Updated Mon, Nov 10, 2008 by Coyote
Believe it or not, but some people don't like the "F" word.

It upsets them, annoys them, and offends them to the core. Which means that they can never play online video games.
Ever.
No Ventrilo or Teamspeak, no games that now support full voice chat upon loading like EverQuest II, and absolutely NO Xbox live. These places are a breeding ground for the dreaded F-bomb, and where ever you mix video games with strangers, you are going to hear it.
Loudly.
That ONE F***ing word, f***ing it up for everyone.
Now, I know what you are thinking:
"Whatever happened to Chunk from the Goonies? I bet he'sstill ahuge tub of man-goo."
Well, he became a lawyer and a politician and won an election based off of a (NO lie) "Chunk for President" platform where he did the truffle shuffle for audiences everywhere to make them laugh. Since then he's slimmed down and will probably punch you right in the mouth if you say "Bay-bee ROOF?" in the Sloth voice to him. Ex-fat kids are usually dicks like that. But that's neither here nor there. The point is...
...if you hate the F-word, or swearing in general, then polish your hat buckles and spit out that Wuther's original, because have I got news for you:
Microsoft just got a patent for Real Time audio censoring.
The software uses a new technology that allows near-instant voice pattern recognition and can block out the offending word the moment it leaves your lips. Instead of the gasp inspiring "F-word", other listeners can opt in to hear a beep, static, nothing, or even a replacement sound. Which I find funnier than f***, especially if you can control what the replacement sound is, because nothing takes the venom out of a rage filled rant like a cow moo or a kitten meowing.
While this software does have its merits, (come on, we've all heard THAT kid on Xbox live) it just goes one step further in proving my theory that the world has become an easily offend bunch of f***ing p*****s. Sure it can make the internet or online games a bit more kid friendly, but let's face it - your kid probably shouldn't be left unsupervised online with strangers ANYWAY.

You let the box babysit and little Tommy is going to learn all sorts of new and interesting words. And if your child IS the hate, racism, or vulgarity spewing 12 year old who trash talks like a truck driving sailor online, where in the hell are YOU? Your kid is SCREAMING things into a microphone that I usually have to pay $2.99 a minute to hear loud enough to make my ears pop and you can't hear him?
Don't get me wrong, I have a f***ing potty mouth. (No, really. Seriously. I ask that suspend disbelief for just a moment and follow me on this.) But when I was 12 years old, I thought I was getting away with MURDER when I said the word "damn".
I felt BAD ASS.
A rebel. A tough guy. A 76 pound wall of MUSCLE ready to take on the world.

But there was no way in HELL that you could get me to say the F dash, dash, DASH word. Back then that was just suicide. I watched the neighbor kid say it once to prove how tough he was, but he failed to see his mother around the corner taking out the trash...
...they *NEVER* found his head.
And the cops wouldn't do a damn thing. Child protection? HA! Oh sure, they might show up and look disapprovingly at the Mother - but the moment they found out that the kid said the F-word? The were kicking his decapitated corpse for good measure.
And THEN they took his Colecovision away. For like a MONTH.
But now we don't have to worry about that, right? Microsoft is making it all better with a magical piece of software that can instantly curb our tongue when we can't or won't. It can block offending words from a conversation and make everyone more comfortable, right?
Wrong.
Like the terminator robots of the future, this software was intended for good - but no one is stopping to think of all of the BAD that can come from this. Namely:
Voice over IP phone services.
Sure, call me paranoid and tell me that I'm worried over nothing, but the thought of someone using software to force me to watch my mouth scares the S*** out of me. Think of all the wasted calls to sex hotlines. Think of all the late night booty calls that are avoided because every other word is a beep.
Dear God. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
No child should be brought up in a world where they don't have to fear their mother making good with "The bar of soap" thread ala A Christmas Story.

