In Search of Evil Fae
EQ2 Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue
Swinging his arms happily a large Ogre clad in a tattered pink tutu and a set of poorly constructed cardboard "wings" looks on as a stern faced cat-man holds up a clipboard and scrutinizes him carefully.
"Are you SURE you can do this Krunnk?" The Kerran asks as he looks on skeptically. "Do you need me to go over it again?" He asks as the Ogre shakes his head "no".
"Newp. I get clippy board an' call out NEXT!!" Krunnk screams in a loud voice that threatens to shake the trees. "Then Fairy come over, Krunnk ask "Why you evil?" an' if Fairy is evil, Krunnk say "YOU WIN!" an' Evil Fairy contest over. Right?" The Ogre asks happily as he continues to swing his arms.
"Yeah...that's pretty much it." The cat-man says shaking his head doubtfully. "I appreciate you covering this for me Krunnk. As soon as you get a winner let me know and we'll announce the new race to Norrath." He grins as he hands the Ogre the clip board.
Snatching the clipboard greedily the Ogre titters with happiness as he dances around in joy. Still shaking his head as if regretting the decision the cat-man walks off leaving Krunnk to run the show. Eager to start Krunnk clears his throat and suppresses a giggle as he calls out to the first contestant.
"Meadow Huggykiss!" Krunnk cries out happily as he shifts from foot to foot and looks at his clipboard.
A small angry looking Fae wearing a black beret flutters to the feet of the large Ogre and crosses his arms expectantly. Looking down Krunnk titters with happiness as he points to the stern faced Fairy.
"OOH!! HER GOT LITTLE HAT! she so..CUTE!" Krunnk laughs loudly, his mirth only souring the tiny Fae's demeanor.
"And what is *THAT* supposed to mean? Just because I'm a Fairy I have to be a female?" The Fae demand as he snarls up at the jolly Ogre.
"But you have pretty little hat and - " Krunnk responds hesitantly, slightly taken aback by the Fae's cross attitude and is immediately cut off.
"Oh, now MALE Fae can't wear hats? That it? All the Fairies have to be female and fly around giggling and granting wishes?" The beret wearing Fae asks in a condescending tone as the Ogre looks incredibly guilty.
"No, me mean you name is Meadow and that -" The mammoth Ogre tries to explain in apologetic tones but his answers only further infuriated the tiny Fae.
"Oh, NOW your saying that Meadow is a GIRL'S name? Can't be no BOY named Meadow! That'll just shatter all of your little preconstructed notions of how a Fairy is supposed to be, that it? I'm not FAIRY enough to be named Meadow?" The angry Fairy growls as Krunnk looks around quickly in alarm.
"No..um. I just..um.." Krunnk stammers as his face begins to redden in embarrassment as the accusing Fairy looks up expectantly. Looking around once more for any sort of assistance, Krunnk looks at the Fairy and then his Clipboard.
Lifting his foot quickly the hulking Ogre brings it down with a sickening crunch as the hostile Fae disappears beneath the monster's mammoth boot.
Looking around quickly Krunnk kicks the remains of the militant Fae into the bushes before looking back down at his clipboard.
"Um..n..next!" He calls out as he tries to look innocent.
A moment later a slow moving Fae barely glides to the foot of the towering Ogre. The Fairy is dressed completely in black, its wings are pierced and it's hair tumbles down into it's face obscuring his eyes.
"Name?" Krunnk asks as he looks down at the darkly dressed Fae. Mumbling something unintelligible and shrugging slightly the Fairy puts it's hands in it's pockets and sighs deeply.
"Um. What?" The Ogre asks again, bending down slightly. With another loud sigh the black clad Fae looks up and speaks again, his voice slightly louder.
"I said, Angstheart Sorrow'Wings...like it matters." The Fairy answers in barely a whisper. Looking at the tiny Fairy with a frown Krunnk scratches his head with the end of his pencil and looks around in confusion.
"You not evil Fae. You just...sad Fae. What wrong?" The Ogre asks curiously as he takes in the emotional sprite at his feet.
"Whatever man. Just...whatever." Angstheart says with another lazy shrug as he looks off into the distance with brooding eyes.
"You need to cheer up." The Ogre frowns as he watches the Fairy. "Say you cheer up." He demands as he prods the Fae gently with his foot.
"Cheer up?" The Fairy scoffs. "How can I be cheery when I know that I'm going to die? Flowers wither and die, trees lay cold and barren, their leaves crumbled and broken like the hopes and dreams of the innocent." Angst finishes looking down at his small black combat boots.
Blinking in disbelief Krunnk grows angry as he shakes a meaty finger at the tiny Fae.v
"YOU NOT KILL TREES! THAT BAD!" He growls as he stomps on the Fairy in frustration. "SAY YOU NOT KILL TREES! SAY YOU NOT KILL TREES!" He howls as he throws a tantrum, repeatedly crushing the Fae beneath his feet.
After a long moment the tantrum subsides and as he slowly stops stomping on the now pulped remains of the Emo Fae, the Ogre's eyes widen.
"Ught oh." Krunnk says as he slowly looks under his boot. Looking around quickly he looks at his clipboard and quickly calls out to the next applicant.
"NEXT!" He roars as he nonchalantly scrapes his boot off on the bush containing the body of the previous applicant.
A brightly colored Fae flutters to the Ogre's feet and smiles happily up at the towering brute. A perfectly manicured but obviously evil goatee graces the tiny figure's face.
"Hello, my name is Darkwhisper Ge-" The Fae starts happily, but his greetings are instantly and forever silenced by the Ogre's large boot violently crushing his body.
Giggling to himself Krunnk looks at the list and happily calls out "NEXT!" in a loud voice. Tittering to himself and looking at the bottom of his boots Krunnk grins as he looks around in confusion.
"I SAY NEXT!" He growls looking at his clipboard. "Next mean YOU NEXT Um....MissusMisterPrettyFairy WhoEvilButNotTooEvilKindaNice." He blinks as he reads the name from his list.
"THAT ME!" A booming yet still surprisingly feminine voice calls out as a female Ogre runs happily towards Krunnk.
Dressed almost exactly like her male counterpart, MissusMisterPretty straightens out her tattered tutu and adjusts her cardboard wings as she runs a massive hand through her hair daintily as Krunnk watches in silent shock.
Staring at the female Ogre with wide eyes Krunnk stammers as he reddens before looking at his clipboard nervously.
"You MissusMisterPrettyFairy WhoEvilButNotTooEvilKindaNice?" He asks as he looks over the female Ogre who nods a bashful yes as she swings her strapped on wings from side to side.
"You win 'cause you BEST EVIL FAIRY EVER!" Krunnk admits as he shakes his head in amazement much to the delight of Missy who coos with happiness and plants a large kiss on the Ogre's cheek.
Wiping his hand across his face in a mixture of embarrassment, disgust, and what seems to be enjoyment, Krunnk takes the winning Evil Fae by the hand and leads her away, his clipboard dropped and trod upon as his attention is caught and held fast..
"You wanna go stomp some fairies?" He asks bashfully as she giggles and nods. Walking off hand in hand the contest long forgotten, the two Fairy costumed Ogres point at something in the distance and run off laughing.
And across Norrath, Fae both good and evil....screamed.
To read the latest guides, news, and features you can visit our EverQuest II Game Page.