating an avatar and milling about may be fun for the first few minutes, but after the twentieth naked skin map runs by, or Mr. Burns from the Simpsons hits you up for resources, its going to get old really fast.Who is telling these people that these games are really good ideas? MMORPG'S are becoming like the Police Academy movies. The first two were great, but after that even Steve Guttenburg bailed.And when Steve Guttenburg bails - baby that is a *sign*. That's like Tony Danza turning down a role to play a hard working yet loveable guy named "Tony".Sure, the variety needs to be there, and don't get me wrong - I know that we need new games. The genre has barely been touched, and the current worlds we inhabit have a strangle-hold on the whole niche.Vanguard, Tabula Rasa, Exanimus, even the upcoming Star Trek Online - all seem to be good ideas, solid games.But just because something was popular for a few minutes - or was a good movie or book, doesn't mean its going to translate into a good game. Once the novelty of making your character "Legolasss" in the Hello Kitty world wears off, you're going to look around and realize just how watery everything is becoming......and then..like me - you're going to shake your head, regret the change and go BACK to play "Naughty America". (Hehe. I can't link it. Its just too naughty.)-Coyote viagraxanax tablet

I have a friend who will only play female characters in MMORPG's. He always picks the most attractive and lithe races and spends insane amounts of time and care on physical generation. The hair has to be "just so", as do the eyes, the lips - right down to the character's height.

Now normally, being the sensitive and politically correct guy that I am, I would just tease him about his habits and make really offensive jokes in really poor taste, but the other night he sent me a mistell that brought his entire world into shocking clarity.

It was a *naughty* mistell.

It was a *really* naughty mistell.

And it was a really naughty mistell from the FEMALE perspective.

At first I was just a tad shocked, and instantly thought that he was trying to mess with me - because that's what my friends do, they mess with me. In fact, they screw with me to the point that I constantly check my back for "kick me" signs, even when I'm alone. Haha..I love my friends.

"Dude, are you cybering as a CHICK?" I asked laughing, expecting the obvious answer of "Gotcha" or some lame come on.

Instead I was shocked as he replied with a very sheepish "lol..yeah. sorry."

This of course spun me like a top. A zillion questions flooded my mind as I sat, barely blinking, as I stared at my monitor. Forcing myself to focus, I took all of my thoughts and feelings and jammed them into a single, poorly written question.

"Why?" I asked, hoping that the question was direct enough.

He proceeded then to unravel his entire gaming strategy on me, explaining to me where it started, and how he began his long and illustrious life as a Cyber Hussy.

He plays female characters because, as he puts it "Who wants to look at a guy's ass for hours on end?" Thus, his own insecurities forced his hand as he began making characters that he WOULD want to look at for hours on end. However, in doing so he inadvertently made characters that OTHER males would want to look at for hours on end - especially if they thought a REAL woman was behind the avatar.

It began harmless enough. He would play his character, level up, kill things - just like the rest of us.

It wasn't until he joined a guild that his life as a "Textitute". See, my friend has a RL name that is pretty unisex - and since he plays a female character, a few of his guildies started referring to him as her.

"I didn't notice at first - and I was about to correct someone when he ran up and gave me three plat." He confided, stressing that I can't reveal who he is.

"Dude. Three plat - for being a chick? I never corrected him, and I never really cybered or anything, and the free stuff just kept coming." He laughed as I called him a Hewhore.

He's since honed his craft - and left his guild. He has two characters that he is known on as being male, and both are guilded, but his other, lesser known avatars are out there, and he's playing them like the world's most talented grifter.

He never finds a mark - they find him. He'll flirt, emote, and in all ways play a female. He never claims to be when he gives his real name - but by the same token, he never claims not to be. When it starts getting to the cyber part, he'll string them along like a pro.

"I drop little hints like, "I can't right now, I need this much money for THIS, or I need this for that. Most of the time they'll offer me the money or item to help "save time". Two minutes of playing and I've got gear and plat that would have taken weeks of work." He admits as I get a bit skeeved out.

And he's even "been with" a few of our mutual friends who have no clue that he is who he is.

Is it wrong? Yeah. I'm guessing on a few levels, some of which make me do little hornky faces.

Is it illegal? Newp - its private chat and he never solicits. We go after HIM.

Is it funny? Yup, and damn smart in that whole "Oh god I can taste my spleen - I'm gunna hurl" kinda way.

So the next time you feel like getting your freaky Font on - just remember this;

"And dude, I'm not the only one. I know like three other guys who do the same thing!"

.....

Yeah. I just peed a little.

-Coyote

The End is Near...

