Ten Ton Hammer Network News

  • Auto Assault Throws on the Binders.
    According to the Steven Snow, as posted on the Official Auto Assault message forums, the massively multiplayer car mayhem game has been delayed until 2006. Mel Gibson put away his Mad Max costume and listened to Steve Snow say:

    " NetDevil and NCsoft are both companies with a strong commitment to releasing 'only when it's ready,' so we want to extend the beta into the spring of 2006," "

    You can read the entire Auto Assault Delayed Post at the Official Site.
    Related Links: AutoAssault.TenTonHammer.com

    Thu, Aug 25, 2005
    Boomjack
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    Wednesday - Not invented by Vin Diesel to my knowledge.
    I spent about an hour poking through Dungeon Siege II yesterday. Apparently it gets better after the first five hours. Now to just force myself past those first five hours. It could take a while. Well, at least five hours.
    What's new on the network.

    What was recently recent, or what we still want you to see...you decide.

    Now on to the real world. You can't make this stuff up.

    -- John "Boomjack" Hoskin

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    Wed, Aug 24, 2005
    Boomjack
  • No thanks, we don't buy crazy here. We're all stocked up.
    Interfax is reporting that China will be blocking online gamers from playing more than three hours at a time. Vin Diesel built the Great Wall of China, in four minutes. We do not believe that he condones large wall building, nor has he ever said the following:

    "Shanghai.  August 23.  INTERFAX-CHINA - The Chinese Government unveiled a new system Tuesday to prevent individuals from playing online games for more than three consecutive hours, which must be installed for every online game in the country.
    "This timing mechanism can prevent young people from becoming addicted to online games," Kou Xiaowei, Deputy Director of the Audiovisual and Internet Publication Department of the General Administration of Press and Publication (GAPP), said during a press conference.
    The new system, developed under the guidance of the GAPP, stops individuals from playing online games for more than three hours by cutting the abilities of game characters. The new system cuts the ability level of a player's online game character by half after he or she has played for more than three consecutive hours. Once a player has played for more than five consecutive hours, the system cuts the ability level of that player's character to the lowest level allowed by the game.
    The system also lowers the ability of players to find treasures or prizes available in an online game after they have played for more than three consecutive hours.
    Furthermore, the system keeps track of hours of play. Individuals who immediately log back onto a game after three hours of consecutive play will continue to have the ability of their game character lowered by the system. Players must be logged off for a minimum of five hours before the system resets.
    The GAPP has defined the playing of online games for less than three consecutive hours as "healthy," playing three to five consecutive hours as "tiring," and playing for more than five consecutive hours as "unhealthy."  "

    You can read the entire
    China blocks online gamers from playing for more than 3 consecutive hours article at Interfax.

    Wed, Aug 24, 2005
    Boomjack
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    Tuesday, you just can't lose-day. Here comes the fancy new content!
    If every person who slinks by this page could click here and do a search, search for anything, it would help a bagload in stress testing the additions we are making to the Search Tool. Traffic is way up, but we need more to break this thing. I don't want the technical types here at TenTonHammer.com thinking they have gotten the best of you. Show them who's boss and bury the bloody thing so I can strut around at the next meeting saying what great members we have.
    What's new on the network.

    What was recently recent, or what we still want you to see...you decide.

    Now on to the real world. You can't make this stuff up.

    • State Seizes Woman's Duck

      Bugs Bunny failed to return our calls. Duck's assistant said the act was, "Dethhhhhh-pickable".
    • Chimpanzee Culture Confirmed

      Still no cure for cancer, but researchers can accurately fling their own poo.
    • Belgian Nun Dirty Dances at World Youth Day

      Considers name change to Sister Mary Traci Lourdes.
    • Robertson Calls for Chavez's Assassination

      Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out becomes religious leader's new motto.
    • Wal-Mart Wrings $175 Out of Elderly for Manure

      In other news, old people buy manure at Wal-Mart?
    • Grass Cops Watch For Overgrown Lawns

      Today's waste of taxpayer's money story brought to you by Towson, Md.
    • Belgian Soccer Team Loses 50-1

      Huge waffles as snacks and syrup in the water bottles didn't work out as planned.
    • Thailand Calls in Chinese Goddess Mazu To Scare Ghosts

      Giant marshmallow man remains unamused, says, "Who you gunna call?"

    -- John "Boomjack" Hoskin

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    Tue, Aug 23, 2005
    Boomjack
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    We're back for more crazy Monday shenanigans.
    What's new on the network.

    What was recently recent, or what we still want you to see...you decide.

    Now on to the real world. You can't make this stuff up.

