Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

That's right, Coyote Action News is back and bringing you gaming news that hits harder than your man when the dinner is cold.

Unabashed. Unbiased. Unbelievably abashed AND biased, let the knowledge flow.

PS2 Full of Drugs Looks Suspicious

Three men stand accused of drug smuggling after police discovered 3400 ecstasy pills hidden in a PlayStation II being delivered to their home in Australia. Ecstasy, or "E" as it is called by glow stick sucking 17 year old girls named "Traci", is a popular club drug that heightens a user's senses to the point where they actually LIKE techno music.

Police discovered the drug smuggling operation when an alert mail carrier noticed that no one has EVER bought a Playstation II, and immediately contacted the police.

"I didn't know it was drugs, but I knew SOMETHING was up..." says local Australian mail carrier Donk Dundee. "...I mean, a Playstation II? Do they even MAKE these anymore? Why not order a shiny new Colecovision?" He laughed before punching the news reporter in the face and crushing a Foster's can on his forehead.

Following the tip, local law enforcement waited until the package was signed for before moving in and making arrests. Unfortunately, all three men were released only minutes later due to a loophole in Australian law.

"It seems that we don't actually HAVE laws..." The police officer in charge was later reported to comment. "...this whole frigging place is like something out of Mad Max. Screw this, I'm going to get a beer." He muttered moments before everyone on scene was devoured by crocs.

Tabula Rasa Pimped from Space

Civilian game creator Richard Garriott was launched into space this week, where he delivered a coded message that was later found to be an advertisement for the space based MMORPG "Tabula Rasa". This was Garriott's last transmission as moments later the vessel he was traveling in changed orbit slightly as it was destroyed by a photon torpedo blast by an invading alien warship.

Angered by the sheer horribleness of Tabula Rasa, a Gornagian War Fleet that had been previously duped into installing the game descended upon Garriott's tiny space craft and blasted it from the skies. It then beamed aboard all debris and kicked the living shit out of the tiny little frozen-yet-charred-by-space pieces of Garriott's corpse.

Earth's new Overlord and Merciless Ruler, Tuklock The Mighty had this to say:

"People of Earth, I bring you freedom and liberation from this evil dictator who enslaved you with such a CRAPPY game."

He then sucked the eyeballs out of the camera man and two sound guys before throwing a handful of brain slugs into the crowd. All hail Tuklock The Mighty.

New York Police Unions HATE Saints Row II

Saints Row is a popular "Grand Theft Auto" type of game that allows the player to commit an untold number of virtual crimes against society, including the police. Players can shoot, kick, beat, and even tazer in-game law enforcement with seemingly no penalties or repercussions. Needless to say, this has the New York Police Union up in arms:

"We DEMAND that this game be pulled from shelves and stores and even HOMES..." Says a local union member. "...and put BACK in our Police Academies where it BELONGS." He added angrily before tazering, kicking, and tear-gassing random passersby.

The controversy stems from the pending lawsuit against Saints Row II for Copyright and Basis Infringement. It seems that the New York State Police have held the patent on senseless violence and claim that the game is nothing more than a copy of their S.O.P training software.

"If people KNOW what we do, they'll expect it. Then they'll lose that surprised look that they get right before the mace hits'em right in the peepers. If we don't have THAT look, then...then..why are we even on the force?" The Union Rep added before sighing sadly and macing the camera man.

Modders Try To Go Legit, Get Stopped By THE MAN

Two enterprising young entrepreneurs in San Jose California tried bringing their "illegal modification and piracy" to the next level by advertising directly on the popular website "Craig's list", which is usually only used to buy hookers and weed.

The tech-savvy pair offered over 500 games, instructions on how to install them, and while-you-wait service for the low price of 80 dollars, undercutting several local competitors. Billing themselves as the "THE ONLY TRUE FIRST PSP MODDERS ON CRAIGSLIST", they were quickly arrested and probably beaten severely by the angry New York State Police Union mentioned above.

"Dude, what the F***? We were gunna pay like taxes and everything. Don't taze me bro!" one of the two business men was said to explain moments before being tazered violently. When asked for the reason behind this bust, officials reportedly offered this angry response to all would-be modders:

"STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS YOU GOD DAMN RETARDS! WE WARNED YOU! WE F***ING WARNED YOU!"

Moments later the reporting official himself was tazered in what is now being billed as a "brilliant stroke of irony", akin to both rain on your wedding day AND good advice that you just didn't take.

EA'S DRM Only Upsets Pirates and Dumbasses

EA has been picked on unfairly by gamers across the world for its policing of the hit game SPORE with its anti-piracy DRM. Spore was met with gaming media backlash and attacked both in print, and an "anti-rating" protest on Amazon games for what the public felt was an unfair policing of offline software. But according to EA CEO John Riccitiello, there were only two types of people who had a problem with EA'S DRM:

"I'm guessing that half of them were pirates, and the other half were people caught up in something that they didn't understand. If I'd had a chance to have a conversation with them, they'd have gotten it... " he actually said, no seriously, we're not joking, in the link that you can follow. THAT is what he said.

Really.

Two halves making a whole, this blanket statement divides those who disagree with the DRM into two camps:

Camp A) Pirates who should be arrested and then tazered and beaten as in the examples listed above.

Camp B) Dumbasses who blindly follow the Pirates and like get them beer and stuff.

Which goes to prove, that if your not playing Spore - you're either a criminal or a retard who probably shouldn't be near electronic equipment anyway.

This has been yet another exciting edition of Coyote Action News, Good Day...and as always...

...good boobies.

-Coyote