STOP..with the CRAPPY FRIGGING CANDY..
Updated Wed, Dec 03, 2008 by Coyote
Halloween is upon us once again...
...and once again I find myself ready to skim my 15% "Daddy's Fee" off of the top of my kid's loot bag.
It is the only way that I get candy.
I'm too big and too old to trick or treat, I feel horrible begging for candy from strangers, and if I can get a modest amount of sweet treats by strong arming my children - then why in the hell would *I* do the real work?
I am the candy pimp.
The PROBLEM with being the candy pimp however is that some of you are STILL giving crappy candy, even after my many articles on what candy sucks and what not to give on Halloween. So here we are once again, less than 4 days from candy fest, with me adding even more crap to the list.
Add this to last year's and the year before, and MAYBE you won't find your house TP'd and flaming poo'd this Halloween.
Uncle Coyote's Additions to Candy that will get your ass kicked
Bit O'Honey
Let us start by mentioning actual candy.
Not that you can call Bit O'Honey actual candy. It is like chewing on almost-set cement paste, but without the flavor. And if you actually do manage to hornk one of these little death sticks down, they stay stuck in your teeth for YEARS to come.
Which is why they call them "Bit O'Honey".
"Dude..what the F*** is stuck in your teeth? Have you been chewing through mouthfuls of sawdust? Jesus CHRIST, floss once in a while you frigging dental nightmare."
Of course we start with "Bit O'Honey" because it is the least offensive thing found on this list, and whenever I get to bagging on this ass-tastic candy someone inevitably sticks up for it. I like to call these people "old". They remember Bit O'Honey from like the 50's when the only candy you could get was made with chewing tobacco and scraps of paper from shredded women's rights pamphlets. Because it does have a bit of sugar to it, kids flocked to it and formed a fond childhood memory.
Which is just a frigging lie, because if they were to eat one now they'd hate it. They'd pull the little lifeless blob of yuck out of their mouth, look at it in confusion as reality fights with memory, and then they'd examine it closely to see if they did indeed remove the wax paper that surrounds it.
You did. That nastiness you taste is called THE TRUTH.
Bit O'Honey is a Bit O'Nasty.
Three pieces of candy corn wrapped in cellophane
Oh you cheap son of a bitch.
A huge bag of Candy Corn costs what? 99 cents at the pharmacy? You then proceed to open it, finger up all the candy with your old people hands and wrap like three of them in a piece of saran wrap?
Wow, thanks for the Christmas Bonus Ebenezer - I'll be sure not to eat it all at once.
I'll savor each and every piece because there is NOTHING I like more than eating Candy Corn that has been handled by some old dude who smells like a used nicotine patch who probably hasn't washed his hands since the Truman administration. No, no, I'm sure your hygiene skills are impeccable, and the fact that you coughed up both lungs and a kidney in a glob of slime covered STILL PULSING organs on the way to the door doesn't bother me in the least.
Oh what's this? A fuzzy twist tie to close it? How festive! How cute! Wait..oh..nevermind, it is just a clump of frigging cat hair from one of your nine thousand felines that give your house that pleasant "I live ina bottle of ammonia" scent.
I have a gift for you, to reward you for your generosity on this most joyous of days! And as soon as I pull up my pants and ignite the bag, it's all yours you miserly old bastard.
McDonalds certificate for small fries
Now don't get me wrong - I like me some McDonalds French Fries. But there is a time and place for such gifts, and Halloween isn't one of them. Kids want instant gratification when they open up their sack of loot - not I.O.U.'s. And besides, going to McDonalds for SMALL fries is like going to a crack house and asking to sniff the pipe.
It is a tease and nothing more.
No one wants SMALL fries. You get like what, four in a bag? And they aren't even the GOOD fries, all tall and lean and hot and tasty. They're the retarded little fry nubs that usually end up in the bottom of a REAL fry container - which you don't get because you got the SMALL fries. Instead you get that "Wax paper hat" bag that is about as shallow as a shot glass and holds maybe nine of the smallest, most miserable looking French fries that you've ever seen.
