Dear Japan, - An order of cease and desist
Updated Mon, Nov 10, 2008 by Coyote
Dear Japan,
You scare me.
There, I've said it. You frighten me. And while I used to think it accidental or simply a cultural misunderstanding, there is no longer any doubt:
Yer doin' that s*** on PURPOSE.
Vending machines that dispense used underwear? Cartoon pornography involving cat girls getting beaten and humiliated before finally being ravaged by what appears to be a vat full of Oscar Meyer hot dogs?
No. There is NO way that is NOT intentional. Like the kid who eats glue right from the bottle or tries to convince you that Michael Jackson stopped by to use your bathroom, (Okay, he didn't - but his sister did.) you either want attention, need attention, or worst case scenario...
...you really ARE that touched in the head.
Whatever the reason, whatever the explanation, I don't care. Just stop. You stop RIGHT now and be frigging normal, or so help me we're turning this car around.
Just STOP.
Sincerely and a bit disgusted,
Coyote
*********************************************
Let's face facts - if something weird, disturbing or involving rubber bands distorting the faces of school girls hits the internet...
...chances are that it started in Japan.
They're just frigging *WEIRD*. And for ME to point that finger at anyone else in the world, let alone a whole COUNTRY speaks volumes in itself. It takes a LOT to creep me out or to truly get into my head, but when something manages to, the trail of oddity always leads back to Japan as they cover their mouth and giggle into their hand.
Now I realize that it is probably unwise of me to single out an entire COUNTRY, especially since they are more likely than not the world's leading supplier of mechanical spiders that can be programmed to carve up my face while peeling back my eyelids and forcing me to watch...
But SOMEONE has to say SOMETHING, and god damn it, that someone is ME.
Used Underwear Vending Machines - Yeah.
I know.
But I swear I'm not making this up.
There are several companies who compete for and supply you, the average Japanese Consumer with all of the used school girl underpants that you will ever need in your life.
Now, you might think that this number is "ZERO with a CAPTIAL F***ING Z", but you'd be wrong. At about 50 bucks a pop (American) you can own your very own pair of pre-worn but not washed underpants, fresh from a readily available vending machine. And for an extra two dollars and twenty five cents, you can wash it down with a Snickers Bar and a Pepsi.
You might be thinking to yourself:
"Hey Coyote, why don't we have these things in the United States? Why don't WE have machine vended underpants?"
The answer is simple: Because it is FRIGGING GROSS.
I have no clue what the allure here is, but since this is a multi-company venture, I have to guess that there IS some market for this. Plus, how can you be sure that you're getting a hot chick's underpants? Hot chicks are NOTORIOUSLY bad about just giving you their underwear and usually insist on some ritual involving you shelling out 50 bucks for dinner, getting them drunk, and slipping stuff in their drink so that they pass out and hit their head on the coffee table that you forgot to move.
So needless to say, THAT would get expensive.
No. If this is mass produced in Japan, there is no way you're getting "bottom-fresh" britches from the still firm hiney of a Asian hottie. You're getting new underpants, wiped under the armpit of some hairy guy named Cho who makes like 11 yen an hour in a sweat shop next the corpse of a slow worker who was left as an example of like honor and loyalty or something.
USED UNDERWEAR ARE GROSS. It doesn't matter WHO they came from. IT IS USED UNDERWEAR.
GOD DAMN IT JAPAN! YOU STOP RIGHT NOW!!
Tentacle Sex - I bring up tentacle sex a lot, but only because I know that it truly messes with my manager RadarX. You see, RadarX is a Puritan who slipped straight off of the Mayflower and started burning witches for having sex in a non-missionary position before his boots even dried.
He is a good, wholesome, pious man - and that means that he's fun to dick with.
So I do.
