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Not Funny... Ever

You've all gone BATTY

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Posted January 7th, 2008 by Coyote

Last week I posted a little story on my adventures in bat removal.

It went over well.

The story itself brought a flood of new readers to this site, has been linked all over the internet, and has generated a FLOOD of e-mail (both good and bad) commenting on the poor plight of Herman.

A...flood...of email. We're talking a frigging ton. And while a lot of it merely contained requests to reprint, retell, or use the story elsewhere - some of it took a much....weirder...turn.

So as per my usual, rather than simply ignore the plethora of El Guapo e-mail I received, I'll answer the more common questions here for your general amusement. I bring you;

"Herman We Hardly Knew Ye - A tribute from Uncle Coyote's Bulging Sack"

"Did you really mean to kill the bat?"

I wish I could say yes. I wish I could say that I knew that the paintball gun was loaded and that I pulled up bead and with a steel eye and hardened nerves terminated the little bastard with extreme prejudice.

But I can't.

It was a total accident and the only one more surprised by the outcome than me WAS the bat, which doesn't count because he got his head blown clean off.

The WORST part of all of this; past the obvious scarring of my children, ignoring the blood and loss of innocent life, was the fact that I wrote about it and now - not even in retelling can I ever lie and say that it was a planned shot born of skill and instinct.

But ya know, if anyone asks, tell them it was on purpose. Chicks dig stuff like that.

"Why Herman? That just seems like a weird name for a bat."

Who knows how the female mind works, let alone the female mind of a child? All that I know is that they name EVERYTHING. I mean they named their god damn MP3 players. Chicks do stuff like that and maybe the just feel the need to humanize the inhuman so that they can care for and nurture it.

I have no idea. Not a clue. But luckily I'm reminded almost daily with drawings of the bat surrounded with little hearts that offset the "death X's" where his eyeballs should be and "Herman" written in shaky hand and smudged with tears.

Girls are stupid.

"The other bats know Coyote. They know and they are waiting. Haven't you ever seen Next of Kin with Patrick Swayze?"

Let'em bring it. They want a feud they'll GET a feud. You think I only had one paintball? You think for a SECOND that I would hesitate to bring a whirlwind of badminton rackets down upon them?

It was an accident - plain and simple, but if it is blood they want then by god BLOOD THEY WILL GET. I'm not afraid of a *BAT*.

They weigh 9 grams. NINE GRAMS. You can't be afraid of nine grams of winged fury, I'm sorry. Sure they're creepy and flappy and carry lice and rabies, but I've already got both so they can't do ANYTHING to me.

BRING IT ON! Seen "Next of Kin"? SEEN IT? Baby *I* live it, and where I'm from "bat" is only a butterfly net away from being "viddles".

"Did Herman get a funeral?"

Sermon, tear filled eulogy and a 21 paintball gun salute. It was beautiful. And while Herman's family couldn't be there as the ceremony was held during the middle of the day in a frozen field of dirt and snow, we feel they (like Herman) were there in spirit.

It was a really moving experience full of love, learning, and decapitated rodents. His widowers went with the sparkled and painted "Nike Hi-top" box filled with Herman's remains and some of the things that they decided he loved throughout his life.

Mainly hand drawn pictures of himself and a handful of left over Hershey Kisses from Yule.

Herman was a hedonistic bastard.

"If you did that to a bat, how would you remove something bigger like a moose?"

Gee, I don't know. Let's ponder that for a minute, shall we?

I leave the window open a crack and a BAT gets in, so for a FRIGGING MOOSE to get in, I'd have to leave open the ENTIRE SIDE OF MY FRELLING HOUSE!

A MOOSE? How the HELL would a MOOSE get in my house? And even with that little mind number left to the side to marinate in its own stupidity, I THINK that if a GIANT FRICKIN' MOOSE were to flutter through my living room, I'd be less alerted by the screams of my children, and more so by the HOUSE SHAKING and the sounds of breaking destruction that only COMES with a MOOSE.