EverQuest 2  - Another Live Update is on the horizon and the Doomsayers have already started making their signs.

 

 Now I understand the fear of change, or the annoyance of having an in-game ability changed or altered in a way where it is no longer as advantageous as it once was to use, I really do.

But what bugs me are the people who get mad - hell, down right indignant at the changes and;
* Threaten to quit

* Predict that THIS will be the downfall of the game

* Point out that it was a mistake to change something

* Harp that something else should have been changed first.

* State that the affected class is "No longer Playable"

* Claim that the newest and GREATEST MMO will take over.
Honestly, I think it is the "judgment" portion of the Live Update’s that really amazes me.

Developers, testers, programmers and management staff spend hours upon hours determining what changes should be made and why. They base this off of actual data flow, character progression, and a million other factors - factors that we as a player simply do not have the resources or ability to see. We do not have the information, we cannot see the data.

Then they announce the changes to the public and there is an outcry from people who because of this, cannot see the "Bigger Picture". They cannot look past their own perceptions on how they are affected to see if there are actual logical reasons for the changes. They can't fathom that there might be a reason or rational to a change that they see as "crippling" or devastating. They take the change personally and react as if they have been singled out and attacked.

And that's just silly.

If a bug in the game causes "Spell A" to do a billion points of damage when it was only supposed to do a few hundred, but it was never caught - when it is finally FIXED, it is not a "nerf".  When a class in the game can effectively solo encounters intended for higher level groups, it is not a "nerf." These things are fixes.

The word "nerf" bugs me too. It *is* a good word, don't get me wrong, but it's trotted out too often and too frequently. Its thrown at every change - real or imagined - and because of its overuse, it has lost any potency or meaning that it once might have had.

Changes to the game will always continue. As people play they learn and they adapt. They find ways to do things better than ever imagined, and they share this information. Soon, people are once again climbing higher than they "should" and achieving more not individually, but as a whole. When these things happen, there will be "adjustments" to keep the play level where it should be.

One person with the ability to solo something higher and more dangerous than they should be able to is the sign of a truly amazing player.

Everyone of that class with the same skill and ability isn't an amazing player - its a problem that needs to be addressed.

Personally, I miss the days where we actually sat down and played the game and created our own storylines, histories, and enjoyed the game for what it was - a game.

Parsers, number crunchers, and people who use stats as a badge of honor, who count every point of damage, who calculate other classes of the same level and know every class level expected DPS average down to the decimal - are what detract from the game for *ME*.

Just go back to playing people...and try to remember that little thing we used to call fun.

That's just my opinion of course - I could be.....stoned to death soon.

-Coyote

 

“Hail, a Blood Thirsty Skeleton.” I said politely as I walked up behind the skeleton who instantly spun around to attack me.

See, in EverQuest 2 people don’t talk to the skeletons as much as they just walk up and whap the living hell out of them, so as you might imagine the skeleton was every so slightly startled.

“Warm blood of the living.” He hissed as he raised his fists and charged in for the attack.

But I was ready for this. This was a red con skeleton that was flagged as a “group” encounter. There was NO way I could take him and I had no hopes of survival. My only chance was to get my question out before he smeared me.

“Where do skeletons come from?” I asked quickly as he lurched forward ready to send me screaming back to my spawn.

“Um..huh?” The skeleton blinked as he slowed his charge. The question obviously catching him off guard.

“Where do skeletons come from?” I asked again as he stopped out right and looked around in confusion.

“What do you mean? We’re skeletons. Bones. Everybody has bones. What kind of question is that?” The skeleton growled as he reached forward to stomp me into oblivion.

“So you are saying that you were once living, came from a dead body, and here you are?” I asked again as I side stepped his grapple.

“Um. Yeah.” He confirmed with a frown as he put a hand on his hip bone.

“So where’d you get the dead body?” I questioned, taking another step back. “Nothing every dies in EverQuest. I mean, sure, we DIE – but we don’t leave bodies. We just kinda disappear until we respawn, so where’d you get the dead body?” I knew it was a silly question, but damn it - it was bugging me.

 “I ..um..” The skeleton looked around as if searching for the answer so I pressed on while he was stunned.

“Monsters respawn too, so you can’t come from monsters. Furthermore – nothing rots in this world - okay ZOMBIES, but that gets into the whole "So where do ZOMBIES come from?" thing, which we won't get into. There are no "non-animated" dead bodies so you can’t say that you rotted from a corpse because we’ve established that there are none. But, here you are and you had to come from somewhere, so I ask again. "Where do skeletons come from.” " I demanded as I crossed my arms.

He looked kind of pissy as he mimicked my stance.

