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Mister McFeely...best porn name ever..

Updated Mon, Nov 10, 2008 by Coyote

Ever since I threw the "Ask Coyote" link up, my e-mail has all but doubled. Questions have poured in by the ten, and I've been ever so gently reminded that we're about due for another "Question and Answer" session so that I can prove that I really DO read my email.

So without further fanfare (Namely because while Shipwreck LOVES blowing the horn, LOVES IT, I can't get him into the little frilly Herald's outfit to do so.) We bring you this week's edition of...

"Uncle Coyote's Bulging Sack....of Mail."
Do you ever review console games?

Only when they come out for PC! HA!

Short answer is "Not really". I'm not a console gamer. I find that PC games have better graphics, less chance of locking up and freezing due to dust related issues, and generally can be hacked and modded when they've lost their luster, restoring SOME replay value.

That all being said - I *have* reviewed console games in the past, and I probably will again in the future, but it will never become a regular thing. Some games just haven't been MADE for the PC yet, which annoys the living piss out of me.

Example?

Dead Rising. Dead Rising is a game for the Xbox 360 in which you just run around and beat the living piss out of zombies. That's right, ZOMBIES. And it's not your typical resident evil "oOOoh scary" game.

No no no no NO. With the exception of end bosses and a few minor characters, the zombies in dead rising are STUPID. Sure, they'll lumber close and attack if you let them, and if you are a crappy player you'll find yourself peeking out of their colon wondering what happened in your life that was so bad that you deserved to be staring out a rotting ass...

But they are STUPID. And because of that you are free to run around and slap build-a-bear heads on them, whack on them with plastic swords, run them over with a lawn mower, or play Tiger Woods with a golf club and ball.

yet the game is ONLY for the Xbox 360 and therefore I don't really get a chance to play it. So to answer your question - "Yes, but VERY rarely, and probably only when it involves zombies."

The day this game hits PC, there will be no column, I will not go to work, and there will be moans of zombies mixed with moans of naughty dirty FREAKY pleasure in my computer room.

So ya know...knock first.

Do you come up with your own topics or does Ten Ton Hammer give them to you?

99% of the time the topics are mine. I sift through news alerts, gaming websites, MMO forums and online magazines to find out what is relevant and being talked about.

Then I take that topic and turn it into a way to make fun of Jack Thompson, and show boobies. That's it. That's MY job in a nutshell. Boobies.

However, that remaining 1% is my favorite. That's when readers send me e-mail asking me to look at something, or give me a heads up to an article I might have missed. I love getting topics from other people, and while I don't always use them (Don't worry, Cancer-videogame is *STILL* on the table.) it's nice to have back up topics in case the well runs dry.

As for Ten Ton Hammer hooking me up with topics? I'd love suggestions. I'd love "Hey Coyote, what are your thoughts on this?", but the problem is...

..I think I scare most people at Ten Ton Hammer.

We're not talkin' the whack jobs like Boomjack. I mean chainsaws and hockey masks wouldn't make that guy flinch - but some of the others? Yeah, I think my "Chaos Factor" sets me a part a bit, and people give me wide berth as long as I don't over-step my bounds and do something whacky like post a HUGE picture of a guy banging a horse like this;

AHAHHA! That whacky red X?! Is there really a link? Is there NOT a link? Did RadarX just swallow his tongue in fear of what you all might be seeing?

By the GODS I love my job.

How do you feel about Josgar being Norrath's best High Elf ever!

Forum humor. Okay, I'll play. *clears his throat*

Josgar being the best "High Elf" is like asking someone to pick out the "Turdiest Turd" swirling around the bowl and clinging to a hastily ripped piece of T.P.

You can't have the best "High Elf" because "High Elves" SUCK. With their flowing blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes they are the World War II Nazi's of most MMO's, and are only three or four expansions from having a "goose step" emote.

