Rock out with your Flock Out
Updated Mon, Nov 10, 2008 by Coyote
(Alternately Titled: How to make Radar say the F-Word)
I own Guitar hero for the PC.
And if I dare say it, I've gotten pretty good. I can play (not perfectly) every stage on hard mode and fully contend that "expert" mode just isn't any fun unless you're watching someone who claims to be an expert botch up the game play, blame the device, and throw a tantrum.
In short, I rock on medium.
Guitar Hero was a lot of fun, and because of its success the market was immediately flooded with other titles and projects along that vein: Rock Band, Rock Band II: The revenge, Guitar Hero Aerosmith, Guitar Hero Metallica, and Guitar Hero The Misfits in which no one actually plays any music, but Danzig comes into your house and scares the hell out of your Grandmother.
So now that the market is flooded and everyone and their brother is pissing off the real musicians by pretending to be one, I'm kind of sick of the genre and game. I'm burned out and unimpressed. Every "new" version plays like the last, the novelty is gone, and no matter how good you get at playing, you still can't REALLY play the guitar.
But then...I was saved.
Now I know what you are thinking:
"Why are lip moles called Beauty Marks when they just look like stray boogers and you spend your night wanting to flick your date's upper lip?"
I have no idea. I've never found them to be super attractive and never bought into the whole "Cindy Crawford is HOT" thing from my youth, because no matter how you slice it lip moles require a double take - but the TRASHY look is ALWAYS hot.
But I digress.
I digress because this column isn't about beauty marks or really hot naughty women who will do ANYTHING that you can think of because they have no self esteem and a low tolerance to White Zinfandel.
No.
THIS column is about the MIRACLE of ME being SAVED-ah from the PERILS OF BOREDOM-ah, and the entire genre of GUITAR HERO-ah, being RESURRECTED-ah, in a new LIGHT-ah.
Ladies, Gentlemen, and The Faithful - I bring you...
Guitar Praise.
Spot-lighted in Coyote Action News a few weeks ago, this thought-to-be-a-joke product has taken the market by storm for the last 40 days and 40 nights and is verified as 100% REAL.
Real WHOLESOME that is.
They've taken all of the elements of Guitar Hero and purified it for the devout, which more likely than not is going to lead to lawsuits because the game is just Guitar Hero with music that you'll get your ass kicked for. And while the differences may seem astounding, they're reeeeaally not.
Guitar Hero:
*Five button guitar with whammy bar.
*Suck and you get boo'd off of stage.
*Music from bands that you know and love.
*Hot outfits and tight fitting leather.
*Battle Satan for the right to rock.
Guitar Praise:
*Five button guitar with whammy bar of smiting.
*Suck and the band takes a break and gives you another chance.
*Music from bands that you've never heard of.
*Sweater Vests.
*Battle SatanBECAUSE you rock.
But it gets even better - in my earnest to purchase this product, I stumbled across another similar cleansed genre that you may have all forgotten. A genre that pitted fat white kids with no rhythm against arrows and their own gland problems. A genre that made your local arcade smell like an old ham sandwich.
Dance Dance Revolution.
Except NOW it is Dance Praise, and it is SWEEPING the nation..of like seven kids.
Dancing is wholesome clean fun, right? No Kevin Bacon, it is NOT, and if you'll remember from your teen movie training in the 80's, it is USUALLY FORBIDDEN unless you're limboing with the Lord. Well now you can without fear of burning for eternity because you shook your money maker.
Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care because you're overcome with righteousness and the holy spirit has enveloped you and is using your body as a vessel of faith but makes you look like you spontaneously developed a spinal condition or that you're trying to catch an invisible Frisbee.
A Frisbee of SALVATION.
Now don't get me wrong - I am in NO way mocking faith, spiritualism or religion. No, I'm mocking the fact that these things are trying to cash in on the video game craze in order to fill the pews. (Hehe..fill the pews.)
Trust me, I'd be mocking "Bounce with Buddah" or "Guitar Ghandi" or "Ninja Pagan" just as hard if these products existed. What I'm giggling at is the entire premise behind the gimmick and the fact the religion and spiritualism are so often confused or chalked up to being the same thing that products like this DO exist and have a *very* profitable market.
Of kids that get beat up regularly.
Because the FIRST time you pull out the crucifix studded plastic guitar at a LAN party and start trying to get the guys to jam out to the awe inspiring hits of "Seventh Day Slumber"? (Yeah, SEE?) You're going to make everyone else uncomfortable and get team killed all weekend.
Like religion and politics, religion and sex, or religion and religion of opposing faith, religion and video games just don't mix. Faith is a personal thing that belongs in your heart, in your strength, or on a blog on the internet written by a moronic pagan who started this whole thing because he REALLY wanted to type the words "Rock out with your flock out" and it spiraled from there.
Still, I'm going to beg and plead for this game from Ten Ton Hammer so that I can do a full and FAIR review so that I may mock it properly and without bias. If they buy this for me I vow here and now to play it all the way through on medium and give it a fair assessment.
And maybe, just maybe, I'll be enlightened.
After all, isn't that what video games are about?
...wait...no..
-Coyote
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Mrs. Coyote Says:
"And Radar, I really am sorry. He woke up giggling today, and I knew you were in for it. "
--------------------------------------------------
That and you let him wear his feathered undies to bed again
you forgot to mention Gears of War. That was a religious shooter that takes place in a church.
I wonder if folk at a Christian Rock gig make that metal sign, the devil horns, the !..! one. Always felt a rather trite sign to me, but as the saying goes, the devil does have the best music.
If TTH buys this for Coyote, I promise that I will make him play it every day. No homework, no outside, no phone calls. Just Guitar Praise every minute of every day, until he is properly saved-ah.
