Krunnk's Quest Guide

by: Coyotee Sharptongue

A large Ogre stands in front of a large, badly painted sign that reads “Krunnk's Kwest Gide”, its wet paint still dripping and smearing the words. He waves emphatically at the camera and gestures to come closer as he grins happily.

“HELLO! Me Krunnk an' welcome to KRUNNK QUEST GUIDE!” He says in a booming voice as he thrusts out his chest and points to himself with a meaty thumb.   “You ever wanna do quest, but not know how?” He asks theatrically in obviously well rehearsed tones.   “Now KRUNNK help you!” He says cheerfully as he offers a toothy grin.   “T'day we gunna teach you THREE quests an' help you get stuffs!” He promises as he holds up four fingers.

“You feet hurt? Need new boots but not have any money?” He asks again as he starts to walk towards a large stone building.

“First quest is for Dorf Work Boots.” Krunnk explains as he approaches a stout dwarf who smiles into the camera.

“Dorf boots small but toughs. Plus they not pinch you piggy toes.” Krunnk explains in serious tones as he turns to the dwarf.

“First step. Talk to this dorf. This Hwal Ruc..rucsomething. Him give boots.” He turns towards the dwarf who suddenly comes alive.

“Why hello Krunnk! If you want my work boots, you're going to have to collect some lumber and stone for me!” Hwal chuckles as he winks into the camera.

“Dorf will say this.” Krunnk nods pointing to Hwal. “But it much easier to just to rip off him legs and take boots.” He continues, much to the alarm of Hwal.

“R-rip off my LEGS? N-no! You're supposed to quest for these and –“ the startled dwarf tries to explain as Krunnk reaches forward with a growl.

“WAIT! NO!! TAKE'EM!! TAKE'EM!!” Hwal screams, as he hops out of his foot wear and throws them at the approaching Ogre.

“Now you got dorf boots. It just THAT EASY!” Krunnk smiles as he holds up the boots for the camera. Hwal huddles in the corner as the huge ogre admires his newly quested items.

He slowly begins to walk away from the stone building, the camera following him with each step.

“But jus' ‘cause you gots NEW boots.” He begins as he starts his hike. “No mean you gots to walk EVERYWHERE.” He explains with a grin as he continues walk.

“Next we teach you how to get on big birdy thing.” Krunnk says, pointing to the sky.

“But while we on way there, we teach you trick to make long walk go QUICK!” The ogre promises with a smile.

“There is stupid guy in Qeynos who take stuff you find on ground and give you PRETTY SHINIES for.” He confides as he continues his journey.

“Most easy is buttflies. You find buttflies all over. Step on'em, pick'em out of you hair or just beat someone up an' take THEIR buttflies.” He chuckles, smacking a fist into his palm. “But get'em. Once you get whole bunch, take'em to stupid guy in Qeynos. He tell you good job and give you stuff. If him tell you that you not have enough buttflies, you jus' mash him real good and he give you stuff.” He finishes as he looks up at a large griffon tower.

”We HERE!” Krunnk exclaims excitedly as he points towards the structure.

“Hello! Would you like to use the NEW Griffon towers?” A human griffon trainer asks eagerly as Krunnk nods an emphatic yes.

“KRUNNK RIDE KITTYBIRD!” He shouts with glee and steps forward.

“Not so fast.” The griffon rider chuckles and puts his hand on the ogre's large chest.

“In order to ride, you need to bring me griffon eggs.” The trainer instructs as Krunnk turns to the camera.

“Him want eggs. They easy to find. Just kill snake and SAY they birdie eggs.” He says slyly in a stage whisper that the trainer can't help but hear as he hands two small items to the trainer.

“I need GRIFFON eggs.” The trainer says dryly.

“Them IS griffy eggs.” Krunnk responses as he winks slyly.

“Okay. First, you are winking AT ME. If you are going to LIE to ME, you don't wink at ME. Second, I just HEARD you say that they were snake eggs, and LASTLY, these aren't even SNAKE eggs, they're rocks.” The trainer says as he holds up two dirty stones.

“They GRIFFY EGGS.” Krunnk growls in warning.

“They are ROCKS.” The trainer growls back.

With a roar Krunnk grabs the griffon trainer and hoists him into the air by one leg and proceeds to shake him violently.

“SAY THEY GRIFFY EGGS! SAY THEY GRIFFY EGGS!” The ogre screams as the helpless trainer bounces roughly in his grasp.

“Okay! OKAY! They're GRIFFON EGGS! THEY ARE GRIFFON EGGS!” The man shrieks in fear as Krunnk tosses him to the ground.

“See? It just that easy.” The ogre grins as he moves towards a griffon and climbs up on its back.

“OOPS! It look like we run out of time ‘cause me bored!” Krunnk announces to the camera as he digs his heels into the startled creature's sides.

“ME SEE YOU NEXT TIME!” He waves as he kicks the beast again. “GIDDYUP HORSEY!” He commands as the griffon leaps into the air.

As the camera fades to black a cheerful cry of “Weeeeeeeee!” can almost be heard over the painful groans of the battered trainer.

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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016