Coyote for PRESIDENT!
Updated Mon, Nov 10, 2008 by Coyote
"So who are you voting for this year?"
Everyone wants to know my political views and stances. I get countless e-mails asking me if I'm a Democrat or Republican, if I think Obama is old enough, or if Palin is hot.
The truth is, I HATE politics.
I know nothing of them, find them boring, and I'm a bit of an anarchist in the fact that I think it is all for show and none of it REALLY matters, so it should be done away with. Scrap the system and start over, power to the people, and NO Palin is NOT hot - although I still totally want to see her cans.
But I digress.
The simple fact is: There is only ONE person I'd like to see as President. ONE person with that power, that devotion, and that finger inching closer to the dreaded "button".
Me.
Now before you laugh, hear me out. I have a five point plan that would improve on all of the areas of the Government that we have no faith in, and restore a sense of security to the people. Spending, Taxes, Religion, Human Rights, The Military - all of these things are covered, and instead of using education, intelligence, ability, and years of laws and rules...
...my plan involves COMMON sense.
1) Spending: The Department of My Mom
Mom is not an acronym for something clever that just happens to spell out the universal nickname for Mother. The Department of My Mom would literally be my mother approving all of the Government spending, as she would be in control of the assets. I estimate that this would cut all unnecessary government spending by 99.99%, and under her "Is your room clean?" conditional policy, bedrooms across America would be much more tidy.
Not that my mother is a tightwad.
Not at all.
It's just that growing up poor she had to budget and plan for every penny, so that when we DID have a little extra to go around you had to plead your case, explain the reason behind the spending, and maybe take out the trash.
Or at least promise to stop wiping spit on your little sister.
In order to GET money from the Department of My Mom, you'd have to sit down at a table with her and look her in the eye as you explained to her what it would be used for. I imagine it would go like this:
Government Agent: "Mrs. Coyote's Mom, we here in the Government would like to request $50,000 dollars to buy some more equipment."
My Mom: "What kind of equipment?"
Government Agent: "Um..you know. Like stuff so that we can uh...keep other stuff running."
My Mom: *checking the note she taped to the inside of the pantry door* "And what happened to the $50,000 dollars I gave you LAST week for equipment?"
Government Agent: "We bought a hammer."
My Mom: "ONE Hammer?"
Government Agent: "...uh....yeah. But it's a NICE one."
My Mom: "Request denied, but nice try. You don't think that I know how much a hammer costs? Now go clean your room and take out the trash on your way out, it's starting to smell - and DON'T YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME MISTER! Oooh, you're gunna GET IT!"
And then the Government Agent would have to go back to his friends all dejected and explain to them that he can't get the money so they're going to have to start a lemonade stand or something to raise the cash they wanted. Which they'd probably just tax the living shit out of, so luckily we move onto...
2) Taxes: Leave the smokers alone.
I don't smoke.
I don't like the smell of smoke, I've never TRIED smoking, and it holds absolutely no allure to me in the least. Yellow teeth, stained skin, and the urge to hit someone if you don't get your fix every hour just doesn't appeal to the inner me.
However...
We need to leave the smokers alone.
We tax the PISS out of smoking, and sooner or later they're all going to snap and kill us, or at least light a match off of our cheek in that tough-guy-action-movie kinda way, and I bet that HURTS. I don't even smoke and I know that cigarettes don't cost ten bucks a pack to make, but since no one LIKES smokers, it is just easier to pick on them because no one will stick up for them.
Because their teeth are yellow and they smell bad. But back to taxes.
When you say "Taxes" in this country, people sigh and open their wallets, but they never ask WHAT the tax money is going to. They just assume that the Government is fixing roads or buying guns, or using it to protect us. What they DON'T know is that 95% of your tax money goes to: Buying stuff that the Department of My Mom wouldn't approve.
They're all walking around with iPods and cell phones and wearing the newest athletic shoe that looks like it came out of a Doctor Seuss story about astronauts, but no one ever stops to ask about WHERE they got the money. And if you DO ask they hit you with a phonebook's worth of paperwork and documents that bores you silly before you even NOTICE that they spent $800,000 on "testing the flow rate of ketchup" so that some Senator's kid never has to work.
Taxes will be filtered through the Department of My Mom, and how much you pay will be reflected on a weekly posted chart taped to the Fridge with little deductions or increases depending on whether or not you cleaned your room, and yes she's going to check under the bed.