And Radar, I really am sorry. He woke up giggling today, and I knew you were in for it.
Tuesday is religion TUESDAY...Thursday is politics. We went over this!
That's alright Mrs C. Thank you very much for your promise, I'm taking up a collection now.
Hindsight note - I forgot about the "Hoskins is a sick bastard" factor.
Why do I picture Radar as some sort of Quaker now? Watching "Good Mormon, Vietnam" and eating plain oatmail for breakfast?
Oh yeah, I've met him, and it's because he does.
Sorry! falshbacks of South Park when Cartman is starting a Christian Rock band is flooding my head! Replace all references of love with God and/or Jesus. Too funny.
Gandhi was a political leader, not a religious leader. But I bet he did TOTALLY rock.
*strums power cord*
Wooooo! Gaaaaandhiii!
S
But does it have any "Faith + 1" songs on it?
I never got into/understood Guitar Hero or Rock Band. I doubt I'll change my mind because of the addition of Religion. BUT I would totally get into something that had me playing a real guitar. But who would make such a game? Oh, wait...
http://www.guitarrising.com/
Somehow Ida thought that dancing on a cross was wrong.
Still, I thought you nailed the column today Coy.
FYI... Contemporary Christian Music doesn't suck. The people that say that, have generally never really listened to it.
I understand that you take exception to it and mock it. I have no problems there. But just know that some of the most talented musicians I've ever heard have come from the CCM crowd.
Just because YOU'VE never heard of them, doesn't mean they aren't good.
I think making a guitar hero clone is a little silly... but I also thought guitar hero was a little silly.
/shrug
Hey, Darkmelvader,
This is all a matter of opinion, both your post and mine, I'll point that out right now.
But doesn't it stand to logic that if the majority of Christian/Evangelical music hasn't been heard of outside that demographic that the mainstream of people aren't interested in hearing it? That of course has nothing to do with the talent of the musicians involved - only that many people can't stomach hearing a reference to God or Jesus every half verse. If a person cannot stand to listen to a particular piece of music, then that music in their opinion sucks.
Now, if it is true that some of the most talented musicians haven't been heard of because they restrict themselves to Christian music, that's a sad thing that they're not willing to branch out and make music that we all can enjoy, don't you think?
Oh, but I have heard more than my fair share of Christian Rock, and I think it sucks. It's just my opinion, and I'm not going to make fun of anyone for listening to it. It's their right.
Just as it's my right to have Coyote mock it for me.
Well, I challenge both of you to check out Guardian, Bride and Tourniquet. They are all bands from the late 80's and most of the 90's. I've been out of the CCM scene for a while, so I do apologize that I don't have anything more recent.
By the way... there was a group in the 80s that "crossed over" you may have heard of them. A band called "Stryper". They were definately a "hair band" and they looked like chicks... but the music, lyrics and attitude of the band was solidly Christian.
Oh and thier music kicked ass on the secular charts.
"moronic pagan", eh?
do you want to sit in the Skyclad section, or regular?
darkmelvader Says:
September 18th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
By the way… there was a group in the 80s that “crossed over†you may have heard of them. A band called “Stryperâ€. They were definately a “hair band†and they looked like chicks… but the music, lyrics and attitude of the band was solidly Christian.
Oh and thier music kicked ass on the secular charts.
*******************************************************************************************************
Ok this is REAAAALLY late, but I have to respond because I was there for this cross over of unbelievably BAD proportions, and being a metal head from waaaaaaaaay back, I have to respond
Stryper SUCKED. To "Hell With The Devil" was nothing more than a bunch of Christians attempting to cash in on the Hair band movement of the mid to late '80. With an almost definitive attempt to take the look of Dokken at the time, these crusaders of holy metal lacked any lyrical or musical talent and were nothing short of another churned out pop metal band. Actually, the band itself had about as much musical talent as Vixen did, but didn't look NEARLY as good
*for those of you unaware, Vixen was a high profile HOT all girls hair metal band that had one hit and then died out. Making them actually WORSE than the well known and well made fun of band, Winger who sold his soul to someone to get 2 mid-range chart hits in the dying days of Hair Metal*
Christian themes and metal do NOT correspond to each other. One is about following a system, a doctrine, a dogma. The other is about fighting AGAINST the system, control, and basically anything that would tie you down. It's one of the reasons that Heavy Metal, Thrash metal, basically most types of metal were looked upon as bad music to be associated with. The lyrics speak of rising up against the oppressions of youth, of society, and ultimately of stupidity. They speak of issues that we deal with in every day life and how crappy they can be and how things don't always turn out for the best. Society doesn't LIKE IT when ideas are presented that become popular that are against mainstream thinking. Metal was made popular by outcasts who didn't care who they offended while Christianity is one of the biggest organized religions of all time, and as an organized religion, is offended by ideas and beliefs that differ from it's doctrine of faith just like most other organized religions out there.
When you looks at the origins of both and what it is they stand for, there can never be a true Christian metal band. Bride was horrible, Guardian was worse, and Tourniquet had the musical talent but they sounded more like they were just trying to fit in with the big boys and lacked the vocals to back up even their best songs. If you want a true test, put these bands up against the paragons of metal, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Metallica (pre-LOAD, before they sold out), Megadeth, and Anthrax. These are the bands that defined Speed metal what was and what now is. Hell, Slayer hasn't changed their sound at all and they're STILL the #1 speed metal band over 23 years later. Their sound is cleaner, heavier, and more refined than either of the four bands you mentioned.
Now mind you, I'm not knocking your choice to listen to those bands and enjoy them. To each their own. Just arguing your point is all.
Jesus Brok, get a blog!
*giggle*
Awwwwwwesome Brok!
We Are Not Worthy!!
And, secoding Madhog, get a blog! That was epic!