25 Things That May Indicate That You Are An EVIL Fae

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

Evil Fae. Even the very term is a contradiction in itself. How can something so sickly sweet, so annoyingly adorable even for a moment be considered evil?

With rumors abound of new races and "Dark Fae" betraying their cities and fluttering like moths to the dark light of Freeport we sat back and truly reflected on what it would take to become an "evil" Fae. And while this is just speculation, I stand by my assessment that if you have done, or plan on doing ANY of the things on this list?

You could very well be one of the first truly EVIL Fae.

25 Things That May Indicate That You Are An EVIL Fairy

1) You take teeth from small children. By force. While they are still awake.

2) Instead of emerging from a gossamer cocoon spun of sparkling threads made from dreams, hugs and kisses you burst from the chest of your still living host in a spray of blood and gore.

3) Your Pixie Dust? Pixie anthrax.

4) While clapping and believing may bring other fairies back to life, you find necromancy and the dark arts to be a much more reliable alternative.

5) Oh, you'll grant wishes, but only wishes that involve the words "pain" and/or "rectal bleeding."

6) Your "Mystical Fairy Wand" is really a weighted Billy-club painted white and coated in glitter.

7) If other fairies seem to glow with a vibrant light, its because you've just set them on fire.

8) You're honestly depressed that your stint as "The Cancer Fairy" didn't go over as well as you had anticipated.

9) Your frilly gown is only pink because blood stains are *really* hard to get out.

10) You just got a tattoo of a 40 year old white chick on the small of your back.

11) You think that sprinkling adorable children with glitter and telling them to "think happy thoughts" is a great way to get them to jump out of their second story bedroom window.

12) Appearing in a glowing pink bubble and a tinkle of laughter will get the attention of a sleeping child, but then again - so will your tazer.

13) Kids leave YOU money under your pillow so that you WON'T take their teeth.

14) When someone has been kicked with your pretty pink pointy fairy shoes, they KNOW they have been kicked with your pretty pink pointy fairy shoes.

15) Even though it makes most children cry, you still think that "ThereisnoSanta TheEasterBunnyDied" is a GOOD Fairy name.

16) You have argued more than once that "Setting things on fire" is indeed a "very fairy-like quality".

17) No one in your neighborhood finds your "bug zapper collection" even remotely amusing.

18) On more than one occasion you've been known to grab your crotch while screaming "Think happy thoughts? I've got your HAPPY THOUGHTS RIGHT HERE".

19) Your "dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" has been known to involve garter belts and several dollar bills.

20) The colorful spots and swirls on your delicate wings spell out the phrase "Eat me".

21) You discovered that the cuter you made your name, the more you could get away with. Meadow Goldenflower could get away with a lot, but Lovekisses Sunnymuffin could eat BABIES.

22) You know that "Fairy Godmother" has NOTHING to do with the Mafia and Organized Crime......yet.

23) You still don't understand why Wendy insisted on sewing Peter Pan's shadow back on when you had a perfectly good nail gun out in the truck.

24) You live by the motto "The first rule of Fairy Fight Club is that you do NOT TALK ABOUT Fairy Fight Club."

25) You've had to be reminded more than once that it's called "Spreading Fairy Kisses" and not "Spreading Fairy Herpes" and that your name is *NOT* "Itchy GlitterSores".


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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016