Really? A MOOSE? That was your NEXT rational thought, your "move-on" from BAT? REALLY? Were you just sitting there thinking "Hmm, a bat is pretty crazy, but a MOOSE would just be INSANE!"?

If a moose got loose in my house I would still use a paintball gun. Then my girls would cry over the death of "Melvin" or whatever the hell they named the invading Alces Alces and we'd bury it in the back yard, next to Herman, in the worlds biggest shoebox.

You idiot.

"Why didn't you just catch the bat with your hands like a MAN?!?!"

Ahhh...because then I'd have to TOUCH it.

You see, while I know that it can't really hurt me and that a pair of gloves could protect me from whatever batty vengeance the flying demon could inflict on me, I'd still have to TOUCH it, which means getting close to it.

And letting it flap around chaotically in my face.

No thank you. While I know it can't hurt me (as gloves are a bat's natural weakness) the fact that the creepy little veiny winged monster was going nuts two inches from my noggin would make me do that freaky "run and violently slap at myself" dance that you do whenever something weird touches you.

I've already damaged my children enough, I don't need to throw in an interpretive dance montage to seal the trauma.

"Did your wife "reward" you later for protecting her?"

Oh yeah, 'cause there is NOTHING that gets a woman hotter in this world like decapitating a 9 gram rodent, making your children scream in a mixture of horror and remorse and getting bat blood all over her house.

Chicks go NUTS for that. It's a better aphrodisiac than money, power, or those pills I got from Mexico.

She was so impressed and turned on by my displays of hunting and sheer manliness that she made me take THREE showers and pour two full gallons of bleach on the blood spots.

Chicks like wrinkly guys with prune hands who smell like bleach. It just turns them ON.

"Dear Coyote, my mother-in-law is an old bat. If I leave the backdoor to my house unlocked and a loaded Raptor on the back steps, could you do what you do best? Please? She's old and she won't even feel it."

....I hate you all.

"What you did to that bat was disgusting and I hope that all of the people at PETA that I sent your story to make your life hell. You've lost a reader for...ever."

HA! I see what you did there! You took my Not Funny...Ever and turned it against me to punctuate your threat and to make more notable your exit!

HA!

Too bad the people at PETA hate bats.

OOOOOH, you didn't know that did you? If you read their little psycho manifesto about animals and living in harmony and spirits and souls you'll notice a little clause that reads;

"...and live in peace with the animals of this world. Except bats. Those little F***ERS are CREEPY. Kill the shit out of them. Really. Its okay with us."

So not only did your little plan to turn the ecoterrorists loose on me fail, your huffy and self-righteous exit was squelched by the fact that PETA hates bats.

Plus, it was a total accident. It isn't like I aimed a gun at its tiny little head, lined up the shot, and pulled the trigger sending the batty equivalent of 9,000 gallons of solidified paint directly into its brain.

.....

.....crap.

Maybe they'll be distracted by boobies.

-Coyote

0

On January 16th, 2008 Dana (not verified) says:

I linked to your post. It was hysterical. Some bozos just take themselves way too seriously.

On January 8th, 2008 Ke'la (not verified) says:

Everytime my wife goes on one of her PETA rants Ijust start playing “Carrot Juice is Murder” by the Arrogant Worms. She grimaces, giggles and then leaves me alone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well next time she goes on a PETA rant just drop this little fact, PETA kills an average of ~80% of the animals it "rescues", totaling over 17,000 Dogs, Cats, and other pets killed between 1998 and 2005(the last year they filed a required report on animals they have killed)

On January 7th, 2008 Morvelaira says:

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have surived in Norrath the first time around if it wasn't for Batwing Crunchies and Strange Goos.

On January 7th, 2008 foozlesprite says:

I prefer Brownie Bites to the Bat-wing Crunchies ;)

On January 7th, 2008 Kiara says:

really shippie? anything?

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

kiara Says:

*snip*will coyote eat it*snip*
------------------------------------------------------

Yes. An unqualified yes.

On January 7th, 2008 Bithnar says:

Coyote Sharptongue Says:

January 7th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I do not believe in killing animals for any type of sport.

