Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Good and Evil.

Darkness and Light.

The vanilla and chocolate sides to a half moon cookie...

Even in the pitch black of evil, the light of good always shines through - no matter HOW cliché or annoying it is. Some people just won't acknowledge their own nature and instead opt for the goodie-goodie side of things, just in case there IS an after life in which they have to pay for their actions.

Wusses.

Like the forces of Destruction, these tree hugging bunny kissers who follow Order get three choices of race to choose from, should they go the sweater vest and clean finger nails route.

Dwarves

The women don't have beards.

I just thought I would point this out, because as I played around with the character creator I realized that I couldn't give the chick a big ol' set of Gramma Whiskers and thought immediately of Brasse.Or more directly, thought of Brasse's poor computer being hurled into the streets and stomped on in a drunken rage. Instead of the normally bearded look, they instead opted for "Fat German Strudel Maker" with bad accents right out of a Mel Brooks movie.

Still, they got the men right.

These aren't your normal dwarves toiling away in the mines and shacking up with some pale chick who chokes on apples. These are gun touting, pierced and tattooed beer drinkers who slug you in the nuts first and ask questions later.

Surly, tough, and able to make gun sentries and gadgets, Dwarves are mean little bastards and the sworn enemy of the Green Skins. (Who call them stunties. Hehe. Stunty.)

Who plays a Dwarf?

Brasse for one, and honestly that might be an unfair advantage to the race on it's own.

As for other people, Dwarf is the logical choice for a player who wants to play on the side of "good" but doesn't want to go with the other two lame-ass choices. Humans are boring, creating a High Elf immediately signs you up for PETA, and Dwarves are crude brawlers who get drunk all of the time.

It isn't exactly a HARD choice.

They might look like goofy extras from a fat camp production of the Wizard of Oz, but you get a group of these heavily armored speed bumps waddling towards you and you're in for a world of trouble.

They're like R2D2 on steroids. And drunk. And smelling vaguely like ham.

The Empire

Empire is a polite way of saying "Human" without looking like a politically incorrect asshole. And while I could go into the background, strengths and weakness of the race and the fact that all of the casters look like the Heat Miser from that creepy claymation Christmas special...

...I won't.

We all know about the human race and without even looking up any lore I can tell you that it is always the same. Good humans, bad humans, strife and betrayal, perseverance and overcoming flaws, cuppa tea cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea.

Humans are humans, and as we all know they are the Vanilla Ice-cream of the world of Baskin Robins. Instead we will focus on the one surprising aspect of Warhammer humans and how it affects game play: namely, boobs.

Seriously - look at the cherries on THAT sundae. Holy HELL.

She either has a fused spine or the back strength of a redwood tree to lug those puppies around. What's with the defiance of gravity? Has she suddenly been thrust into space? Is it even possible to GET into a sword fight with those things playing bongos with your chin?

Answer: WHO CARES?

They make me happy and that is all that matters.

That and the guys REALLY make me want to do the Heat Miser dance.

Who plays a human?

More people than you'd expect.

Warhammer online must have sensed that we'd be jaded over the plain-janeness of humans in online games, so they gave them some REALLY cool classes.

Witch Hunters who dress like Puritans and cleanse the earth of heathens, pagans, and people who don't believe that hippies can glide across ponds like they're wearing heelies; Magic users with flaming beards and massive "bed head" ; Some other class that I can't be bothered to look up because I'm still singing the heat miser song...

Humans have a LOT to offer the game and are a nice twist to a usually plain class.

Plus, ya know.

Big boobs.

High Elves

GELFLING!

Keep it away! KEEP IT AWAY! GELFLING!!

...

...hehe..

Sorry.

Ahem.

High Elves are the long lived and wise caretakers to the world. They stand tall and regal, they observe the passage of time, and their women look like freaky bug people. They don't so much as "mate", but rather they "lay spiny eggs in your throat" so that a fresh young baby High Elf can rip through your rib cage and hiss at your friends. Right before staring at them disapprovingly and thrusting their tiny little baby noses in the air.

The snooty librarians of any gaming world, High Elves are exactly as you'd expect them to be: Pricks. They blame all of the world's problems on everyone else, sniff disdainfully at all of the "lesser" races and go back to sewing pointy white hats for their next meeting on "Ethnic Cleansing". They are purest vegan tree hugging hippies of the worst kind - and they have an army.

Goose-stepping to the beat of their own little drummer, the most infuriating thing about the High Elves is the fact that they're REALLY good in battle. They're quicker, braver and more trained than most and when they get it into their mind that you need to be fought...

...the rebel flags and gun rack filled pickup trucks come tear assing out of every forest that you thought was empty with their horns blaring like the General Lee.

Who plays a High Elf?

I have no clue.

Despite the fact that they are intelligent, amazing in combat, and prone to wearing robes and wiggling fingers - I can't imagine playing a High Elf. They're just too hoity-toity and holier than thou. It's kind of like when you and your friends all get together for a Facts of Life LARP...

...no one EVER wants to be Blaire.

Sure she was perceived as "hot" but everyone knew she was a stuck up bitch and that Jo was probably the only one who even put out. Her or Tootie, who just HAD to be a freak in the sack - if you could get past the baked bean and chili fetish that earned her that nickname.

Still, they have some merit. Surprisingly powerful in combat, quick and lithe - High Elves shouldn't be over looked, just watched. Closely. Especially if they start talking about "Oktoberfest" and driving Volkswagens, IF you get my drift.

So there you have the races of Warhammer Online, and the sides of Order and Destruction that they fight for. The game itself is still alluring and I'm finding more and more aspects of it that appeal to me past the initial hype of a new game.

I'll reserve judgment for another week or so and instead focus on the mechanics of the game. I'll take the good, take the bad, take them all and then I'll have...

...

....a rating and no life.

Kill me. Please.

-Coyote

(Please note. I NEVER ONCE PARTICIPATED IN A FACTS OF LIFE LARP! That was a typo, and I refuse to be Natalie, who was basically their version of Porkins.)