Getting a small bag of fries is like buying a puppy and only getting it's feet.
Don't be mean to puppies.
Raisins
Dried grapes. Yay. I'm bursting with excitement.
Who the HELL gives raisins on Halloween? Are you TRYING to get your house T.P'd? Do you WANT a shopping bag full of flaming poo like the old dude with the Candy Corn earns? Raisins, unless covered in chocolate and turned magically into a "raisinet" ARE GROSS. I mean look at them.
If there was a dead windowsill fly in there, how would you even begin to tell? Raisins have a natural defense mechanism that makes them look like dead flies, and anything that looks like it might throw up on your food, or take a long and happy rest on a pile of poo.
Not food.
If I want raisins, I'll get a box of Raisin Bran, or maybe an oatmeal raisin cookie - but I simply refuse to sit down and dig into a box of bunny turds and happily munch away. If you give a box of raisins on a day dedicated to candy and sexy slut costumes you should be shot in the face.
And then forced to eat raisins off of a dusty windowsill, just so you see my point.
Too many thingshave poothat look like raisins. I just don't trust them, and more importantly, I don't trust YOU.
A candy cane taped to a Christian flyer.
Okay.
I'm HAPPY you found Jesus. I really REALLY am. True faith is a rare and amazing thing, and if you have it you are a very lucky and honestly blessed person. You have achieved something that few people have and have an understanding of yourself that is impossible to describe.
But keep YOUR frigging bible out of MY frigging candy.
It TAINTS it.
Halloween isn't about Jesus and faith and loving thy neighbor - it is about gorging yourself on candy, grossing out your friends and telling flashlight faced stories about hitchhikers with hook hands. I'm respectful enough not to show up at your church wearing my devil costume and swinging a red plastic pitchfork, so you return the god damn favor by keeping your plus-sign adorning hippy out of my candy bag.
Oh. And GUESS WHAT? Candy Canes are for Christmas - and since the stores won't put out Christmas candy for another couple of weeks, that means you are giving me YEAR OLD CANDY CANES. The kind that don't snap, but kinda bend and get stuck in your teeth.
Kinda wrecks your little message about treats with Jesus doesn't it? What are you telling the kids? That if you find faith you get crappy candy? Tape one of those king sized Hershey Bars or some Reese's BIG CUPS to that stupid little flyer and MAYBE you'll add a couple kids to your flock.
Instead of having me go through the neighborhood and finding every devil and pregnant nun clad costumer and having them show up en masse to your house to sing Halloween carols. (Namely: War Pigs by Black Sabbath)
I shouldn't have to warn you bastards, especially after years of saying the similar. You should have learned by now and you should know what is expected of you.
Do the right thing. Give good candy.
Or else.
Seriously.
Or else.
-Coyote
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Ok, I haven't even finished reading yet......but Bit O'Honey is one of my all time faves. Poo Poo on you Coy.
Hmmm Hi again! I like bit'o'honey too. It's the one candy that lasts a long time and by the time you get done eating one your jaws are so tired that you don't want another. =P
JONAS BROTHERS MUST FRICKIN DIE!
Brok, 2 things may happend to your spawn(children)
A. they implode due to the music being so different
Dom95. they love & embrace the music!
You started out soooo well with the candy canes but just couldn't quite finish the race.
Bit o' Honey is nasty and always has been. For 1950's candy I prefer cinnamon discs and peppermints. Pennies, apples, mini toosie rolls... I'm not sure what I'm giving to people at my house. I ate all the give away candy over the last week and a half.
Candy? for the kids? Screw the little bastages! This candy is MINE! Hubby and I sit at home in the dark, watching bad movies on the SciFi channel (are there any other kind on SciFi?).
Ahahaha. When I first started reading this, the first thing that came to mind were those damn McDonald's gift certificates. Lame lame lame! No one if going there to just get a bag of fries. If you go, you're buying the meal deal or Happy Meal that includes the fries, and you can't use your Halloween paper to help pay for that.
But, sigh, I do kinda like Bit o Honey. But then, I like a lot of the Japanese candy too.
