MAJOR BIG UPDATE STUFF: I didn't get fired, but I'm going to need a miracle to get me to Vegas for SOE Live. You can be the miracle! Just follow some Ten Ton Hammer social media feeds and enter to win some cool prizes in the Super SOE Ninja Loot Giveaway.
In just a few short weeks Sony Online Entertainment will host SOE Live at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. And so far, IÂm not on Ten Ton HammerÂs short list to go. Which sucks. Because I really want to be there when SOE unveils EverQuest Next on August 2nd, and if IÂm not I might just, I donÂt know...stick a fork in my eye. Or (and this is better, because it doesnÂt involve forks or eyeballs, and I kind of like my green eyes) pop a Xanax or two and hide under the covers all day with my Kindle Fire watching streaming video and whimpering because itÂs just not the same, damnit.
But I thought IÂd try this tactic first. You see, itÂs not that my bosses donÂt like me, or that Ten Ton Hammer doesnÂt have the funds to send me, or anything like that. The reality is that the stars have aligned against me. A whopping contingency of 7 awesome Ten Ton Hammer staff members (I mean this. TheyÂre truly amazing. Not sucking up here, people!) are already slated to attend SOE Live because there will also be a senior management meeting in Vegas at the same time and, well, theyÂre making an event of it. Who wouldnÂt want to offset a bunch of boring meetings with SOE Live excitement? In Vegas?
But IÂm not senior management; IÂm middle management. A features editor. Which means IÂm potentially missing out on SOE Live this year by one step on the corporate ladder. I tell you, how fair is that?
So, this is my petition to my splendid, magnificent, truly wonderful senior bossman, supreme leader and all around swell guy, John ÂBoomjackÂ Hoskin.
IÂve never written a Dear John Letter before. This is weird. (Ignore this part if you get that Dear John Letter shit a lot. You can keep it in if you think itÂs kinda funny, though.)
As you know, because someone as omniscient as you is keenly aware of all things that go on at Ten Ton Hammer, I am not on the list of staff members scheduled to attend SOE Live this year. It is my hope that you, the most magnanimous individual IÂve had the pleasure of knowing these past seven or so years as IÂve poured my lifeblood and creative energy into Ten Ton Hammer, will consider my request to be among the Hammer crew watching the EverQuest Next unveiling on August 2nd. Here are some reasons:
- IÂm like you, John; Norrath was my virtual home for several years. IÂve traveled from Qeynos to Freeport, hunkered down in the East Commons tunnels selling (or buying) wares, had my newb half elf bard slaughtered by Fippy Darkpaw, exacted revenge upon Fippy Darkpaw, ditto Holly Windstalker, AoE buffed in PoK, killed Vox and Naggy and that stupid little guppy, Faydedar (for my druid epic weapon quest), sweated through epic raid wipe corpse runs in Fear...and so on. EQ was my first MMO love, so why wouldnÂt I want to be there when the next great EQ game is unveiled to the world?
- IÂm not much of a drinker. (But you can buy me, like, a tequila sunrise if you want.) Or a gambler. You know what that means? I have a +20 immunity to Vegas, baby. Which means I wonÂt be distracted from writing my fingers off so I can tell our deserving Ten Ton Hammer fans about a stunning next gen MMO the minute I get news about it. Seriously, how cool is that.
- Raelly cool. Because IÂm a gud righter. And I edit myself.
- Have I mentioned my camera? ItÂs a good camera. It shoots video in HD. In low light. And it has a 24X zoom. ItÂs a prosumer thing that cost the loving man who bought it for me for Christmas big bucks. (And for which I was appropriately grateful, believe me.) I have a nice tripod, too. And theyÂre all loaded with anthrax so no one will steal them. (IÂve spent the last few years developing an immunity to anthrax.) So, think of the great video and images I could capture for our fans!
- Linda Carlson. Linda is so cool. (Hi, Linda! I hope you read this. Tell John about the egregious oversight that has me not on the TTH list to go to SOE Live, would you? Thanks!) I donÂt know Linda very well personally, but I know that I love seeing her dressed up as Brasse at SOE Live. And, as I recall, she makes BrassesÂs beard out of dog hair, and the thing looks freakinÂ REAL. (I know, I know -- it is real. There is no Linda, only Brasse.) For those of you who donÂt know who Linda is, sheÂs Director of Global Community Relations for SOE, and sheÂs damn good at what she does. (Again, not sucking up. Why wonÂt you people believe me?) John, I must see Brasse's outfit this year. It's a fashionista thing.
- IÂm usually the one minding the site back home while everyone else goes to events. This is mostly cool with me, because I have a pathological fear of large crowds and body odor. Still, I miss that funny thing you do when you get the check after weÂve all been dining out. And SOE Live is an event I can actually handle, because the crowds are easy to navigate and the people arenÂt really smelly at all!
And so, those are the reasons why I should go to SOE Live, John. I could think of dozens more, but these really should suffice. IÂm sending a kid off to college this fall (as an English major with a writing emphasis, and a minor in Game Design Communications. How cool is that?) Because college is expensive, thereÂs no way I can afford my own ticket and accommodations. If Ten Ton Hammer doesnÂt see the value in my attending SOE Live, then IÂll be home with my Kindle Fire and some Xanax. (And potentially a fork, but that's a last resort.) Ten Ton Hammer would be better served if I were actually in Vegas writing, capturing video and ooing and aahing my way through the EverQuest Next reveal.
Yours very truly,
Karen ÂShayalyn the Wood Elf DruidÂ Hertzberg
Writer, Editor, EQ Geek
p.s. - Can I borrow some Xanax, just in case?