Moooooove!
Posted April 28th, 2008 by Coyote
As you may or may not know, out there in the dreaded "real world", I am a Computer Technician.
While writing is a childhood dream that I refuse to let go of (Astronaut smashtronaut) and I've had a degree of success in my many attempts at it - Missus Coyote isn't as fond of Ramen Noodles as I am and when you send your kids to school barefoot Child Protection Agencies seem to notice.
Unless you live in Arkansas. Or Alabama. Or some reeeaally freaky parts of Kentucky.
But that's not the point.
You see, beyond my words and what I try to pass off as humor I have an actual real life job as "Nick Burns, Your Company Computer Guy"...
...without the charm or patience. In this position I spend all day resetting passwords, repairing computers, monitoring a bevy of servers and systems and occasionally bludgeoning users to death with a really old IBM mechanical keyboard for still laughing at and using the old I.D.-Ten-T joke. I am blamed and abused for every technical fault of the monkey behind the work station throwing feces at his keyboard, I am the bitch at the ball gag wearing end of the support phone, and most horrifically:
I'm a mall kiosk full of free computer support to every Tom, Dick and hehe I said Dick that has a question about their Mother's friend's roommate's son's twelve year old computer. Well no more.
I quit.
I've been asked one too many times about wireless networking and the very last "one quick question" that is neither one nor quick has been tossed on the pile. To quote the famous literary giant known only as "Popeye"...
"I've taken alls I cans stands, and I can'ts stands no mores!"
So I'm done. Finished. Out like the really obvious kid from Nsync. Finito. No more will these hands heal the sick and the pop-up infested. And do you know why?
Because I'm raising goats.
"What the F*** do *YOU* know about GOATS?" You might be asking all sarcastically with a potty mouth if you are the spouse of a man who just announced that he was going to quit and that the kids really don't need shoes because the barefoot look is "in" this year.
The truth is - I know little to nothing about goats. I mean I know SOMETHING about them, namely that they're little weird horned farm animals and that they always eat garbage and tin cans in cartoons, but other than that?
Not a damned thing.
But what I lack in knowledge of the actual animal I've decided to raise in lieu of a "real job" that "pays actual money" is enough to make me quit without even giving this a single rational or non-vodka inspired thought. Little facts such as:
* Nobody asks you about goats at parties: It's a fact. I know this because I just made it up, so I can verify it. People never ask you goat related questions at parties, the mall, while you are ACTUALLY FRIGGING PEEING IN THE BATHROOM. No lie.
I'm sitting there with one hand on my junk and my focus dead ahead in order to redeem myself from the "Corn Chip incident" (as it has come to be known) and the guy (Or alien, or faceless demon ready to devour my soul, or CHUD - I don't know, I don't look.) next to me will say something like - "Hey, let me ask you something about my home computer".
Really? HERE? NOW? While I'm partially nude and touching myself you want to ask me about computers. This couldn't wait a minute until we're over by the sink and not in a homo-erotic opener to alternative German porn?
But it can never wait.
No matter where I go or what I'm doing, the moment someone finds out that I'm a computer tech the questions just come pouring in and I'm sick of them. Then I realized...
No one talks to a goat farmer while HE is peeing. No one has sudden and urgent goat related questions that pop up as soon as they find out that you're a goat farmer. In fact they just kinda wrinkle their nose and refuse to shake your hand on the off chance that you're JUST getting off shift and still have some fresh farmed goat stuck to your fingers.
There is no down side.
* Goats seldom "just stop working": Computers magically seem to do this even though the user "didn't do ANYTHING! Really!". Sure it looks like someone renamed the Windows directory to "Bob's Wickedcool Windows" and upon reboot it couldn't find the default folder needed for startup, but Bob didn't do it.
It just stopped working. Really!
Well goats don't just stop working, and if on the off chance they do? I'm pretty sure that you can eat them. I mean they're made of meat right? And if we've learned anything about animals that are made entirely out of meat is that they're pretty much tasty.
You have a barbeque, order a new "live goat" and boom! You're back in business.
I'm seeing no flaws in my plan.
