Krunnk in The Closet

By Coyotee Sharptongue

The following product endorsement was paid for by a private commercial sales firm. The following claims and products advertised are not expressly endorsed or backed by Ten Ton Hammer or any of its affiliates.

"You got kiddies who not listen? They stay up when they should be a’sleep? You just not know what to do?" A large Ogre stares into the camera as he reads slowly and mechanically from a cue-card.

"Then you need Krunnk in Closet." He affirms as he theatrically points to himself with a meaty thumb and smiles widely showing a mouth full of wicked teeth.

"Krunnk in Closet is revo..revolu…is NEW product that makes sure kiddies go to sleep when you SAY they go to sleep.” The Ogre reads slowly as he stumbles over the larger words.

"But you not hafta take ME word for it. See for youself." He grins putting a hand to his brow and peering off into the distance as the scene quickly cuts to a concerned looking Halfling couple sitting on a large sofa.

"We've tried everything. Warm Jumjum juice, bedtime stories, even PIE. But nothing could get our son Kezan to go to bed quietly." The male Halfling says in defeat as bows his head, shaking it sadly.

"That's when a friend suggested that we try new Krunnk in the Closet from BK Industries." The female Halfling says sweetly as she pats her husband’s hand.

The scene shifts to a young Halfling boy bouncing happily on his bed, blatantly ignoring the muffled cries from his parents to "Settle down" and "Go to sleep."

Without warning the boy's bedroom closet door shatters into kindling as a fierce looking Ogre explodes from its depths, spittle flying from his tusked maw as he roars at the boy.

"WHY YOU NO GO TO SLEEP?!? YOU SLEEP NOW!!” He screams angrily as he charges forward, stopping just short of the child's bed.

The boy's eyes widen in shock and abject terror as he turns a pale white, the front of his pajamas dampening noticeably before he falls limply to mattress at his feet. With a soft smile, Krunnk gently tucks the boy in and turns towards the camera giving a big "thumb's up".

“But what about our daughter Moonie? She doesn’t have a closet.” The male Halfling asks curiously as the camera cuts back to the couple on the couch.

“That okay Mom an’ Dad.” Krunnk’s voice laughs. “Krunnk in Closet quickly transf..transfer..turn into..TAH-DAH! Krunnk UNDER BED!” He chuckles happily as the scene pans to a young Halfling girl actually sleeping peacefully, a large set of bare feet poking out from under the bed.

“YOU ASLEEP?!? If you NOT asleep Krunnk PUT you to sleep!” The Ogre roars as he lifts the bed and shakes it violently.

The Halfling girl screams as she’s ripped from sleep and holds onto her bed for dear life. After a moment of being roughly tossed around the bed slams back to the floor with a loud thud. Whimpering, the girl curls up into a tight ball and sobs softly.

“It just THAT easy!” The voiceover chuckles as the camera once again pans back to the mother and father who stare horrified off camera.

After a long pause the shocked couple turn back towards the lens, the Mother obviously stammering through her lines.

“W-what if Kezan or Moonie a-aren’t afraid of Ogres?” She asks as her husband continues his frozen stare off camera.

“Ha ha! You no worry Mom! We think of that too! Krunnk in Closet come with buncha outfits! Jus’ tell us what you kid is scared of! Like…” The voiceover laughs as the scene shifts in rapid succession.

“Angry Bear.” Krunnk bursts from the closet in a bear outfit, wicked claws and fangs dripping with gore as he snarls menacingly. Kezan screams in horror as he grips the blankets in fear and clutches them to his chest.

“Crazed Axe Murderer.” Krunnk runs out of the closet hefting a giant axe as he howls madly. His face is hidden by a grotesque mask as he towers over the figure of the small boy who twitches and suddenly falls foward unconscious.

“Zombie” Krunnk pokes the boy who is still laying on his face unmoving. “ okay?” He asks as he prods him with a zombified finger, his voice concerned from behind the rotting zombie mask.

“And new for Krunnk Under Bed, Gramma!” Krunnk’s arms, draped in a woman’s white frilly robe snake out from under the bed and grasp at the whimpering Moonie. “Give Gramma KISS!” He yells as she shrinks away from his touch. “ME TAKE YOU TO BINGO.... IN HELL!” He cackles as he slaps wildly at the bed.

The scene cuts one last time to show the entire Halfling family standing in front of their house. Both parents are smiling and waving brightly while tired and red-rimmed eyed children twitch nervously as they look around in paranoia.

“Thanks to Krunnk in the Closet, our children now go to bed on time, AND stay in bed without complaint!” The father laughs cheerily, his exuberant voice causing both children to flinch involuntarily.

“And while Moonie has been wetting the bed every night, her sleep walking has all but stopped! Thank YOU Krunnk under the Bed!” The mother grins as she laughs along with her husband. Kezan starts crying for no apparent reason as Moonie follow, sobbing into her hands.

“No, thank YOU Family! So you hear it here first folks! Krunnk in Closet or Krunnk Under Bed can help solve ALL you problems! Call us TODAY!” Krunnk’s voiceover implores as the entire scene fades to black, a small blurb flashing quickly at the bottom of the advert.

BK Industries is not responsible for death, injury, or childhood trauma. May cause neurosis in small races. Krunnk products may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Krunnk products may stick to certain types of skin. Do not taunt Krunnk products. No returns or refunds. Krunnk say NO REFUND!

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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016