Posted Mon, Jul 01, 2013 by Uncle Lester
Uncle Lester may live in a van down by the river, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a gamer at heart. Always on the lookout for an unsecured Wi-Fi connection to use before being runoff, his quest for gamer glory continues!
Hello and welcome to the sixth edition of Gaming with Uncle Lester! I’m your host of today’s show, Uncle Lester. As a quick note to those that read Friday's piece, it should be pointed out that a lot lizard is NOT a reptile like I thought it was. I won't explain what it is, but aside from it not being safe to look up at work, let's just say that it's the bottom of the call girl barrel and even if I had the $1.50 to spare, I wouldn't bother. Things that make you go, "EWWWWW!” So, I'm going to send out today's piece, and then I'm hitting the road again! Before I do though...
It's 2013. It's no longer 1998. A reasonably sane person would accept the logical notion that we would have made some progress by now and by "we", I mean the game industry. So... since its 2013 rather than 1998, why the hell am I still being sent out to slaughter random creatures for some lazy NPC that doesn't want to get the hell off of his ass at level 1? If you want me to bring you dinner, just say so. There's no need to make up some wild story about how a crazed crab took your second cousin's toe while he was sitting on the beach trying to catch some rays and that’s why you need 8 crab legs for your soup.
Why can't we get something interesting and new? Or at the very least, if you're still going to bore the hell out of your gamers with another bullshit quest right off the bat, at least make the story SO ridiculous that there's value in the act of hearing just how over the top the tale becomes as you complete each stage of the quest.
First, you find the crab, which begs and pleads for her life. Rather than kill her as Zeke the Geek demands, you agree to help the crab get a big enough meal that will feed her and her kids for the next 2 months. So you go back, whack ol' Zeke on over the head and drag him back to the crab but she gets greedy and tries to take you out too. Now you’re forced to kill Momma Crab which now opens the door for you to loot her dead corpse and that of Zeke the Geek as well. SCORE! Admit it... you didn't like him anyway, right? I'm not asking for things to change completely but beginner levels in games need some serious sprucing up.
That’s it for today’s show but tune in tomorrow for more from your vagrant vagabond of the gaming world, Uncle Lester! Be sure to follow me on Twitter at @UncleLesterWIFI too or send me an email with your gamer topic at [email protected]!