EQ2: Wealthy Lifestyle
by Paul "Slide" Shortt
Good evening and welcome to “Apartments you can’t Afford” with your host Robynfiggle and his inarticulate assistant Mudbonk.
Robynfiggle: Thank you, thank you, and welcome to “Apartments you can’t Afford”.
I’m Robynfiggle, your highly acclaimed tour guide and today we’ll be walking you...
- A large meaty finger heavily taps the gnome on the shoulder.
Robynfiggle: <annoyed> What do you want?
Mudbonk: You not introduce me!
Robynfiggle: ::sigh:: fine fine... and this is my ever-so-subtle assistant Mudbonk. ::ahem:: Now... as I was saying. Today we’ll be walking you through one of the more lavish apartments in Norrath owned by Neriak’s own Drychnath.
Mudbonk: Who Drychnath?
Robynfiggle: <pausing with an incredulous look on his face> He lives here... this is his house. Do you even know what we do for a living?
Mudbonk: <puzzled> Me live in Big Bend!
Robynfiggle: Yes you do but that’s not what I...
Mudbonk: Oooohhhh Kitty Kat! This house have Kitty Kat!
- Mudbonk lumbers quickly after the terrified feline.
Robynfiggle: No Mudbonk! Do NOT play with the...!
- sounds of falling items and breaking glass sound in the distance.
- Camera fades out as Robynfiggle can still be heard cursing.
- Commercial Break: Dancing cows advertise Freeport’s finest Grade C milk “Coujooce”
Robynfiggle: Welcome back to “Apartments you can’t Afford.” So far we’ve seen the front room and a scared cat thanks to my contributive assistant Mudbonk here.
- Camera pans to Mudbonk who is unsuccessfully looking innocent with a cat’s tail hanging down from the corner of his mouth.
Mudbonk: <hiccup> heh heh heh heh.
Robynfiggle: If you would follow me to the foyer, you will see the walls beautifully decorated with pictures painted by some of Norrath’s finest artists. Handcrafted antique music boxes make their home here as well. As we move on toward the main room you will see that Drychnath has set up a small room for business. The sellers bulletin board hangs on the wall just above a built in mail box, an uncommon luxury for most apartments. An ominous looking suit of armor protectively looks over the room as if to say... um... “I’m protecting this exquisite room of business”. Let’s move on to...
- Robynfiggle looks around in a near panic.
Robynfiggle: How in the world did I lose a 7 and a half foot ogre?
- Deep throated laughing and wood stressing can be heard coming from the next room.
- Robynfiggle rushes in to find Mudbonk, jumping on the canopy of an expensive bed.
Mudbonk: Mudbonk love trampoline!
Robynfiggle: <angry> Get down from there this instant! This is not the time to play. WE are supposed to be working here.
- Mudbonk leaps down from the bed and lands on a nearby shelving unit shattering it into a million pieces.
Robynfiggle: Are you out of your mind?
Mudbonk: <scratches head> Me not think so?
Robynfiggle: Just stay close to me so we can get this over with ok?
Mudbonk: <scratching his enormous rear end> Ooookay
Robynfiggle: <increasingly frustrated> As you can plainly see, this room has more pictures and torches, yada yada yada, let’s go upstairs before Mudbonk finds his next pet... or meal.
- Gnome and Ogre climb the stairs into what looks to be a study.
Robynfiggle: Ah, my favorite room of any house. The library, or study as some may call it, can be home of relaxation or the root of many devious plans of deception or conquest. This one in particular comes complete with a plush sitting chair and opulent reading table.
- Robyn and Mud walk toward the bookshelves full of books and scrolls.
Robynfiggle: <elated> Only a rich merchant and full time adventurer could get there hands on all of this material! You might think “big deal a bunch of books!” but the trained eye will see that these are all originals. First editions, some never even duplicated! I would say thousands of platinum worth right here on these beautiful oak shelves.
Mudbonk: So what these for?
Robynfiggle: They’re books Mudbonk... books... you read them. You learn from them.
Mudbonk: <baffled> They not teach me nothing. They just sit there. Maybe they make big fire.
- Mudbonk reaches into his robe and brings out some flint and steel.
- Robynfiggle dives through the air swiping the flint and steel from the big meaty hands of the ogre.
Robynfiggle: <exacerbated> Is there anything else in your robe that I should know about? Anything sticky, explosive, sharp ANYTHING?
- Mudbonk reaches into his pockets and pulls out the lining.
Mudbonk: <sulking> Stupid gnome no fun. Stupid gnome yell at Mudbonk, make him sad.
- robynfiggle climbs up onto the reading table to get within eye level of the frowning ogre.
Robynfiggle: Of course I yell because you keep breaking things. Do you want us to get fired?
Mudbonk: <defensive> But me try to start fire and you get mad. Me know understand you.
Robynfiggle: You are exhausting... you know that right?
Mudbonk: <giggling> Scuze me.
- Robynfiggle walks off set arguing with crew.
Robynfiggle: Stop taping... I need a drink.... I don’t care what my contract says.... ah shut it!
- commercial break: Melfius Farr Super Starr horse/carpet commertial. Only 3% financing on all 1372 used models.
Robynfiggle: sWelcome back once agaan to “Apartsments You can’ts fafford”. <hiccup>
Mudbonk: Why you sound so silly?
Robynfiggle: <mock surprise> Whas do you mean I sound shilly? Eh guy can’t have a drenk wiffout shumun givin him the inquisishunen? *Pffffbbbt* to you sir.
Mudbonk: Gnome not act good. Gnome drink too much.
Robynfiggle: Letsh check out dis next room over her.
- Robynfiggle falls to the ground and passes out.
- Mudbonk looks around uncomfortably then sheepishly waves to the camera with a toothy grin.
- Camera fades out.
- Commercial Break: "Norrathian equity mortgage, the future belongs to yoooooou."
5 hours later -
Robynfiggle: <painful> Welcome back to “Apartments you can’t Afford”. ::mumbles: Ow what a headache.
- Robynfiggle rubs his aching head gingerly.
Robynfiggle: Our next room has been delightfully converted into an armory. As you can see the walls are meticulously decorated with many different Norrathian weapons.
- Mudbonk enters the room rubbing his hands together with glee.
Mudbonk: Shiny weapons. Mudbonk like to play!
- Ogre starts pulling items off the wall, thowing them at the hung-over gnome.
Robynfiggle: <dodging weapons> That’s it! I quit!
- Robynfiggle storms off camera and is heard yelling in the distance.
Robynfiggle: Out of all the available assistants I get this one! Even the over-inflated Sir Marcus McGrath would have been a better choice, but nooooooooo…. Stupid show… Don’t you people know who I am………………………. aaarrrggh!!!
Mudbonk: <waving at camera> buh bye!
Special thanks to Drychnath who allowed us to use his incredibly decorated home. It's well worth your time to stop by and look at it if you are in North Freeport. Just find the posh homes and be sure check it out!
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