Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Since my return from the land of the vacationed, my mailbag has been filling up with question after question - and they're all on the same topic.

So rather than write anyone back and explain to them exactly WHY I haven't done a "Disney Recap" and get into all of the detail of my vacation away from the world of computers and writing, I thought instead that I would do it here, for all to see...

...and mebbe get a column out of it.

Now leave me alone, because I'm bringing you...

"Uncle Coyote's Bulging Sack...of mail.......up-close and personal and smelling slightly of sweat."

"How was Disney? Did the Hurricane / Tropical Storm ruin the trip?"

It did not.

I'll admit, it was wet, and there was just a hint of worry in my eyes when I saw that a F***ING HURRICANE was scheduled to hit Florida around the same time that I was. All of the news casts that I saw went like this:

"This is odd Tom, tropical storm Fay, which threatens to crest into a level 1 Hurricane is just HANGING off of the coast of Florida. We've never seen anything like it. So far all it has done is suck up every shark in the ocean and a few of those creepy spiked puffer fish, and now it just appears to be waiting. A huge, spinning, angry water tornado full of pissed off sharks and ballooned up puffer fish. What could this mean?"

So needless to say, I was at least a little bit concerned.

Sharks are deadly enough by themselves, but hold them up, spin them around, and make them dizzier than hell and well, you're pretty much hosed. Luckily for me that I remembered we're a family of coyotes and our species is one of the most ready to adapt in order to survive ever known to the animal kingdom.

So we went down, we braved the rain and the wind and the occasional flailing illegal immigrant and they flew by our heads in a final death scream like the tornado scene from the Wizard of Oz, and we made the best of it.

And I got Pirate Mickey Ears. Yaaar.

"You have to tell me what the updated Haunted Mansion was like! Did it kick major ass?"

It did not.

This saddens me more than a bit because I was REALLY hoping for some major ass kickery or awesomeness contained. Instead I got a bunch of really old animatronic skeletons, lame effects (Ooooh, a hand is coming out of a coffin! Oh! It's going back in, no wait..here it comes again..no..it's leaving a....and back again.) and really old ghost camera tricks in which you could always see the strings and wires.

I was disappointed.

The ride was lame, failed to live up to my imagination or self induced hype, and when my eldest pup who is literally afraid of EVERYTHING is giving the "hitchhiking ghost" bunny ears, the ride is officially a bust.

If you want to be scared at Disney, go to one of the sit down restaurants and view the "haunted menu". Because if 27 bucks for a cheeseburger doesn't make you shit yourself, nothing will.

"Why haven't you done a vacation recap blog, or tell us more about your trip? Where are the pictures of you and your family?"

Because this isn't a blog god damn it.

Sure, I comment on things, throw out personal reflections and opinions, and generally make it all about ME, but it isn't a BLOG. This isn't about ME, it is about how I see things in the gaming, geek, or gazanga category of the world and relate to you, my peers and digital brethren.

I rarely get truly personal which is why you'll never see mention of Birthdays of my family, hear about how my cat pooped in the sink, or that Mrs. Coyote made me sleep on the couch because I farted so loud in my sleep that her ears popped. As bloggy as it looks, feels, or even says in the link TO the site, it isn't a blog in the normal "Myspace" acceptance of the word - and NO god damn it, I'm not in denial. NOW LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!

As to why you only get smiling pictures of me in all of my pasty doughy goodness and not that of the family I've spawned or the woman insane enough to put up with me - it's because this isn't about the man behind "Coyote" or his family, and I don't need you asshats photo shopping my children in the jaws of a raptor, or getting revenge on me by going after them because I showed a picture of Harry Potter giving a reach around to a horse.

We protect the innocent. I'm like a Superhero in that way.

"Did you see Walt Disney's Frozen Head?"

I licked it.

It tasted like success and bourbon.

"Hey Coyote Parseltongue, just wanted you to know that death eaters have their vacations ruined by hurricanes. We told you it wouldn't just be you that suffered. Your kids get what you get. You know what we want so apologize or the curse stays. Posting pictures of Dumbledore being gay isn't even funny because he really is and we're okay with that you jerk. Ready to admit you were wrong yet?"

Okay okay okay.

I KNOW that I said I would *NEVER* post your writings, acknowledge you in print, and that your constant letters and threats in the flavor of Harry Potter would never make it to this site, but...

This SLAYED me.

I'm evil because I post pictures of, let's say....

Harry Potter slapping his wand down on that little troll thing.

So you and "Hermione's Heroes" or whatever you're calling yourself this week use your vast magical talents and mystical abilities gathered from toy replica wands and sharpie marker lightning bolt tattoos, and LEVEL FLORIDA TO GET ME? You destroy homes, cause amazing flood damage, stop work, travel, and normal daily routine for hundreds of thousands of people, JUST to make me get wet at Disney in hopes of ruining my vacation?

And I'm the evil one?

Even in your fantasy world gone wrong you have to see the vast hypocrisy in this. Tell me my dear, have you finally given in to the dark side or whatever they call the cool kids in the Rowlingverse? Are you all Snaped out and Wingardium Levoisaing yourself?

Because if I think that even for a moment that my actions here have driven ANYONE to cross from light into dark, choose the path of anger, or dedicate their lives to evil because of something that *I* did...

...well...

THAT my friends would truly be a reason to jump for joy.

There. Photoshop that you bastards.

-Coyote