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Coyote's Ultimate Guide to Warhammer Online Part 2

Character Creation: Dwarfs and Greenskins

A Warhammer Guide (really?) by: Coyote

Like a half-moon cookie from hell, darkness and light have to maintain their balance...

...or the good side starts to whine and slinks off to do that everybody-leave-me-alone, but-really-come-see-if-I'm-alright Emo pout that attention whores everywhere have been perfecting for years.

You see, the problem with being "good" is that good is stupid. No one cares about the bunnies or trees or the crap that the good guys cry over - including the good guys. They just have to pretend that they recycle and what not in order to maintain a "good" image. Trust me, when no one is looking that soda can goes right in the trash.

But still, for the sake of perception and maintaining "sides," the classes have to be paired in the name of balance, which brings us to our first two choices in character creation.

Dwarfs Versus Greenskins

Dwarfs - Dwarfs are a race of strong, burly, and muscle-bound midgets who reek of sweat and stale beer. They spend all day digging in the ground like hairy little steam shovels, and work up a good lather of stank that they add to by not shaving or bathing, ever.

A Fire Hydrant of Doooooom!

They have long ass beards, but not cool ones like the guys from ZZ-Top. Dwarven beards are grown out of sheer laziness and are full of bits of chewed food, ticks, and the occasional woodland badger who has set up a nest.

In a word, Dwarfs are gross.

But the little bastages are tougher than hell, stronger than they smell, and wear more metal and steel than in a rave at a Goth Club. Their small size and tendencies to wear heavy armor makes them stinky little fire hydrants of death that should be approached with caution, or at least air freshener. Dwarves have three classes available to them:

Ironbreaker - The Warrior class of the Dwarfs, the Ironbreaker is the nastiest one around. He's crazier, tougher, and more armored than any other Dwarven class, and fighting one is like going twelve rounds with a miniature bear.

Wearing armor.

A tiny little armor wearing smelly bear.

The epitome of "Tank" class, the Ironbreaker is a must in any Order group as they can take a ton of damage and form a wall of steel capable of stopping even the most vicious Destruction charge...

...unless they step over the top of them. Then the smell gets 'em.

Rune Priest - A Priest class (As the name implies), Rune Priests are the Dwarven Healers - but don't let the name fool you.

They won't heal you for crap.

They're Dwarfs, and as previously stated, Dwarfs are frigging tough. So what might look like a painful wound or chopped off limb to you, looks like a paper cut to a Rune Priest.

You'll look for help in the middle of battle and beg for a heal only to get some stinky little bearded band-aid giver rolling his eyes your way.

"Bah, tha's a mild swelling! Yer fine! Git back in battle!" He'll say as he shoves you towards the front of the line, oblivious to the fact that your "mild swelling" is in response to the spear sticking out of your chest. And if by some miracle you do get healed, you have to remember that you're being given Dwarven Medicine which is just a can of angry leeches and some beer. So, you know, good luck with that.

Rune Priests are just Ironbreakers who are too drunk to fight.

Engineer - A "DPS" class of sorts, the Engineer is actually an impressive class in itself for the fact that it proves how dangerous Dwarfs can be...

...when they stay sober for 30 seconds.

Engineers are lightly armored Dwarfs who have figured out things like "Black powder" and "rifles" and "how to make a metal covered tree stump fly." They set up sentry guns, shoot at you from a distance and for all intents and purposes do what they can to piss you off as you're trying to defend yourself from an attacking Ironbreaker.

They're not as armored as the warrior class, and tend to go "smush" if hit hard enough, but they are still Dwarfs to a core - which means they're tough, they're strong, and they smell like a box of spoiled feet.

A medium ranged "DPS" class, Engineers are the perfect class for people who want to get into the fight, but you know...not actually IN the fight.

Greenskins Vs. Stinky Little Stunty Bastages

Greenskins (Orcs and Goblins) - Greenskins are the frat boys of the Destruction side of the campaign. They're stupid, they're destructive, and chances are after a good fight you'll find at least one half naked and puking in your bathroom. Greenskins are the ultimate in disposable troops: They're numerous, battle hungry, and willing to die without a second thought.

Or a first one for that matter.

Why scale a castle wall or break down a door when a catapult will fling you well over the top of it? The first volley died horribly? Well they'll cushion the fall for the second, or third, or however many it takes to land without breaking every bone in their bodies.

Bloodthirsty, war hungry, not-too-bright and powered by a hatred for the Stunties, playing a Greenskin is a guilty pleasure with no guilt. Like eating a plateful of cookies and belching the chocolaty fumes into the faces of the kids that didn't get any.

They are Sneaky

Like the Stunties, the Greenskins are broken down into three classes:

Black Orc - Only the biggest, meanest, and stupidest of the Greenskins can aspire to make it to the rank of Black Orc.

Not that Black Orcs have aspirations.

In fact, if you were to ask a Black Orc about his aspirations, he would smash you in the mouth with a rock and wear your peeled face as a loincloth so that every time he had to pee, he would look down upon your leathered hide and laugh...

...because you used the word "aspiration".

Black Orcs are the "Tank" class of the Greenskins, but unlike the Stunties, Orc tanks are the same size as actual tanks. You don't just casually step over a Black Orc like you would a line of Dwarfs, and you would never even dream of holding them at bay with a hand on their forehead as they swipe futilely at you with tiny little midget hands.

They're big, they're scary, and they're stupid - making them the best class and race in the game for mindless slaughter and true Chaos.

....except maybe one of the "Chaos" classes. Because of that whole "actually spawned from Chaos" thing. But still, loincloth face is cool - right?

Shaman - Healer, Mystic, Spiritual Leader - NONE of these words sum up the Greenskin Shaman.

Shaman are goblins that somehow avoided having a foot shoved up their ass and being worn as shoes to the larger and scarier Black Orc. Like all Greenskins the Shaman channel the power of the Waaagh! into mystical energies that they can use to annoy the living piss out of anyone who is stupid enough to turn their backs on them.

They're tiny, hard to see little backstabbers who can heal that monster Orc you've been wailing on, or give him even MORE strength to pull off your arms. If you don't see them in combat, they'll plague you from a distance and then run screaming like a girl the moment you give chase.

Shamans are as frustrating as hell and the class restriction is set up so that only cowards, sneaks, and 14 year old boys who use the word "PWN" a lot can play them in RvR. They're not so much healers and buffers as they are "annoying little piss ants who can make even the toughest player log off in anger and frustration and probably drive them to punt kick their cat".

Which is why they're so popular.

Squig Herder - A Squig Herder is a Goblin who is into animals.

Really into animals.

We'll let that picture set in for a moment.

Gross right? You picture the little leather mask and the riding crop? Yeah...that's twisted. But twisted is the name of the game with the Squig Herder. The core definition of "squishy" class, a Squig Herder can't take a hit to save his life - luckily for him, he doesn't have to. Because a Squig Herder brings the ultimate weapon to each and every fight...

...friends.

Able to summon multiple pets into battle, Squig Herders might be stuck on the retard bus, but that frigging bus is FULL and ready to empty out on your ass like it's free cookie day and your pants are made out of chocolate chips.

Cowards to the core, Squig Herders stay safely in the back of any pack and send their little friends in to nip and bite while they mock safely from a distance wearing their slow learner hats with glee. They're ranged, up-close and mid-level DPS all at once, and if you turn your back on the little bastards you'll end up with a front row view of a Squig's colon.

Which after the lovin' above, you probably don't want to see.

-Coyote