Sure, they don't TALK about exterminating the "lesser" races, but we all know what goes on in their suspiciously clean cities when the gates close. They all whip out little Celtic knot embroidered Klan hats and sit around wondering how they can purge the world of the "lesser" races.

Egotistical and cocky with superiority complexes, the only GOOD thing about the prim and proper and "better than you" High Elves is that their women are into freaky bondage sex in which you humiliate them and make them do things they would "never" do so that they can pretend to be ashamed while you video tape it and put it on the internet.

As for Josgar being the best High Elf? Hehe. SOMEONE has to "win" the Special Olympics right? Here's your hug and your cookie dude, you've earned it.

Will you ever write your Skatergnome stuff again?

.....

So much hate for you all.


...

So much hate.

Why hasn't Jack Thompson sued you yet?

Because I'm a nobody?

I'm just another internet tough guy who doesn't get national attention or syndicate. Sure, I've got a lot of readers, (Who kick ASS, btw) but I'm not well known in the grand scheme of things. I'm not going to bring him any REAL attention if he does "come after" me, I have no money in which to take, and if he sued me I'd probably frame the letter and hang it with my other memorabilia.

Men like Jack Thompson don't have "real" agendas or principles. They don't stick up for what they believe in, and they aren't fighting for the greater good, no matter WHAT they'd have you believe.

Men Like Jack Thompson just want attention. They want notice, and they want to be feared and awed. So they latch on to anything in their chosen genre that can get them 15 minutes on the local news and then sit at home and fwap to it as they watch it over and over on their DVR.

Me? I can't give him that. He'd write me a letter, I'd flame him and laugh it off, and it would never touch the press so he'd check his watch, sigh at his failed attempt, and then run off in hopes of catching that 10:15 ambulance as it flies by.

Of course if he *DID* come after me, I would be the one sitting home fwapping, because let's face it.

The man is dreamy.

So where is our Star Trek review?

A Star Trek review? Why? Because I did a Star Wars one? Since when am *I* ever impartial?

Star Trek was a good series, surpassed by Next Gen, evened out with DS-9, started to put on skis to jump the shark with Voyager and then went full Fonzie with Enterprise.

The End.

Okay, not the end. I *LIKE* Star Trek. I like Klingons looking cool, or just having big eyebrows in the original series. Harvey Mudd was the man, because let's face it;

If you can make sex robots that are hot? You are going to MAKE sex robots that are HOT.

That's just the way it is...

But as for a "Star Trek Review", I have to ask; why? What has Star Trek done of ANY relevance lately? The Star Trek MMO? That's going to crash harder than John Denver in a Balsa Wood Flyer. The Movies? Sure, while I'm there I'll review Back to the Future 2, Big Top Pee Wee and a bunch of other "still relevant" movies before getting into my Trans AM and blaring some REO Speedwagon.

I like Star Trek - I really really do. I like hot alien chicks who want to have sex all the time, I love phasers and tricorders and the possibility of a porno-holodeck...

But until they do something currently news worthy or even slightly interesting?

Beam me up Scotty.

....
....

Crap. That's right. Yer dead.

-Coyote

((FRIDAY PIMPINGS!! Almost forgot to pimp stuff out today. I'm a bad boy. First up, we have my weekly story over at EQ2 Ten Ton Hammer - EQ2 driven, it's an interview with Askidan Adakus, the newest NPC to hit the market. Also in the vein of EQ2 pimpings we have The Zone Guide to DarkLight Woods - Explaining once and for all how woods can be both Dark AND Light. Also on the block, A Guide to choosing your Deity in EQ2. Following a God gets you power - but what if it is not a USEFUL power? This guide is guarenteed to help. And lastly, throw my boy Bongotezz over at BSComics some love - it's his BIRTHDAY! - Coyote)

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Excellent pics as always, bro.

