Off to a WONDERFUL Start
Updated Mon, Nov 10, 2008 by Coyote
As some of you may or may not know, I am officially ON VACATION!
That's right! I have ten, count'em ten glorious days off from work so that I may attend the upcoming SOE Fan Faire in Las Vegas on August 1st. Once in Vegas I'll be part of the "Community Influencer's Summit" and then sticking around for Fan Faire so that I can meet and greet every psychopath out there who wants to give me a box!
Or at least I would have...until I found out that my days are numbered.
That's right boys and girls - your Uncle Coyote is a marked man. A DEATH Marked man some would say. Seems I pissed off the wrong people with a few of the comments that I made here, and now I must sadly reap what I have sown.
The Harry Potter fans are coming for me.....probably because I post pictures like this;
Sorry, sorry - I know. I laughed at first too.
I'm USED to the letters telling me how much I suck and pointing out that I've never written a single thing that anyone has ever read. I've done mail bags before, and I'll do them again. As this site grows in popularity because you sick and twisted bastards tell your sick and twisted friends about it, more and more letters and comments pour in, often at times warranting a response. And while I've never dedicated an entire column to ONE response...
This is different.
This is real.
The F***ers know my NAME.
So everyone who doesn't hate me (both of you) please stop reading as I take the time to address this very serious letter that contains frighteningly accurate real life information about me.
Wish me luck.
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Dear Dan,
(Ught oh. That is *never* a good sign.)
Surprised that someone called you by your real name Coyote?
(A little bit. I mean I don't try to hide it, a lot of people here know it, and if you look me up on Ten Ton Hammer I'm known as Dan "Coyote" but still..)
Don't be because we have been checking up on you for months now and we know a lot about you
(Ught oh.)
like you are a dumbass computer tech in delaware who drives a black minivan.
(Um...)
Scared yet?
(More amusedthan anything right now, but that could lead to fear. I'm really pulling for you from the back of my black minivan in Delaware. I mean, I don't even know where the frickDelaware *IS*. I went to public schools damn it.)
You should be you ******** because there is a lot of powerful people out there who hate you're guts!!!!
(See? Moving back into scared now! Powerful people who hate my guts and use way too many exclamation points? Yeah, I'm getting nervous. I have few rules that govern me in life, but one of them (toward the top I might add) is; "Never mess with someone who uses an assload of exclamation points with no regard to proper punctuation because they are usually CRAZY Mother F***ers.")
Your childish and immature and lack a maturity that even a child has!!
(Crap. Moving out of scared again. I just giggled. Not at the threat or your observation, but probably because I read this in a Mojo-Jojo voice as I envisioned the little cartoon monkey hopping around angrily. I'm sorry, that is entirely MY fault.)
(I apologize.Let's just continue.)
HARRY POTTER IS THE GREATEST BOOKS EVER WRITTEN AND YOU BETTER STOP MAKING FUN OF THEM OR ELSE!!! A lot of powerful peeps are angry with you and what you say and if you think we are joking we are not joking.
(CRAP! I did it again!Sorry -impulse control issues! I'm trying to be frightened, I really am. It's just hard when you envision a cartoon monkey in a cape typing an angry e-mail to you. I'll try to be serious. Sorry!)
Majick is real and if you don't believe me then okay you will because me and my coven are wondering what to do to you next Dan.
(Moving back to scared. You used the word "coven" which is associated with witchcraft, or more specifically a gathering of witches - plus? You totally spelled magic all strange and archaic which always creeps me out.)
Harry Potter is a good book that teaches kids about Wicca and tolerance
(Hey now, don't bring race into this! I have a good friend who is Puerto Wiccan. As for the tolerance...no…no... I'll ignore the irony because I'm leaning towards scared again. Covens, magic with a "jay" and a mystical "K" on the end and now Wicca? The hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. If that's not scared then ...oh..wait. My bad. Foot on the power strip to my computer desk. Continue.)
and that kids can be special he does not have sex with horses!!! You don't even know what the play equs is about and need to back off. Notice any rashes Dan?
(Well I wasn't looking THAT close at the pictures of Harry Potter getting his Seabiscuits off, but yeah - I'd assume that he'd have a rash, or at least some mild chaffing. I mean he's boffing a horse, that can't be all soft skin and moisturizers- it just ain't natural baby.)
Notice any soars or bruces? That is us and that is a warning because majick is REAL and if we have to teach a muggle a lesson we will.
(Now you are just getting gross. It took me a minute to understand what you were implying, but my spell check informed me that you are looking for "sores or bruises" and I just have to say that you are SICK. Why would the horse have SORES OR BRUISES? Please note that neither I, nor anyone at Ten Ton Hammer, with the exception of Boomjack, condone or participate in Equine BSDM. Thank you.)
Stop posting about Harry Potter in your blog or else we will go and talk to your boss at Ten Ton Hammer and get you fired or we might even use an unforgivable curse!