* Not everyone owns a goat: Which means that almost no one out there thinks that they are a goat expert and will do really stupid and disturbing things to their goat and then ask you to fix it. The goat-to-stupid-people-who-shouldn't-EVER-own-goats ratio is extremely small and properly a portion of the population that I could easily avoid.
The computer-to-stupid-people-who-should-NEVER-own-a-computer ratio? Too depressing to talk about.
* Goat farmers probably smell: Like the freaky ghetto paint jobs on poisonous frogs, the huge fangs on snakes and spiders, and the weird pulsating moles on Gramma's neck - nature gives every animal a natural defense that keeps the unwanted away.
Natural goat odor?
Yeah. I'm guessing that is preeeeetty high up there on the "keep the HELL away from this stinky bastard" scale of fending off stupid questions and people who want to use a 14 year old Packard Bell to "just surf the internet".
The more I think about this, the more perfect my plan seems.
No more e-mail messages that you can't get to or that are mistakenly noted as spam. No more broken hard drives or sticky CD-Rom trays because you spilled ONE lousy soda. No more surfing the net for really strange and erotic porn featuring women with humungous airbags that you'd never normally see outside of an industrial vehicle accident...
....
.....frick.
Okay. I'll stick with the computers a bit longer.
But only until I get a stomach for goat porn. Then the transformation will be complete and Germany...here I come.
-Coyote
Action! Adventure! Ninjas! What more could you ask for? Go read the friggin' comic or so help me, I'm coming after each and every one of you.
And I'm bringing trained rats and a Zippo lighter.)
Ha! Goats were a plot device in How I met your mother last night!
So, Coyote, I just got this new goat, unboxed it. And as soon as I plugged it in, it turned all black and got even smellier
Any advice ?
i want me some fainting goats now!
Coyote, i shall not read it till i get attacked by your flaming trained rats,cause i have the perfect defense, and no its not a cat!
IT'S A CAT WITH A PAINTBALL GUN!
oh, yea and coyote, one quick question,
can you tell me where i can get a replacement W key?
Mine has a hole in it and is all worn from all the time spent playing eq and just pressing the w key
Ahhhh Bithnar, your Nick-Burns-Fu is weak. :-(
Bithy...don't hurt Coy's fragile mind...
Coyote Sharptongue Says:
April 28th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
God damn it Sandor - I’M NOT GUNNA BE A …wait..what kinda hat?
__________
Take your pick, man:
http://cmes.hmdc.harvard.edu/files/uploaded_images/Beranek11.jpg
http://www.drweevil.org/KurdHat.jpg
http://www.surfersam.com/funny-pictures/hat.jpg
The last one was the least disturbing of several options that involved hairy naked men. You're welcome.
S
Goats are ace, they'll eat *anything*.
...
Ok that doesnt look good, Ill explain, they are basically like a living garbage disposal.
Gaaah I typed out garbage, now I feel dirty.
Ok its rubbish, not garbage, damned yankee pig dogs.
Anyhoo, they have 2 stomachs, and giving them oats then beer is not a good idea. They die. But, anything else, its converted to awesome manure for the garden!
Fainting goats = Microsoft Goat 2.0
reddragon Says:
April 28th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Goats seldom “just stop workingâ€
…
I’ve actually heard of goats that DO “just stop workingâ€.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Myotonic Fainting Goats.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=j5kKoBOfPJk
---------------------------------------
So, when this happens does it require a hard reboot?
Saw these guys on "Dirty Jobs" a few months back, absolutely hilarious.
Goats seldom “just stop workingâ€
...
I've actually heard of goats that DO "just stop working".
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Myotonic Fainting Goats.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=j5kKoBOfPJk
The difffence between A Cattle Farmer and and a Cattle rancher is a Cattle farmer keeps their live stock in a barn or smaller pen and Grows crops to feed them. Where as a Rancher Typicaly doesn't grow anything and allows the livestock to roam over a large area. So yes Sandor you are kind of right but for where Coyoye lives it would be farmer do to climate.
Sandor you are 100% correct in your termonology.
