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April Fool's Restaurant Complaint Edition

By David Piner -
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Today is April Fool’s day and it’s just going to have to be the day I open my mouth and talk about how unfunny everyone is and how stupid most April Fool day “pranks” are online now. None of them are creative or funny, they’re not even campy or cheesy. They’re all just marketing tools designed to get people excited by a brand by doing something that makes people go oh, cool. For instance, the biggest offender is Blizzard. I honestly wonder how they can be the MMO company that you pick up the most poop per cubic feet of game space and yet have the most lackluster and boring April Fool’s day pranks. This is also while having the biggest budget (well outside of Google shipping giant piles of cash to Game Freaks / Nintendo this year).

Like most of their pranks, this year’s big joke is *drumroll please* “Outcasts” the fighting game. Here is the joke; it’s an actually cool sounding game that probably isn’t real. Although it should be and I’d pay money for it. Blizzard is just evil with their jokes. For instance, Pandarens were the 2002 April Fool’s joke and demand was so high that it got added to the game, up to and including some of the lore (like the Shado-Pan).

banality

Want to hear a really funny Blizzard joke? Starcraft Ghost. That’s a hilarious joke. It’s a game that Blizzard could never produce. Why? Because probably honestly you can’t sell the ability to get to level 90 in an Nintendo 64 game. The worst part, like most jokes, it sounded like the coolest game since Goldeneye. Sadly, of course, Blizzard rarely gives us the good stuff.

So yeah, Outcasts looks like a really funny awesome game, but nah we’re not going to get it and yeah it’s not a good joke since it’s just them being jerks teasing us with a really cool concept that won’t happen until everyone gets on their forums and starts begging them to take their money like always. We’ll get Hearthstone though because we need more genres of games hitting mainstream, moving from MOBAs to online TCG, replacing buying heroes with buying cards.

So yeah Google did this other hilarious thing where you can find Pokémon in the world on the maps. Okay, cool, I guess, this is more or less a huge promotion for Pokémon and the Google Maps app than anything actually interesting. Good job Google on using your tons of cash to get a few more people to install your app so they can see Pokémon in it!

Want to know something really funny. League of Legends added U.R.F. mode in the game, which is basically crazy mode LoL and it’s actually hilariously fun. So their April Fool’s day joke is to make a game mode that everyone is always whining about (buff everything!) and add it to the game and then everyone loves it. How crazy is that?

I guess today I’m just going to go to a fancy restaurant and order a hamburger, ask for it to be as well done as they can make it, then sit there and go “Hahahaha April Fool’s!” as the joke is on me when the bill comes for like $30 and I’m sitting eating a burnt hamburger alone on the first of the month. Maybe I’ll put on my best NASCAR shirt and roleplay that I’m the Earl of Sandwich.

Nascar Vrrm

Maybe I’m just not funny anymore or maybe I don’t enjoy humor. Maybe age ruins your perspective on these things. I don’t know, I just feel like the Internet has gotten so iterative with things that if a formula “works” someone will just keep doing it and keep doing it and then it won’t be funny or cool. The best April Fool’s day joke for me was political, written by the New Yorker of all things, and I’m not going to necessarily share it because I don’t want to start some kind of argument over politics in the same article talking about Pokémon.

Since this is April Fool’s day and I can just write whatever I want, I figure I’ll start talking about food for a brief second. I’m sick and tired of restaurants who can’t manage their budget and overcharge for food. You hear about some nice place that “no one knows about” because it’s a secret. You go there and prices are like four dollars more than what they should be. You know why? First, to support their huge menu of frozen food they need to stock a lot of food, which is pricey. Second, since the place is a secret and there isn’t a ton of traffic, they’re not selling a ton of food.

So yeah punish me for my mistake of showing up without the Groupon. Oh yeah, haha, I forget the “Groupon.” Yes, people are iterative right, so the “Groupon” thing usually works like this. First, the prices are already sky-high to compensate for the fact that only people with coupons visit their restaurant. Second, forced gratuity is usually something like 25 to 30%. This isn’t labeled and, to be honest, is evil. I rarely tip 25%. That’s like, some insane crazy amount reserved for people who make so much money that they lose money to break a 20.

First, second, first, second, and finally third. Yeah, also, by the way. The food usually sucks. That’s why no one is there. They use Sysco frozen foods usually and everything on the menu comes prepared, they just have to warm it up and then add some kind of ridiculous “twist” to it to cover up the fact. My first question in these places usually, outside of can I get the cheque for my one soda, is what is and isn’t frozen on the menu. Usually everything.

Well, thanks for reading this special edition of April Fool’s Respawn. Remember, always tip your waiter. Unless they suck. Then don’t. I don’t know. This is (I assume you are from) America, do whatever you want. I've got like three hours to clean my basement up before I have my guest of honor coming over (my imaginary friend), so I'm just going to go now. See ya later.

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About The Author

David "Xerin" Piner
Get in the bush with Xerin every week for his column, Respawn, as he analyzes the hottest trends, buzz topics, and absurdities in MMO gaming. In addition to his ongoing war against early access titles.

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