Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

It's...it's time.

Hello! Eet's mee, Mahree-oh!

I frigging HATE Mario.

And what's more - I hate that the little plumber crack showing hobbit is EVERYWHERE, and it doesn't seem like he'll be going away any time soon. So what's with the Mario hate? Truth be told, I wasn't always sick of his Magnum P.I. mustache having ass. In fact...

I used to like him.

I was a huge Mario fan and played the living HELL out Super Mario Bros. To this day I wonder how many hours of my youth I wasted playing it and blame it completely for the fact that I didn't kiss a girl until I was 26. Mario was everywhere and you couldn't look away. He invaded your cartoons, your breakfast cereals, and graced the cover of every Nintendo Power Magazine that you stole from your cousin because his mom bought him EVERYTHING and he didn't even read them.

Mario was the MAN....twenty years ago.

Now he's justdamn annoying. Somehow he's gotten shorter, has a high pitched cartoon voice that is just dipped in a bad parody of a stereotypical "Italian immigrant" accent, and graces over five HUNDRED THOUSAND Nintendo games. No matter where you look you see him, his retarded brother Luigi, or those freaky "how the HELL did THEY catch on" evil versions of them driving little carts or stomping on turtles.

Now I know what you are thinking:

"Wait, Amy Winehouse used to be HOT?"

I know, right?!? What the HELL happened to her?! She was GORGEOUS, but now she looks like something Keith Richards coughs up in the morning after a hard night slamming mojitos made out of diesel fuel and coca leaves. I NEVER knew that she was once hot, and kinda feel bad for pointing out that she looks like she's spent the night sleeping inside a gutted homeless man ala Luke and the Tauntaun. I bet she smells like the floor of a cab, like RIGHT after it rains and people are tracking in mud.

But I digress.

I am frigging sick of Mario, and while I know that he is the "Flagship" character for Nintendo, it is time to give him a break and let him retire so that he can relax and spend the bulk of his working fortune on gold chains and wax for his IROC-Z. This also applies to all of the other main licensed characters for games that we no longer care about.

That's right, I'm looking at YOU Sonic the frigging hedgehog.

Guess what? Sonic SUCKED. No one likes him, no one likes the "evil" sonic, or his retarded nephew with the tail. Sure, we played the HELL out of the games, but not because they were GOOD - but because that was all we HAD and we were BORED. Any kid out there will tell you that when you're bored, playing even the LAMEST of video games beats playing absolutely no video games at all. But we never meant for Sonic to get POPULAR.

It was a chick game.

We would have MUCH rather been beating people to death with bats in Double Dragon, or using the Konami code to get 30 guys in Contra. But we had already beaten those games, were kinda sick of them, and no matter how cool Ninja Gaiden is - those twin rock gargoyle statue things kinda creeped us out.

Sonic sucks and Mario has been WAY overdone and shoved down our throats, so both of them need to take a page out of Pac-Man's book and just GO AWAY.

You remember Pac-Man right? Of course you do, and even though he tried the same crap with cereal and spin off games and crap-tastic cartoons, you still love him - because HE GOT THE PICTURE. He realized that his time was done and it was time to just hornk down the last cherry, say goodbye to the ghosts and GO AWAY FOREVER.

Hint hint Mario. Hint friggity HINT.

And take all of your newly extended family with you. Wario, the evil Mario, Waluigi, the evil Luigi, and all of the other "Cousin Oliver" types you keep adding to extend your shelf life.

...unless there is an evil Princess Peach.

Her, we keep. Because she's probably into leather and stuff...and you know.

Raawwr.

-Coyote