He who stored it, SPORE'd it.
Updated Mon, Nov 10, 2008 by Coyote
I hate buying video games.
It isn't the buying of the games itself that bothers me, but rather the manner in which I have to go about doing it. With console gaming dominating the markets and the average PC gamer going the way of the dinosaur, computer based games are being shoved aside and cast into a dark corner...
...quite literally.
Let's take for example my local Best Buy: While they are still one of the few gaming stores that carry a decent stock of current and older titles, the games themselves are anything but showcased. They're shoved to the very back of the store and crowded into one long forgotten aisle where anything even remotely computer game related is left to die in obscurity.
It's full of old standees for games that no longer exist, the games aren't in any particular order and the whole experience makes me feel like I'm in the "Perverted Section" of a seedy video rental store. No one ever goes back there, so when I proudly march to the Land of Misfit toys...
...I seem to catch the suspicious stink eye from every other patron in the store. But I don't care. I love my crowded, cluttered, can't-see-to-the-end-of-the-row gaming aisle, and I wouldn't change it for the world. That is of course until I saw HER.
A hot chick.
In the forgotten computer game section.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that hot chicks game. I've met more than a few extremely attractive gamer chicks in my time and I know for a fact that they exist.
However...
These chicks are usually at computer game related functions. Fan Fairs, conventions, and other large gatherings where they stick out like a bright red light saber in a sea of dorky blue. They're stared at, drooled upon, and with the covert flash of more than one cell phone camera - used as proof that some gaming geek has a "totally smoking hot girlfriend" by every single gamer guy in attendance.
But this was different. This was a hot gaming chick in the WILD. Unobserved on her own and extremely rare like watching sharks mate or a fat guy walk past a donut store without a chocolate glaze induced left turn.
And she didn't see me.
As I stated before, the gaming aisle is sorely neglected and used as a dumping ground for any work that the Best Buy employees don't want to deal with. It is crowded and cluttered and unless you walk the whole aisle, you can't truly tell if you are alone or somehow in the middle of a herd of grazing Buffalo. It is THAT littered with giant Lara Croft figures being crouched protectively over by Halo's Master Chief. So somehow in her embarrassed earnest to travel into the computer game aisle, she missed my geeky ass standing there with a copy of Spore. (That I still refuse to buy.)
She was scorching hot. Long dark hair, pale skin, and a rack that would make Hugh Heffner remember where he put his keys all bound up in a tight black dress that was cut WAY too high.
And here I was lurking like I was about to make her a teen statistic.
Still, I couldn't look away - she was far too attractive and I was WAY too curious. A million questions raced through my head.
Was she here alone? Was she lost? What kind of gamer was she? Something in her eyes gave away her nervousness so I knew that she had come to the gaming section on purpose and I watched in anticipation to see what genre she'd go for. Looking around to make sure no one saw her she bent down lightly as she crouched past the First Person Shooters and the typical SIM type games and came eye level with the MMORPG shelf.
Warcraft, EverQuest, hell - Tabula Rasa - I didn't care WHAT game she chose as long as she grabbed one. A gamer chick is hot, but a ROLE PLAYING gamer chick?
Infinitely hotter.
And then it happened. She stood up, looked around, crouched once more and...
...
...let out the LOUDEST FART I HAVE EVER HEARD.
We're talking a physically impossible, butt cheek shaking, who popped an air mattress filled with pudding fart from HELL. It was like someone threw a tuba player into on coming traffic, and it surprised me so badly that I dropped the game that I was looking at.
BOOM. Eye contact.
She stands up wide eyed as she looks at me.
I stand there with my hair blown back like a mad scientist in a lab experiment gone wrong and stare back in amazed horror.
OTHER people stare at the both of us because her little passage of Hurricane Butt Chowder couldn't have been LOUDER if she had used the P.A. system.
Time stood still.
The second hand on the clock behind us slammed to a dead stop, the box I dropped froze in mid-air from its bounce to the floor, and every eye within ear shot was focused on the gaming aisle.
"You are a frigging PIG." The hot chick with the trucker ass sneered at me as she looked at the other shoppers in disbelief before storming out of the aisle.
Immediately all of the stunned faces turned to looks of disgust as people shook their heads and went back to shopping leaving me still suspended in shocked silence. They muttered and shook their heads in contempt, and I knew in my hearts that I'd be forever labeled The Fart Guy.
Best Buy employees everywhere would mock me, and put up my picture as it was gleaned from security cameras and I would become an internet sensation. There would be YouTube videos and YTMND's set to fast paced midi's of me cracking ass in a crowded store and people everywhere would laugh and point. My hair started falling out in heavy clumps as the nuclear fallout crept down the aisle and engulfed me, but I didn't care.
It was too perfect a crime.
And as I die choking in the now condemned blast zone in the back of Best Buy, a single thought played through my mind...
From now on, I'm buying all of my games online. And maybe changing my name.
-Coyote
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# Cerdion Says:
September 17th, 2008 at 8:00 am
Taea, I think her recon was perfect. She found the right fall guy. He was alone, looked the part of someone who’d rip one like that, and was so stunned that he had no response to her accusations. Coy was set up!
__________
My thought precisely - the hot girl knew Coyote was there all along. She just had to reel him in close enough to make sure no one else would be able to tell which of them had floated the noisy air biscuit. After that it's a done deal; looking over, ANYONE would assume it was the thirty-something geek as opposed to the hot pale chick with big boobs. It probably wasn't even necessary for her to actually lay blame.
