The Plane of Fear
EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue
"Your heart pounds frantically, every beat echoing the crushing waves of terror that envelope you, drowning you in a panicked tide of cold sweat. Horror. Terror. Fear. Few would ever venture willingly into its clutches, and fewer still would be bold enough to confront it in its own home." A large Kerran, known only as Coyotee Sharptongue, holds a microphone as he whispers breathlessly into the camera.
"Yet we're about to do just that." The Kerran smiles as he nods to a small Halfling to his right. "Standing with me today is none other than Pickleberry Fuzzlefoots, Manager, Developer, and assist creator...of the Plane of Fear." Coyotee grins into the camera as the Halfling smiles smugly.
"Risking his life, his limbs, his very existence among the gods, Pickleberry has agreed to give the folks here at Ten Ton Hammer news, an EXCLUSIVE first EVER sneak peek at the newly discovered zone, and all of the horrors that it contains." The reporter grins as Pickleberry clears his throat.
"Ready yourself Coyotee Sharptongue, for you are about to see the sights, the visions, and the HORROR that is in store for all of Norrath. You will be the first to witness the Plane of Fear in all of its monstrous glory." Pickleberry exclaims as he holds up a strange looking device covered in flashing lights and large buttons.
"We're ready, and again - thank you for this honor." Coyotee says in gratitude as he and his crew brace themselves.
With a nod of his small head Pickleberry Fuzzlefoots takes a deep breath and pushes a single flashing button on his controller as the world grows impossibly dark.
"Where are we?" Coyotee asks as a small light, its source unseen, illuminates an area of complete darkness. In its glow, Pickleberry can be seen standing next to an object covered in a large cloth.
"You are in the Plane of Fear foolish mortal." The Halfling laughs manically. You wished to see the soul scarring abominations that haunt this place?" He laughs darkly.
"THEN BEHOLD! The first of countless horrors that those foolish enough to venture here will be subjected to!" Pickleberry shrieks as he rips off the dust cover and throws it violently to the side.
Flinching involuntarily, the reporter braces himself for the unleashed horror, only to find himself staring fearfully at a pedestal on which several hotdogs have been placed.
"Hotdogs?" Coyotee asks in surprise as he leans forward sniffing.
"Not too shabby, eh?" Pickleberry asks proudly as he rests his thumbs in his the crook of his armpits and rocks back on his heels, smiling happily.
"Hotdogs?" Coyotee asks again as he looks from the food to the Halfling, whose smile suddenly fades.
"Well SURE!" He says defensively. "Do you know what is *IN* Hotdogs? Do you know how they are MADE?!" the Halfling asks in exasperation.
"Well no." The Kerran admits sheepishly as he looks around. "But hotdogs aren't scary - Can I have one?" He asks as he hungrily eyes the processed meat.
"NO you cannot HAVE one!" Pickleberry says indignantly. "If I showed you how they were MADE you'd be HORRIFIED!" He scolds angrily as he reporter shrugs and looks around unimpressed.
"Fine You want SCARY? Follow ME!" The small man stomps forward into the darkness as the reporter and crew follow.
The nothingness of the Plane engulfs them, and for a moment all is black. In an instant, the world explodes around them as the shocked reporter and his camera crew find themselves in a very small room.
"Welcome... to the Tomb of Perpetual Torment." Pickleberry announces in a booming voice that seems much too large for his little body.
Looking around with a frown the catman scratches his head as his eyes dart over white porcelain tiles and a very small toilet.
"It looks like a bathroom." Coyotee points out causing his tour guide to laugh evilly.
"It IS a bathroom!" Pickleberry cackles evilly as Coyotee looks around, not comprehending.
"What is... perpetual or tormenting about a bathroom?" The reporter finally asks as the Halfling rubs his hands together in malice.
"There is only one way out." Pickleberry informs as he nods towards the door. "But wait...something is amiss!" He says dramatically, causing the Kerran to look around again.
"There's no WASH BASIN!" Pickleberry exclaims in mock horror. "Not a single person who's touched that door knob...HAS WASHED THEIR HANDS!" He screams maniacally as he points to the door's handle.
"So?" Coyotee asks, not seeing the point.
"S... SO?!?" The Halfling sputters. "So?! So - NO ONE has like WASHED THEIR HANDS! I mean LOOK! It's just TEEMING with bacteria and germs and... and " He looks around frantically. "PEE! THERE IS PEE ON THE DOORKNOB!" He howls.
"But I could just open the door and leave?" The reporter asks.
"Well sure if you WANT TO TOUCH PEE!" Pickleberry sputters again in disbelief.
"You have a lot of issues, don't you?" Coyotee asks with a tilt of his head.
Glowering angrily at the Kerran, the small Halfling grumbles something under his breath and fiddles with his strange device, plunging them all once again into a sea of dark.
They appear suddenly beside a large enclosed body of water. His eyes adjusting to the brightness once again, the Reporter looks around expectantly.
"BEHOLD COYOTEE SHARPTONGUE!" Pickleberry screams again in his theatrical voice as he points towards the water.
"Its a pool." The reporter sighs.
"Its a *public* pool." Pickleberry grins, obviously pleased with himself.
"And?" Asks the expectant cat man as he looks at the water.
"You have to CROSS it, in order to escape the zone." The tour guide explains as the reporter nods in understanding.
"Is it filled with snakes? Water elementals? Acid?" Coyotee asks hopefully, only to pull a long dour look from the Halfling.
"What? No. Its a PUBLIC POOL. Its filled with like old Band-Aids and snot and and PEE!" Pickleberry says in exasperation.
"Your pee fetish is starting to concern me." Coyotee says in a worried voice only to draw more ire from the Halfling.
"Get out." Pickleberry demands with a glare.
"I'm just saying that you -" The reporter says cautiously, trying to gently explain, but he's cut off.
"OUT." Pickleberry commands and with a push of his button the Kerran reporter is whisked away without another word.
Grumbling to himself the Halfling mimics the Kerran as he pulls a "hand-i-wipe" from his pocket and starts cleaning his palms.
"Stupid... not finished... Kerrans think theyre so smart... Moorgard not ready yet." The Halfling growls as he looks up and notices the camera.
"You can leave too." He says with a sneer as he pushes a button on his strange device, instantly cutting the camera to static."
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