Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

When I purchased the Wii, I bought it for two reasons:

1) My kids needed a new console system. They had an original Xbox and an original Playstation, and since we were having a hard time finding games for either, and they were old enough to have a "real" system, I decided to surprise them. While I know that the Wii isn't a "hard core" gaming system, it IS the perfect system for kids.

C)The Force Unleashed.

Okay, so the second reason was totally for me - I admit that. I loved the thought of wiggling the controller in special ways in order to activate force powers, and maybe even swinging the Wii-mote like a light saber. I imagined that billions of microscopic bacteria known as midichlorians were running through my body, imbuing me with "The Force" and giving me testicle cancer or some other debilitating disease because they turned the mystical energy of the Jedi into a case of Captain Trips.

But I digress.

So I picked up the game in hopes of doing a review and getting a tax write off, when I noticed that there was an ATTACHMENT that you could buy to go along with your new game. An attachment that turned your normal controller into....

...yeah. Jealous much?

The light saber attachment for the Wii-mote is completely optional, and not recommended for your average player. It is heavy in comparison the normal controller, harder to hold as you will repeated and accidently press buttons, and it slows down your saber attacks noticeably. However:

If you get the red one, it is incredibly cool looking and lights up your living room in a realistic shade of Sith Red.

Needless to say, I bought it.

Sure it is bulky and cumbersome and slows your attacks, but I found the RED one. Out of the dozens of other light sabers available, I found the ONLY red saber. It was meant to be, and who am *I* to defy fate? Besides, now I'm not just swinging a stupid Wii-controller and looking like a dork - I'm swinging a glowing red lightsaber Wii-controller and looking like a dork.

You *have* to appreciate the difference.

I raced home like a seasoned Pod Racer and brandished my new weapon of choice for the Missus to see, my excitement at finding a RED one lost on her as she labeled me "Dork Vader" and went back to the depths of her book "Divorce made E-Z" or whatever she's reading this week. Sliding the coffee table across the living room and ignoring the eye rolls and sarcastic comments of my wife who decided that she'd rather read in the bedroom than witness the awesomeness of a Sith in training, I was all but transformed. No longer was I a 34 year old geek with a plastic sword...

I was a Sith Lord in training and nothing could stop me.

Wookies, Storm Troopers and Robots alike fell victim to my force choke, or found themselves air born with a wave of my hand. Even other, less worthy Sith Lords were no match for my glowing plastic wand of death.

Darth Phobos? Sith Lord of Fear?

More like Darth LAME-os. Sith Lord of GETTING HER ASS KICKED!

I was cutting a path of destruction and leaving a trail of bodies as I came face-to-face with the rogue Sith Lord. She taunted as she ran at me, but I was ready for her.

SLICE! I was in the zone!

POW! Debris flew around us in a maelstrom of power!

BLAM! Our sabers LOCKED as she deflected a blow!

"What in the hell was THAT?"

...

Uh oh.

While Darth Phobos had successfully parried my attack, a number of the ceramic light houses and carousel horses that line the shelf on the entertainment center had not.

You see, aside from looking really cool and lighting up that aforementioned "realistic Sith Red", the Wii-Saber also extends out a good two feet. Two feet that I hadn't accounted for when performing a really impressive parry, parry, thrust, thrust combo. Two feet that I didn't add to my calculations when I stepped in with a vicious chop...

...two feet that summoned the end boss of end bosses.

Darth Cranky.

"Did I just hear a f***ing CRASH?" A rapidly approaching voice asked angrily as my heart leapt into my chest.

I tried frantically to recall my Jedi Training as I kicked a few decapitated horse heads under the sofa with the skill of a professional soccer player. But it was too late, and as she entered the room I felt my airways constricted as I clawed feebly at my neck.

"WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?!" She yelled as she TOTALLY let her anger get the best of her and pull her even further into the Dark Side. I was going to point out that getting mad was only going to lead to her destruction in the end...

...but her nostrils were flaring. So I let it slide.

Regaining some composure and hiding the still glowing plastic sword behind my back, I tried to look casual and feign surprise as I looked around the room as if to help her find the culprit for this dastardly deed.

But she wasn't buying it.

Snatching up a neatly severed horsey head, she held it up for my inspection, her eyes red with rage and (although it COULD have been my imagination, but I totally doubt it) crackling with electricity. I controlled my breathing and tilted my head slightly as if it were the first time I had noticed the now lifeless eyes of "Mr. Sparkles" and allowed a slight shrug.

"Darth Coyote cannot be held responsible for the casualties of war. The Dark Side has given me power beyond your understanding." I said with the air of someone who wasn't about to pee himself.

I know. I know. But if yer gunna go out, go out BIG I always say. Right?

"Well the DARK SIDE better have given Darth Coyote some Darth Superglue or I'm gunna stick my DARTH foot up his DARTH ASS." She answered, totally misusing the genre's terminology. Girls are stupid like that. I was going to point out that superglue can't earn the Sith title of "Darth", but again, the nostrils, so I ran off to get the superglue.

Not because I was scared of her, but because I wanted to.

The Force Unleashed is a good game, and for the Wii it does an impressive job of incorporating the Wii's designs into game play. You twist and push to force throw, swipe and thrust to fight with your saber, and the A.I. does an impressive job of making your life hell as you try to figure out all of the movements and combos. But be warned my friends of the power of the Dark Side...

...it will corrupt, it will control.....

...and it'll get your Wii Lightsaber taken away until you promise to be more careful and replace everything you broke, leaving you with the stupid plain-old regular controller.

And hate. So much hate.

-Coyote

((MONDAY PIMPINGS!! The new Avast Ye is up! Check them out or we'll keel haul you. ....we can get a keel. Seriously. Don't push us.))