Hell, I know Coyote didn't do it but I'm STILL going to blame him over the awesome-looking girl. Frickin' pig.
S
Oh that's classic. No one would suspect the hottie would have been the culprit it would have to be the slightly creepy 30 something dude in baggy clothes. She couldn't have done it better even if she practiced it. But you could have said "I may be a pig, but I'm not the one who dropped the baked bean bomb over there." It probably wouldn't have helped but at least you could have tried to divert the blame that was just dropped on you.
Don't think I didn't see what you did there.
Hahahaha. So had she wandered back to the least populated part of the store, just to fart? Because that awesome. She had a plan, scouted the area, executed the fart mission... Granted, her recon was a little off, but all in all she sounds like a great LAN fest ally.
BTW, are you feeling better today?
Well, now we know why she was nervous. She was afraid she'd blow before she got the back blast area clear.
Heh, and now the torch of shame is passed to another. Thanks Coyote for making me once again have to clean coffee off of the perfect little halo of laughter it made on the desk
Taea, I think her recon was perfect. She found the right fall guy. He was alone, looked the part of someone who'd rip one like that, and was so stunned that he had no response to her accusations. Coy was set up!
See what staring gets you? It's also what you get for buying games at Best Buy. Also if you had just BOUGHT Spore last week like everyone else...
Taea Says:
September 17th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Don’t think I didn’t see what you did there.
*************************************
Oh I don't dear, I thought of you expressly and laughed inwardly.
*Hugs Taea*
And a bit better. I still have a hint of a fever and absolutely NO energy. I'm told "exhaustion" but ya know... I don't do anything to get exhausted. This is why I have no faith in modern medicine.
Give me my regular leechings and I'll be fit as a fiddle.
Does this count? Can I say sit?
Im gonna go for it.....
PWNED!!!!!
Brother, she couldn't have been the more perfect person for this.
Generally, hot chicks can get away with anything.
As it should be.
Perhaps it wasn't her. I ain't saying it was Coyote, and cooked up a story as eloquent as his arse did - but perhaps there could have been a second shooter. Concealed. Or on a grassy knoll. Or something.
Always thought there should be a quest in EQ2, "The grassy gnoll".
Anyway, that girl could be justified in thinking to levy blame upon Coyote. When really it was the one armed man flicking through the aged EQ1 expansions further up. At any further sightings, that girl could be feeling revulsion rather than the smug success of a plan that came together.
Just throwing the doubt in, for angst sake. ;)
I'm with Radar... this is your penance for not jetting around the galaxy with the rest of us. /nod
As for that chick... somebody get that gal an Oscar. My local Best Buy is apparently better tended than yours, but had I been in that corner of the store and witnessed that pure pwnage someone would have had to scoop my hysterically laughing self up off the floor. Whether it was you or the chick getting conned that was pure genius. XD
Wyrmy Says:
Always thought there should be a quest in EQ2, “The grassy gnollâ€.
****
Don't you mean "The Gassy Gnoll?"
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!
OK, I've only got as far as "But this was different. This was a hot gaming chick in the WILD. Unobserved on her own and extremely rare like watching sharks mate or a fat guy walk past a donut store without a chocolate glaze induced left turn.
And she didn’t see me." and already I'm thinking "this is going to end in a restraining order...". Again.
OK, reading on...
And right now there's an EQII mission designer running, ok, waddling, to their desk to craft that quest!
A kerra and a gassy gnoll. Yep.
Anyway, oh man Coy, you were SO owned! She not only handed you your ass on a plate but she did it with style, panache and a little ziiiing as her thong vibrated in the breeze.
Y'know, there's just the chance that that's her 'ohshit, I'm being stalked, better embarrass the old perv' gambit? It mus surely have happened to you before? A gentleman of your shopping habits...
My 2 comments:
1) What the hell was a woman dressed like that doing in a Best Buy? I don't care what your hotness factor is, who wears a "little black dress" to Best Buy?
B) I am so glad it was never ingrained in my head as a little girl that I wasn't allowed to fart. That way I don't have to be a and pull crap like that.
Sad but true fact.. Best Buy is my wife and I's date night...I wonder the whole store, TV's, Gaming section (both PC and console) the PC Section, the phones, the iPod's.. she wonders the appliances and the music. Heck, I go there so much that several of the guys there ask "Where you been?" When I haven't been there in more then 4 days.
And Morv, I will say this.. I have seen plenty of hot chicks in Best Buy.. dressed to the nines (what the hell does that mean anyway?) and dressed skampy (thats trampy and skeezy combined).. so they do go in there quite a bit.
As for the incident in question.. classic.. almost as classic a blunder as taking on a Sicilian when death is on the line.
Wow. That is *awesome*. And I agree with Morvy, I can appreciate a girl that farts and admits to it, it's kind of like a glorious horn saying "I'm real!"
Also, last time I went to Best Buy I couldn't find the PC games at all. It was kind of sad really. I didn't ask an associate because the store was about to close but I was interested to see what new games I'd missed and to see if they even carried EQ2 (I've seen one store that carried it and the game time cards, they stopped carrying them right after I started playing.)
Coyote, you totally blew it
You had the chance to say "Sorry, excuse me" thus taking the blame and making her think of you as her savior
Ah well, another missed opportunity...
huh huh huh
"standees"
hnurrr