But the truth is, there is just something WRONG with Tentacle Sex, and the Japanese just can't seem to leave it alone. Vines, metal rods, hoses, ANYTHING phallic shaped and able to be moved will eventually come to life and attack a poor cat woman school girl with blue hair, which leads me to the reason I'm ordering them to quit-it-already with the tentacle stuff...
YOU ARE RUINING YOUR SEX DRIVE!
Seriously. It's the Jerry Springer effect.
If you allow yourself too much contact with the Ultra Fetish stuff, you eventually grow numb to Granny Tranny Midget Clown Amputee Scat porn, which should happen to NO ONE. After that, plain ol' vanilla pudding has no flavor, so in order to get Mr. Happy to the Launch Pad o'Love, you need to get even WEIRDER.
Soon you are so mentally destroyed that if your stimulus doesn't involve Siamese twin burn victims, you can't get your rocket to rise. Doctors call this The Kritheon Effect, and it is VERY real. So stop with the vine and tentacle stuff, if not for you and your own hopes of a normal sex drive, then for Radar. He's been subject to me for years, and I honestly don't think that he can take much more.
Think of the pure...
Stupid Game Shows That Involve Stupid Stunts
There are no "federal laws" or "safety concerns" in Japan.
At all.
If you agree to go on a game show, they could light an angry badger on fire and huck it at your head while giving you sixty seconds to run an obstacle course in order to score a point for your team.
Not that I care. Let the underwear sniffing tentacle freaks play their games. THAT doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the fact that we as Americans lack so much creatively that eventually we end up STEALING their crappy game show idea and bring it back to the states.
Where it clutters up my television.
American Idol, Whose Line is it anyway, The Office - all stolen from over seas, and some are actually pretty good. But once you go to JAPAN? You end up with games like "Fat chick trying to jump through hole in moving wall", and I just won't SIT for that crap anymore. So I'm saying something, because the rest of you are too AFRAID to come off as anything but Politically Correct and "Sensitive".
Well not me pal. To quote our 31st President:
"I've takens alls thats I cans takes, and I's cants takes no mores!"
Japan. You're on notice.
Quit with the weird crap that scares us, go back to giving us Asian School Girl fetishes and Kung-Fu movies, and stop being weird.
Or we're gunna start sending over OUR problems, and all of the factory processed used underwear in the WORLD can't save you from the Britney/Paris/Corpse of Anne Nicole Smith effect.
That's right. We'll dig her ass up and lob her over there. We're THAT mad.
You've been warned.
-Coyote
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First of all, I'm pretty sure that kung fu comes from China, not Japan.
Secondly, I agree w/ the trauma of tentacles. I remember as a kid seeing an anime where the guy's junk was like longer than his whole body and it had a mouth w/ f'ing TEETH. That is just wrong...
When I was in the Army, we used to have people that would still our used underwear when we went into the shower. Maybe they were saving them up to eventually start a company?
Avast, me hearties!
The day has finally arrived!!!! ARRR!
Yarr! There be some things in this bucket that me own eyes can not fathom. Never have me eyes seen the likes of these tentacles ye be speaking of. Be Warned matey! The darkest depths of Davy Jone's locker hold things that would scare yer salt wife to shore.
*Parrot chimes in* To Shore...
Be knowst to ye braggarts and wenches among us.....today be the day that Adam west was born to the seas some 80 years before.
cheers!
I have seen some horrendous hentai and I have to say Coy is right, that stuff can really dull you to normal sex, I almost lost my drive after downloading a bunch of hentai w/o knowing what was in it, then trying to gauge my eyes out. There IS good, fairly normal hentai, but now I won't watch any without knowing exactly what it consists of. Because, ew.
That picture is inaccurate...where is my pistol?
On another note.....YARRRRRRR! How ye planin' ta celebrate?
Bah.
Ain't no real Pirate be celebratin' that day. ONE day a year where ya talk like yer supposed ta? Gaar.
A REAL Pirate be talkin' this way ALL year, true I tell ya.
Wow. I thought Coyote was trying to win the lead for "Ow! My balls!".