I have a healthy respect for animals and my beliefs keep me from purposely harming them unless I am to use them for food.

He was delicious.
--------------
Bat-wing crunchies?

On January 7th, 2008 Kiara says:

i'm sensing a new game of will coyote eat it coming on...

On January 7th, 2008 Coyote Sharptongue (not verified) says:

I do not believe in killing animals for any type of sport.

I have a healthy respect for animals and my beliefs keep me from purposely harming them unless I am to use them for food.

He was delicious.

On January 7th, 2008 Morvelaira says:

I didn't say for you to stop thinking it Almagill. Just for Shippie. You're a UK type person. I don't mind you thinking it.

On January 7th, 2008 Tallika says:

Mad... i thought Brits still called garages a "carriage house"... just cause they liked the archaic sound of it all.

On January 7th, 2008 almagill says:

*scrubs mind clean of Morv in Vampira garb type thoughts*

Oh well, if you don't want to play...

On January 7th, 2008 Morvelaira says:

Except I didn't want to live it Shippie. So stop dreaming it.

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

Horrible? Hawt vampire chicks? It was awesome.

On January 7th, 2008 Kisy says:

*shakes Shippie awake from his slumber*

WAKE UP SHIP! YOUR HAVING A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE!

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

Even vampire chicks get all the chicks. Awww yeah.

On January 7th, 2008 Kiara says:

vampires get all the chicks, too.

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

Not worse. Better. Vampires kick ass.

On January 7th, 2008 Madhog (not verified) says:

Ship, the reason you can tell us you havent been bitten by a bat is simple. If you HAD been bitten by one you'd be dead! Or worse! Undead!

On January 7th, 2008 Sandor (not verified) says:

"If that was a burglar that Coy had blown the head off, you’d all be whoopin and a’hollerin and throwing yer cowboy hats in the air, patting him on the back."

As the most likely among Coyote's readership to whoop, holler, and / or throw a cowboy hat in the air, let me assure you that I have no problem with the slaying of Herman. First of all, it was an accident; his actual plan, though utterly hairbrained, was to knock the bat out with CO2. One could accuse him of amazing recklessness, but certainly not cruelty.

Secondly, if a wild animal gets in the house, all bets are off (as Morvy pointed out earlier). I'm the first to take a "live and let live" attitude towards nature ... provided nature doesn't come flapping through a window to menace my loved ones. I will make one - perhaps two - noble attempts to harmlessly remove stray wildlife from my home. After that, said removal will come by any means necessary.

Decapitation via paintball is an option I hadn't considered, but I'm sure as sh*t adding it to the list now.

S

On January 7th, 2008 Kisy says:

I dont know... my father killed one with a tennis racket when we had one in the house when I was a kid.

Does that count?

As twisted as Coyote is ..... I do believe him in the fact he thought he could just stun the bat or scare it out of the house. I dont think he truely ment to kill him. HOWEVER, it does make for some great stories.

On January 7th, 2008 Ariven (not verified) says:

You lot are wierd. If that was a burglar that Coy had blown the head off, you’d all be whoopin and a’hollerin and throwing yer cowboy hats in the air, patting him on the back.

The bat got exactly what it deserved, flying disease ridden vermin!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, not if he had killed the burglar by -accident-... an -accidental- murder is still a murder..

self defense? yeah... defense of another? yeah... "whoopsie, I had a bullet in there" yeah not so much..

:)

On January 7th, 2008 Kiara says:

not to mention a lovely hat rack * nod *

the girls could name him bullwinkle.

On January 7th, 2008 Dreadswench (not verified) says:

If a moose ever did come into your house Coy and you kill it. You can tell your wife look we got dinner for weeks and a new rug.

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

Ozzy is a Brit, and BITES their heads off.

On January 7th, 2008 Morvelaira says:

don't encourage them Reg!

On January 7th, 2008 Regnak1969 says:

thats all we need, who started the scotts off again....next thing we know it will be Haggis, bagpipes and claymores and York a smokin pile of rubble!

all because some colonial shot the head off a bat with a paintball!

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

Madhog Says:

January 7th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Spiders eat mosquitoes too. Are you suggesting we need more spiders??

