A personal blog entry of personal blogginess..
Updated Mon, Nov 10, 2008 by Coyote
(Every once in a great while I allow myself one of these. I know it isn't my thing, but trust me, this is ALL that you are getting today because...just....ooooh.)
I stretched a bit as I yawned and looked around my still dark bedroom with sleepy eyes.
It felt GOOD to finally wake up without the shrill electronic chirping of that frigging alarm clock. Whoever invented that little "startle you out of a sexy dream that involved hot midget chicks and Cool-Whip" should be shot. You're scared awake, jostled violently out of dreamland, and you start every morning with a big cup of panic.
So it was nice to finally wake up without the alarm clock, because I NEVER wake up without the alarm clock.
I felt refreshed and renewed. Like I could do anything. Like I could...
...wait.
I NEVER wake up without the alarm clock.
Fear grips my insides an my breath catches in my chest as the moment of dawning comprehension sets in. With a panicked lunge I sit upright in bed and catch the actual TIME on the alarm lock.
6:43.
I get up at 4:45.
I'm two hours late and I am NEVER late. Immediately my head starts swimming with fears and realizations as I hurl myself out of the bed and towards the closet door. Any writing assignments that I have are going out the window - there's no time for my normal morning routine. I have to shower, shave, get dressed and somehow drive the 36 miles to work in hopes of beating the clock.
I'm like a whirlwind of efficency. Clothes are thrown into an uncaring pile before being scooped up roughly and all but thrown into the bathroom. Lights are left on, doors are slammed and I'm brushing my teeth IN the shower, hygiene and minty fresh dribblings be damned.
I'm late, and I am NEVER late.
A quick glance in the mirror tells me that I can skip a shave and as I comb my hair and huck my Spiderman Toothbrush somewhere in the vicinity of it's holder, I grab my clothes and I go. A tornado of timing, I'm mostly dressed, prepared for the day, and frantically searching for my keys as I rip through the livingroom like a man possessed.
Keys, keys, where the F*** are my keys?!
Horrible thoughts pound against my skull as I mentally convict every person living in my household of hiding my keys. It was PROBABLY those damned kids who have to touch everything even when they KNOW it doesn't belong to them because - AHA! KEYS!
Right next to the T.V.! I must have set them there when I got home yesterday!
A quick glance to the DVR tells me that I'm making good time because my entire morning ritual has only taken about 8 minutes, and since it is now only 4:53, I have MORE than enough time to...
4:53? What. The. F***?!?!
I look at my watch and then the microwave in the kitchen for comfirmation.
4:53.
Panic is replaced by anger as I stomp back into the bedroom and towards the form of my sleeping wife - the setter of said alarm clock, still peacefully sleeping and already encroching on MY side of the bed.
"Hey." I say as gently as I can as I give her a nudge.
No response.
"HEY." I say again, not so gently. She stirs slightly from her sleep and glares at me with a half opened eye.
"WHAT?!" She growls, her anger at merely being wakened washing over me like a nuclear blast wave.
"Did...did you set the alarm two hours late?" I ask hesitantly, because she scares the piss out of me.
"Yeah. I meant to fix that. Sorry." She offers before collapsing back into her pillow.
...
....
The pillow I'm currently using to smother her with.
So instead of a column for today filled with attempts at humor and bad jokes, you get my full confession to murder. I don't feel like writing, I'm tired and in a lousy mood, andmy heart is still pounding in my chest.
In the shower. I BRUSHED MY TEETH IN THE SHOWER - that right THERE should keep me off death row when they find her smothered corpse drooling on my pillow.
So today you get nothing. No column, no story, no nothing. I have two hours to kill, and since I have to do so in another room because she is angry that I woke her up, (Pillows seem ineffective. Anyone have a stake and some garlic?) I'm going to spend the remainder of my time playing video games before driving the actual speed limit to work, and maybe - just maybe, I'll stop off at the florist.
'Cause she seems REALLY mad that I woke her up this early.
-Coyote
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Coy, Dar is sessy....jealous jerk ;)
Poor Dar. There there dear it will be ok. *comforts*
The
Poor Coyote...
...of course you could look at it this way, now you know that if you REALLY need to, you can get totally ready for work in only 8 minutes.
Go play Warhammer's extra two days of pre-open beta goodness . . . and beware of almond cookie dough ice cream that the Missus will probably give you for desert tonight . . . and especially beware of her smelling like "Almond Delight in the Night" purfume when you get home tonight.
Can't Bith,
The patcher isn't accepting my password at ALL. I dunno if the patch servers are up.
Well that stinks :~/
I was able to patch last night - about 185 MB patch but wont be able mess around until late tonight. I'd say they won't be up till about 10am like they were during the preview weekend.
Speaking of angry women, last week I came up the ultimate test to see if your wife loves you.
Make plans to go out to the movies, tell her you will meet her at the theater at 9:30. Proceed to a friends house and drink exactly (in this order) 4 beers, 1 tequila shot, Rum & coke, 2 tequila shot, Double rum & coke, followed by one final tequila shot and a glass of wine to settle the stomach. Then call her at 9:20, Timing has to be good here. If she agrees to pick you up and still go to the movies even though you can hardly stand... she loves you.
If she ditches you at your friend’s house... then you have problems and may need to take her to the State Fair the next day and buy her all kinds of yummy fried dough and try to win a stuffed animal.
ahhhh good times..
I would read the column that you didn't write today, Coyote, but I'm busy playing Warhammer right now.