I still feel sorry for Sam beckett, he fixed up als life spoke to god and then leaped into the body of Captain thingimy (sorry dont remember his name) and without al to guide him his memory swiss cheesed and he forgot he was a do gooder out to save the world. Well ok i think he got distracted by T'pol in her skintight uniforms, i know i did.

You know star trek is in trouble when they roll out a 'sexy' character though.

Original series - Uhura...never really going to float your boat unless you really like a receptionist who talks with fingers in her ear.

Next gen - Closest to a sex symbol was probably deanna troi but she didnt really have that status till the end of the show and the later films.

DS9 - Hmm sex symbol, Dax? Leeta? Kira? Hmm none really had the male masses drooling....well ok the trekkies were but then they thought Quarks mum was hot too.

Voyager - No sexy women in season 1-4 the show is failing in ratings so what do they do? Bring in the borg! And what better way to show off the borg than Sevon of 9 and her 'special' outfit that hid her external cybernetic stuff and happened to be figure hugging.

Enterprise - T'pol. Sorry was the show about anything else?

Aha!

In the original series, Yeoman Rand was smoking hot.

I'm partial to green skinned slave girls myself.

Not that I can see green.

.....

I suck.

Poor Coy.

So what colour is Mrs Coy then?

Black and blue if she don't git them dishes done!

HA!

......

No one tell her that I said that.

Never would we tell her!
*hides in the corner with the phone*
"Hello, Mrs. Coy you won't believe what he said......"

Hmm, I always thought dax was sexxy...something to do with the tattoos, and the possibility of what they covered, or at least finding out :)

And yes, your readers do kick ass: even if you only read part of their response posts, completely misinterpret the meaning and then rag on them about it. But I'm sure they're not bitter /sniff ;)

Oh please Nav, there is so much love for you that we're about to pick out curtains.

C'mere and give daddy some sugar.

Aye im not denying Dax was good (Jadzia not the slug) but she was never a pin up outside geek circles.

Jolene blalock and whatserface of 9 though were much more mainstream.

Did anyone else find the klingons reminded them of the welsh though? Annoying language that you couldnt be arsed to learn and needed 6 pints of phlegm in your throat to speak and you really wish theyd stay in their own borders? Slap a ginsters on Tom Jones forehead and he could be singing klingon opera.

Actually? Those Klingon chicks from the movies? With the ultra tight Klingon racks?

Mmmmm..MAMA

But they have worse teeth than dwayne dibley and eat worms! Not to mention possible welsh heritage.

If the Klingon chicks saw a dentist, they would be kinda hot (in an Amazon-esque "Hurt me, Mistress" kind of way).

Very nice pictures today, Coyote.

Teeth? You mean they have HEADS?

Huh..I don't remember getting up that far.

Heh reminds me of a conversation me and some mates had after seeing a ST film

me: "Wow, was it just me or was the Borg Queen hot?"

mates: "..."

/eye
/edges away from Madhog

I wish you'd reconsider the Sk8r Gnome thing, you were funny then.

On a happy note, my new Nokia N95 turned up today. So Im browsing free theme sites lookin for something nice, and everyone I clicked on my 16 year old daughter was giving it "nuh uh dad, no boobies on your phone or Im telling nan."

All them years ago, when my missus popped out the 3rd daughter I remember thinking "woot! once they hit their teens Ill never need to cook or clean or iron again! Plus Ill be master of all I survey!!".

How wrong was I?

Bork queen was sorta hot. She had a cool sexy voice, and it looked like she had a nice body. Yeah, her head came off and she was full of nanites and malice, but hey, no one is perfect.

Nice phone? I opted for the Orange SPV650 instead and it seems pretty good despite being windows based. Hows the symbian applications for connectivity to your PC?

Wow, Bork queen. Was she Swedish? I meant, BORG queen.

I love that YOU can't fix your typos. Muahhaha

Its awesome Kall. Am with T-Mobile now and they dont block owt on it. Took about 5 mins to set up email, mms and internet access all done with handy messages sent from T-Mobile, have installed a couple of boobie-less themes, put about 100 mp3s on it, installed a couple of games, I got free from somewhere.

