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Mature guys like me enjoy the OPERA...
Posted September 12th, 2008 by Coyote
As a rule guys aren't supposed to like musicals.
Not REAL musicals at any rate. Anything that isby Joss Whedon, or thatfalls into the "funny and geeky" categories are considered acceptable - especially when done in parody, or stuck on YouTube while featuring some hot chick shaking her money makers.
No, I'm talking the REAL musicals. The "get dressed up, and so HELP me God if you put on that STUPID FRIGGING SHIRT that looks like a tuxedo I WILL DIVORCE YOU ON THE SPOT" kind of get togethers that you are sometimes as a guy, forced to go to because you someday soon wish to have sex again. But on the whole musicals, the ballet, and opera hold the same allure to a REAL guy as getting kicked in the crotch with a pair of steel toe boots.
Steel toe boots filled with BEES.
There's groin pain, and agony, and the distinct buzzing of face stinging death as you fall gasping, because you know for a fact that a disturbed bee always sends out the "Go for the eyes Boo!" chemical signal.
Still, given the choice between spending the night at the Opera or taking one in the taters with a work boot, most guys will choose the boot and get it over with. At least with the boot you know the pain will pass and that you can garnish sympathy from any other human being out there with a Y chromosome.
But get stuck at the Opera and not only will your agony feel like forever, your friends will mock you mercilessly and constantly question your sexuality while calling you names like Pavarotti. So unless it's a cartoon of Elmer Fudd with his spear and magic helmet or something by our Lord and Master Joss Whedon, we steer clear.
But the times, they are a-changin', and even something as horrifically cultured and endlessly boring as the OPERA may have something to offer the average Joe.
Now I know what you are thinking:
"Don't you wish more Hollywood A-list starlets with amazing cans would hop aboard the Halle Berry express and show some skin like she did in Swordfish?"
The answer of course is a resounding "HELL YES".
Look ladies...you're only young once and we want to see them before they get all droopy and wilty like sweat socks half filled with day old cottage cheese. But that isn't the point of this. The point is:
They've made a COOL Opera.
An Opera that REAL GUYS might not protest too much about being dragged to, even though no chick in her right mind would ever go and see it. An Opera filled with mutation and puking and horror.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you...
The Fly.
The Opera.
That's right, they made an Opera out of THE FLY in all of it's gene splicing, Brundle-barfing glory.
By now you're probably already thinking: "Suuuure they did Coyote. Some kids with a YouTube video or a local actors guild in some tiny town don't count as an Opera."
Well this isn't some dime store internet viral baby, this is the REAL frigging thing. And as for the legitimacy of the Opera itself, it is debuting at the LA Opera, and is being conducted by Plácido Domingo HIMSELF. Yeah, I have no idea who he is either, but with a name like Plácido Domingo, you just friggin' KNOW it is legit. That guy probably FARTS in three vocal ranges.
And the tellingis true to the story, but in Opera form. No lie, they're SINGING about the story of The Fly as (probably) famous Opera stars warble through the Acts in the following order: (And please remember that EVERYTHING described below is *literally* in the opera. Everything.)
Act I
The initial experiments, introductions of the pods and Brundle turning a gorilla INSIDE-FRIGGING OUT.
Yup, the FIRST act of this Opera STARTS with them giving King Kong one HELL of an "innie" for a belly button. A gorilla. Turned inside out. IN AN OPERA. But wait, it gets better.
Act II
Brundle goes through, gets merged with the fly and gets an insatiable appetite for SEX.
...
...Sex and inside out Gorillas.
In an Opera.
How can this POSSIBLY get any better? How about: Maggot baby dreams, grotesque transformations of man into fly, and ending with her BLOWING HIS HEAD OFF ON STAGE. True to the story he tries to force her through the pod, gets mutated even further and begs to be killed before she gives him both barrels of love to the noggin.
...
....yeah.
I'm already renting a tux.
Guys, this is the PERFECT out for us. If your woman is complaining that you aren't cultured enough, spring a couple of LA Opera tickets on her. Rent a monkey suit (Tux, not an inside out monkey costume, although that would be cool to wear to the premiere) get her all dolled up and act like you are taking her out for a nice night chock full of class and elegance.