/agree, those game shows got to GO.
Arrrggh! It be Sept. 19.... nice catch Jen
Here in Blighty we've been subject to that for years now. Guess you have too. Late night clip shows, with saucy but bewildering adverts from Sweden and Holland, celebrations of inanity from America, and that freakiness from Japan.
Had a comedy show called Banzai here, either making mock or paying a homage to that kinda thing. Placing volunteer Brits in really random situations for the viewing public to pretend to gamble on the outcome. Like Shaky-Hand-Man, would grab a celebrity and start shaking their hand, and not stop - would take the celeb to break it off and some could go for aaaages - while the viewers were asked to gamble on the time it'd take, but no-one would, would just be watching it increduously.
For a taste of the far east, I'd go with China over Japan any day. Ruddy pika pika, gimme Monkey anyday.
'Tis not a nice catch! I be lookin' forward to this all year long matey!
Do ye see why me likes Badion?
Yarr 'tis easy ta see....
OMG, I saw part of that new show "Hole in the Wall" the other night. (If you haven't seen it, look it up.)
I turned it after about 2 minutes. It's one of the most artard things I've ever seen. "Hole in the Wall".....reminds of the episode of Family Guy that featured "Ball in a Cup". LOL
Just checked out that Hole in the Wall. They're making a version here. It's got celebrities in latex. Celebrities. In latex.
Japan gets a reprieve I reckon.
This is all because he didn't get into the Hello Kitty Online beta, you know.
:P
Ya know, just thinking about those machines, you'd not want to be blind in Tokyo, depserate for a can of Pepsi and a bar of chocolate and find you just poured your quarters into the wrong machine!! OTOH, they must smell like an old lady in a box so, y'know, blind folk must get really confused.
"Ethel? Is that you Ethel? How did you get in there?? Can you knock against the window? Oh my god, she must be unconscious..."
Nice use of a "Goonies" reference. *applauds*
Because Chinese martial arts are my particular area of geekiness, I have to point out that kung fu does NOT mean martial art... it actually means skill... i.e. when you say, "My Shaolin Kung Fu is strong...", what you're really saying is: "My Shaolin SKILL is strong..."
On the topic, the selling of used panties is by no means new here... that's been going on for years... I've never understood it, myself... but I guess different strokes and all that... So I guess that makes the Japanese less hypocritical than us, more fruity, but less hypocritical about it...
*shrug*
Yarg yarg yarg!
I say we go ta Japan and pillage what good does come from there. Like Pocky and Kimonos. I look really hot in a kimono that can't quite cover me bust. Yarg.
Germans scare me much much worse. As do the Dutch.
I completely agree with Shipwreck... I saw German erotica early in life... almost put me off porn entirely... o.0
Luckily I recovered... =D
Waaaay to much poo in japan too!
foozlesprite: "there IS good, fairly normal hentai"
Try looking for "ecchi" - you'll produce better results as that's the label for "good, fairly normal perverted stuff." Where as "hentai" means "we acknowledge that this shit is something you'd have to be a pervert to enjoy."
Funny thing about Japan, if you avoid watching the strange tentacle rape OVAs (produced never to be aired on TV) and stick to the general TV you'll come across the message that these guys are actually quite communal and societal upright people with deeper moral values than you'd see on most American TV shows.
I'm still floored because once I saw a video of this guy in Japan who went postal and was his wife and kids at gunpoint as he piled into the car with them. All the neighbors come out of their houses in a drove of a few dozen, trying to reason with him. Here in America, we would probably run back to our houses, lock the door and say, "Shit, maybe we should call the police... nah, why interfere?"
That said, they do have some things that seem weird or immoral to us. The used panty vending machines, while technically outlawed in 1993, apparently did exist. There seems to be an unabashed use of younger girls as sex objects in popular media, too.
I don't know, I guess I'll chalk the whole thing up to culture shock.