3) Religion: Separation of Church and State, and Church and Altar boys.
Separation of Church and State means that the Government should NOT be influenced by religion. Yet whenever we have an election, the candidates line RIGHT up to ensure you that they are the most religious people in the world so that you vote for them. People who say that want religion in schools and government, don't really MEAN that they want RELIGION in the schools and government - they mean that they want THEIR religion.
Yours can go to hell. It's probably all freaky anyway and involves bowing to the east or Gods with eight arms and stuff. That's not religion, that's praying to Spiderman when his mutation acted up.
No. They want THEIR religion, and because of that - they want their candidate to prove that they belief in the REAL god, and not some made-up god that they never heard of that out dates their particular belief by a good 6,000 years.
Well if I'm President, there will be NO discussion of religion in the White House. Sure - this will make jokes about Mutant Spiderman Gods difficult, but it is a necessary step to running this country correctly. You can't just put "Separation of church and state" on a piece of paper (It's like an amendment or bill, or like commandment or something. I forget which, but someone wrote it SOMEWHERE.) and then ignore it, or pretend that you didn't hear it when they read it over the P.A. system.
No religion in politics. None.
If you discuss it, or hint at it, or offer a nudge nudge, wink wink, to some other old white fat guys in suits and throw up your secret Jesus gang symbols, you are removed from your job until you right out "I will not forget about the separation of church and state" 500 times in CURSIVE.
4) Human Rights: The "I don't have a uterus" policy.
This one is simple.
We won't get into the topic, or what it is REALLY about - but the rule should be this:
Ahem.
"Unless you have one, you don't get to say what comes out of it."
And yes, it has to be yours, and no - no tucking it in because that's just WEIRD.
5) The Military: The Douchbag Amendment.
This world has always torn apart by war. In the last 100 years we've had The Gulf War, Vietnam, World War II, The Persian War, The Cold War, The War of 1812, and The 100 Year war - which perfectly illustrates my point.
We like to fight, and by "We" I mean, "Old guys in Government who get into it with OTHER old guys in Government and then send the young guys in to fight it out". This of course sucks because the people who STARTED the war never have to fight in it, the people who fight in it don't even know WHY they are really fighting and in the end all that we have are a bunch of dead people and two old guys who STILL don't get along.
So in order to END ALL WAR, I would implement a two part process that would guarantee that we'd only fight when absolutely necessary:
Condition One: They have to be a douchebag. In accordance to this position the current president (Myself) has to address the country and explain to them exactly WHY the guy we want to go to war with is a douchebag. The president must USE the term douchebag no less than 10 times in this address, and explain the situation in terms that all can understand without citing some old obscure law that he probably just made up because he knows you won't look it up.
Condition Two: The President has to start the war by punching the douchebag in the head.
That's right, if yer gunna start a war then you're going to get your hands dirty. If you want countless men, women, and children to be strapped down with C4 and sent screaming into battle like tiny little Toddler-nukes, then by god yer gunna get YOUR hands dirty. Of course this will ensure that we only go to war with countries who were picked last in gym class and pose no real threat, but it beats getting the snot kicked out of you by some bald Russian guy with a scar over one eye and no neck.
Wars won't be started over religion or oil or because people hate us, they'll only be started if some douchebag needs to have the living hell kicked out of him. Chances are that if you knock out some other country's leader with a right hook - you won't even HAVE to go to war.
Plus, that stuff is ALWAYS on live TV - so ya know, ratings.
In short, that 5 point plan (or as I like to call it: The Balled Up Fist of Freedom) would be the focal point of my bid for office and would make this world a better place.
...
...which is why I'll never be elected to office.
That, and because I would totally do the interns. Hard.
/tuckdance
-Coyote
((MONDAY PIRATE STUFF!! - Our hosting site has been acting up, but with luck the new Avast Ye is up for your browsing love. Go there or git keel hauled. And don't think for a minute we won't look up what that is.)
-
Zone Info, GuidesMon, Feb 13, 2012Halfshell
-
Basics, GuidesMon, Feb 13, 2012Ethec
-
Basics, FAQ, Misc Guides, GuidesSun, Feb 12, 2012Space Junkie
-
Features, OpinionsSun, Feb 12, 2012Saia
-
FeaturesMon, Feb 13, 2012Mem
-
Features, OpinionsMon, Feb 13, 2012Messiah
-
Basics, Class Info, Item Guides, Misc Guides, Zone Info, GuidesFri, Feb 10, 2012Space Junkie
-
Features, OpinionsFri, Feb 10, 2012Saia
-
NewsFri, Feb 10, 2012Martuk
-
NewsFri, Feb 10, 2012Martuk
Darammer Says:
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:49 am
# Coyote Sharptongue Says:
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:45 am
Dar brought fact into this conversation.