Candy? What is this sugary treat you speak of?
OH! Something else to add to the list are those fake sugar free diabetic candies. You know, the crap my grandmother tried to foist on us when we visited her?
First time caller, long time listener... Got pulled in from the WoW boards
Anyhow, you've found an untapped market here, and you need to fill it: Halloween Carols
Slap together 8 or 9 songs, throw em on a CD and you'll have profit faster than an underpants gnome.
The only question is what other 8 songs do you add?
Number of the Beast from Maiden is a given, but you could end up making an entire collection, or a series! (Think NOW music, but cool). I want to see this list! And frankly, I'd buy the CD's too...
I think Halloween night would be a good night for Coy to do another foreign candy review. Since Mrs. Coy would appreciate not having her taste buds scarred again, perhaps you could have the kids that come to your house try the candy right there on the spot. Their comments would make for a create candy review article. Just a suggestion.
Oh yeah, and for blasting my fave candy..."Get off my lawn!"
My most hated "treats" given out are:
1) religious pamphlets - (and you should be grateful you got a candy cane!) The people in my neighborhood just give you the pamphlet by itself and if you didn't escape quickly, a lecture of how Halloween was "invented to blaspheme the church..."
2) toothpaste or floss
D) a lame toy that is not even as good as you'd get from a gumball machine for a quarter
red) those stupid coupon booklets that you know they got free from somewhere and they were for stuff like "$5 off a brake job" and other stuff that is basically useless to a 10-yr old
frog) that "candy" that is made out of wax - like the wax lips, the wax bottles things w/ like a drop of liquid in the middle, etc...
12) a pencil (gee...thanks, a pencil and it's not even sharpened so I can't even use it until I find a sharpener somewhere...)
blue) fruit (this is the day of candy, not the day of good healthy dietary choices!!)
and finally, those ones who have the super-duper small little candy bars that are smaller than bite-size and they give you ONE!! Dude, anything that small you should at least get a couple (preferably a handful)
Chick Publications has a new comic out for the halloween season you know!
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1047/1047_01.asp?wpc=1047_01.asp&wpp=a
I'm a huge fan of how uninformed and deliberately ignorant these really are.
"Number of the Beast from Maiden is a given, but you could end up making an entire collection, or a series! (Think NOW music, but cool). I want to see this list! And frankly, I’d buy the CD’s too… "
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Yeah, I also had to laugh my ass off at the thought of a bunch of lttle kids singing "Generals gatherrrr in their massesssss....", but also was suprised at how insightful Coyote was for once in the 45 years he's been doing this blog. I would add to that list:
Hell's Bells by AC/DC - Mainly because the thought of some 6 year old belting this out seems kinda cool in that "Hey, that was kind of a cute commercial" kind of way
Disciple by Slayer - Sung Choir style because you can't deny that the constant repeat of the lyrics "GOD HATES US ALLLLLL!" sung by a Childrens choir is kind of funny.
New Faith by Slayer - If done right, this song would scare the bejeezus out of adult. The shock value of little Gage from Pet Semetary singing "I keep the bible in a pool of blood so that none of its lies can affect meeeeee" is priceless.
Corrosion of Conformity - Clean My Wounds
Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath, Wizard
Dio - Last in Line (mainly cause I loved the video as a kid and its hellish overtones)
Anything by the Jonas Bros. These guys are the perfect agents of Satan. The girls love them and force fathers to go to their concerts for obscene amounts of cash and then they subliminally convert you to evil through their music. When played backwards their songs speak of the evilest of things and tell you to kill your parents and go live with them in the Manson house.
his is why my daughter will be attending Lamb of God with me on Dec.19th. That right there is a wholesome band, I mean look at the name! Hopefully, this will cure her of the Jonas corruption that plagues her soul.