Its fooking ace!

My witch got herself a Prada phone too, thats nice too. Chick phone but nice still.

Once mine is fully charged up, gonna set the GPS and maps up on it!

Oddly enough, the only thing his phone doesn't do?

Make phone calls.

Yeah. Weird.

Damn you and your typo fixing skills!
*sulks*

I need to read these comments more often. It's as entertaining as the blog... er column, I mean.

Great article. Not funny of course. Ever.

Zebsen

Why would you want your phone to make phone calls?

Thats so last millenium.

TNG was awesome. Even when I was a kid and trying to hide that I was a geek I would watch TNG. Then when I was in my teens DS9 came on at 11 or 12 on the local UPN or Fox station and I'd stay up watching it on Sunday nights. My high school Monday's were so tiring. Actually, might have been the only day of the week during high school I didn't drink. Was to tired and worried I'd pass out.

TNG was spoilt by

a) Wesley crusher

b) Too many moralistic tales involving strangely human looking aliens.

It got great by about season 4/5 onwards but the early ones were a bit pants. DS9 is still the best ST series out there.

No one liked Wesley Crusher. Even Wil Wheaton hates him. But there isn't a geek amongst us that wouldn't have GLADLY accepted that role.

I watch Enterprise just to see Jolene Blalock... not just her nipples poking up when its cold... but on more than one episode there is awesome sideboob shots.

You know she's done topless, right Tal? I mean, you can see her perky Vulcan ears clear as a bell.

it's not my birthday.

Bongo Says:

June 1st, 2007 at 12:16 pm
it’s not my birthday.
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No, but it might just be yer lucky day. Or was it my lucky day? Or was I just feeling lucky, punk? Aww hell I dunno, as long as somebodies getting lucky!

What? Someone's getting lucky? It better be me? We're still on for this weekend right Lok? :-)

Wait, yer gunna be there too? I thought it was just gunna be Hurk and I, you know a little SK on SK. Hmmmm,... OH! Now I know why you play a Defiler! ;)

Sheesh Coyote, you sound like my gay mate. The one still using a mouse with a ball. I mean cmon sheesh. You sir, are a luddite.

I can make phone calls with it! And doing them on VOiP too! Wtf that is Ive *no* idea but hey, I could I wanted to!

Heh, not sure why everyone hated Wes, tho, I did too. He was an annoying tosser.

That's right baby. Unlike Radar I have no problem dressing up in my nurse outfit and taking your temperature!! ;-)

Ever get the feeling your being left out of something good????
*eyes DW*

LOL,.. that tells me so many things. Most of them slightly disturbing and slightly arousing as well.

Jen,.. I can't speak for Hurk, but I'm sure there is room for more,..

Don't worry Lok i won't make you turn your head and cough :-) Can't promise hurk won't though :-0
Oh and Jen what lok said.

*hugz DW*
I luv you man.

This conversation is hot. Kinda like an AOL chat room. :-)

As long as somebody is wearing the nurse outfit, doesn't matter to me who does it. :D

I know it's not yer birthday, which made it funny.

But coyote Your Not Funny.......Ever

Dreadswench Says:

June 1st, 2007 at 1:42 pm
But coyote Your Not Funny…….Ever
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QFE!!!!!!!

He's not tanned, ever, too.

Loksuin Says:

June 1st, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Dreadswench Says:

June 1st, 2007 at 1:42 pm
But coyote YOU'RE Not Funny…….Ever
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QFE!!!!!!!

CFE!!!!!

Corrected for Edjits.

Apparently Coyote Gump (or could it be Forrest Sharptongue?) thinks I have a purdy mouth,...

Wait,... O.o EEK!!!

Story Update: My broken Red X? Totally freaked out Radar.

Mission...accomplished.

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