You ruined my new jacket…
Kill him A LOT.
———————————————
The above works REALLY well in the Cobra Commander voice…
********************************************************************
OR in Paul Reubens' voice as Amilyn from the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer where the quote originated.
Lord Whedon questions your faith Darammer.
I vote for Coyote except there will be no punching or fighting. Coyote, is your room clean?
I reckon the 'punching in the head to start a war' must be the best way to stop wars, like, ever.
C'mon, can you imagine some WHOM getting ona plane to Jibrovistan, taking a coach 300 miles out into the desert, hacking his way another 50 miles through dense jungle till he finds the hidden mountain fastness and Starbucks of JamJar Jabobalovolic the evil mad ruler of the Jibrovians.
Then, once he hacks the *nix sercurity portal that looks suspiciously like a Dell laptop glued to the wall and sees JamJar stood there with his body guards, and his bodyguards bodyguards and his bodyguards bodyguards mums...
yeah, he's going to need clean underwear and that return ticket home.
Unless of course you elect Chuck...
WHOM - white haired old man, already.
I am not John McCain, and I approve this message!
Sadly, Coyote labeled himself an anarchrist, and as I recently had to deal with said douchebags at the RNC I have decided to cast my vote for Coy's mom.
Now, go clean your room.
Hmm, a Coyote/Shipwreck ticket?
Who would be your on your cabinet? Secretary of State? Of Defense? Of the Interior? How about Homeland Security?
You're running against Riff?
This should be how politics work. back in the day, we would take a politician out to the wood shed and give 'em a good ole fashion whooping for the crap these morons do today. I WILL be writing in my vote for Coyote (or my lawyer) come November.
The feds will be all like, "Who the hell is this Coyote character and why does he have 1800 votes? Stick him on the list, we will check tomorrow."
"Separation of church and state" is NOT actually part of the Constitution, nor its amendments, nor the Bill of Rights. The phrase came from a letter from Thomas Jefferson to the Danbury Baptists who were worried about their religious rights; it reinforced the First Amendment ""Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
Dar brought fact into this conversation.
You ruined my new jacket...
Kill him A LOT.
# Coyote Sharptongue Says:
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:45 am
Dar brought fact into this conversation.
You ruined my new jacket…
Kill him A LOT.
---------------------------------------------
The above works REALLY well in the Cobra Commander voice...
Dar....I hate to do this...cause I luvz you and stuff...but..
*smacks Dar around*
*cries*
You made me do this!
I've also been always confused the the "seperation of church and state" issue. It never made any sense to me as it never seems to be adhered to. You go to court, but you have to swear on a Bible? What if your religion doesn't believe in the Bible? Very confusing stuff....
As for politicians.....if I remember my History Channel correctly, the ancient Greek senate had a very good policy for getting rid of crappy senators (I'm sure to get some of this wrong, so someone correct me if they know this better than me). I seem to remember they had a policy where-in a sort of "vote of confidence" could be enacted on a Senator if he was getting out of line. The whole country voted on whether or not he could stay. If he was voted out, he had to leave Greece for an entire year.
# Coyote Sharptongue Says:
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
OR in Paul Reubens’ voice as Amilyn from the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer where the quote originated.
Lord Whedon questions your faith Darammer.
------------------------------------------------------
You mean the same Lord Whedon who swore away that abomination?
I knew very well from whence it came, but chose to overlook it. 'Sides, I had a whole G.I. Joe thing going.
Yo Joe!
Oddly enough, my favorite Joe was Shipwreck......
Dar - wanna play G.I. Joe with me?!? I know some *fun* games....
Under a Coyote presidency, the following ls would be proposed/enacted:
1) Zombies are the number one enemy of the state; shoot to kill on sight. If in doubt, shoot 1st, check later;
2) Females are not allowed to wear more than 6 square inches of clothing if they rate anything over a 6;
3) Dwarf tossing is the national sport;
4) You must clean your $^%*&^% room- and take the trash out on your way or Coy's mom will beat you up.
