Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

I love Halloween.

It is easily my favorite holiday, and because of that - I take pride in my costumes.

Even if I'm doing something less-than-original like "Zombie" or "Vampire", I manage to put a unique twist on it, and end up with a pretty snazzy frigging costume. I plan for months in advance, try to have everything perfect, and try my best NOT to have some crappy last minute costume that ruins the day for everyone else.

Oh how I wish you bastards would do the same.

SO, in effort to avoid me going to jail because I beat someone to death with a pillowcase full of "Fun Size" Snickers, I'm going to help you, the reader, by giving you five costume ideas NOT to use this year. Five costumes that need to be forgotten, retired, and never EVER used again.

We'll start small and obvious and work our way up. Radar's head explodes much nicer that way.

"Uncle Coyote's Five Most Hated Costumes That Need To Be Retired"

The Box Robot

You got some old boxes, covered them in tinfoil and made a robot costume!

Look everyone, it is the CRAP-O-TRON 2000!

What kinda cheesy low grade substandard government robot are YOU supposed to be? Covered in tinfoil like a giant retarded square baked potato. Oh, you have a control panel on your chest? Which one of those "poorly drawn on with a sharpie marker" buttons is your self destruct key?

I'll put you out of your frigging misery.

Robots don't have a million wrinkles in their skin, they're not all square and blocky, (Not even the cheesy 1950's ones) and they don't wear Nike high tops you spastic frigging nard monkey. You aren't showing us a cool robot from the future, you're showing us that you have no imagination and enough money for a jumbo roll of tinfoil.

Whenever I see this costume, I pray for rain. I absolutely PRAY for rain. Huge frigging clouds of it that soak you in your skin, sog up your cardboard and contract your costume around you like crumpled tin can causing you millions of tiny little aluminum foil cuts.

And then maybe lightning strikes your mushy, pathetic form. And then you get cancer. In the ass. Ass cancer.

Batman

I know, I know...

"But Coyote, Batman is COOL!"

Yes. Yes he is.

Batman is in fact, awesome.

He is the justice dealing vigilante of the night who strikes fear in the hearts of evil-doers everywhere. He is dark and mysterious, a symbol of hope against the darkest sky, and he kicks ass in the most pure and good sense of the phrase.

Batman is wicked frigging awesome. This guy however, is not.

Bruce Wayne is a billionaire playboy, not a fat guy in a cheap suit who goes around begging for candy and hitting on drunk chicks. Batman doesn't want your candy, he wants your crimes brought to light so that he can stick his Batfoot up your Batass and wear your Batcolon like a Batankle Bracelet.

Wearing this costume is like stepping in the ring with Mike Tyson and making fun of his voice. Sure, he's a joke and a moron and more than a bit retarded, but he is STILL Mike-Frigging-Tyson and he can STILL rip off your arms and use them to beat your family to death.

It is the same with Batman.

Do you know what he'll do if he SEES you wearing his costume and begging for a fun-sized snickers? Do you have any clue how BADLY he hates to be copied? You'd be better off wearing a suit made out of bacon and rolling around in the Pit-Bull pen of your local animal shelter.

Batman is F***ING CRAZY.

"But Coyote, Batman isn't real. He's a fictional character!"

Really? Is that a chance that you are willing to take? Because I'm not. Behind every lie there is a seed of truth, so that means behind the "character" Batman, there is a REAL Batman somewhere out there who *I* don't want to piss off.

Plus? Dude. EVERYONE is dressing like Batman this year. Buy a vowel and see if they'll throw in some originality. Yeeesh.

Oh. And he likes young boys. So ya know. If you're wearing a Batman costume, you might as well get a black van and some burlap sacks and duct tape.

You frigging kid toucher.

Pregnant Nun

AHAHAHHAA Get it? Get it?! I'm a NUN, but I'm PREGNANT! GET IT?! HAHAHA! PREGNANT NUN!!

