In Search Of Cupid
EQ2 Humor by Coyote
A large Kerran sitting in a plush arm chair swirls a wine glass full of milk and smiles as he notices the camera.
"Love." He grins as he lets the single word ring out.
"Why do we fall in love? What IS love? Is there truly a small winged angel deciding our fates? Is there really a deity whose sole purpose is to ensure that we not only find, but fall in love?" He asks as reflects and sips thoughtfully at the milk.
"These questions have plagued Norrath for countless generations, and we here at Ten Ton Hammer decided that we would set forth on a quest - a quest to find Cupid. We would either confirm the myth and interview the man himself, or we would forever put it to rest, leaving it in a child's book of fantasy." He explains as he motions towards a projection screen embossed with a large number three.
"This....is what we discovered. Enjoy." He smiles as the number upon the screen begins to count down from three.
"Cupid. The liaison of love, the bringer of bliss, the deity behind every romantic tryst Norrath has ever known. Some say he is a mere legend. A myth created in simpler times to explain the origin of one of the most confounding emotions. Love." A large cat man holding a microphone stands smiling in front of a camera as he speaks.
"But we here at Ten Ton Hammer don't buy into legends. And we work in fact, not myth. Through exhausting investigation and fact checking we have not only located the creature known as "Cupid", but we bring him to you LIVE for the first time ever! This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer News bringing you this EXCLUSIVE event!" The reporter finishes as he begins to walk, the camera panning with him.
"Joining me today is none other than the winged Cherub himself, Cupid." Coyote introduces. " And in the face of such a legend, one cannot help but feel small in the grand scope of ..your..." Trailing off in mid-sentence Coyotee pales a bit as a slime coated octopus like creature bobs in the air before him and offers a nod of its head in greeting.
"Thanks Coyotee! It is an honor to be here! Big fan, BIG FAN!" Cupid chuckles causing a small globule of slime to drip from his body and pool upon the ground beneath him.
"...you....you have tentacles." Coyotee says in disbelief as "Cupid" slithers forth, his small white wings coated in slime.
"Huh? Oh. Yeah. Tentacles of LOVE." Cupid grins as he holds up a suction cupped limb and waves it at the camera. "Standard issue now-a-days." The creature smiles as he flexes the slime covered appendage.
"....b..but Cupid doesn't HAVE love tentacles..." The Reporter trails as he stares at the twisted Cherub in a mixture of revolution and grim curiosity.
Frowning, Cupid huffs indignantly and pulls himself up to his full diminutive height.
"Shows what you know pal. Hell, the tentacles are more well known than the stupid arrow flinging thing." He chastises as he waves the bow and arrow around angrily.
"But...I..no. No! Where would you even GET Love tentacles?" Coyotee asks in desperation as he shakes his head stubbornly.
"Japan." Cupid grins as offers a sly wink.
"....Japan?" Obviously not following the implied wink the reporter repeats the answer and looks around in confusion before turning quickly back to Cupid, his eyes widening.
"Oh...OH!" Coyotee exclaims in alarm as he takes a step backwards, his eyes flashing in fear.
"Oh...yeah...people love them some tentacles. Anime might be weird, but man, business is BOOMING!" Cupid says with a self satisfied grin as the reporter makes frantic "Cut" gestures towards the camera.
"Why, with this one appendage right here? I can reach right into a - " His words are cut off as the camera quickly snaps to an "Emergency Station Break" sign.
"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer News reporting you LIVE on location where we have just learned that the mythical deity "Cupid" is about to make an announcement." A large cat man holding a microphone smiles into the camera as it pans to a mostly naked elderly man standing next to him.
The senior citizen offers a weak wave to the camera as the reporter's face instantly changes and it is obvious that he is not amused.
"YOU are Cupid?" Coyotee asks dryly as the old man nods in affirmation and struggles to hold up a bow as if showing identification.
"That's right young fella." Cupid chuckles as he runs a hand over his spotted scalp and wispy thinning hair.
"You're like 150. Aren't you a little old to be wearing diapers "Cupid"?" Coyotee asks sarcastically as he rolls his eyes at the old man standing before him.
"No..no. I'm wearing diapers...BECAUSE I'm a little old. Hehe." Cupid responds absently as he scratches his wrinkled gut.
"I don't get .." Sniffing suddenly and his eyes widening in realization the reporter covers his mouth with both hands and suppresses a body spasming dry heave.
The scene cuts to a monstrous Ogre wearing a diaper holding a familiar looking reporter by the ankle. Rapidly swinging the poor news man around and shaking him with a fierce rage, the huge brute's taped on wings bobble with each and every throttle.
"SAY ME CUPID! SAY IT! SAY ME CUPID!" The Ogre roars as he violently shakes the Kerran who dangles helplessly by one leg.
"SAY ME BRING YOU LOVE! SAY IT!" He demands as he rattles the cat man and tosses him like a rag doll.
"Well, we've done it." A large Kerran holding a microphone whispers as he looks into the microphone, excitement rippling across his feline features.
"Hundreds of hand written letters, back alley contacts, and searching the most obscure and arcane archives known to Norrath has finally paid off as we have received word of the exact where-abouts of the Legendary Demi-God of Love, Cupid HIMSELF." The cat man explains excitedly as he leads the camera towards a poorly lit house deep within the city of Freeport.
"I, Coyotee Sharptongue, have arranged a special one-on-one private interview with the Cherub of Affection here at this remote location , to be the FIRST to bring you proof of his existence! Let's GO!" Coyotee roars as he rushes towards the door with a sudden burst of speed.
Bursting into the room excitedly with microphone in hand, Coyote's eyes dart across the dwelling frantically as he searches for the mythological creature he had arranged to interview. But instead of the pint sized bringer of true love his emerald gaze comes to rest on a well dressed man in a grey suit sitting at a table.
Confused the Kerran steps forward and moves to address the man but is cut off before he can speak. Hefting a microphone of his very own, the somber faced human stands and motions towards the table.
"Why don't you have a seat Coyotee." He says firmly in serious tones as he gestures towards an awaiting chair. Not understanding the Kerran moves dumbfounded towards the man, trying to understand the situation.
"I'm ..I was...we're looking for.." Coyotee stammers but is again cut off by the man in the grey suit.
"A young blonde child? Dressed only in a diaper and surrounded by hearts? Yes Coyotee...we know. It's all here." The man announces as he holds up a file and again gestures to the table. "Please sit." He repeats, this time a little more forcefully.
Unable to comprehend the situation the cat man sits slowly while peering up at the other reporter for answers.
"Who are you?" Coyotee finally asks as he shakes his head. "I'm looking for Cupid, is he here?" The reporter inquires as he looks around as if searching for Cupid.
"Coyotee...my name is Chris Hansen, and I dare say that you are in a bit of trouble." The man in the grey suit explains as Coyotee's eyes widen and a look of horror washes over him as the camera quickly snaps to static.
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