Why Garrosh Should Have Killed Thrall

By David Piner -
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I believe that Thrall should have died to Garrosh because Garrosh is a pretty cool Orc and let's be honest here, the Alliance are pretty annoying and Thrall just didn't get the fact that he commands a seasoned group of really really mean bad guys who want to throw axes at good guys. So Thrall is like yo guys, I'm an orc and I'm just gonna sit around and commune with the elements (which maybe Thrall is really a stoner woah could that be a scandel we don't know about) while you know these guys with their garrisons that have fountains just chill out and talk about how much they just want to raze my giant metal eyesore off of Azeroth. So Garrosh, to me, was a pretty good Orc and if everyone just listened to him alright, he would have led the "Horde" to a great victory then probably rolled on down to alternate universe Outland and turned it into the Horde's outhouse or maybe an Outback Steakhouse.

Because let's be honest here, these dudes have not had a good meal out in awhile. First, there was Onyxia making Goku fight some bears and things in mortal combat while trying to run the Alliance and doing a really good job about it, I mean she didn't really do anything bad, she just kinda didn't tell heroes to go and kill this very weak dragon dude who at the time everyone was like babies and had empty soup can lids for a stupid weapon that may or may not have glowed. Then, everyone had to go and fight Kel'thuzad for the 2387432 time, if you played WarCraft 3, but he just sort of picked his toys and just left. Then Illidan was like yo bro, you are not prepared, you casual scum you, and everyone was like no we ain't no casuals, now is your time to die great evil. Then Kil something came around and he was like who knows, I don't care, but that happened so. Then, Arthas turned the entire thing into the precursor for pet battles by essentially being Team Rocket and blasting off every single time you and him had a conversation.

Seriously, you can sum Wrath up into Arthas shows up, threatens you, then just gets in his stupid meowth blimp with Kel'thuzad who btw isn't dead yet probably still I mean, seriously, you only need to kill him like 4000 million times or something, but whatever he's over in Hearthstone now because he's back again and he'll probably be in Heroes of the Storm as that troll character that no one really wants anyone to play cuz they are tired of it and I spelled cause like cuz cuz I can. So, anyway, after waiting forever for Blizzard to open some doors because they just said they were going to do that, you kill Arthas no you don't someone else does who cares there wasn't an LFR back then so you had to like make friends and stuff, and it was kinda hard. Then you know, something happened, some dragon got mad again, and he was like yo Onyxia isn't running the Alliance you know no one ever really said why Deathwing was so mad considering he made more apperances in the lore than Arthas probably did and got "killed" as many times as Kel'thuzad did, but everyone was woah he just messed up Stormwind. So like, then everyone just got all confused and you fought in these dungeons that didn't make any sense and I think one was a floating sky castle with some angry tornados, actually there was a lot of angry tornados why were there so many angry tornados I don't know. Anyway, Deathwings dies when you go on his back and fail to give him a proper backrub and he's like whatever, this is stupid, I'm out.

So then the Pandas show up and they got some issues. I'm not sure what those issues are. They believed in these sha things too much and they became real or something, I don't know, Blizzard didn't really care either, it's like, we need a new race and we already did space goats and that was pretty much the epitome of ideas we had, we threw in some worgen and goblins because I mean, we really just don't know any other cool fantasy type classes to put into World of Warhammer Online, we got the Dark Eldar, the Eldar, the Humans, the Dwarves (Squats if you will), Orcs (plenty of them), the Undead, the Wood Elves, like and probably some more stuff I don't have enough money to find out right now, you gotta pay like a billion dollars to buy the source material for all of that which probably explains why Blizzard just said okay, Pandas. So they tried to make up some stuff, who cares, didn't really work, and you ended up fighting some really unhealthy looking bronze statues.

Then Garrosh is like you know what, I'm tired of all of this, so let's just take some of this here evil old monster god thing power, and crush our enemies. Then for some reason Thrall and co were like nah, you know what we should do here is just in a world of super magical dragon people who can teleport through space and time, take some iron chains and chain you up, and totally not expect anyone to mass teleport you to Outland, to you know, piss off some of these villians from Warcraft II and Warcraft III and then make us fight all of them in an expansion when we could be in the Emerald Dream or maybe flying to some Dragon / Demon / Panda world where we could you know do something a little different. Just give Garrosh to them there Pandas and they obviously, in a society that was haunted by their own emotions, would somehow do okay here.

So really, at the end of the day, if you're tired of so many orcs being in their huts, instead of giant molten lava metal castle things, you can just blame Thrall who I mean, seriously, hasn't done much lately. He held up the dragon soul thing to kill Deathwing or whatever, I'm sure Deathwing is dead, considering you know he died only a billion times before and is just really mad that people didn't respect his eggs. I mean, really, it's an MMO about daddy dragon and his dragon eggs, and you need to go and help magical dragon people defeat him.

So, yeah, Thrall you need to reflect perhaps a bit on your past there pal and stop being all like, oh I need to be a good guy in a game literally about Humans vs. Orcs or us vs. them if you will, because in Warcraft II I don't remember much about maybe working together, it was more or less, like you know, they had to in Warcraft III because Arthas is the world's biggest jerk and couldn't just be happy with Uther's guidance, he needed to go and get more power to protect his people, which I mean he killed them all, and they're pissed off undead people now.

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About The Author

David "Xerin" Piner
Get in the bush with Xerin every week for his column, Respawn, as he analyzes the hottest trends, buzz topics, and absurdities in MMO gaming. In addition to his ongoing war against early access titles.

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