Warhammer Online at Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMOG Gamers to the Next Level!

Wrapping up the last two races of Warhammer Online, we bring you the truly epic battle of good versus evil, man versus...man..ish, Empire versus CHAOS! 

Or as I fondly refer to them: Boring ass humans versus cool ass humans. 

You see, in the 31 flavors of the fantasy world humans are always pretty much the "plain vanilla without sprinkles". You know what you're getting, and if you're REALLY into vanilla, then you're happy to get it. You don't have to worry about being too short, or too tall, too hairy, or too "prancy in the pantsy" - you can walk that middle road without being judged and no one will even raise an eyebrow at your passing. 

But unlike most games, Warhammer Online offers a fun little twist to vanilla that just might change the flavor the tiniest bit. Like a single sprinkle on a desolate mount of white. 

Empire Vs. Chaos 

The Empire - Comprised of everything that is decent and holy within man, the Empire just makes you want to punch them in the pie hole and pull their sweater vests up over their head. 

And they probably wouldn't even get mad. 

They'd just turn the other cheek and accept you for who you were while offering you cookies or a free play down at the local Bingo Hall. The Empire is broken down into four key classes that you can choose from, all of which remind you of Ned Flanders. 

Bright Wizard - If the Heat Miser from those creepy ass nightmare inspiring claymation "Rudolph" cartoons had a kid with David Copperfield, he'd be a Bright Wizard. Flamboyant hairstyles, fiery auras and clothing that reflects the very essence of the elements that the Bright Wizard controls, they are truly, and without a doubt *fabulous* flamers. 

...wait...that sounds.. 

No..no. On second thought, we'll allow it. 

A Bright Wizard is a mage second to none in power and raw damage. A distance class, the Bright Wizard has one obvious flaw despite his unmatched intellect and awe inspiring talent. 

He dresses like a signal flare. 

When you can barely stand the heat of your own flames without needing to respawn, the last thing you should do is dress like you raided the clothing rack at Elton John's garage sale. Easy to spot in a crowd, the Bright Wizard might be a damage dealing force to fear, but one or two good chops to his oversized sparkly glasses and he goes down like....something we're not going to make an analogy for because of the aforementioned "flamer" comment. 

Bright Wizards burn hot and they burn deadly, but if you manage to crack one in the head with your axe, they burn out - fast. 

Warrior Priest - Nothing says "believe in the peace and mercy of our lord" like getting smashed in the kisser with a big frickin' hammer. 

If THAT doesn't wake people up during Sunday sermons, NOTHING will. 

The Warrior Priests of Sigmar are the Empire's version of a healer class, even if they don't seem to know it. These prayer swinging retards have no fear of stepping into battle, often sticking their foot so far up the enemy's ass that the water on their knee baptizes them in the name of Sigmar. 

Which is what HE would have wanted in the first place. 

Able to both heal AND deal damage, Warrior Priests should be approached with caution. Otherwise you find yourself being forcefully converted or at least pestered to take a pamphlet, which you pretend to read but toss in the trash immediately 

Witch Hunter - Hats with buckles on them. 

Do we REALLY need to say anything else? 

Like the Bright Wizard, these pilgrim looking bastards are another form of distance melee for the Empire - but UNLIKE the Bright Wizard, they are anything but flamboyant. He doesn't have time for fancy dresses or flaming auras. The Witch Hunter is focused on one thing and one thing only... 

...shooting people in the face in the name of Sigmar. 

Like the inquisition of old, Witch Hunters don't question orders. They don't try to decipher meanings, inflections, or possible interpretations of scripture. They follow it blindly, coldly, and to the letter. Woe be it to any man or woman who goes against the grain, because if you are judged as wicked by the Witch Hunter, there is only one penance that you can pay... 

....and it usually involves being shot, as we mentioned, in the face. 

They are completely driven by a love for god, a burning desire to see the wicked pay for their sins, and the need to shoot anything that disagrees with them. The Witch Hunter is only a rebel flag and a few snake dances away from being exiled to Alabama. 

Where they would fit right in, buckled hat and all. 

Knight of the Blazing Sun - Don't let the name fool - this isn't the happy smiling cartoon sun from the Raisin Bran box, and the Knights of the Blazing Sun aren't interested in giving you two scoops of a well balanced breakfast. 

Unless part of that breakfast includes a mouthful of fist. 