Well are ya?!?!

Freaks!
------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been bitten by spiders, but they sometimes get a free pass to outside if I am feeling generous. Mosquitos always get killed. As I said, I am bat bite free, so they get the benefit of the doubt.

On January 7th, 2008 almagill says:

Coy doing his mail?

On January 7th, 2008 Madhog (not verified) says:

Och hoots mon! There's a moose, loose, aboot this hoose!

On January 7th, 2008 Morvelaira says:

we need more bats and spiders.

As long as they stay OUT OF MY FRICKIN HOUSE!

Outside is their space. Inside, all bets are off, vermin eating vermin!

On January 7th, 2008 Taea says:

Yeah Avast Ye! On a related note, the Mischa Barton edition of Maxim Magazine features an article on "how to make a hobo stove"

/giggles

On January 7th, 2008 almagill says:

"now that they prelude is done…it is going to get a whole lot sillier."

Because English abandoning totally the bat buggerer is.

How would a moose get into your house?

Through wee holes in the skirting board. Huv ye no seen Tom and Jerry??

On January 7th, 2008 Madhog (not verified) says:

Spiders eat mosquitoes too. Are you suggesting we need more spiders??

Well are ya?!?!

Freaks!

On January 7th, 2008 Coyote Sharptongue (not verified) says:

In unrelated news..

The NEW Avast Ye comic, NUMBER NINE is up and ready for viewing at

http://www.drunkduck.com/Avast_Ye/?p=334913

We'll be updating every Monday and now that they prelude is done...it is going to get a whole lot sillier.

On January 7th, 2008 Loksuin (not verified) says:

Ship sez:
Coyote is ….. El Guano.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

El Guano!

* giggles *

And Ship, I Agree with your putting up a Bat house. Bats are great. They control the Mosquito population, and sinse I HATE mosquito's I'm all for bats.

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

Bats eat lots of mosquitos. Sonce I have never been bitten by a bat, and bitten many many times a year by mosquitos, I am hereby showing support for my winged vermin saviors. I think we need MORE bats.

/goes home to put up a bat house

On January 7th, 2008 Madhog (not verified) says:

You lot are wierd. If that was a burglar that Coy had blown the head off, you'd all be whoopin and a'hollerin and throwing yer cowboy hats in the air, patting him on the back.

The bat got exactly what it deserved, flying disease ridden vermin!

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

Coyote is ..... El Guano.

On January 7th, 2008 Regnak1969 says:

Bat guano you could cope with, but could you imagine the mess you would be forced to clear up after the Moose incident!

still I think you deserved all the wierd email crap you got for killing the poor innocent ickle creature, you monster!

On January 7th, 2008 Darammer says:

We apologise for the fault in the comments. Those responsible have been sacked.

On January 7th, 2008 Bithnar says:

kiara Says:

January 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I’d be careful with the moose… moose bites can be nasty, you know.
------------------------------
A moose once bit my sister...
No really! She was carving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: "The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink"

On January 7th, 2008 Madhog (not verified) says:

*mumble*

On January 7th, 2008 Loolee says:

Madhog gripes:

…

Badly drawn boobies or 2 freaks?

Gee thats a tough choice.
__________________________________

What do you want from a 30 second search?

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

Maddox has some good anti-PETA shirts. Like the ever popular "For every animal you don't eat, I will eat 3". Or the stylish "(MEAT crossed out) WHEAT IS MURDER".

On January 7th, 2008 Kiara says:

I'd be careful with the moose... moose bites can be nasty, you know.

On January 7th, 2008 Shipwreck says:

What if it was a rogue lion?

On January 7th, 2008 Madhog (not verified) says:

...

Badly drawn boobies or 2 freaks?

Gee thats a tough choice.

On January 7th, 2008 Bithnar says:

Just remember to were PETA's favorite shirt.

"I love animals . . . especially deep fried with a side of ketchup."

On January 7th, 2008 Loolee says:

How about these bat boobies then? http://www3.telus.net/Rojay2/batgirl2001.jpg

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