“Don’t you have like a quest or something you could go do?” He asked sarcastically.

“Look – if you don’t know just say so.” I quipped back.

“Of course I know. I just don’t want to tell you.” The skeleton tried to bluff me, but if my six year old niece can’t fool me with that, neither can a skeleton who’s actual origins are in question.

“Eggs!” He said suddenly cutting me off before I could refute his not wanting to tell me.

“Skeletons hatch from eggs!” He exclaimed, but I wasn’t buying it.

“Oh you SO do NOT come from eggs.” I laughed calling him on his weak attempt at bluffing.

“We could! You don’t know! Are you a skeleton?” The skelly yelled at me defensively.

“No, but I can see that you’re just a pile of bones. Where are you going to gestate an egg? You haven’t any parts!” I yelled back, waving my hand through his open ribcage.

We kinda just stood there for a couple of minutes looking at each other. I knew I was right, and I think he did too because…

…he killed me.

Yeah it was the easy way out, and I guess I would have done the same thing in his place, but it left my question unanswered.

So I went to google, because lets face it - EVERYONE goes to google, and google knows all. I figured that if I couldn't find the answer there, I couldn't find it anywhere. After a couple minutes of surfing and mumbling about how people should just fess up when they don't know something, I stumble across this...

And now I am never eating eggs again. Ever.

-Coyote

As you all probably know, Lord of the Rings online is soon going live in a mad dash attempt to wrest some of the player base and profit away from some of the current MMO giants such as World of Warcraft, Everquest II, or Africa online. I of course, have mixed feelings about this.I'm sure I could write on things such as game design, graphics engines, storyline and targeted player base, but NONE of these things mean as much to me as this;The Hobbits cannot, and I stress this, can NOT look like Elijah Woods. I mean, just LOOK at him. He always looks like he is about to cry, which makes me feel really bad. Is it something I did? Is it something I said? What’s wrong little fella?

“Awww..I’m sorry. Is it me? Did I do something? I’m sorry..please..don’t cry. I’ll change.”

How could I play a game where every time I log in I feel like I've done something wrong. Its like having the girlfriend who is all melancholy but insists that nothing is wrong as she mopes around the house sighing loudly and looking like someone just killed a whole box of puppies in front of her. I don't want guilt when I log in. I don’t want to feel bad. I want to slay orcs and destroy rings and maybe get my smeagol on with an easily mislead elf chick who may or may not be a forty year old white guy named "Alan" in real life.I want to have fun. I want to enjoy myself and not worry if every Hobbit I run into is going to burst into tears and go all Fatal Attraction on me the first time I turn them down for a group.Other than that, I'm pretty jazzed about the game. At first I was worried about people making the characters from the books and role-playing avidly as if they were that character;

"Greeting friends. I am Arragoorn, son of Arathorn, also known as Strider. A ranger of these parts. May I offer my services and join your group?"

"Um, yeah sure. Welcome. Arragoorn, meet Arragorrn, Eragorn, Aaragorn and Aaraagoorn, they too are rangers who carry the nickname Strider. One of you make sure to wear a hat so I know who to heal."

But then I got to thinking;

The "kiddie hype" may no longer be there as the movies are long since out, and by those who have chronic youth induced A.D.D., forgotten. It may not have the mass "leet phat lewt" appeal that draw so many to WoW or EQ2, so the chances of a million "Frodo" or a zillion incarnations of "Gandalf" may not plague the game in the numbers that most of assume.

However - on the flip side, it could be worse. Thousands of "Tolkien Geeks" which are just as hardcore and scary as any dude dressed like a Jedi and camping outside of a theater for weeks on end, playing name-nazi - or worse - doing little tongue in cheek name gags or using little known, once mentioned characters as their name to impress the other Tolkienites.

“My name is Gaph Fur! Get it? Gaffer? The Gaffer? Haha! Aren’t I clever?”
To which we’ll have to find where they live and kill them slowly with a toy Frodo with weepy-eye-action.
Still, the game looks decent, and will have enough content and action to keep even the most lax of Tolkien fans (such as myself) interested, so I’ll probably give it a whirl.
 If you are looking for me in game, my character name will be “Antonia Bayle”, and I’ll be known for my role-playing shouts of “Save Qeynos” or “Freeport Must Fall!”.
 …and when someone from LOTR tells me “Hey! You are in the WRONG GAME! This isn't EQ2!" I'll yell back;
 "Yeah? How do YOU guys like it EH? EH?!?!" And then I’ll go back to consoling the hobbits.
 -Coyote

Who IS Coyote?. Gamer, adventurer, lover, international superspy?