Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Today is Labor Day, so chances are - if you're reading this, you're probably not American. Either that or you ARE American and you're stuck at some crappy job that makes you actually WORK on Labor Day and are reading my column as a form of silent protest.

Either way I figured I'd give you folks something to read rather than rub it in that I'm still sleeping because I actually have the day off and you don't. You're stuck at work waiting on people who have the day off, and I'm snuggled deep in my comfy bed and drooling like a Saint Bernard with a lip ring.

That, or you're one of my "over seas" readers, who have NO idea what Labor Day actually is because you have weird holidays that no one understands and that usually involve "crumpets and tea". You're probably rolling your eyes and saying something like "Those bloody Americans have more wickershammed holidays than you can shake a gumbily froo at!" in a prissy accent that makes us want to punch you in the eye and take you to the dentist.

But how we've come to be here isn't important. What *IS* important is that today is Labor Day, and in celebration of that I've decided to explain to you exactly WHAT Labor Day is.

Ahem.

Labor Day is a day where you don't have to work. That's pretty much it. I know, I know:

"But if it is LABOR Day, shouldn't you be laboring as the name implies?"

No. Labor Day just has one of those ironic names like a big guy named Tiny or a fat dude named Slim, although that's just more mean than clever because he probably has a gland problem or a bad thyroid or something.

But I digress.

Labor Day is just another crappy "not real" holiday that we celebrate as a way to get a free day off of work. It falls into the "B Movie" category of holidays, and while no one really likes it or takes the time to reflect on its true meanings and such, they'd freak right the hell out if someone tried to take it away from them. It ranks right up there in importance with Columbus Day, which is just a bull-hock holiday to begin with because no one gives a damn about Columbus.

I mean a celebration of the day that Columbus accidentally discovered America? What a crock. Everyone knows that he got butt-lost and thought he was in India and just luckily stumbled across the land mass that became our great country. And THAT just further proves how much of an asshole Columbus really was, because he went as far as to name the natives "Indians" even though they neither looked nor acted like the Indians that we he already knew of.

"Whoa...Chris, those don't look like Indians."

"They're Indians. We're in India."

"Yeah, but they're all painted and have bows. Indians don't use bows."

"THEY'RE INDIANS, okay? They're just a different kind."

"A different kind of Indian that has never been documented or recorded and speaks a completely new dialect that we've never heard before."

"Yes."

"You are such a dick."

Of course, he was probably really justified in being a jerk because you just KNOW that his friends were ragging on him from the moment they landed and everyone realized that they weren't in India. In fact, Columbus probably didn't even want to call the natives "Indians". It was probably his friends just rubbing it in at every opportunity.

"Oh look, here come more of those INDIANS. Good thing we found all these INDIANS right here in INDIA, eh Chris? I sure love me some INDIA. This INDIAN food is GREAT!"

Guys are brutal to each other like that.

Where chicks hug and support each other and give advice on how to improve their lives on a whole, men just look for a point of weakness and exploit the piss out of it. Every flaw, error and mistake is just and opportunity to get another dig in because secretly no matter how mad the guy getting picked on gets, he knows that it is funny and he deserves the mocking. So I don't doubt for a second that Columbus's friends were the ones who got the "Indians" thing to stick, because I know damn well that if I were on that boat they would have had to beat me with oars to shut me up.

That or let me get my wigwam on with Pocahontas.

Rawr...

In reality, Labor Day is more than just a day off that I get and you don't (haha!), it's a milestone. A marker signifying the unofficial end of Summer and the welcoming of Autumn. A reminder that school starts soon, the days are growing shorter, and the nights are getting colder. So take this day as a day of reflection as you look back on the already waning year and realize...

...you have to work and I don't.

-Coyote

((And in other slacker news - if you're bored at work and trying to stick it to the man - check out Avast Ye! It's updated, new and wondrous, and will eat away another precious moment out of your day bringing you ever closer to freedom. Because you totally have to work. AHAHHAHAHAH)