Black Sabbath Nerd Trivia: War Pigs was originally called Walpurgis, and had lyrics even _more_ fitting as a Halloween carol:
Witches gather at black masses
Bodies burning in red ashes
On the hill the church in ruin
Is the scene of evil doings
It's a place for all bad sinners
Watch them eating dead rats' innards
I guess it's the same whereever you may go
Oh Lord yeah
Carry banners which denounce the lord
See me rocking in my grave
See them anoint my head with dead rat's blood
See them stick the stake through me
Oh
Don't hold me back cause I've just gotta go
They've got a hold of my soul now
Lords got my brain instinct with blood obscene
Look in my eyes I'm there enough
Yeah
On the scene a priest appears
Sinners falling at his knees
Satan sends out funeral pyre
Casts the priest into the fire
It's the place for all bad sinners
Watch them eating dead rats' innards
I guess it's the same whereever you may go
Oh lord yeah
Fitting - even though Walpurgisnacht is actually the last night in April. The record label decided it was too satanic, and made them rewrite the lyrics. A demo tape with this lyrics managed to survive though, and got released on some compilation. Ozzman Cometh I think.
Something about the last line of the blog just doesn't seem that intimidating anymore.. especially after Mrs C. outed him on her blog.
We got all Chocolate at my house this year. Hopefully most of the kids in my neighborhood are too old for trick or treating now...
Quick tip for those hoping to horde their candy: "Accidentally" replace your porch light with a burnt out bulb. You'll get the few stragglers who aren't paying attention, but the majority will move on to sure things.
Also, to get them off your lawn, a remote for the sprinkler system in October does wonders
Sadly....very, very sadly, they have been selling candy canes at the Walgreens and Walmart near me for over a month now. They came out with the xmas trees. Not even the good xmas palm trees, they are trying to hoist some wierd "evergreen" thing on me.
I like the bit o' honey too, but coy is a die hard chocolate fan at Halloween. But, we don't even have our candy yet, cause it won't make it 'till Friday. We will probably get it on Friday, and hope that there is something good left. I really like those mini twix.
Okay, okay, I get the hint. I am taking all the bit o' honey out of the Halloween Candy Bowl.
I have a personal vendetta against anyone who throws a cheap ass toothbrush with one of those little generic toothpastes into the bag. I don't need you're self-righteous message that I need to be taking care of my teeth. Puhleeze! I end up using the toothbrush for cleaning the grout in my shower.
when kids knock on coyote's door and say "trick or treat" coyote says trick, takes their candy and closes the door on them.
I have to buy candy I don't like to give out or it doesn't make it to Halloween. Of course this year, I've done half & half, so there's sweets for me, but I'm guaranteed to have at least 50% available for Friday.
This is why I only give out Beezr Celery Soda and Kasugai Muscat Gummy.
Momma Coyote,
Make sure you save all the Bit O'Honey candy for Coyote's Christmas stocking this year. I heard its better than coal.
Wow.. when OUR Halloween (ghost stories, parlour games, watching your aged aunts and uncles get so drunk they actually turn into vampires and werewolves (or at least end up biting each other on the neck and screaming "oooh you beast!"....uhm.. ok, so maybe that was just my family..) was subverted by YOUR 'Trick Or Treat' nonsense, or as it's called here "demanding sweets with menaces" at least we managed to keep DECENT FRICKING CANDY.
Well, and fruit.
Come on, in Scotland Halloween was the only time we got to see a tangerine (other than at Christmas when you'd get one in your Christmas stocking. Yep, we was that poor we got AN ORANGE for Christmas)
And none of this 'trick or treat' schtick, we want to see a song and dance or at least hear a joke, or maybe your mum could call back later with her St Trinians's outfit... *ahem*
wooot! Roll on Hallaleeen!!
Heh, my mother used to give us an orange in the stocking at giftmas also. I used to quite enjoy it.
I tried it on the Sprog last year, and she was not impressed. :(
I like Bit O Honey...
The best response I ever got to the treats I was giving out was the year I did no candy at all. I bought a bunch of cheap toys in bulk from the Oriental Trading company. Kids went NUTS over these foam airplanes that wouldn't fly a foot and plastic bug rings! And I got some kudos from Moms, too.
And I got to keep all the Kit Kats....
PS: There's always a mandarin orange in the toe of our stockings!
Yay for the oranges!!