(You do that and I'll wash your mouth out with soap. I'm not playing around here mister and or missy!)
You broght this on yourself and if you think it is a joke then fine think that way because we know the truth and you don't. You are messing with people who can destroy you're world and we are watching Dan!!
STOP MAKING FUN OF HARRY POTTER!!!!
HARRY RULES AND DAN DROOLS!!
YOU ARE AN ******* MUGGLE AND NEED TO SHUT UP OR GROW UP!!
So there you have it folks - as stated earlier, my days are numbered. I've pissed off the wrong people and now I have phenomenal cosmic power stacking against me.
Please know that I am taking this with the utmost sincerity that it deserves, and even as I write these words I no longer live in Delaware, and my minivan is no longer black. (Probably because that would make it kinda cool, or at least more-so cool, so there is an unwritten law that all minivans have to be "hunter green". But that's okay, it looks black to ME.)
I've taken your words to heart my J.K. Rowling fan, and please know that I will never, EVER mock Harry Potter or any other characters from the movies or books again.
You have my word, starting now.
-Coyote
(Crap.)
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OK, the Mojo Jojo bit KILLED me. The judges award a special merit point.
A point? On a column?
This is a FIRST!
Im behind you 100% Coy, Harry Potter sucks and im fed up of the hype.
JK Rowling is laughing all the way to the bank that her generally dire books have been so popular and the absolutely dire films even more so.
So start casting your 'bruise' spells now (WTF bruise is the best you can come up with!!?!?) and send your poorly worded and crappy spelt emails round to your coven because Harrp Potter does shag horses because he's so dull and without personality its the only thing that would let him.
Can't type.....Laughing way to hard....
Mojo-Jojo sez, "BAD COYOTE!"
The quantity of gay Harry Potter porn that Coyote has amassed is amazing... and scary.
And they called you a muggle? WTF is a muggle? I would be terrified of dying by laughter if you ever met the sender - lmao
I only found out what a muggle is on saturday, its apparently the term in the horse shagging books for non magical humans.
I agree with ship awarding you a point for this one.
I don't even know where to start... oh yes I do. It's suck not such darling... But I'm letting it slide cause that's the most awfully spelt hate mail I've ever seen. At least when *I* send you death threats they're ... ummm. crap. Moving on.
Harry Potter uses majik and teaches about wicca?
In what alternate universe??? Good gods people.
DRUGS ARE BAD. JUST SAY NO!
* boggle *
hehehe mojo jojo. i love that cartoon.
oh! and the malfoy potter man love pictures are slaying me.
incidently muggle is evidently another name for pot... whodathunk.
Wow. And I thought as a state worker that 'I' got all the good hate mail/death threats. /envy
"Notice any soars or bruces?"
Ok so Coyote tell me have you been hanging out with Bruce again? Cause you know that could be really creepy. And if you have been soaring again you had best stop before the cops catch you, cause you know that will mean more Bruces in jail cells.
MoJo JoJo approves of this thread that he approves of!
Potter Porn /shiver
And, Gah!! You're = you are. Your = your!!
If people are going to write hate mail, they should at least make it legible!
MY EYES! MY EYES!
I have to agree with Ship...the Mojo-Jojo... I lost it at that point.
Laugh. Yer not the ones getting cursed.
please. like they could curse you any worse than you already are.
what are they gonna do? make you work more? make you burst into flames in the sun instead of oozy sores? oh noes they'll take away the colours from the world!
* snort * can't even spell magic how the hell are they gonna actually DO any?
and those people are sitting there wondering why no one takes them seriously.
and the mojo jojo and potter man love porn is still killing me.
laff it up peeps! we may have sent the baddest bruce, willis, after DAN, but there are plenty of bruces left for the rest of you!
bruce dern! sic 'em!
T.A.W.,..
Can you send Bruce Campbell after me? I wanna shake his hand.
Bruce Campbell is the Man. He singlehandedly turned Bruce from a weak to a manly, tough guy name. I suppose Bruce Willis deserves a little of the credit too, but Bruce Campbell wins.
omg i would so do bruce campbell.
I got four words for ya,.. Army of Effing Darkness. And if yer not a Evil Dead fan, Bruce has been in SOOOO many other things it's boarding on spectacularly silly. Heck he does Old Spice commercials. Who else could sing "Hungry like the Wolf" for an deodorant commercial and make it cool? Nobody, that's who!
Bubbahotep ftw!
Kallarn Says:
July 30th, 2007 at 9:20 am
Bubbahotep ftw!
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Thank ya,.. thank ya vurry much!
As much as I love "The Bruce"...
I couldn't watch the man with the screaming brain. I made it about 20 minutes in.
"What is it with you and curses anyway?"
"He ain't happy without a good curse. This is cursed, that is cuuursed..."
/Mummy Returns
That's the down side of doing so many "B" movies,.. some of them just suck. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE "B" movies. But some of them are not "B", More like "W" movies,... and when you do as many of them as "The Bruce" has, some of them are bound to suck.