Oh we get it alright.

You're an unoriginal dumbass who is trying to be creative and edgy but lack the imagination to pull it off so you go for "shocking" in hopes of being the life of the party, but fail miserably because about 900 BILLION other people "come up with" this costume.

That about sum it up dumbass?

Look, the Pregnant Nun thing was funny once, and that was the time that the FIRST person dressed as it. After that, it just became stupid. No one cares about pregnant Nuns, and if you are a huge fat ass trying to pull off this clever little costume, we CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT YOU WERE GOING FOR.

"What is with the fat ass penguin?"

"What is she supposed to be, a bloated mime?"

I hate this costume with a passion, mainly because of the satisfied "look, I'm oh-so-clever" expression the wanna-be Sister Mary Elephant usually wears after donning this bad habit. (ha!) No one is impressed, no one is shocked, and aside from like some 96 year old church going crypt keeper...

...no one even knows what a Nun is because the church doesn't even HAVE them anymore.

They went extinct 80 years ago for a reason. Lets leave them (and this costume) in the past where they belong.

Feminine Hygiene Product Man

...

....look. I'm only going to say this once, and it isn't open for discussion:

You're making EVERYONE uncomfortable.

There is a reason why women hide these things in their purse, and a reason that men feel their heart stop in their chest when a woman asks them to grab something like gum or keys OUT of said purse. Because we know that these things are in there.

Lurking.

Waiting.

WE don't want to see them, and they sure as hell don't want us to see them, so why would you dress up like you are about to go spelunking in Godzilla's no-no-place? You aren't being funny or clever in the least, and gushing about how you had the brainstorm to "add ketchup" doesn't win us over.

We might smile politely or give you a thumbs up whenever you trot by acting like the life of the party when in fact you are the obnoxious douche bag that is obnoxious or douche baggy enough to WEAR this costume - but as soon as you run by in hopes of chasing down another chick who hasn't seen your costume and "surprising" her? We're all talking about what a gigantic douche bag you are.

Which is kinda funny because that's a feminine hygiene product too.

You aren't coming across as cool, and you aren't coming across as edgy. You are weirding everyone out, and we stand around the rest of the night discussing your frame of mind in a Freudian way.

Just stop. Please.

Guys Dressing as Chicks

You're a GUY who is dressing in women's clothing for attention.

Soooo....how much of this is a COSTUME and how much is really a cry for understanding and acceptance? Testing the waters are we? Walking a bit too comfortably in those six inch pumps, aren't we? Guys, you get ONE free pass with this costume. THAT IS IT. ONE free pass, and ONLY if you dress like the guys in the Bud Light commercials who dressed like chicks for free beer.

If you look like a man who is TRYING to look like a woman, but failing horribly because you still have a 5 o'clock shadow and a mustache thick enough to make Magnum P.I. proud - you can wear this costume ONCE. Sure, you'll still get ragged by your buddies and jokes about your sexuality will be made, but it'll be laughing WITH you, not at you. Bust out this little costume next year, and it ceases to be funny in the least - as all of us will remember that not only did you dress like a chick the year before, but wasn't it a different outfit, so it isn't the same costume?

NOW....

If you dress as a woman for the first time, shave smooth, wear REAL makeup, shave your legs, wear a sexy dress and look like an actual passable-in-the-night woman for Halloween.

No one is going to laugh.

Oh sure, the women you're hanging around with are laughing and teasing and enjoying it - but look at your buddies. See that hesitation in their eyes? See that confused look? See that hint of terror? It is because we realize something that you may not...

That you are REALLY enjoying this.

So do us all a favor and leave the dressing as a woman where it belongs - at home, in your basement as you yell things to the chick in the pain pit who won't rub the lotion on her skin. We'll keep our respect for you without judging you for showing us a glimpse into your "real" life, and you'll do the world a favor by not mucking up my favorite holiday with yet another crappy costume.

Bastards.

-Coyote