*evil laugh
I love this extra Preview Weekend :)
What on god's green earth possesses you to get up at 4:45 in the morning?? What kind of ungodly commute do you have that it takes you that long to get to work? Or does it normally take you hours and hours to get ready? (You know, to make yourself look less attractive so as to not cause riots and stampedes of women.)
Marcel Beaudoin Says:
September 5th, 2008 at 8:57 am
What on god’s green earth possesses you to get up at 4:45 in the morning?
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Coy is Fred the Baker. It was time to make the donuts.
Plot your revenge now...
Mine usually comes when I get the day off work and my wife doesn't know about it. I keep it quiet as possible until the day of and when she wakes me up panicking that I "overslept"... I calmly break the news to her and go back to sleep.
Then she calls me a "jerk". hehe
Marcel Beaudoin Says:
September 5th, 2008 at 8:57 am
What on god’s green earth possesses you to get up at 4:45 in the morning?? What kind of ungodly commute do you have that it takes you that long to get to work? Or does it normally take you hours and hours to get ready? (You know, to make yourself look less attractive so as to not cause riots and stampedes of women.)
**************************************************************************
I write an average of 11,000 words a week.
You have the blog, the weekly, the weekly for niche, the magazine, the first comic, the NEW comic for warhammer, a tech venture, and a new project that I hope will take off.
All that writing, plus a "normal" job as a Sys admin with a 45 minute drive, on call 24-7, and I work 6 days a week.
Sleep is for the weak.
# Coyote Says:
September 5th, 2008 at 9:33 am
waah waah waah, my life is so hard, woe is me, my vagina is sore
This is why you will die alone.
Unless you count your cats.
Then you will die alone, plus 158 cats. The smell from your house will sting the eyes of the people removing you, and one of them will vomit on your corpse. No one will visit your grave because it weirds them out that grass refuses to grow on it.
Coyote Says:
September 5th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Unless you count your cats.
Then you will die alone, plus 158 cats.
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Dar is Krunk?
I once took a "nap" on a Sunday afternoon, during that time of the year when 7 in the afternoon looks EXACTLY the same as 7 in the morning. I woke up with that "I've just had a great night's sleep, I feel REALLY rested feeling". Then I noticed it was about time to get up (6:30), so I showered and shaved and heading off to work.
During the drive I thought "Man, traffic is sure light today." That's when it hit me.....It wasn't 7am, it was 7PM! Somehow, though I'd felt like I'd been sleeping all night, I'd actually only slept a few hours on a Sunday afternoon!
BTW, I've done this twice. :)
Coyote didn't you write something similar to this before?
I'm with Dread......I meant to mention that this sounded very familiar.
Ocotber 25, 2007. Mrs. Coy set the alarm clock to P.M., but yeah lots of the same filler.
Actually, lots of different stuff written in the other, but the whole I never wake without an alarm clock think was the same. That's what tipped me off. I really think Coy doesn't wake up on his own.
Shipwreck Says:
September 5th, 2008 at 11:00 am
The
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Very interesting Ship. I'm wanting more or are we talking about Coy's best blog ever!!!
Best blog evar!!!1!
*Hugs Dar*
You won't die alone hon, I'll send hurk up to ya.
The.. also known as Blog 310. (I believe)
Yes, that was good stuff.
It changed my life.
I just have a sad life, because I tend to wake up at the same time every day, alarm or not. I can't sleep in at all. *cry*
As a kid I nearly PMSL when my young brother appeared in the living roo, bealry eyed but ready for school, at 8.30 in the evening. Even looking out the window and seeing it was pitch black dark wouldn't convince him that it was 'morning'.
Sadly, mum wouldn't let me just let him go off to school and he was eventually persuaded that it was STILL night time.:(
*looks around eerily*
This exact same thing happened to me this morning. My wife screwed up setting my alarm's (on my cell phone) and i woke up at 4 thinking it was 7. But what makes this worse is that I was up all night watching football then playing TF2, then uploading my Beta client for Darkfall, then trying to fall asleep around 2am.
I think I may have found my parallel universe.
Coyote, what did you have for lunch today?
Hahaha! badion. Set your own alarm ;)
There's nothing wrong with waking at 4:45 in the morning. That's what my first alarm is set for. Or should I say, that's when the first of the two alarms that I set myself goes off. There's nothing like waking up early, getting to work early, and getting out early.
(Yes, I set two alarms, incase I miss the first from being too hung-over, it's set for 5:01... yes 5:01, so I can have that extra minute, sometimes you really just need it.)
Wow... This has to be the second best blog entry ever :)
Best, of course, being The...
Behold The Word! The... shall the great Cthulhu into your lives, bringing the joy of madness...
...
..
I mean..ahem...I woke up at 9. Go college, yay.
Jensweet, you know I married my wife for two reasons. 1) (enter mooshy feeling) for her, and she knows I (mooshy feeling) her for ever. 2) to do that which i hate to do most, set alarms and clean.
Ok so I can totally cut and paste this to her right? Cause like I think your wife rocks, and I should totally share this with her.......
Crap, shouldn't have put that in writing, Jensweet has access to my wife's myspace page, or as I call it, Satan's social network.
You are jut mad cause I like her more than you LOL
Thanks to you
The place I work at opens at 10am. They sort of expect me to be there on time, but, only sort of
My alarm goes off at 7:30 am
I roll out of bed approximately 3 or 4 hours later, and show up for work promptly... sometime before noon
And I always brush my teeth in the shower. What's wrong with that ?