Like spiderman 3....
Awww, man! I wish someone would curse me with a bunch of Bruce Campbells! I would TOTALLY have him sing all the Old Spice commercials to me. I think my husband would even let me "shag" Bruce, as we have an understanding that if someone that cool was warm for my form, then he would stand aside and let it happen :)
My husband and I are both geeks, so we are going to have, as Coyote once put it, "pure bred geeklings" anyway, but add Bruce in the mix, and it would be a pure bred geekling squared!
You have all the luck, man. ;)
Oh Yes Peasant,.. Coy's got all the "Bruces" warm for his form! LOL,.. how else do you think he gets all those man-on-man pics?
Hey he's right about the drooling though!
Don't worry about being cursed. You're american. It doesn't get any worse than that. Even the French got you to drive on the wrong side of the road.
Or else! Two instances or ELSE! Those are threats! Threats of ...curses and hexes and oOoOh.
How am I LUCKY?
Loksuin Says:
July 30th, 2007 at 9:55 am e
Oh Yes Peasant,.. Coy’s got all the “Bruces†warm for his form! LOL,.. how else do you think he gets all those man-on-man pics?
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Your shared folder on your hdd?
Coyote Sharptongue Says:
Your shared folder on your hdd?
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Hush now,.. I didn't hear you complaining the other night.
I hope you kept your coke away.
Oh and if you want proof of exactly HOW much you are cursed being a yank...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6916287.stm
Hahahahahahaha!
Who the hell would want a Zombie Jesus doll quoting scriptures instead of a Optimus Prime blasting the crap outa everything??
*giggle*
Oh theres another story about pigeons in Hollywood being put on contraceptive pills to stop them making such a mess. Don't even get me started!!
God bless america!
Someone spit something all over it...what the hell...
I still want a buddy christ action figure.
If you hadn't struggled so much your aim wouldn't have been off Mr. Frosty Walrus,...
*tears out brain from imagination abuse*
Oh this might make ya laugh...
This weekend I took my witch to London for the day as celebration for her birthday. On the way there, on the train, I said to her:
Me: make sure your handbag is done up and keep it close to you, we dont want any trouble!
Her: Oh its ok, if anyone starts anything Ill just say *hyaaaaahwaaah oooooooooyaaaaah!
Me: ...
Her: Its chinese!
Me: ...
Her: Look, noones gonna mess with me if they think Im chinese!
Me: ...
Her: Its a well known trick! they'd assume I can do kung fu and they would run off!
Me: ...
Me: Ok you mean like a ninja? Why not say YARRR! and pretend to be a pirate?!?
Her: Pfft no, ninjas are wusses. No, making a pirate noise wouldnt work either. Gotta be chinese. Everyone knows all chinese do proper kung fu. I'm not gonna discuss this with you if you're gonna be all sarcastic.
So there you go, an insight into the mind of a "30-10" (her words) english woman.
I would just like to add.. that hate mail is just proof that reading DOES NOT increase one's ability to spell anything. Besides that, WHO THE %$*# USES THE WORD PEEPS!!
MINUS 50DKP!!!!!
Oi. Vey. I like HP, I do.. really. But wicca teachings it ain't.
/shakes head at silly peoples
"hyaaaaahwaaah oooooooooyaaaaah!"
coyote i warned you that when i was in Vegas that i was attacked by owls for doing the same thing........so now the owls are going to hunt you down at fan fair........also who writes these emails any way? 8 year old girly boys?...........just plain weird.....and who would want to buy a christian doll that quotes religious stuff? cause i know exactly what happened when you bring it to school, any guesses?........you would be laughed at and mocked by everyone
If an english kid took something like that to school, they'd be returning home quoting scriptures out of their arses.
harry poter is just the rantings of a crazy british lady whos now a rich crazy british lady.... this link proves it http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20026225/
and heres the link for the pigeons
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20032364/?GT1=10150
..... # . Says: Your comment is awaiting moderation.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:59 am
harry poter is just the rantings of a crazy british lady whos now a rich crazy british lady…. this link proves it http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20026225/
and heres the link for the pigeons
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20032364/?GT1=10150
in america youd have that doll beat you up and then shoved up your arse
# . Says: Your comment is awaiting moderation.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:59 am
harry poter is just the rantings of a crazy british lady whos now a rich crazy british lady…. this link proves it http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20026225/
and heres the link for the pigeons
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20032364/?GT1=10150
Three words: f*** harry potter!
Oh ok... I'll give you two more: from behind!!
Come get me all you evil nasty wiccan covens. Email me for my address but send only those members who are of legal age in Canada (and, although this should go without saying, seeing as you're a coven... Female).
(Ok Coyote, you owe me, that should have distracted them for a while)
Ps: Apparently there is going to be one more Harry Potter book: The Horse F***erer. It might go straight to internet porn release though.