BarmanVarn Says:
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 am
I’ve also been always confused the the “seperation of church and state†issue. It never made any sense to me as it never seems to be adhered to. You go to court, but you have to swear on a Bible? What if your religion doesn’t believe in the Bible? Very confusing stuff….
-------------------------------------
You don't have to, actually. You may swear an affirmation rather than an oath; legally, they have the same significance, but an affirmation has no religious implication.
Id vote for you!
# Shipwreck Says:
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:02 am
Yo Joe!
Oddly enough, my favorite Joe was Shipwreck……
----------------------------------
pfft... drunken sailor guy... Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow ftw!!
Snake Eyes and Stormshadow were bandwagon toons. Everybody liked them...
Coyote Sharptongue Says:
Dar brought fact into this conversation.
You ruined my new jacket…
Kill him A LOT.
-------------------------------------------------------
He's from Boston. He can't help it - all that American History and crap.
Common sense? In politics? HERESY!
I just have to say, G.I. Joe is NOT where I got this name stuck on me...
That is all.
Considering that I'd really like to keep Palin as my governor for a while (she kicks ass, and Big Oil ass at that), Coyote as President is actually a very attractive proposition. But *ONLY* if Coyote's Mom agrees to the role he outlined for her. See, if he punches some douchebag he gonna hear about it from his mom.
I think your mom might need a little help from other moms out there... there's a lot of peoples asking for money in the government.
Happy Equinox, Generalisimo.
S
Loolee Says:
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:09 am
Hmm, a Coyote/Shipwreck ticket?
Who would be your on your cabinet? Secretary of State? Of Defense? Of the Interior? How about Homeland Security?
---------------------
Secretary of Defence and Homeland Security? That's easy . . . Brok Smash!
Sandor Says:
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Happy Equinox, Generalisimo.
S
***************************************
HA! Thanks! I got a new tie!
You know I seem to recall someone suggesting this a few weeks ago... oh yeah, it was me!
But after reading this, I must say that aside from the first two points... I cannot support a Coyote presidency. Sry bro.
See, I am with Dar on this one.. cause this is perhaps the most misused peace of legislation out there. The Separation of Church and State has nothing to do with keeping religion out of government, but has to do with keeping government out of religion. People who spout off about it are usually attempting to belittle someone's beliefs or show provocation toward maligned intent.
Seriously, how do you expect to keep a persons religious beliefs, regardless of what they may be, out of their political views. By definition, a religious belief is a deep seated view point and as much a part of the person as any other belief. To believe that a person can just keep that out of anything is just plan silly.
So, just stop being so.. silly.
:P
(that's my job)
So...what does that mean then? That making laws advocating a specific religion is ok then because it isn't actually changing a religion or what?
Personally, I think it's less of an issue for people to involve their beliefs in stuff...but to use their denomination as the SOLE factor when it comes to voting shouldn't be allowed. Especially when it supposedly justifies (or blinds them to)everything else that is wrong with a canidate/president.
Actually, the Separation of Church and State is a two way street. It's both. Religion shouldn't mess with government, and government shouldn't mess with religion.
Lovelace, I absolutely agree that someone who votes for the 'Catholic' candidate solely on him (or her) being Catholic is about as asinine as voting for someone who is black or female or old because so are you. Or for that fact, voting for them because you think they can actually do anything at all. The reality of the presidency is nothing less then they set the agenda for what they would like to accomplish. What you really need to figure out is how much will they stick to their guns to accomplish it and what will be over looked or let slide in order to garner the votes in order to accomplish it.
I just submit to you my personal belief... Everyone is an idiot, until they prove otherwise.
pisbr and Lovelace bring up a good point in regards to how voting for a candidate based solely on religious affiliation is not the way to go about voting....
but allow me to take it a step further.....voting on a candidate based solely on political party affiliation is just as asinine. I believe the entrie party concept needs to be overhauled.
so now we all have to agree on how we shall spell coyote's name on the ballet?
Me im spelling it Coyote Sharptongue
I don't normally comment, nor do I even like politics. Like you, I 'hate' it and would rather see myself in power than some 'douchbag' screwing things up.
And I laughed. :) Kudos on this. Hell, I'd vote for you and I'm not even American!
So, it's a choice between you and Riff
Tuff choice
I choose... ME!
Muhahahaha
Sounds really good, I'd vote for ya.. Well, if I was American and you would be running, but then, I'd vote for ya ;)
Seriously, that policy sounds better than 99% of what all politicians have to say