Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Warhammer Online breaks its realms into two factions:

Destruction and Order.

Each side has its strengths and weaknesses so that the war is extremely balanced and fair, unless you are Order because you are out-numbered about a billion to one. Face it, no one wants to be a goodie goodie when it is THIS much fun being bad.

Today we'll go over the races of Destruction, and explain to you your choices so that you can join the forces of strength and power, (I won't say evil. They're just misunderstood.) and help crush the weak willed bunny huggers over on the Order side. Starting with:

Green Skins

Every army needs grunts, and since Orcs and Goblins only communicate THROUGH grunts and the occasional thought provoking ass scratch, they're the logical choice for cannon fodder. Meat shields, the first line of defense, and the highest death rate in any war, you'd think that the Green Skins would wise up and strive for a better position.

That's what you get for thinking.

Orcs and Goblins (Who are admittedly a bit smarter, but give up their size for their brain power) don't think. They do. They love their role and view being lobbed into battle ahead of the other troops as a mark of honor. Thinking, reasoning and planning are reserved for people with things like education, wisdom, and long life expectancies. Life is too short to be wasted on thought so if you play an Orc there are only two solutions to ANY problem, no matter how complex.

Solution A) Hit it with a rock.

Solution B) Hit it with a rock again.

There is no problem that a Green Skin faces that cannot be solved by following either solution A or solution A THEN solution B a whole bunch of times with a stomp thrown in for luck. They are huge, brainless, child-like brutes - so needless to say...

I love them.

Your average Greenie is a giant eight year old with a severe learning disability and parents that were possibly siblings. They're hyperactive, quick to act, and put absolutely no thought into their actions past the here and now. They love their very short lives and most importantly of all, they love the fights that they get hurled into...

...quite literally.

Why let the rocks have all the fun right? FIRE!

Who plays the Green Skins?

There are two types of people that the Greenies appeal to, and because of this Orcs and Goblins are the most popular yet the most hate race in the game.

Type One - The guy who just wants to have fun.

I fall into this category and chose Orc because it offers the most enjoyment in role play and player interaction. Anything you do can be excused because you're a big dumb brute. You don't have to worry about "skill" or "tactics" because you just run into battle and smash anything that moves until it stops moving. You're not expected to be bright, or cunning, or anything but a wall of stupid that everyone else hides behind.

Orcs are instant fun, just add stupid.

Type Two - Diabetes.

...sorry.

Ahem.

Type Two - The 1337 pwning d00d from Warcraft W00T!!11!1one!1!

And hence the hate for the race. It seems that if you are an easily excitable 14 year old white kid named Trevor who wears his hat askew and makes his friends call him "money", ORC is the only class you are allowed to play.

The race is known for its poor spelling, and horrible communication skills - and so are Green skins, (HA! See what I did there?) so it seems like the logical choice. Full of d00ds and people who get REALLY bent out of shape that you are role playing but not on a role play designated server, other Greenies annoy me to the point where I may turn against my people out of sheer hatred for their stupidity. When you are so stoopid that you make a GREEN SKIN mad, it's time to hang up the MMOG and go back to school.

Important tip from your Uncle coyote.

Chaos

At first glance, Chaos looks pretty much human. But then you look again and notice that chick's eyes. You've SEEN those eyes before. Those eyes are familiar.

Those eyes belong to a crazy bitch.

And that's exactly what Chaos is. Chaos characters are men and women who have become tainted and infected with the powers of Chaos. This taint gives them super human strength, stamina, and as you progress...

...reaaaaally twisted mutations.

We're talking sword arms and tentacle fingers, Radar's worst nightmare. The longer you remain an agent of Chaos, the more likely you are to suddenly sprout a horn for no reason and the less likely you are to remain calm and reasonable in any given situation. Chaos men are the no-necked roid freaks that start bar fights because someone's shadow bumped into theirs.

Chaos women will cut off your penis.

Seriously.

Check out that chick's eyes. I think we dated once.

Who Plays Chaos:

People who are into anime porn or bondage films that involve doing things with clothes pins that you don't want to see done with clothes pins, ever. You just wear your clothes sopping wet and die a little inside whenever you see an old photo of laundry hanging on a clothes line.

...okay...

....I have a Chaos Marauder.

Don't you dare judge me.

Dark Elves

Dark Elf chicks are hot.

They sultry and sexy and naughty and you know for a fact that they'd bring one of their friends into the sack so that you can have a little pointy ear sammich of love. Dark Elf men look like Dark Elf woman, and if your chick wants to bring her friend into the sack for a round of leather and whips, make sure you keep the lights on...

...because it very well might be THIS guy. Not that you'd really be able to tell or after a few drinks, care.

Like their name implies, Dark Elves have fallen from grace and allowed the forces of Darkness to pull them further away from their cousin the High Elf - which is just good for everyone. High Elves are snobs and prudes and almost NEVER let you get past second base.

And that's only after months of teasing.

Noted for their intelligence, cunning, and ability to wear almost nothing into battle but not end up looking like a billboard for band-aid research, Dark Elves are the brains behind Destruction. They may seem to play second fiddle to a Chaos War Lord, or the right hand to any battle general - but the truth is that Dark Elves pull all of the strings, and we let them because they show lots of skin.

Who plays a Dark Elf?

Guys.

Period.

Half naked hot slutty chick running around in a scarf with her boobs and ass just hanging out as she kicks ass ala Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or better yet, wrestles around with OTHER chicks?

What is NOT to love?

In fact if you start a Witch Elf you'll log into the starting zone and notice right off the bat the lag. Not because the game itself is lagging, but because of the sheer number of half naked chicks standing around emoting to each other instead of playing the game. Yawning, stretching, jiggling - if you look on ANY server at ANY given time, there is not a single Witch Elf character past level 2, and the few that GOT to level two did it by accident.

Either that or they cybered a Dev for XP.

Either way, Dark Elf chicks are hot. And don't bother playing a male, no one cares or knows. You all wear dresses, the dudes are only a little bit less "hot" and curvy than the chicks, and to be honest - once you slap 'em in a dress or robe as a mage, there is only ONE thing that gives them away as male.

They're not as masculine or as toughas the female elves.

HA!

I did it again! You see that?

-Coyote