Still, there are those among us who see this software package as a blessing - a reprieve from ill manners and decaying social skills. With this software we don't have to worry about being offended, or fret about the 12 year old with the 34 year old mouth dropping F-bombs without remorse. It is out of our hands now, and we're relieved of the responsibility. Instead of taking the time to teach people HOW to interact, we can just ignore them if they don't.
Ahhh the magic of the internet. The biggest F*** you of all.
-Coyote
Is that like the Frozen Lands of Nador?
What an offensive utility. Swearing IS big and it IS clever. It's a valuable part of language. A tool of communication.
And what a waste of time. We'll all be saying frak, feth, frell, or whatever other alternative we're getting fed on the sci-fi channel this season.
I'd rather a utility that corrects the colonial spelling into English from whatever imitation that Noah Webster cooked up, believing his fellows would be too daft to learn it properly.
What a stupid idea Microf soft came up with! You realize the processing power required to check streaming to see if it has someone saying ?
Next thing you know they will be censoring any about Micro soft!
ROFL- I am serious- I had used mooOOO! instead of f*** 19 times in previous response, and Vista censored it when I posted. My pc pwn3d me...
So your anti-solution to MS doing something, is, erm, to basically do nothing?
Cmon seriously now, its all well and good to say *but their parents should take responsibility for their kids and teach them how to interact with other people* but that isnt going to happen. You know that, I know that, we all know that. Yet this is a good solution to either having a choice of trying to ignore these morons or not play something you would otherwise enjoy.
Oh and while we're on the whole parents being responsible for what their kids do....
How does your mum feel about what you get up to?
*crickets*
Hmmm??
*watches tumbleweed go past*
Yes, the old *its the parents fault!* doesnt quite do it when you think about what YOU have done does it mister? Now stfu and go clean yer room. Oh and fix the Wii related breakages too!
****ing **** I'd break that ****ing bit of **** in a ****ing hour.
I'm a Glaswegian, ffs. Swearing is what we ****ing do.
(Heh, up here it passes for sweet talk)
My "mum" reads this column daily, so ask her yerself.
You should be MORE worried about what she thinks about you, picking on her poor defenseless boy, rather than what she thinks about me you Limey Bully.
I'd have a battle of wits with you but my mum taught me its bad to pick on the unarmed!
I never got the spelling words like F***, everyone KNOWS what yer typing, it doesnt make it LESS offensive (if indeed you are offended by words like that, in which case you can f**k off!).
Ah yes Alma, swearing is considered foreplay up there aint it?
Scottish f****r.
So now we get to listen to all the new slang that will arise as a result of the kiddies trying to bypass the voip nanny? They can insert random characters in chat to bypass filters... wonder what they'll do with this... cuss in other languages?
almagill Says:
October 21st, 2008 at 8:56 am
****ing **** I’d break that ****ing bit of **** in a ****ing hour.
I’m a Glaswegian, ffs. Swearing is what we ****ing do.
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Where is Glaswegia? I never heard of it. :-D
And they can take my F-word from me when they pry it from my cold, dead mouth.
Its in the far northern, icey reaches of the kingdom of England. Its part of a small, insignificant area north of Hadrians Wall where we store our oil and throw red haired babies.
Oh fuuuuuuudge. More smut filters? Hehehe Colecovision....
I don't see what you are so worried about. The NSA already "selectively" checks your email and taps phone call. As many times as you've used the word terrorist I'm surprised you have private conversations.
Worse Shippy, much much worse. There are more red haired people allergic to the sun in Scotland. Less genes too.
Plus, the guys wear skirts. With no underwear. Luckily the cold sorts out any potential for offending anyone.
What the f**k?
See, now I'm glad that Mr Morvy has gotten himself employed at Microsoft. When the Evil Empire takes over and enslaves all humans, I'll at least have a higher ranking in the hierarchy than all of you as a Microsoft wife.
Will this software be optional ........ like Windows?
I could care less about language used in game. What I really hate is the crap that pops up in general chat any time you enter a major city in WoW. Geez.
Madhog,
Madhog,
I have nothing but pride, admiration and respect for my son.
I suspect you are really a nice person. I think you just like to see what kind of reaction you can stir up with some of your comments.
I do have to wonder though, after reading some of the comments you make, How does your mum feel about what you get up to?
Luckily, I don't think his mum reads this blog Momma C. I think his mum is probably more like the witches he speaks of in his house.
# Momma coyote Says:
October 21st, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I suspect you are really a nice person. I think you just like to see what kind of reaction you can stir up with some of your comments.
__________
I think Madhog sees his role here as that of "well-liked antagonist". Sometimes being half right is the best one can do.
S
Aye, skirts, wi' nae underwear.
It's nae wunder we swear a' the time.
OOH that stuff chaffes...
Now, tell me about the Morris Dancing, Madhog... ;)
Once you get your bells on your ankles and your little frou frou handkerchief back from the pawn...
Nuts too late to reply to this properly!
Yes Id imagine you ARE proud of Coy, much like the mothers who will no doubt be proud of their potty mouth little f**kers, which thank you, was exactly my point.
My mum could out swear anyone here. 5 foot 1 of anger she is, and she was a landlady for a long time. NOONE started trouble in my mothers pub I can tell you!