But sadly Piffy is right. "Farmer" out here applies to both the growing of crops and the growing of farm animals for slaughter. A "Dairy Farmer" out here is still a farmer, even though he rarely grows anything besides the scrub corn for his livestock. Those who grow lamb, cow, and goat for slaughter, due to location (here) are still Farmers.
Piffy is right. Rancher or Herder would get you a blackeye or at least laughed at for your correct terms and fancy words coming out of your pretty mouth.
Out here be it Agriculture or Dairy, or Slaughter farm = farmer. Pretty words be damned.
So while you are technically correct, in terms of slang and local terms you are wrong and would probably end up someone's date for city-fying words.
# Dreadswench Says:
April 28th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Please someone explain to me for the love of god how if you are looking at a site of an outside vendor and search for their information and only stuff with a certain letter comes up how it could be on our side. It’s not like we maintain their data or have any affiliation with them.
/bangs head on desk
-------------------------------------------------
Sorry Wenchie, this sounds like a computer-related question. This site now only trucks with the feeding, breeding and pooping of goats and goat-like creatures.
Piffy Says:
April 28th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Farmer produce food, Last night im pretty sure i ate corn and some other vegs for dinner that were grown by a farmer. Were Coyote lives it’s Farmer not herder or rancher. I know alot of people who own Dairy Farms, and if i called them cow herders or rancher i’d get a face full of knuckles. maybe not so much the rancher one but they call them selfs farmers
__________
Well, I was just kidding, Piff. Obviously farmers produces food. But I'm not going to annoy the PETA types very much by making jokes about eating corn, now am I? I mean we could blather on about bean and vegetable feasts all day without drawing even an ounce of hippie wrath. But say "Mmmmm ... goatburgers!" once and your comment is stored forever in PETA's Archive of Evildoers. Trust me, I know.
But since you seem to want to discuss it seriously, I think that the term "farmer" denotes someone who mainly produces non-meat products (like vegetables, grains, or dairy). Likewise, I'm pretty sure a "rancher" mainly produces meat products (like beef). Of course there is likely to be some overlap; your typical farmer probably raises some meat animals, while I'd bet most ranchers keep a garden or field of beans.
As for "herder", I think it's just an outdated term. However, I'd be willing to see it come out of retirement in Coyote's case. Mostly just so we could call him a "scruffy-looking goat herder".
S
Please someone explain to me for the love of god how if you are looking at a site of an outside vendor and search for their information and only stuff with a certain letter comes up how it could be on our side. It's not like we maintain their data or have any affiliation with them.
/bangs head on desk
Farmer produce food, Last night im pretty sure i ate corn and some other vegs for dinner that were grown by a farmer. Were Coyote lives it's Farmer not herder or rancher. I know alot of people who own Dairy Farms, and if i called them cow herders or rancher i'd get a face full of knuckles. maybe not so much the rancher one but they call them selfs farmers
I'm fairly certain that the correct term would be "goat herder", as opposed to "goat farmer". Farmers grow vegetables and beans and other hippie crap, then they sell it to herders or ranchers, who then turn it into delicious meat. So farmers don't really produce food, they produce what food eats.
You definately want to get the "herder" or "rancher" title if possible.
S
The sad, sad truth is... I am a goat geek. I raised purebred dairy goats for almost 20 years in Canada (La Manchas, Toggenburgs and Nubians).
I raised them, showed them, and travelled across the country judging at goat shows.
So if you ever DO decide to switch careers... don't.
But if you do, come ask the goat lady all about them.
I used to get calls at 2am from people with sick goats, I kid you not (pardon the pun). They'd drop in all through my weekend, like I had nothing better to do than talk goat on my days off. Mind, it wasn't so bad if they picked up a fork and helped me muck out the barn, and even better if they brought beer along.
That was all a long time ago before the Interntez was affordable and God hadn't invented digital cameras yet, but I still have proof: I was at the CA State Fair with my friend Wren last year and was amazed to see that drawings I had done for the Canadian Type Classification program were still being used as part of 4-H displays some 15 years later.
http://www.thebrasse.com/images/20070824_CA_State_Fair_Bhin.jpg
http://www.thebrasse.com/images/20070824_CA_State_Fair.jpg
I know goat boobies.
