"EQ2 Halloween - Robot Chicken Style"
EQ2 Humor by Coyote
A large cat man sits in a plush leather chair as he grins happily into the camera and lazily swirls a wine glass full of milk.
"Bloopers. Blunders. Short clips that have no place anywhere else.." The large Kerran preludes as he sips from the milk.
"We have no robot and we have no chicken, but what we do have is a bit that went over well, the Halloween season and several shorts that probably infringe on copyrights in several places." The cat man chuckles as he finishes the milk.
"So sit back and relax and don't sue us as we bring you more news clips that didn't quite make it." He chuckles lightly and points to a large white screen that has the number "3" glowing in its center.
The screen comes to life as the number beings to count down from;
"This is Coyotee Sharptongue reporting to you LIVE from the dreaded Haunted House of North Qeynos." A large cat-man holding a microphone stares seriously into the camera as he gestures around the old, dust covered home behind him.
"For years it has lurked among us, daunting us during the Halloween season, daring even the bravest of souls to step foot in. Its initial occupant, the ghostly butler awaits, tasking us with his unfinished business from beyond the grave, leaving only one question in the hearts and minds of those who enter" The reporter trails as he turns towards the glowing figure of the phantom house keeper who floats towards the camera, his mouth open in a silent scream.
"Why the [CENSORED] is your [CENSORED] house so DIRTY?" Coyotee asks angrily as the ghostly figure blinks in surprise.
"Um..what?" The spectral butler asks in confusion as he turns towards the reporter.
"Don't "what" me. You know perfectly well what I'm talking about. Look at this [CENSORED] pig sty." Coyotee says in disgust as he kicks at a scurrying spider.
"OoOOoh..I am a..um..GHOST! who..uh. OoOOh cannot pass on until this home is clean!" The ghostly butler explains, trying to return to his spooky persona.
"Um. No. You are a rip off artist who gets poor suckers like ME to clean his house every frigging year and PAY for the privilege of doing so." The cat man says angrily as he crosses his arms.
"But..um..you're helping a spirit rest..and stuff." The butler counters helplessly.
"Yeah, until you throw another Super Bowl party, your friends trash the place and you need it cleaned again. Who the HELL had a life so pathetic that their unfinished business keeping them from eternal rest is dirty dishes and a couple of crooked paintings?" The reporter demands as the butler looks around for help.
"Um..I. uh." The butler stammers as he floats mid-air, unsure of what to do.
"I want my money back." Coyotee demands, holding out a large paw.
"WHAT? Oh COME on!" The butler pleads, but Coyotee holds his ground.
"No. This is BULL[CENSORED] and I want my money back. I'm not coming in here year after year to tidy up your [CENSORED] house. Where's the fun in that? Now pay up." He growls as he taps his palm with a clawed finger.
Sighing in defeat the butler reaches into his pocket and produces a few coins which he deposits in the Kerran's large hand.
"Next year? Change this [CENSORED] and I might be back. Jerk." The reporter growls as he storms out of the house, slamming the door in anger and leaving the ghostly butler alone with the camera crew.
"Wow. What a [CENSORED]." The butler says with a shake of his head as the scene instantly cuts to static.
"Spies. Secret Agents. Men and women of Qeynos who risk life and limb as they infiltrate the enemy and live among them for the safety and benefit of our beloved city. But who are they? Why do they risk it all for such a noble cause? Well tonight we give you the answer. This is Coyotee Sharptongue with Ten Ton Hammer News bringing you the TRUE story." A large Kerran holding a microphone stares intently into the camera as he gives his intro.
"With me tonight is an actual spy whose identity as you'll see, is hidden behind some of the more "outlandish" Halloween costumes that have been on display here in our beautiful city. For his safety, and our own. Should the enemy find out his betrayal then not only would his life be in danger, all of Qeynos could be." The reporter explains as the camera pans to a masked figure leaning against the wall beside him.
The man's face is hidden behind a small black mask, distorting his features enough to hide his actual identity. A large arrow seems to be jutting out of his skull as he stares into the camera. Laughing lightly the reporter nods his head towards the arrow and acknowledges the joke.
"A sense of humor I see. I guess we do have to keep our spirits high amongst all the cloak and dagger drama that surrounds us." Coyotee chuckles as he looks at the arrow.
