Welcome to the 812th Edition of Loading...

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Daily Column

Loading... The 'Make A Wish Foundation' for MMOG players.

First, the Ten Ton Pulse, your finger on the beating heart of the MMOG industry.

If the Top 10 isn't enough, we now show the Top 20 and Top 50 lists as well, available to everyone on our homepage. (What is Pulse?)

  1. Age of Conan - 200 BPM
  2. World of Warcraft - 55 BPM
  3. EverQuest 2 - 20 BPM
  4. Lord of the Rings Online - 20 BPM
  5. Warhammer Online - 15 BPM
  6. EVE Online - 13 BPM
  7. Lineage 2 - 12 BPM
  8. Vanguard - 11 BPM
  9. Guild Wars - 11 BPM
  10. Tabula Rasa - 9 BPM

Welcome to your Monday Loading...

You have waited. You have begged. You have made promises that I can't repeat publicly. Your reward has arrived. We have 200 Age of Conan Beta Keys to give away in the next five days. I'm confident that they won't last long. Go get one!

Our New York Comic Con coverage has started to flow to the site. First up, a movie starring our own Garrett Fuller and EA Mythic Director of Community Relations, Bob Mull.

There have been numerous attempts to make movies based on video games. Some of the more notable attempts include Doom, Final Fantasy VII, Hitman, Resident Evil, Tomb Raider and Wing Commander.

As ravenous consumers of pop culture you are gifted with a wealth of knowlege marred only by your inability to find someone who cares to hear about it, Fortunately for you, it's time for a quiz. Let loose the dogs of insignificance. On the wings of the inconsequential I bring you this query. Which director was responsible for such game to movie train wrecks as Alone in the Dark ($20 million to make, Worldwide Gross was $8 million), BloodRayne ($25 million to make, Worldwide Gross was $3.6 million), Postal and A Dungeon Siege Tale (have you even heard of this movie?). The answer which many of you knew, but few of you admitted to knowing is of course, Uwe Boll.

Mr. Boll uses a twist in the tax laws of his native Germany to raise the funds necessary to create some of the worst films ever produced in any genre. These laws allows investors to throw money at German-owned companies who are making films. 100% of their investment can be written off. It gets better, the investors can even use borrowed money and write off any costs involved with the loan. The only taxes that will ever be paid are on the profits of the film, which in Uwe Boll's case are nonexistent.

Boll is well known for attacking not only his critics, but his fans. His witty retorts to critics include,

""Harry and Quint are retards" - in response to a review at Ain't It Cool News

and my personal favourite that was fired off to an Editor at Wired claiming that he didn't,

"understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and @#$% her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it"

Classic!

It gets even better, in 2006 Mr. Boll challenged his critics to boxing matches. Sponsored by Golden Palace, the same miscreants that sent a man wearing a Disney princess dress into the diving pool during the Olympics, this event was dubbed, "Raging Boll". He pummelled all five of his challengers.

He declined to fight Seanbaby, a comedic writer who came into the spotlight about the same time that UGO was refusing to pay its advertising partners. Seanbaby is a humorous, rainbow-haired critic with no lack of wit or opinion. He even put in time as co-host of G4TV, the cable channel that at one time provided entertainment, but now provides an annoyance as you flip past it on your way to the Comedy Network. Boll was to appear on the show and fight one of the co-hosts, likely the small-framed, but quick-witted Kevin Pereira. When asked to fight Seanbaby, who apparently trained in two different martial arts, Boll declined the fight. Seanbaby had this to say,

"Again, he's a matchmaking genius, because everyone on TV's 3-feet tall. If you were watching during the time I co-hosted, you might have noticed that I could have leaned over and eaten host Kevin Pereira. Boxing is to Fighting what Hungry Hungry Hippos is to fighting..."

More recently, and more relevant to this column is that Mr. Boll recently went to Blizzard attempting to get the rights to a World of Warcraft movie. Holy Hannah in a handbasket, who would he have playing Thrall? Danny Bonaduce? What about Betty White as Jaina?

“I got in contact with Paul Sams of Blizzard, and he said, ‘We will not sell the movie rights, not to you…especially not to you,’ Boll revealed to MTV News

Love Uwe or hate him, he's entertaining. It's a shame his movies don't share the same quality.

Who should make the World of Warcraft movie and what historical timeframe should it cover? The The Loading... forums await you.

Do you feel the need to contact me personally with naughty pictures or derogatory comments? Here's my E-mail.

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21 new MMOG hand-crafted articles today! 180 in April! 932 in 2008!

New MMOG Articles At Ten Ton Hammer Today

Ten Ton Hammer @ NY ComicCon 08

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Hot Content - Or, what I took a fancy to

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- John "Boomjack" Hoskin and the Ten Ton Hammer Team

Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

About The Author

Dissecting and distilling the game industry since 1994. Lover of family time, youth hockey, eSports, and the game industry in general.

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