By the time she realizes that she's been tricked into watching the fly, you'll already have been seated and she'll be forced to stay. And if she complains about the content, look at her with contempt and explain to her...
"THIS is why I never take you to the Opera, you just don't appreciate ART."
And then storm out of the room.
With luck she'll be too confused to put on the work boots.
-Coyote
I'm sorry, but this is the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard of. (maybe)
Like, Spamalot was a musical (not an opera) and it rocked. If you ever see TranSiberian Orchestra, the Xmas show is technically a rock opera (and that is one that does not suck). Phantom of the Opera, original cast at the Pantages theater, was freaking awesome. But, you needed a few stiff drinks pre show.
Now, turning the Fly into a Opera? That's just.... stupid. There are soo many other movies/shows that would make a good opera (yes, I agree on Evil Dead). Honestly, I could only see Coy heading to any opera if he was wearing his Great American Hero outfit.
I still maintain that you can admire the works of young Mr Marshal Mathers III, or Eminem, as light opera with 8 Mile being his magnum opus in much the same way that HMS Pinafore is 'the' Gilbert and Sullivan "piece".
Y'all don't need fat ladies and men in tights to sing a story y'know ;)
See, THIS I would go see.
Hm...In LA. Why am I not surprised...
Then again if it ever comes to south florida, you bet your ass i will be there.
Wouldn't steel toe boots filled with bees hurt the kickER more than the kickEE? To hurt the kickee, you'd have to... like... super glue the bees, ass-side-out, to the outside.
I'm SINGING in the Rain, just singing in the rain!
Sorry, got distracted by your pic up there. But it's ok, I'm a girl, and girls(or Radar) are allowed to recognize a scene from a musical.
Dude even *I* don't watch Opera....
I have to find myself agreeing with Madhog...sort of. Rocky Horror is just too creepy and cultish. Opera is boring period. If I spoke Italian? Maybe I could live with it.
...
Sometimes....you.....just....meh.
Dress it up how you want, Opera is boring.
Opera is not musicals. Rocky Horror Show? Good clean fun, with some role play, singing, dancing, and its not Opera. Hairspray? Sure, thats entertaining too, if you like big butts and you cannot lie, you other bruthas can deny, when a....erm where was I? Oh aye, Musicals, they are fine, as long as they are not Oklahoma or West Side Story, or Mamma Mia, then, yer either a chick, or a guy who doesnt like chicks but wants to be one.
Opera is for upper class twits and people who think that buy renting a dinner jacket they will be accepted into the upper echelons of society. They wont, they are pitied.
BAHHHHHHHHHHHH......things like this never make it to the east coast. Somewhere around tennesse they just get sucked into a hole in the earth and disappear. Oh well, I was not a big fan of the fly to begin with, but I would pay to go and see an opera about, say, DR. HORRIBLE!!!!!!
Apart from the funny ones (Rocky Horror, Lil Shop of Horrors, and the Whedons), Opera has felt like one of those Emporers New Clothes dealios. Like ballet and conceptual art. A load of pretentious toot, you have to pretend to appreciate to the next bored sod silently screaming into their bowtie lest you appear a philistine.
Reckon I'd rather live in philis.
There might be hope for you yet Coyote. Now if we could just get you to appreciate dance, without the dancers taking off their clothes.
Ummmm.. how exactly do you turn a guerilla inside out on stage? hmmmmmm... I'll be thinking about that one for the REST of the day.
The LHCb must've worked and I'm in a parallel Earth where this is normal
LA Opera website says that it's closed for ticketing for another 3 hours... I'll get those tickets tomorrow. Thanks for the heads up Coyote.
I always had a fond place in my heart for the Phantom of the Opera. It's a musical. About an opera house with a "ghost". I'm even taking Mr Morvy with me when it's in town later this month. I know it's a musical - and it's not even a funny one, but how cool is watching the chandelier over your head crash into the stage? ^_^
Oh sure you do a blog about The Fly but not Evil Dead. You sir are a dick!
I've been to an Opera once. My best friend (who has a doctorate in music) and I went to see La Boheme. It was one of the most painful experiences I've ever had.
Of course that morning we went kayaking around Captiva island without any sunblock and both got SEVERE sunburns. So that may have had something to do with it.