Not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed.
I'll go with proud.
;-)#
Brasse
ps. sorry for the long post. I kind of miss having the chance to talk goat.
Our office is next to a rural/residential area and one time, our immediate neighbor wasn't home but their two goats got loose. Everyone was freaking out that a delivery truck might come and hit them so it was up to me to herd them back inot their pen and lock them up. I was chosen because I had the most experience with goats (I milked on once at a friend's farm)
Yup for ages I was able to use the sorry I just work on the Mainframe as a valid excuse, but people who know I've changed my job know I don't do that anymore.
It never really worked for my mom though she's like I paid for your college so get here and fix it.
S'okay Kunane. Uncle Coyote got yer back.
Sorry. Kunane is Kunane. ACK!
Problem is coyotee is that once you get pegged as that IT guy it lingers over you like a bad smell. I just tell people my IT background is in Databases. That seems to confuse em and they leave me alone.
It wasn't that the goats were starved, its just that they act like that most of the time. Goats are perpetually hungry.
Lol, that's exactly why goats and geese are dangerous I tell ya.
Actually, I blame the petting zoo for not feeding them that day. It was a super rainy day and not a lot of people were at the place. My mother on the other hand was a firm believer that if we are on vacation we were not staying in the hotel while it rained all day and night.
Sure Wenchie, they are vicious beasties. That is why they are put in every petting zoo available. To thin the herds of timid children with pockets full of dried corn.
The new Avast Ye is up!
Action! Adventure! Ninjas! What more could you ask for? Go read the friggin' comic or so help me, I'm coming after each and every one of you.
And I'm bringing trained rats and a Zippo lighter.
When we first moved up here my sister was raising a couple of goats. Except for the poopies (which look like olives and make a good fertilizer) they were pretty clean animals. There were cute as can be and lots of fun to watch as the babies hopped and bounced around. As long as you spent some time with them as little ones, there were pretty easily tamed and loved attention. One of them liked to climb up onto my lap and let me cuddle with her. If I had a fenced in yard, I would totally love a couple of goats running around.
http://loolee.net/post/Ears.jpg
I actualy know some people who own goats, they don't smell to bad, but they are mean as hell.
Small animal farming is not all it's cracked up to be. I was at a party one time and had someone ask me how chickens had sex. There's nothing like a little chicken porn with your cocktails.
Hey, Coyotee....let me ask you something about my home computer....
/grin
/duck
/snicker
I hate to break it to you Coyote but goats go "baaa" so do sheep. Its cows that go "mooooo" so your column's title is a bit off.
God damn it Sandor - I'M NOT GUNNA BE A ...wait..what kinda hat?
The difffence between A Cattle Farmer and and a Cattle rancher is a Cattle farmer keeps their live stock in a barn or smaller pen and Grows crops to feed them. Where as a Rancher Typicaly doesn’t grow anything and allows the livestock to roam over a large area.
__________
Yeah, you're might well be right about this. It's probably not so much about what food they produce, but more about how they produce it. However, the term "farmer" to me will always mean someone who grows crops, while "rancher" will be someone who raises animals. I grew up with a half-dozen horse and cattle pastures within a mile of my house, and it just doesn't seem right to call the folks who worked them "farmers".
And "herder" is just amusing, because it implies someone with a crook'd staff and funny little hat.
S
Thanks Dar! Goat poop isn't as fun to toss at people as cow patties. So are we admitting that men have a fascination with Sheep and other barnyard animals. ;-x
Goats can attack. I know i got attacked by them at some petting zoo thing when I was little. They must not have eaten all day and when I went in there with my cone of corn I was in trouble. The goat guy had to come rescue me and ended up getting rammed in the groin by the only goat who still had it's horns. So as soon as the guy gets me out of the enclosure I bust out laughing at him because he got rammed by a goat.
3rd! OMFGBBQWTF
My friend who konws all about goats says that you probably don't have the skills to raise them.