Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Jack Thompson has been disbarred.

You heard me. He's done. Finito. Finished. Jack Thompson is NO MORE. His career is D-E-D dead and what's more...

It's forever.

For-Ev-Er.

The ruling came down last week that John Bruce "Jack" Thompson is to be disbarred for LIFE and never again allowed to practice law, or even say the word law lest he be given a hefty fine and a smack in the chops. Needless to say...

I'm crushed.

Like reaching the end of a good book, or finishing a movie that you've come to love, I'm sad to see Whacko Jacko go, because he's given us so much material over the years. In fact, I'm feeling a little bit bad for the guy, and maybe a tad guilty - so we're going to help him out today with...

"Five New Jobs For Jack Thompson.....now that he's been disbarred....FOR-EV-ER"

I know. Long ass title.

Bite me.

Scary Street Vagrant

Job Description: That weird guy with the matted beard who picks cans out the trash and occasionally shakes his fist at the sky because the birds are trying to steal his thoughts.

You know the dude.

You felt bad for him once, and in attempts to lessen the burden of his tragic and strife filled existence you offered him a five dollar bill - which he promptly grabbed and ATE and then began calling you names because you look like the guy who put the mind worms in his head back in 'Nam?

Yeah. Him.

Why this would be the perfect job: Because Jack Thompson is already close to the breaking point, and it would be funny to see him go over the edge.

Not "funny" in that whole "Powerful lawyer turned raving street lunatic because of his own actions" kinda way, but funny in the "point and laugh at his misfortune before waving a copy of PC Gamer in his face and letting him chase you around the park while giggling" way.

Immature? Maybe.

Petty and Childish? If you're into labels, sure.

Beneath us? Oh...oh honey, you haven't been reading this column long have you? Well welcome, have a seat over there and some hot chocolate. You'll be spilling it in disgust soon enough before stomping off and writing angry letters.

Does this make us the baddest? The Meanest?

Sho'nuff

Sous Chef

Job Description: A Sous Chef is the second in command of any kitchen and helps control when the big Chef isn't around. People have to listen to him and do what he says until the Master Chef gets back and tell him to "lighten up Francis".

Why this would be the perfect job:

Because you pronounce "Sous" as "Sue" and Jack Thompson used to SUE everyone and anything under the sun. It would be like one of those Ironic nicknames like a fat guy named slim or like rain on your wedding day.

Or good advice that you just didn't take.

As a Sous Chef Jack Thompson would get some power over people who hated him and would probably be pelted with carrots from time to time. Plus as a disbarred lawyer, his name would be a constant reminder that he was once able to practice law, but now he can't because he had to be a douche bag and throw away his life and career and now he's stuck making cream of broccoli soup.

Plus? I bet his tears would flavor the soup and make it taste even nummier if you're a gamer. Geeks would come from miles just to have him cry into their food so that they could enjoy the tasty unfathomable sorrow of his tears.

He would be the Scott Tenorman of soup.

Action Movie Star

Job Description: A rough and tumble no-nonsense Ex-Lawyer turned kick ass gun touting vigilante for justice. He'd kill bad guys, sling lead like a malfunctioning pencil press and spout off catch phrases like:

"Law? I AM THE LAW...or..I used to argue it legally but now I can't because I sent nudie pictures of dudes doing it to Federal Judges..."

...okay. We're still working on the catch phrase, but there would be explosions and babes and violence the likes of which you have never seen.

Why this would be the perfect job: It is with some reluctance that I have to admit, Jack Thompson has a kick-ass ex-cop-on-the-edge name. It is just one of those names that sounds like he had a big bowl of Raisin Bran Baby Crunch for breakfast, and washed it down with a half dozen still lit cigar stubs.

And now that he can no longer practice law, ever again, even in Alabama where they don't even HAVE laws, it's time for him to give back and stop sullying a cool ass name like Jack Thompson. The courts have given him two years to make restitution by staring in a mega blockbuster action movie in which he has to kick down doors and blow the smoke out of the barrels of a sawed off shotgun.

Whether of not this movie has to star Steven Segal is still under negotiation.

Giddem Johnny

Job Description: The "Giddem Johnny" is the role of unseen accelerate to situation, and it often goes unacknowledged or noticed. But don't let the fact that you've never heard of it dissuade you, or make you draw into question its validity on this list.

The Giddem Johnny is a crucial part of any tense situation and is often the only catalyst to truly spark change. Like in the Karate Kid when the young blonde bully from the Cobra Kai dojo is getting ready to pummel the snot of Daniel. The scene is tense, there is nervousness in Johnny's eyes and you can tell that for just an instant that he's second guessing his actions. Should he beat up on this kid, is violence necessary - even justified? Is he being true to his chosen path and it's teachings?

Then someone in the background yells "Giddem Johnny!" and BLAMO!

Ralph Malph has to explain a black eye to his mother who was (Verified through internet rumor) the same age as him.

Why this would be the perfect job: Jack Thompson has made a career out of causing trouble and then just sitting back and watching it unfold with smug satisfaction. As a "Giddem Johnny" he could continue this trend without the worry of getting in trouble for instigating, antagonizing or practicing any type of law (WHICH HE IS BANNED FROM DOING, AGAIN, FOR-EV-ER).

And even if it IS traced back to him he could just shrug and say:

"I just said "giddem"."

And there wouldn't be anything they could do about it except for think that he's a weasely douchebag - which if you'll note - he totally is.

Win / Win

Video Game Reviewer

Job Description: The pinnacle of geek jobs that we all strive for. Game Reviewer is right up there with "Pimp" and "TSA on HOOTERS AIRLINE".

'cause...ya know. You get to FRISK'em. Frisk. Awww yeah.

A Video Game Reviewer gets games sent to him, gets to play them, and THEN gets to review them so that we all know which games to try and which ones are The Matrix Online or Vanguard.

(HA! See what I did there?)

Why this would the perfect job: It WOULDN'T! Not without the most mind-blowing twist you've ever seen since you found out that Bruce Willis was a GHOST the whole time in The Sixth Sense.

Ready?

Jack Thompson KNOWS what video games are good. He knows which ones kick the most ass are the most fun to play. But he doesn't KNOW that he knows. He considers them disgusting, or perverse, or too violent for the world and wants them banned.

So when we give him a crap-load of games to test, we take the ones that offended him the MOST and hype the hell out of them because you KNOW that they have to be good.

Right?

BRILLIAN eh? BRILLANT!

As long as ol' Johnny B. doesn't catch on that we're using his powers for GOOD, he'll be happy, we'll be happy and the gaming world can only prosper by using his negativity for a positive result! THIS is why you bastards should vote for me as President.

I'm frigging CRAFTY.

-Coyote

(Monday Pimpings! The new Avast Ye is up, so git over there and see it. Also - special mega thanks to Taea for the idea used today. If you like it, she did a good job. If it sucked, it was all her fault. Yay for cop-outs.)