Lifetap Volume 1, Issue 37 – Announcing Tetanus Online!
Also known as the Mighty Airplane Mode Issue of Doom, today’s issue of Lifetap is sure to set your eyes ablaze and transform your heart into an unstoppable kaleidoscope of frozen bees. Translation: this is what happens after Sardu has been sitting on an airplane too long on little to no sleep. You’ve been warned.
Previously on Lifetap…
Something seemingly significant blows up inside of a building you would only recognize if you saw the last episode!
Some random guy furls his brow and looks a bit constipated while being yelled at by what appears to be a superior officer!
Some other random stuff explodes so quickly you don’t have time to make out what it was or why you should care!
Sardu also probably wrote about some games or something.
Today’s issue of Lifetap is being written as I fly the friendly skies heading out west for a week of joyous things and stuff. Also known as meetings with my colleagues from around the Ten Ton network. Following a few short hours of vexing bliss, I’ll be setting up my mobile command center where I’ll be telepathically beaming my next few issues of Lifetap directly into the frontal lobes of our readers. In fact, I’m projecting this telepathically in real time right now. Years of practice have honed my skills to a sharpened point not unlike the center of a waffle, so creating the illusion that you’re reading these words on a website is a trick I’ve mastered long ago.
I’m here to tell you that you’re in for a real treat today, folks. Imagine, if you will…
Setting: The brightly lit interior of an airplane that smells and feels a bit too new. The seats are clearly not comfortable and the viewer should be able to make out the pained expressions on the passenger’s faces.
The overhead speakers crackle to life as the pilot announces something unintelligible. This will be corrected in post-production depending on how much money is left in the V.O. budget.
Passenger A, looking quite agitated, begins singing along to an episode of Barney he’s viewing on his portable electronic device (the one the flight attendant has asked him to stow five times in the past three minutes). Passenger B squints and begins making armpit farts in rhythm with Passenger A. Like a tidal wave of good vibrations the infectious groove sweeps through the cabin until eventually the entire plane has joined in.
This is the ridiculous nonsense that serves as the opening trailer to Tetanus Online, a brand new MMO that takes place during the first five minutes after stepping on a rusty nail in your front yard.
Time Magazine calls Tetanus Online an “Absolute masterpiece. Then again we were stupid enough to put monsters like Charles Manson on our cover, so what do we know?”
Chino Moreno of the rock band Deftones says, “When you’re ripe, you’ll bleed out of control!”
That one guy who my niece says looks like a toe exclaims, “Tetanus Online is the game I have been waiting my entire life to play. It’s like a cherry vanilla crab cake filled with beans. In other words, totally awesome!”
Tetanus Online is currently in development and – hold onto your hats folks – you can soon pay for this crap with your very own monies! But not just any monies. Tetanus Online is the very first MMORPG to be 100% funded through Bitcoin, and will be distributed exclusively through Bittorrent. Act now and we’ll even ship you some Tetanus Online flavored bacon bits!
That’s a lot of bits people. You know you want the bits, but you can’t have all the bits, all the time. That’s exactly why you need Tetanus Online!
Meanwhile, in an alternate universe…