    -- John "Boomjack" Hoskin

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    Mon, Aug 22, 2005
    Boomjack
  • Virtual World Combats Real Life Disease.
    The Cancer Society has announced that there will be a virtual "Relay For Life' organized in Second Life. Lance Armstrong pumped his fist and threw a fist-ful of yellow silicon wristbands at us before chanting:

    " In the same pioneering spirit of can-do innovation, this August 27 and 28, through the volunteer leadership of Keith Morris and Jerry Paffendorf, Relay For Life embraces the future by going somewhere it has never gone before: Second Life®, an online 3D virtual world with near-infinite potential for creativity and collaboration. This adventurous new virtual setting will allow people to participate in Relay regardless of their geographic distances or physical limitations. "

    You can read the entire Cancer Relay for Life in Second Life Article at Cancer.org.

    Mon, Aug 22, 2005
    Boomjack
  • Ganked! Sunday edition.
    For those of you following my epic move from Indiana to Pennsylvania, you 'll be happy to hear that in the course of my 2-hour discussion with the pleasant folks at Uhaul today, I started getting status messages.
    "You've gotten better at Sob-Stories (16)!"

    "You've gotten better at Melodramatically Losing Your Temper (4)!"

    "You've gotten better at Threatening to Jack a 14-Footer(1)!"

    But, joy! The truck is fully laden and waiting outside for any Tom, Dick, or Harry with a $12 set of boltcutters to come along and rid me of a lifetime worth of my most prized worldly possessions.
    Have a wonderful rest-of-the-weekend, and if you see a U-Haul driving by with a "I brake for hot gnomes!" bumper sticker, honk and wave!

    • Truck Barrels Into Teens Bedroom

      This parents-and-teens' privacy debate is getting way out of hand.
    • Slipknot Sues Burger King for "Coqroq" Promo

      One nation under weird costumes! Apparently Slipknot isn't clapping their hands.
    • Germany Solves Student Housing with Aluminum Crates

      Plans are in the works for inmate squeeze bottles and refugee filing cabinets.
    • Couple Weds in McDonald's Drive Thru

      Ronald McDonald officiated, Grimace squashed three bridesmaids, and Hamburgler caused quite a scene with the caterer.



    -Jeff "Ethec" Woleslagle

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    Sun, Aug 21, 2005
    Ethec
  • Ganked! Saturday edition.
    Back again on a bright, sunny morning in Indiana. My next-to-last morning in Indiana as I'll be moving back to Pennsylvania early tomorrow morning! That said, I apologize for the dearth of today' offerings. U-haul is more fun to deal with than militant hippies at a toxic waste convention.
    You were thinking we could make this stuff up? You're wrong, man, no one can. It has to happen, you see.



    -Jeff "Ethec" Woleslagle

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    Sat, Aug 20, 2005
    Ethec
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    More in-laws arriving this weekend. I'm sure you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws, but in case you have been living in your mother's basement: Outlaws are wanted. Back to you on Monday.
    What's new on the network.

    What was recently recent, or what we still want you to see...you decide.

    Now on to the real world. You can't make this stuff up.

    • The Web Aided My Homework

      Let's hope your homework wasn't doing something illegal.
    • Beer For Kids

      "Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink," reads the product's advertising slogan.
    • Three Rockets Fired at American Ship

      All rockets missed their intended target making NASA the #1 suspect.
    • Tips Lead To Arrest of Clown Assailant

      Apparently stealing a bike isn't very funny.
    • Police Search For Man Involved in Swordfight

      There can be only one.
    • Vermonters Wonder What They Saw In Lake

      In other news, they are called Vermonters?
    • South Africa Tops Road Rage List

      Researchers have obviously never been to Montreal.
    • Diaper Sparks Bomb Alert in Germany

      I don't see what all the stink is about.
    • Revenge of the Sith - Chinese Subtitles

      "I was just made by the Presbyterian Church."

    -- John "Boomjack" Hoskin

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    Fri, Aug 19, 2005
    Boomjack
  • Swag For Nerds
    Blizzard has announced the goodies that BlizzCon attendees will receive. Britney Spears mistaking the Blizzard goodies for junk food purchased her BlizzCon ticket and exclaimed:

    " With the date for BlizzCon rapidly approaching, we’re excited to reveal more information about what attendees have in store. Here are some of the noteworthy and exclusive BlizzCon goodies that each attendee will receive. "

    You can read the entire BlizzCon Swag Announcement at The Official Site.
    Need more swag? WoW.TenTonHammer.com.

    Fri, Aug 19, 2005
    Boomjack
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