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Posted Tue, Dec 27, 2005 by Boomjack

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You survived the Christmas rush, or for those of you in the politically correct department, you survived the first part of the holiday season.
Next...resolutions for the new year. No gold farming. No griefing. No kill stealing.
Soooo.... my kids got this "great childrens' movie" for Christmas. You know the one filled with cute, cuddly penguins? The one that is all about nature and the perseverance of these little guys as they fight against the odds to raise a family. Let me tell you folks, this is the most depressing movie I have ever had the misfortune of watching. The DPS (Death Per Second) rate is higher than any Rambo movie.
**Spoiler alert** The penguins must walk 70 miles across the harshest environment the Earth has to offer to find a mate. Some of them, get this, die. Once they get to the destination and actually find a mate they do their thing and then wait around for the egg to appear. Get this, some of them die. Then the mothers' all hike back 70+ miles to get food. Get this, some of them die. When they find food they dive in to catch it and some are... you got it....killed. The ones that get food hike back 70 miles to find that many of the fathers and children are...ready for it.... dead. The fathers then pass the little penguins back to their mothers and in the process some of them... wait for it....die. Then the fathers, who have haven't had anything to eat for four months have to hike 70 miles to get food. You know it...they die.
It was at this point that my daughter, a five-year-old, turned to me and said, "I'm sad, a lot of them die."
The close-up shots of frozen eggs, dead chicks, mothers with their guts spilling across the jaws of a seal, crying fathers and crying mothers, well, it was all very heartwarming and a gave the whole family a real taste of the Christmas spirit from a Christmas Chainsaw Massacre perspective.
As if this wasn't disturbing / annoying enough, when you load this bloody thing into the DVD player the prententious French miscreants who made it felt it was important to force you to watch all of the trailers for the other crappy French movies they have made. You can't jump to the menu until you have seen Gerard Depardieu in at least three other films that nobody outside of France will want to watch.
I think Rex Reed's quote on the movie cover says it all, "Unbelievable".
Death March of the Penguins, coming to a television near you.
Mounts, PvP and new deskpaper! Today, in network news!
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Now on to the real world. You can't make this stuff up.

As always, thanks for visiting TenTonHammer.com,
-- John "Boomjack" Hoskin


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