"Persons for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies"


EQ2 Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news reporting to you live from the Thundering Steppes where, as you can see, a large group of protestors have gathered in this field behind me." A large Kerran holding a microphone explains excitedly as he moves towards the mass of shouting adventurers.

"Standing with me today is protest leader and local Qeynosian activist Ingrid Treehugger. What brings you to such a dangerous location today, Ingrid?" Coyotee asks as he holds the microphone towards a scowling woman, his eyes flickering towards several undead creatures that mill about in the field behind those gathered.

"Shock and outrage Coyotee. Shock , outrage, and sheer and utter EMBARRASSMENT for our barbaric society." Ingrid growls as she looks into the camera disapprovingly.

"Please explain." The reporter prods as the woman steadies herself and takes an angry breath.

"Too long have people sat idly by, turning a blind eye towards the cruelty and humiliation that we inflict. Well we sit idle no longer, because today PETZ rallies forth." She says with a raised fist, causing the crowd to roar in approval.

"PETZ?" Coyotee inquires as he cocks his head slightly to one side.

"Persons for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies," Ingrid says smugly, obviously proud of her acronym.

"Zombies?" Coyotee asks incredulously as he looks back at those gathered in support, then past them to the slowly approaching creatures that shamble clumsily in the distance.

"That's right. Zombies. The living challenged. They have been beaten, abused, and exploited long enough." The protest leader chastises as she glowers into the camera.

"Exploited how?" Coyotee asks as he turns back to the protest leader, his eyes warily darting to the zombies that draw nearer with each stumbling step.

"For years Necromancers have been callously summoning and enslaving these wondrous and intelligent beings without even once considering their thoughts or feelings." Ingrid explains angrily as she slams a fist indignantly into her palm to emphasis her point.

"What thoughts or feelings? It's a ZOMBIE." Coyotee exclaims incredulously, his blunt statement drawing an agitated glare from Ingrid.

"Oh, so being undead somehow gives us the right to enslave these beautiful creatures? To separate them from their homes and families and to rip them from their natural habitat?"

"WHAT natural habitat? They are ZOMBIES. They don't have a natural – okay..look. Their natural habitat is a box in the ground being eaten by worms. If ANYTHING a zombie is UN-natural, and employing their services helps rid us of their population." The Kerran reporter sighs in exasperation.

"RID us of these BEAUTIFUL creatures? How *dare* you sir." The woman spits with a growl. "These wonderful, graceful and loving creatures want nothing more than to live out their lives in peace! Who are WE to deny them this basic right?" She asks as her fists tighten in rage.

"But they don't HAVE lives! They are ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES - The reanimated corpses of long dead creatures whose only purpose is to serve with undying loyalty and maybe snack on a few brains. Zombies don't LOVE you, they aren't perky happy puppies – HELL, they EAT perky happy puppies!" Coyotee points out in disbelief, his frustration obvious.

"It is JUST that kind of mentality that we are rallying against! We will no longer stand idly by as these wonderful beings are repressed by you and your uncaring attitude."

"You are obviously a woman of no small influence." The reporter sighs as he slowly shakes his head. "Couldn't you like..rally for another cause? Something justifiable? Maybe "Save the Whales" or some such?" He asks hopefully as he looks up.

"Zombie Whales?" Ingrid inquires, a pensive look gracing her face.

"Um..no..no. The regular kind." Coyotee explains.

"Then screw 'em," Ingrid says flippantly with an unconcerned shrug.

The large Kerran simply stares at the woman as he slowly shakes his head and turns to face the camera. Opening his mouth to address the viewing audience, his words are cut off by an exuberant cry from the crowd behind him.

"LOOK! One of our undying brothers wishes to thank us for our valiant efforts!" A voice calls out as one of the zombies from the distance finally draws nearer. Locking its rotted gaze on Ingrid, it lurches forward, the crowd parting with a victorious cheer.

Turning back towards the camera with a defeated shrug, the reporter gazes into the lens and takes a deep breath.

"When championing a cause, one puts their heart, their soul…" Coyotee begins, pausing slightly as the zombie raises its rotting arms as it draws closer to Ingrid.

"I accept you without judgment my no longer breathing friend," she says, beaming with love as she steps into the zombie's open arms and embraces it in a tight hug.

"…some would argue, even a bit of their very life into their efforts." Coyotee tries to continue as the zombie returns the embrace, its putrid maw opening as it leans into the hug.

"Heh..so affectionate. Ow! Okay fella…okay…you can let go..now..Ow..hey..HEY!" Ingrid's gentle cooing turns a bit frantic as the undead monster tightens its deadly grip.

"But when you become so wrapped up in forcing others to your way of thinking, that you lose sight of what initially inspired you to achieve your goals, you sully the very cause that you were trying to make noble." The reporter continues steadily, never looking back at the now fiercely struggling protest leader.

"OH GOD ITS CHEWING ON MY HEAD! WHY IS IT CHEWING ON MY HEAD?! SOMEONE KILL IT! KILL IT Killlurgle." Ingrid's horrified screams are silenced by a grotesque wet crunch as her body goes limp.

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer News, bringing you the true story. Back to you Tom and Diane." The reporter finishes amidst the wet, slopping sounds of something chewing noisily.


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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

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