Then they kind of are. 

Your tanking class for the Empire is the Knight of the Blazing Sun. He not only takes a pounding better than a Bright Wizard in the back room of a shady dance club, but he bolsters and strengthens his allies in battle and makes them stronger in battle. A daunting opponent to fight, there is no single strategy for taking down this mountain of God fearing steel as they are constantly altering and shifting their strategies. Your best bet is to hit them hard and hit them fast, or at least get them to remember painful memories of their days as Altar boys of Sigmar... 

...their hesitation and tears of repressed shame will give you time to kick them in the squirrelies. 

Chaos vs. Empire 

Chaos - The evil to the Empire's good, you almost hope that Chaos would be badass. Like the leather wearing tough guys who ride motorcycles and flaunt their tattoos and piercings outside of bars kind of bad. Bad not by deed or design, but out of rebellion, and the fact that NO ONE should ever wear a sweater vest. 

Instead you get four classes chock full of Charlie Manson inspired insanity dipped in a sugar glaze of fanaticism that is rarely found outside of a Scientology lawsuit. 

Chosen - By accepting the Dark Gifts of Chaos the Chosen have gained size, durability, and strength, which makes this tank class a formidable opponent. Unfortunately, most of that size, durability, and strength comes in the form of cancerous tumors that make it REALLY hard to pee. 

Chaos is all about the catch-22. 

These behemoths of Chaos seek the favor of Tzeentch, the God of Misspelled Names, and in order to stay in his favor they must constantly kill, maim, or injure their enemies in battle. Which they seem to be okay with, since they're all decked out in spiked armor and combat gear ANYWAY. 

Making up the armored walls of the War Machine that is Chaos, the Chosen are unrelenting in battle as they do not surrender or flee, fighting to the death in the name of their badly misspelled God. 

Magus - These magi are as twisted and as unpredictable as the magic that they wield. They are dangerous, deadly, and each and everyone of them has been assigned to Slytherian by the Sorting Hat. 

Voldemort was TOTALLY a Magus. 

The Magus are obsessed with magic and spend every waking moment in study or in practice. A distance DPS class, they are as wild and unpredictable as the Bright Wizard, but they can't be bothered to put on tassels or rainbow pins - the magic comes first. 

The magic is life, and in understanding this the Magus is able to summon that life in the form of daemonic fiends that do his bidding. Clever and intelligent beyond compare, the Magus carefully studies each and every scenario and summons his minions in order to accommodate the situation. 

From the Blue horror which spews out waves of energy, to the Pink Horror which is badly named and probably dating the Bright Wizard, to the Flamer.....which.... 

....yeah. 

The Magus REALLY needs to rename his pets. 

The Zealot - Imagine if you will the Warrior Priest of Sigmar. Dedicated, devoted, and awash in a glow of faith that comes from serving his God. 

Now imagine that same Priest, but out of his GOD DAMN MIND. 

Say hello to the Zealot. 

A healer (of sorts), the Zealot is the stalker ex-girl friend of the Raven God who refuses to admit that they broke up and have agreed to start seeing other people. Instead the Zealot sinks further and further into delusion and insanity until she makes everyone around her really uncomfortable. 

Able to buff up their comrades, the Zealot plays an important role in the group - until you make the mistake of sleeping with her. Then it's late night sobbing phone calls and dead rabbits ala Fatal Attraction. The best way to deal with a Zealot is to hit them fast, as like all other bathrobe wearing classes, they have like six hit points. 

Once she's down, slap her with a restraining order and change your phone number. It's the only true defense. 

The Marauder - And lastly we're brought to the Marauder, a close combat melee class of Chaos - but with a fun little twist: 

They can turn their arms into tentacles straight out of a weird Japanese anime porn. 

Twisted by the forces of Chaos that flow within them, the Marauder is able to warp their limbs into weapons of terrible destruction. Tentacles, claws, hooks, and other forms give this fighter another attack in combat, and a weapon that can't be disarmed - unless you literally disarm them. 

Then you still have to deal with the ick hands. 

A kin to that one weird kid who would pick up poo and then chase everyone around with his poo fingers while threatening to touch you, no one wants to fight a Chaos Marauder. Because they're just frigging gross. And besides, you realllllly don't want to know where that tentacle has been. 

Or why that Bright Wizard is smiling. 

-Coyote