"While the arrow mask, which is available here in North Qeynos.." The reporter turns towards the camera with a quick plug for his city. "...is a nice touch. It hardly hides your identity. Can you tell us, how did you get into spying?" He asks as he holds the microphone out towards the man, who still hasn't moved.
"Can you tell us what it is like to be a spy?" Coyotee tries again as the man stares blankly on.
"Are you alright?" The cat man asks as he reaches out to touch the shoulder of the spy before him.
The pressure causes the man to topple forward with a heavy thud as he hits the ground unmoving. Eyes wide with fear Coyotee lets loose with a loud, extremely girlish scream at the realization that the arrow mask is in fact extremely *real*.
Throwing his microphone behind him, the reporter makes a mad dash down the street as he runs in a serpentine motion, his arms flailing wildly in panic until he is out of site.
The camera still rolling even beyond the reporter's hasty exit reveal an evil chuckle as the spy sits up and looks in the direction the fleeing Coyotee ran.
"Did you get it? Did you get that SCREAM?" The man asks the camera as he laughs loudly and removes the fake arrow.
"Oh man...I think he wet himself." He laughs as the camera quickly cuts to static.
"Trick or Treat!" A large and overly happy Ogre dressed in a neon pink tutu and fairy wings screams eagerly as he pounds on the closed door of a small cottage.
"Just a moment!" A voice from inside the dwelling calls out causing the mammoth "Fairy Princess" to bounce happily from foot to foot.
The door slowly opens as an old man smiles gently up at the huge trick-or-treater and reaches into his bowl of treats.
"Here you go big fella, happy Halloween!" The smiling old man chuckles kindly as he drops an item into the Ogre's bag.
"THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Thaa...hey. What THIS?" The giant's ecstatic thanking turns to a frown as he reaches into the bag and retrieves an apple.
"That's an apple! Nature's candy!" The gentle old man says with another soft laugh as he pats the Ogre's hand.
"Candy apple?" The ogre asks suspiciously as he examines the item. "CHOCOLATE apple?" He asks again, sniffing it lightly.
"No, no, just the regular kind." The old man says in amusement.
"I kill you." The Ogre says with sudden fierceness as the senior's eyes widen in fear.
"What did you ju-" The elderly man's quest for clarification is cut off as the giant Fairy Princess from Hell barrels into his tiny frail frame, forcing him into the house as the door slams loudly. Screams of protest and horror are heard as the Ogre's voice rumbles in rage.
"NEXT YEAR YOU HAVE CANDY! SAY NEXT YEAR YOU HAVE CANDY! SAY IT!" He demands as the scene cuts immediately to static, interrupting the old man's frantic sobs.
A large Kerran dressed as a Roman solider stands nervously on a doorstep as he adjusts the cape and modest loincloth that leave little else to the imagination.
Running a hand over his well formed chest he dons a soldier's helmet, readies his obviously wooden sword and knocks on the door before him.
"I love costume parties." He chuckles to himself as he puts on his most fiercesome scowl and slips into character.
The door opens as he is greeted by a woman in a flowing ball gown, her face hidden behind a large butterfly mask that is held in place by a long stick. Bowing slightly the cat-man steps into the house and turns as the door is closed behind him.
"Coyotee Sharp...er..Coyoticus Maximus reporting as requested to Lucan D'Lere's grand costume ball." The Kerran announces as he offers a sweeping bow to the woman before him, a wry grin spreading his face.
Looking around, he notices that no other costume clad participants are in sight, causing him to frown slightly.
"Am..am I early?" He asks his hostess in confusion as she lowers her mask.
Long golden curls and ruby red lipstick grace the face of Lucan D'Lere as he looks breathlessly at the barely dressed Kerran before him.
"You..you came." The Overlord of Freeport states quietly as he takes in the entire form of the man before him.
"Ahhh..nice..um..c-costume." Coyotee says with a nervous smile as he glances around quickly. "Where...um..Where is everyone else?" He asks with a hopeful grin, fear dancing behind his eyes.
Turning to the large oak door behind him, Lucan D'Lere begins sliding a series of locks into place as he grins playfully.
"I didn't think you'd come." The Overlord admits as he locks the last dead-bolt and turns towards Coyotee.
The two men stare at each other for a long moment before the cat-man sighs and slumps his shoulders in exasperation.
"No one else is coming. Are they?" Coyotee asks the question that he already knows the answer to.
Giggling girlishly Lucan puts the butterfly mask back to his face and steps forward with a long stride just as the scene fades to static.
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