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Grumpy Gamer's Open Letter to Wisenheimers Everywhere

Posted Wed, Dec 18, 2013 by gunky

Grumpy Gamer's Open Letter to Wisenheimers Everywhere

Dear Sirs,

I know you think it's really clever to answer earnest pleas for help with flippant, obvious and unhelpful responses. But please stop. You're embarrassing yourself. It's never as funny as you think, and your answers are usually stupid anyway. You may think you are coming across as a real wit, but you're only half right.

I'm referring to one very specific type of troll technique, which I have dubbed "the Wisenheimer." Someone asks, "How do I beat this boss mob in this dungeon?" and receives a response like "Don't die," or, on one memorable occasion, "Use your attacks." 

Grumpy Gamer's Open Letter to Trolls - Fozzie Bear not laughing

"You expect a 'waka-waka-waka' for that?"

These responses are a waste of your time and energy. I get that you want to troll this other person by being an unhelpful jerk - that much is obvious. But that's just a stupid, pointless thing to say. It makes you look even dumber for saying it than the person who asked the question. You're not likely to get a reaction to your "clever quip," except perhaps embarrassed pity.  And worse yet, there are zero lulz to be had, because it's not even funny.

Grumpy Gamer's Open Letter to Trolls - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

"You make a funny joke... FOR ME TO POOP ON!"

I'm not asking you to stop trolling. Far from it - troll away to your black heart's content. But do realize that there's a subtle art to trolling. The goal is to actually make lulz - to get a reaction, preferably a negative one, that amuses you. Taking the easy road is essential to trolling, but there is still such a thing as a road too easy. Put some effort into it. Troll harder.

Try being creative, like the rude elitist know-it-alls who clearly can't stand the idea of people not knowing complex strategies when encountering a new fight for the first time. "Google is your friend" is both obnoxious and quasi-helpful at the same time - that's a tough one to pull off. You're pointing out the perfectly obvious while still coming across as a total douche nozzle, and making the questioner look ignorant for not realizing that answers can be found on Google. It's win-win, really.

Grumpy Gamer's Open Letter to Trolls - Lewis Black, angry comic

Or you could try being one of those people who is so thoroughly exasperated by all the nooblets infringing upon his precious time with stupid, obvious questions, and who clearly doesn't understand why anyone would ever bother asking for personal advice in-game - "OMG have you idiots never heard of YouTube? There are a thousand videos of that fight." Again, you get a good mix of know-it-all-ism and jaded world-weariness, plus scorn and insults, AND it's unhelpful. The trolling trifecta.

And with both of these troll-y responses, you get to completely ignore the notion that people ask for help in-game, rather than use an impersonal search engine, because they are seeking a sense of community. Reaching out to others for a shared experience in a multiplayer game is clearly a weakness, and one which you fail to exploit with something pointless like "Don't die." By really humiliating the person asking for help from fellow players, you get to erode the whole server's sense of community. If you really bust balls, some of those players might even quit the game entirely and leave you alone forever!

Of course, if you're really willing to put in the effort for a good troll, there's always the Stanley Hudson:

If the video doesn't load right away, try refreshing the page!

Obviously, that one is going to be far too much work for most trolls. But you can stand to earn some serious lulz with the right kind of buildup, and you can make the other guy look like a complete fool for listening to you for so long. Lulz shared with others are lulz well-earned.

Grumpy Gamer's Open Letter to Trolls - Andrew Dice Clay, insult comic

"Hickory dickory dock..."

But hey, at least you're not treating anyone with respect or contributing to the community in any way - that would be lame. The most important things to remember are that everyone else is an idiot, you're the only one that really matters, and your time is more valuable and precious than everyone else's. Use it wisely, and don't waste it on throwaway half-witticisms. Stay true to these principles, young grasshopper, for they shall guide you to true greatness and bigger lulz.

This might have been a challenging read for some of you witless wisenheimers, so let me put it in a way you will better understand:

Q: "How do I troll?"
A: "Use words."

Sincerely,

the Grumpy Gamer

P.S. Thanks for nothin', ass-hat. Go die.

reinstall

I was going to whip up something witty and trollish for this load of butthurt text, since apparently my qq meter has hit red, but it comes down to three things: don't ask stupid questions, do your research before you begin typing and this is internet (deal with it). :)

Sorry, son. I wrote it with someone else in mind, so you're too late for a "dedicated to" credit. Better luck next time :)

Oh that is a shame, i will await your newest installment of internet sentiments then! Please, do not forget to mention us poor folks! And when you are done calling us names, please take your time to express your feelings about clueless, lazy no-gooder-for-human-iq people as well!

I await your next endeavour.

With love, your newest and most fervent supporter,

Eliphas

gg reinstall

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