Updated Thu, Sep 03, 2009 by mattlow
Cue the theme music, dahlings! It’s time once again for your favorite feature…Queer Eye for the Superhero Guy, the only feature that dares to critique the fashion sense of those heroic titans that walk among us. As always, I am Rondaldo, your humble (and ever so fashionable and delectable) correspondent. Join me as I apply my eagle’s eye of fashion (and sardonic humor) to the heroic legions of muscle. Let’s get started!
To begin with, we have the Missing Link. I can tell you right away what’s missing, his pants! The whole primal-beast-of-nature look is soooo two years ago, dahlings. I would suggest a more subtle look, so that when he reveals himself, his foes can shriek out in surprise, “Oh no, it’s the Missing Link!” To start off, I would suggest a nice long trench coat, preferably in a charcoal gray (the better to match his eyes). As for pants, a pair of trousers slightly flared towards the bottom would really hit the spot. The Link could go shirtless since his coat would normally cover him, but if he wanted to wear a shirt, a simple tee would suffice. The look would say, “I’m dressed, but I’m still savage.” Finally, I would suggest a wide-brimmed fedora to help hide his facial features, until he’s ready to pounce. With a little grooming (ha!), dahlings, the Missing Link could reach the top of the style mountain.
Next up, we have Disco Jones, dahlings, who enjoys making villains undergo the retina searing trauma of staring at his purple majesty. To be clear, Ronaldo hates disco fashion and I’ve burned all my old photos showing me in my disco glory back in the day! However, Ronaldo confesses that he actually likes this outfit, but it could use a few tweaks. The first is that the color purple really needs to be broken up a bit. I would suggest that the pants and shirt stay the same, but the vest and shoes could be changed. I would make the vest a white or light cream color. As for the shoes, I would either go with black or coordinate with the vest. The mask can stay the same color (Disco Jones must be very secure in his manhood to wear a lavender mask). You go, Disco Jones! Cha..cha..cha!
Now, we’re talking, dahlings! Lone Wolf’s ensemble is a visual treat (as well as his gleaming pectoral muscles). This is one sharp looking outfit and Lone Wolf shows a highly developed style sense. The black of his coat and pants really highlight the ivory color of his skin and fur. The gold belt and cuffs accentuate the black, whilst also breaking it up. A very simple, but effective look. This just goes to show, dahlings, that fashion doesn’t have to be complicated. You have to figure out what looks good for you, as that every person is unique. Let me gaze upon this outfit for a few moments longer…..growl!
Gah! Forgive me dahlings, but I almost fainted upon seeing this monstrosity. Behold the awfulness of Kid Zombie if you dare. I think that this outfit is what brought Kid Zombie back to life. He was probably rolling around in his grave with this hideous outfit on him, forcing him to leave the cold embrace of the earth and seek vengeance upon the living! (Or just seek vengeance on the bastard who dressed him like that!) There are only two things worth salvaging on this outfit, the boots and the hat. Besides those two items, everything else must go. A plaid shirt with a fur fringe? A red gun belt that has the same color as the bloody tears of fashion czars like myself? This is the outfit they were talking about when kids teased you by going, “Did your momma dress you today?” It clashes on so many levels, it’s staggering. Plus, what is a zombie gunfighter doing with modern shoulder pads? Hello? It doesn’t fit the concept! To be fair, it’s hard to come up with a good look for Kid Zombie. That glaring yellow complexion of his is hard to accentuate. I would suggest clothing in more earth tones to try to mute the neon yellow skin tone, with perhaps a dash of gold on the buckle of the gun belt to provide some contrast. While we may never make Kid Zombie a fashion icon, at least we could elevate him from fashion disaster.
Well, that’s all the time we have for today, dahlings. I hope that my critiques have helped you in your own quest for style. Remember, I am not here to be cruel, but to steer lost souls to a more fashionable place. I’m only here to help, dahlings. If you wish to appear on a future installment of Queer Eye for the Superhero Guy, you can send me a picture of yourself to firstname.lastname@example.org. I can’t guarantee that you’ll get on, as that your poor Ronaldo is always so busy, but I’ll do my best. Until next time, ciao!